Re : Re: How to bear NC on the long term ?

[Guest guest]

Dear Ruby,

Thank you for your kind letter :-)

Yes, you are right, if I try to imagine her beeing a kind mummy, like my

Grand-Mother was always for me, of course I would have never abandonned her !!!!

I think this way of thinking help me to stop feeling the guilt :-)

She 's a cold dominator. She has two faces.

With me she was speaking always with an ice voice, giving orders, never happy

with me.

With other people, she is all honey and smiles and she has bought all my cousins

on her side with somptuous presents (I would like to know where she finds the

money), for example she offered to my little cousin a new saxophon, while she

was always giving to me old used things, not buying anything new for me.

My christmas present during about twenty years has been always always a little

box of ferrero rochers chocolates (about 8 in the box), while my mother's

husband son (who is not my mother's son !) (I am her only child....) used to

receive somptuous gifts at the same time......

I absolutely hate the ferrero chocolates (sorry for the advertising, they are

good but it is linked to my nada forever for me :-)  ) !!!!

Oh, Ruby, I don't think I am better than anyone else ! But she was so evil with

my second son, I really couldn't let that any longer ! Without the need to

protect my children, I would never have been able to cut, because I am not very

good at protecting myself, because she has empeached me during all my youth time

to put any boundaries.

I don't dare to tell you about my elder son. I don't manage at all to handle

this situation, because it is too much after about 40 years dealing with nada

before. I feel for one year and a half that my son has emptied myself of all my

strenght, and it has gone on my health and now I am making arrangements with his

dad to take him, because my son has became the tyran of my house, insulting me

and his siblings daily, beating his brother, we are under his tyranny, he

doesn't obey and won't let me in peace any time, he comments everything and

reacts strongly many times because he takes everything against him. It is an

absolute nightmare. Now I am dealing with the guilt I feel to give him to his

dad, it's like I have failed, and he makes me feel this a lot because he tells

me that I don't love him or I wouldn't do that. But I need to do this to protect

the two little ones. I am also scared about this to be judged by people as a bad

mother. But also last june

he tried to slap me, so I know if I keep him home one day he will just beat me

like he does to his young brother ....

Oh, it's hard to take care of me and to rest....But sometimes I manage to do it

:-) This week I bought new shoes (red :-)  )  and painted on my nail a flashy

fluo green nail polish, and then I felt better :-)

Thank you for your kind words Ruby !!!! :-) Take very good care of yourself too

!!!! :-)

Natacha

XXXX

________________________________

De : " rubysmum@... " rubysmum@...>

À : WTOAdultChildren1

Envoyé le : Mardi 17 avril 2012 13h07

Objet : Re: How to bear NC on the long term ?

 

Dear Natascha,

Please don't feel bad about not responding to every - one, I'm sure they would

understand as you would, because we know what it's like to be treated unkindly,

so no-one would think badly of you.

If you had to break away from your mum, because she was a wicked person to you

then that is the choice you have, and I'm sure if she was a good and kind mother

then this wouldn't be the case.

Well done for standing firm and protecting yourself and your family, it's not an

easy decision to make. It's sad that your first family of origin show you no

support or make contact with you. Your mother must be a very dominating person.

I think you and Elora are really strong, and even though it's hard to explain it

to others - who probably don't want to understand - you trust yourself and your

own insticts.

It must be very difficult too with a BPD son. But hopefully, with your help, he

can live through it and find happiness.

Remember to put yourself first too sometimes!

All the best wishes to you xxx RB

> >

> > Dear Friends,

> >

> > I would like to share this topic with you : How do you feel when you have

gone NC for a while from nada ?

> > I have gone NC last june and it is now nearly one year.

> > She has rang my phone many times but I never answered.

> > Last Christmas she arrived with her husband at my door witout beeing invited

and rang a long time. I think I wouldn't have been strong enough this day, but

for chance I was in my bath, and the time to go out of the bathroom, they had

already left.

> >

> > I would like to know how people here who have gone NC for a while feel

inside.

> > I thought to go NC would mean the end of every problem. On a way, it is, as

I don't have any new interaction with her, but on another way, it is not,

because I feel more and more guilty first, the more the time pass I feel more

and more rejected by the all family (even before I had cut with nada they were

never coming to see me), and also because the pain from my childhood is still

inside me and it still often hurts, while it is from the past. It is like I have

a hole inside my heart of all what she never gave to me and it is a hole

surrended with sadness all arround it and it is burning inside and the taste is

like the taste of the tears. And I would also add this : I love her ! I love her

so deeply ! I have spent my childhood to be the best in everything to make her

love me but I was never good enough. But I still love her inside. It is like if

I still wait for her love back, while I know at 40 years old now that she will

never give to me this love

(she is sixty today). It is terrible for me to do that, to have gone NC, but it

is to protect myself and my children.

> >

> > I am also afraid that one day she will trap me again. This is my second time

of NC. I hope this time I will be strong enough never to fall down again.

> > The first time was during one year and a half, then she trapped me when my

Grand-Mother was dying, she made my Grand-mother beg me for a " reconciliation "

between her daughter and her grand-daughter and I couldn't refuse this to my

dying Grand-Mother.

> > I don't think nada could trap me again because my true Mummy, my

Grand-Mother has gone, so now I have noone to please to be ever forced to switch

back with nada.

> >

> > How to get rid with the feeling of guiltiness to have abandonned my nada and

to empeach her to see her grand-children ? I feel like I am the worst daughter

possible, what she is probably certainly saying to all my family members.

> >

> > I thought to share all these thoughts with all of you, because the more I

read all your posts, the more I realize how much we are going through kind of

similar things in our lifes, and except people of this group and my own

children, noone really understand what I am going through.

> >

> > In the past I have not been always responding to every kind e-mail I

received, partly because english is not my native language and sometimes there

are so many e-mails here that I really don't manage. Sometimes also because here

I live hard things with my elder child who is also BDP and when it's too hard, I

disconnect from internet. Sometimes also when some people are too kinds with me,

I feel so conforted, but I don't know what to answer. I have never received

that from my mother and I really don't know what to say ! It makes me feel

awfull.

> > I ask sincerely forgiveness to all the kind people I didn't manage to answer

to. Thank you for your kind and conforting words and please forgive me.

> >

> > Actually I feel awfull, because I have spent nearly all my life to deal with

BDP nada, and now I have to deal with BDP son, I think life is unfair. My heart

is crying inside.

> >

> > God bless you all.

> > Take all very good care of yourselves.

> >

> > Natacha

> > XXXXX

> >

>