Re : Re: How to bear NC on the long term ?

[Guest guest]

Dear Elora,

What you say is so right. Yes for me too the main motivation was to protect my

children. I think without them I would have never successed to break with her.

You are lucky that you manage with the guilt feeling. I don't. Maybe with time I

will. It's all about the fact that sometimes I doubt myself, like " What if she

was not that awfull as I think ? " " Well, if she was that awfull, why all my

cousins and family would support her and leave me alone for so many years ? " I

know she tells horrors to them about me, I don't know what lies it is, but there

is obviously something, because everyone avoids me, and when it happened in the

past that I meet some of them, the way they look at me, it's like they " know "

something about me. You know, like their eyes would say : " Oh, not HER !!!!! " It

is so painfull to see that, because I love them so much.

The hard part for me I think it's not my mother, it's my cousins and uncles and

aunties I love so much and they all have betrayed me for her, while they know

how kind I am and how cold she is. They saw in my childhood how little mummy

care type she was with me, they witnessed all that, but they have chosen her

side, I just can't understand and accept this and it hurts a lot.

You letter give me hope that with more years I will also manage to accept what

will never be and to stop feeling guilty for having gone NC ....I am 40 years

old, I could consider I have beard her maybe about half of my life, so now it is

time for me to start living my own life :-)

Thank you for your sharing Elora, Have a Beautiful Day !!!! :-)

Natacha

XXXX

________________________________

De : elora_jade elora_jade@...>

À : WTOAdultChildren1

Envoyé le : Mardi 17 avril 2012 3h40

Objet : Re: How to bear NC on the long term ?

 

I've been NC for 5.5 years now. This Christmas will be 6.

I'm good with it. I think however that it is worse than a death, with a death,

there is closure. There will never be closure for us.

That said, my biggest motivator is my children. I would never wish what she did

to me on them. So I remain solid in my resolve.

I don't feel any guilt. Its taken me a long time to get to this point. But I

deserve to be treated better than she treated me. I deserved an awesome mother,

like the one I am now to my girls. However I do not have one, and just because

she is the woman pushed me out of her vagina it does NOT mean that I owe her

anything but the SAME respect that she shows me. When and if she can ever do

that, maybe (and thats a BIG maybe) I will show her some pictures of my kids.

In the meantime, I don't loose a moment of sleep over her.

Don't get me wrong, I grieve for what *could* have been, and should have been,

but I am coming to accept that it will never be.

>

> Dear Friends,

>

> I would like to share this topic with you : How do you feel when you have gone

NC for a while from nada ?

> I have gone NC last june and it is now nearly one year.

> She has rang my phone many times but I never answered.

> Last Christmas she arrived with her husband at my door witout beeing invited

and rang a long time. I think I wouldn't have been strong enough this day, but

for chance I was in my bath, and the time to go out of the bathroom, they had

already left.

>

> I would like to know how people here who have gone NC for a while feel inside.

> I thought to go NC would mean the end of every problem. On a way, it is, as I

don't have any new interaction with her, but on another way, it is not, because

I feel more and more guilty first, the more the time pass I feel more and more

rejected by the all family (even before I had cut with nada they were never

coming to see me), and also because the pain from my childhood is still inside

me and it still often hurts, while it is from the past. It is like I have a hole

inside my heart of all what she never gave to me and it is a hole surrended with

sadness all arround it and it is burning inside and the taste is like the taste

of the tears. And I would also add this : I love her ! I love her so deeply ! I

have spent my childhood to be the best in everything to make her love me but I

was never good enough. But I still love her inside. It is like if I still wait

for her love back, while I know at 40 years old now that she will never give to

me this love

(she is sixty today). It is terrible for me to do that, to have gone NC, but it

is to protect myself and my children.

>

> I am also afraid that one day she will trap me again. This is my second time

of NC. I hope this time I will be strong enough never to fall down again.

> The first time was during one year and a half, then she trapped me when my

Grand-Mother was dying, she made my Grand-mother beg me for a " reconciliation "

between her daughter and her grand-daughter and I couldn't refuse this to my

dying Grand-Mother.

> I don't think nada could trap me again because my true Mummy, my Grand-Mother

has gone, so now I have noone to please to be ever forced to switch back with

nada.

>

> How to get rid with the feeling of guiltiness to have abandonned my nada and

to empeach her to see her grand-children ? I feel like I am the worst daughter

possible, what she is probably certainly saying to all my family members.

>

> I thought to share all these thoughts with all of you, because the more I read

all your posts, the more I realize how much we are going through kind of similar

things in our lifes, and except people of this group and my own children, noone

really understand what I am going through.

>

> In the past I have not been always responding to every kind e-mail I received,

partly because english is not my native language and sometimes there are so many

e-mails here that I really don't manage. Sometimes also because here I live hard

things with my elder child who is also BDP and when it's too hard, I disconnect

from internet. Sometimes also when some people are too kinds with me, I feel so

conforted, but I don't know what to answer. I have never received that from my

mother and I really don't know what to say ! It makes me feel awfull.

> I ask sincerely forgiveness to all the kind people I didn't manage to answer

to. Thank you for your kind and conforting words and please forgive me.

>

> Actually I feel awfull, because I have spent nearly all my life to deal with

BDP nada, and now I have to deal with BDP son, I think life is unfair. My heart

is crying inside.

>

> God bless you all.

> Take all very good care of yourselves.

>

> Natacha

> XXXXX

>