Guest guest Posted April 17, 2012 Report Share Posted April 17, 2012 Annie, I know you are right. Both my therapist and my fiance have expressed their frustration about the fact that I continue to put myself in positions for her to continue abusing me. I dont know why it is so hard for me to let her go. Even when I know I shouldn't read her texts, I do. I think part of me hopes she will say something nice or change her mind about how " terrible " I am or whatever. I know that is just a dream. I've been setting boundaries with her (e.g., " I am no longer going to respond to accusatory texts " ) but she just bulldosed(sp?) straight past them. > > > > > > > > > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > > > > > > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > > > > > > > > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > > > > > > > > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > > > > > > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > > > > > > > > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2012 Report Share Posted April 17, 2012 Well, we are each of us here on our own path toward peace and healing; you'll reach your point of " I've had enough of this " in your own time, and that's OK. I only ask you to consider the idea that if the way you are handling this now clearly is not working for you, then try a different approach. There's nothing wrong with trying new things, and nothing wrong with making mistakes. It just means we're human. Sometimes our nada's have to hit rock bottom and experience the consequences of their bad behaviors before they will even contemplate changing themselves. If you give your nada a firm consequence for being verbally abusive to you, maybe it will help motivate her to change herself. Possibly. But even if she doesn't change, or can't change, or refuses to change, at least you are in control and not subjecting yourself to further abuse. Just some food for thought. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Annie, I took your advice and set two hard boundaries with my nada this week. I did it in a calm way that felt true to what I needed and then I did not respond to her afterwards. I didn't read the last text she sent me. I figured out that if I tilt my phone down I can see just enough of the phone to hit the delete button without actually having to read the message (very proud of myself for that realization..hehe!). I have been having a tough time since then, fantasizing that she actually texted something nice that last time, but I know that thats not true. At least now the boundaries are out there so if she breaks them, I at least put it out there why I will not be responding. We'll see how it goes. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks :-) > > > > > > > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > > > > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > > > > > > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > > > > > > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > > > > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > > > > > > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Annie, I took your advice and set two hard boundaries with my nada this week. I did it in a calm way that felt true to what I needed and then I did not respond to her afterwards. I didn't read the last text she sent me. I figured out that if I tilt my phone down I can see just enough of the phone to hit the delete button without actually having to read the message (very proud of myself for that realization..hehe!). I have been having a tough time since then, fantasizing that she actually texted something nice that last time, but I know that thats not true. At least now the boundaries are out there so if she breaks them, I at least put it out there why I will not be responding. We'll see how it goes. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks :-) > > > > > > > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > > > > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > > > > > > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > > > > > > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > > > > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > > > > > > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you, tucket! These first steps toward establishing a more normal emotional distance with a nada aren't easy, but its like learning to walk again on a leg that was broken when the cast is taken off. It hurts. But over time, the muscles stretch and re-learn their job, and it gets easier. Our nadas try to " break " us from having normal boundaries and feeling that it was OK for us to be individual human beings with our own individual lives and needs and feelings and desires. Instead, nada conditioned us to put her needs and feelings first. Nada wants to be the center of our lives, our only focus, and that's just so wrong, on so many levels. Its an infant's level of need. So many of our nadas never grow past a three-year-old's level of emotional development, and as soon as she can nada latches onto her own child as though her child is her mother. Its just so twisted and disturbing, that this unhealthy, toxic, abnormal enmeshment is presented to us as " love " . Its hard to break free of such unhealthy enmeshment. And nada can't break free of it. She will never be happy that you want more personal space, more freedom, more emotional distance and she will balk and cry or rage at you about it. She will use FOG, or Fear, Obligation and Guilt to try and force you to resume being the caregiver to her infant self. But you are stronger than you think, and you can give your nada normal, healthy boundaries RE your time and attention. Its not easy, but its doable. -Annie > > Annie, > > I took your advice and set two hard boundaries with my nada this week. I did it in a calm way that felt true to what I needed and then I did not respond to her afterwards. I didn't read the last text she sent me. I figured out that if I tilt my phone down I can see just enough of the phone to hit the delete button without actually having to read the message (very proud of myself for that realization..hehe!). I have been having a tough time since then, fantasizing that she actually texted something nice that last time, but I know that thats not true. At least now the boundaries are out there so if she breaks them, I at least put it out there why I will not be responding. We'll see how it goes. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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