Re: My personal favorite Nada one liners.

April 17, 2012

Yes, and their sickness would be pitiable if it wasn't so toxic to their

children.

I have read that borderline pd is a dysfunction of intimacy, and I believe it.

The absolute, total, malignant self-absorption with their own needs and feelings

and warped perceptions, etc., and total lack of feeling responsible to protect

their children from their own toxicity, kind of wipes out my ability to feel

empathy for those with bpd.

That makes me feel flawed and judgmental, but, that's the way I feel about it.

I think those with bpd badly need help, and I wish they would get help for

themselves because they are miserable, unhappy human beings, but when their

dysfunction bleeds over into being abusive or negligent to their children, then

my empathy evaporates, I'm afraid. All my empathy goes to the kids of bpds, the

little ones with no voice and no power.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Oh, someone has already mentioned this one, " I know you better than you

> know yourself. " My nada used that one on me until I distanced myself from

> her in college.

> > >

> > > My nada also likes to say, " I would have raised you differently if I

> knew you were going to take all the goodies and run, when you turned

> eighteen. "

> > > Goodies? Like trick or treat? Hmm. Like my chipped tooth? The

> crazy-making denigrations? Bloody noses? Being beaten with a broom?

> > >

> > > My nada used to say, " You always just want to have FUNNNNN. " It made her

> mad that I found pleasant humor in the blackest of situations. Oh well, her

> loss. I have sanity because I can laugh at myself.

> > >

> > > And my nada is stuck in the past. My favorite one liner that has me

> roaring whenever I think about it is: " The only reason your husband got his

> job at ____ Ivy League College is because he mentioned Dad. " Huh! Is that

> ever self-delusion! My dad got an undergraduate degree from this Ivy League

> College in 1953. I doubt he gave to his Alma mater. (Parents are

> cheapskates.) My husband got a post-doctoral position by talking to people

> in his field at a conference, in 1991 and that referrel ended up in a job

> being created for him in the same department my dad graduated from. The

> people that my dad knew would have been long gone... forty years later.

> > >

> > > My nada also has some funny ways of not seeing that others have

> relationships with her siblings that have nothing to do with her. She will

> tell me " Those are my sisters and brothers. They are nothing to you. " When I

> tell her, they are my aunts and uncles, and that their children are my

> cousins, she will echo me as if I am the one from Mars. " Your cousins? What

> are they to ME? "

> > >

> > > That is when I pinch myself and say, Thank God I am three thousand miles

> and 35 light years away from this insanity!

> > >

> > > Oh and the meanest one liner is the one my mom uttered a year ago when

> she told me, " Your father doesn't like to talk to you on the phone.... I

> guess he finds you.... " Long long pause... " ...boring! "

> > >

> > > Yes, my nada has what I call reverse intution. She knows where it will

> hurt and she takes great pride in coming at me from left field.

> > >

> > > Looking for the good in my life, and getting past the worst ... with

> laughter.

> > >

> > > Thanks for this topic.

> > >

April 18, 2012

Oh M, I am jealous that you actually had a stepfather that saw you as something

other than a conduit with which to triangulate against and side with your

mother. My own NADA was incapable of having a relationship with any man that

would show an interest in anything besides herself. Even though one of her

favorite one liners was " I just wanted you to have a father. "

April 19, 2012

Annie:

Yes. Part of me is fascinated, and part of me is just scared sh*tless! I mean, I

don't know how to deal with it. I truly don't. When she breaks off into that

" other state, " I just (most of the time) want to run because I know the end

result won't be good!Â

DH likes to think that's she's not crazy at all. She's just really, really mean.

But then I see those cognitive breaks, and I just know that something's " off. "

Of course, usually I'M the one who feels crazy ...Â

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2012 10:46 AM

Subject: Re: My personal favorite Nada one liners.

Â

Its both sad and fascinating that sometimes a little thing can turn such a huge

spotlight on the nature and extent of our bpd parent's dysfunctional thinking.

They truly are mentally ill; they really do have problems processing incoming

information (cognitive impairment/ distortions), particularly if the incoming

information has an emotional component.

