JASPER & THE UNCOOKED YEAST ROLLS

[Guest guest]

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JASPER & THE UNCOOKED YEAST ROLLS

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the

Summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you

Who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year

Old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best

To be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will

Only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my

Face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you

Think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that

and I tried every means to break him of this habit including

Locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost

Over $200. But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost

Of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got

Me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family and a lot of

Friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was, however,

Assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for

The two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the

Electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the

Only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the

Assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to

Reheat on Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted you

Can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin

latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set

Them in the living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, and I

Decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.

An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30

PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my

Shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and

My worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He

Looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin

Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his

Cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of

Uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however,

I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the

Night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more

Than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice to say that by the time we

Went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to

Lift him onto the bed for the night.

Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very

Stupid on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing;

Put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the darn dog was as drunk as a

Sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on

His butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was

Going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or

Headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to

Pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the

Small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly

Ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy

As a loon.

I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second

Call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented

In his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not

Unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about

4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, and I loaded

Him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first

Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a

Ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124

Less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of

The car between and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe

Me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls,

DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have

Matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But

that's not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they

smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the

truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karee's, thankful she

didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door

locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the

day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and

everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning

with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into

something.

Of course, as the old adage goes, " what goes in must come out "

and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12

risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block

up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from

yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared

to leave Karee's house. Having discovered his " packages " on the garage

floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part.

The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and

the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like

Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried to

remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their

services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get

the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough,

the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left

paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him

home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving

dinner at 's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today

(Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has

had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I

presume.

I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen

unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must

have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of

them for later would not be a bad idea.

Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to " How to clean

unbaked dough from the Carpet. " And how was your Day?

--

*Forgiveness is the greatest healer of all.

-Gerald Jampolsky & Diane V. Cirincione

*The question is not what you look at but what you see.

-Henry Thoreau

Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think

freely, to risk life, to be needed.

-Storm on

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[Guest guest]

thankyyou for such a funny story, altho I do know that at the time it had to

have been more than a bit stressful at least for that poor dog! I needed a

laugh for the morning!

Connie