A Maxine Christmas

[Guest guest]

P PM (Polymositis) 12/98, UIP 8/00, o2 24/7 9 LPM 8/04, PH 3/06, ILL yo 60> "A Maxine Christmas Story"> >'Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the house...> Not a creature was stirring Since the cat ate the mouse.> My support hose were hung By the chimney with care.> (I hung them last Christmas And just left them there.)> My dog, Floyd, was nestled All snug in his bed,> After watching the cat rip The presents to shreds.> And I in my long johns And ratty night cap> Had just settled my butt For a long

winter's nap.> When out on the lawn There arose such a clatter,> I swore at the window, "What the (blank) is the matter?"> I tore open the window, Not a second to tarry, All ready to throw Thenoisemaker a berry.*> A bright moon was lighting The new-fallen snow...> And I had a moon of my own Set to show.> Floyd was beside me, Paw pointing the way Toward eight tiny reindeerHitched up to a sleigh...> And a little old driver So cheery and quick, I thought for a moment ThatI would be sick.> Like a bat out of...you know, His reindeer they came, And I whistled andshouted And called them some names--> "Hey, bonehead! Hey, Furface! Hey, Weiner and Turkey!> Yo, Klutzy and Mangy And Venison Jerky!> Stay off of my porch! Get away from my wall!> Now hit the road, hit the road, Hit the road, all!"> But as pedestrians before My old

Buick , they fly> And head for high ground With great fear in their eyes,> So up to my rooftop The fleabags they flew,> With a sleigh full of toys And old Fruitcake - Breath too.> And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof> Holes in my new shingles Made by each tiny hoof.> As I reached for my slingshot And a marble as well,> Down the chimney St. Tumbled and fell.> He had a huge sack of Cheap junk on his back And I whispered to Floyd,"Be prepared to attack."> His eyes they were squinting, His toy bag was draggin', And I feltfor a moment Like I'd soon be gaggin'.> He was dressed all in red. With a bell on his hat.> And a belt of black leather To hold back the fat.> A billowing pipe He clenched tight in his smile,> And the smell was like something Had been dead for awhile.> He had a broad face And a little round

belly> That shook when I nailed him With a handful of jelly.> He was chubby and plump, Well, actually porky, And I laughed when Itripped him (He looked pretty dorky).> He was like a beached whale Unable to budge. And he tasted good , too,If the dog was a judge.> I spoke not a word But went straight to my work--> A snort, a growl, , A cry of "You jerk!"> Until laying a finger Aside of his nose, With a loud cry of"Uncle!" Up the chimney he rose.> He sprang to the sleigh And dragged in the toys,> Then he cried to the reindeer, "Get me out of here, Boys!"> And I had to exclaim As a slushball I tossed,> "Happy Christmas to all, And to all a Get Lost!"> But then, as I turned, I saw 'neath the tree Two gaily wrappedpresents-- One for Floyd, one for me.> A big bag of jerky Turned Floyd mighty chipper,> While for me was a pair Of

brand-new bunny slippers.> I looked out the window, And hovering there,> Old Santa was winking From his sleigh in midair...> "Merry Christmas, Maxine!" He cried, full of cheer.> "Same to you, Pal!" I answered, "I'll get you nextyear!"