They really do believe that their *feeling* is the same thing as knowing a

*fact*. They really do have trouble staying anchored in reality, particularly

under stress. They actually do drift into semi-psychotic states of delusional

thinking and paranoia under stress. (And my nada was frequently stressed out

about one thing or another.)

It always used to astonish me when my nada would casually share her thoughts

with me and something AMAZINGLY bizarre and disturbing would come out of her

mouth, and she wasn't joking. (It wasn't safe to question her and get her to

back up or support her statements; that could trigger her into a rage or

hysterical crying.) I was in my own state of denial, I guess, about just how

mentally ill my mother was and yet she was able to function so (seemingly)

normally about half the time (when she wasn't all emotionally charged up about

something or other, in her " un-triggered " state.)

-Annie

> > >

> > > Oh, someone has already mentioned this one, " I know you better than you

know yourself. " My nada used that one on me until I distanced myself from her

in college.

> > >

> > > My nada also likes to say, " I would have raised you differently if I knew

you were going to take all the goodies and run, when you turned eighteen. "

> > > Goodies? Like trick or treat? Hmm. Like my chipped tooth? The

crazy-making denigrations? Bloody noses? Being beaten with a broom?

> > >

> > > My nada used to say, " You always just want to have FUNNNNN. " It made her

mad that I found pleasant humor in the blackest of situations. Oh well, her

loss. I have sanity because I can laugh at myself.

> > >

> > > And my nada is stuck in the past. My favorite one liner that has me

roaring whenever I think about it is: " The only reason your husband got his job

at ____ Ivy League College is because he mentioned Dad. " Huh! Is that ever

self-delusion! My dad got an undergraduate degree from this Ivy League College

in 1953. I doubt he gave to his Alma mater. (Parents are cheapskates.) My

husband got a post-doctoral position by talking to people in his field at a

conference, in 1991 and that referrel ended up in a job being created for him in

the same department my dad graduated from. The people that my dad knew would

have been long gone... forty years later.

> > >

> > > My nada also has some funny ways of not seeing that others have

relationships with her siblings that have nothing to do with her. She will tell

me " Those are my sisters and brothers. They are nothing to you. " When I tell

her, they are my aunts and uncles, and that their children are my cousins, she

will echo me as if I am the one from Mars. " Your cousins? What are they to ME? "

> > >

> > > That is when I pinch myself and say, Thank God I am three thousand miles

and 35 light years away from this insanity!

> > >

> > > Oh and the meanest one liner is the one my mom uttered a year ago when she

told me, " Your father doesn't like to talk to you on the phone.... I guess he

finds you.... " Long long pause... " ...boring! "

> > >

> > > Yes, my nada has what I call reverse intution. She knows where it will

hurt and she takes great pride in coming at me from left field.

> > >

> > > Looking for the good in my life, and getting past the worst ... with

laughter.

> > >

> > > Thanks for this topic.

> > >

April 19, 2012

And here's another one:

YOU WERE NOT ABUSED!

Usually in reference to physical abuse, which I never accused her of. My

accusations were purely based on the emotional and spiritual abuse, which she

refuses to acknowledge as actual abuse. Oh yes, and this statement is ALWAYS

spoken at the top of her lungs in one of the harshest voices possible. No, I was

not abused ... (and I'm STILL not).

April 19, 2012

" What is the source-of-your-information?'' (nada playing Doubting about

a self-evident truth; wanting me to prove my position on fundamentally

unassailable truths), conveyed in a sing-song cadence and almost cackling tone

" how dare you, I am your mother! " (not permitted to disagree or express

dismay/anger, similar to another contributor's experience where the nada

dismisses one's anger by labeling it " rude " )

" that never happened, "

" I don't remember [what you say I admitted to earlier], "

" well they're crazy, CRAY-ZEE! [ others and their conduct, never her or hers],

"

" well that's insane [their conduct, never hers], "

" maybe he's on a farm, with children, " [a tacit admission when nada would not

explain where my dog was or how long he'd gone missing once I left for college]

" I felt bad about that [never an apology or expression of regret or " ... sorry,

" for misconduct] "

" you owe me for plastic surgery! " [ for abdominal stretch marks from pregnancy

when carrying me to term; note most women seemed to have known about rubbing

body/hand lotion copiously on the abdomen and hips, etc. at the time]

" I should have strangled you at birth! " and its progression to " if we had

had the money, we would have aborted you. " [all evidence suggested I was very

much a wanted child]

" Close the Light. " [ her most frequent use of the colloquially incorrect verb

or noun in common North American English expressions or idioms, while

also repetitively slurring common brand names as though she didn't care

because we could figure out what she meant]

" What are you worried about, you'll make it all back. " [after she absconded with

my then life's savings in my early twenties]

April 21, 2012

One of my stepnada's favorites was " do as I say, not as I do. " Â She was always

telling me not to do something, and would then turn around and do it herself.Â

I called her once on it, and that was the response she gave me.Â

Janet

Â Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

Â In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Â Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

Â It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 7:51 PM

Subject: Re: My personal favorite Nada one liners.

Â

I know this is going on and on but I love this thread. It brings back so many

lovely memories (NOT!). I'm trying to think of some of the things she said most

often:

" What are you trying to do - kill me!? " (that's after I didn't do something

exactly the way she wanted it)

" You are so gifted. . . just like me. " (gag)

" I don't want anything to happen to you. What would happen to me if you died? "

" I made you and I can do what I want with you. "

" Don't you dare cry or I'll give you something to cry about. "

" Don't you talk to me that way " or " Don't you look at me that way. " (a real no

win situation)

" You know I'm able to control people with my mind. " (then she tells me how she

makes people do what she wants by " thinking at them. " )

irene

>

> What a fantastic thread!

>

April 21, 2012

One of my stepnada's favorites was " do as I say, not as I do. " Â She was always

telling me not to do something, and would then turn around and do it herself.Â

I called her once on it, and that was the response she gave me.Â

Janet

Â Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

Â In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Â Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

Â It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 7:51 PM

Subject: Re: My personal favorite Nada one liners.

Â

I know this is going on and on but I love this thread. It brings back so many

lovely memories (NOT!). I'm trying to think of some of the things she said most

often:

" What are you trying to do - kill me!? " (that's after I didn't do something

exactly the way she wanted it)

" You are so gifted. . . just like me. " (gag)

" I don't want anything to happen to you. What would happen to me if you died? "

" I made you and I can do what I want with you. "

" Don't you dare cry or I'll give you something to cry about. "

" Don't you talk to me that way " or " Don't you look at me that way. " (a real no

win situation)

" You know I'm able to control people with my mind. " (then she tells me how she

makes people do what she wants by " thinking at them. " )

irene

>

> What a fantastic thread!

>

April 21, 2012

Some of my Nada s

1. I m just going to do something for once just for me. ( scream!

What? Really? What has ever NOT been for you or about you.)

2. I guess it is just because I m just such a giver.

3. I wish I could have ( childs name ) to raise. I d do so much better

than ( childs mom.)

4. and the most toxic of all Well, I just thought you needed to know.

Dooug

April 21, 2012

1. " I'm not your n*gger! " (when she has to do anything a normal mother would

do)

2. " Well, how about we never speak again! " (when I say stop calling me every

damn day)

3. " Well, then, I am happy *for* you " (she's not)

4. " Do as I say, not as I do. "

5. " Shut up or I'll give you something to cry about. "

6. " Children should be seen and not heard. "

7. " Don't wear out your welcome. "

April 22, 2012

OMG!! This is my nada's all time favorite!! You must have met her at sometime

because you just quoted her EXACT words, lol!!

Mine uses it the same as you described, but if she has an audience (like a

dinner party) Then, well then!!! It's used to belittle me as she implies 'how

difficult I have been'.

She has also used it to justify her most extreme acts against me. (when she

kidnapped my son- she did it because she wanted what was best for me--this was

in 1988).

Whew! It's not me! I'm not crazy! and I'm not alone.

Thank you...........it really does make a difference for me to know those.

>

> LOL @ #3! Oh how often I've heard that - when SHE'S the one who can't deal

with the truth. I still remember one scene with an ex-boyfriend where she was

grilling him about something, calling him a liar, etc. because WE ALL KNOW that

EVERYONE lies all the time EXCEPT nada! And he got all Jack Nicholson on her.

" You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! " It probably would've been

funny if it hadn't been so traumatizing ...Â

>

> One of my favorites? " I just want what's best for you. " Almost always parroted

by fada and nada's mother. Because she loves me so much, knows me so well, and

SHE knows what's best for me when I don't have a clue!

>

> And a couple of others:Â

>

> " Blah, blah, blah (fill in controlling, manipulative statement here) ... But I

don't want to say that because that's too controlling. " (insert exasperated eye

roll).Â

>

> Or ... " We'll talk about this when you're not angry. " (emphasis mine)

>

> ________________________________

> From: Dallas

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Friday, April 13, 2012 3:47 PM

> Subject: My personal favorite Nada one liners.

>

> Â

> Here is a collection of my favorite Nada one liners that send shivers down my

spine when I hear them. Would love to hear some of yours.

>

> 1. " That is such a cop-out! " Usually given after a lengthy diatribe of her

feelings and how everyone in the family has repeatedly disappointed her over and

over again, when one of us might try to relate how we feel or defend ourselves

in some way.

>

> 2. " I know you better than you know yourself. " Actually my personal

favorite. This is used to turn anything we might say back around on us. If we

try to explain ourselves or have a rational conversation with her she tells us

we are full of crap and uses this well oiled phrase. In other words " anything

you say to me is a lie because I know you better than you know yourself. "

>

> 3. " You just can't take my honesty. " This is used after telling us something

really hurtful or after several minutes of guilt trips having to do with her

list of everything she has purchased for us in our lives, and her list of

everything we have ever done in our lives to hurt her feelings or disappoint

her. Last time she used it she was trying to tell me that my 4 year old

daughter was cute, BUT MY SON, wow! He is exceptional! She was trying to set

my son up as her favorite grandchild because he bonded with her faster than my

daughter did (She didn't meet them until they were 2 & 3.) This one liner

justifies every hurtful thing she says.

>

> 4. " Nothing gets past me. " Since her paranoia makes her believe that

anything we say or do is some kind of a manipulation, she likes to " catch us in

it. " Usually we are dumbfounded by what she comes up with as a manipulation on

our part. I don't know how she can take snippets of conversation and warp them

to what she believes we are saying, but she does it masterfully.

>

> 5. " I don't keep score, but if I did... I would win. " This is because of

the extensive list of things she has cataloged in her mind of what she has done

and sacrificed for us, or bought for us throughout our lives (she remembers

every gift) that we have not returned in kind with the Brady Bunch kind of

family she dreams of. Whenever I call her on the fact that she throws all this

in my face whenever she feels threatened and that she keeps score, this is the

line I get back.

>

> 6. " I see how my friend Ellen's daughter is with her. She knows how to treat

her mother. " This has been used with several people throughout my brother's and

my life. Just once I would like to say " That's because Ellen's daughter knows

that Ellen is not a manipulative, narcissistic, crazy, freak. " but I always

hold my tongue.

>

> 7. " Nothing... sigh... " Always given for at least 3 full days whenever

anyone asks what is wrong with her. When my brother was 17 he asked her this

for 3 days and she played what we called the " Nothing " game with him. Finally

without warning she came downstairs from working and yelled " Do you really want

to know what's wrong?! " His reply was, " I did 3 days ago. Now I don't give a

shit. " She kicked him out of the house. He went to live with a neighbor and

never returned. The neighbor is still my brother's closest friend. My Mom in a

fury after finding out that this very nice man took my brother in, accused my

brother of being gay, and that this older man was a sexual predator. Neither

was true, but it damaged my brother quite a bit. He of course " Could not take

her honesty. "

>

April 22, 2012