Re : Re: How to bear NC on the long term ?

[Guest guest]

Dear Fiona,

Thank you for your kind letter :-)

I don't think of therapy for now, as I already did a therapy when I was a

student in Paris during few years, and also because here now I live in a very

little town and there is not a specialized hospital here for that. 

But I have to admit that I am not feeling well at all actually, I am under a lot

of stress because of what I am going through with my elder son. Last week I had

pain inside my heart, it was pinching regularily, so I got scared and saw my

doctor yesterday, I just thought if it could be something about the heart, but

he said it is only stress. he wanted to put me under anxiolitic but I refused,

so he just gave magnesium to me.

I see how I am, I am less patient and get nervous more easily. I want my son to

leave because it is too much for me now, nervously I can't handle to look after

him any more, this tension is destroying me. I feel just like I am an absolute

failure, not even managing with my elder son like everyone else. My son also

makes me feel strongly that I am a failure, he is insulting me and criticizing

everything I do, telling me that I don't love him, telling lies to his father

against me.....After beeing the failure of my mother during most of my life, I

am the failure of my son ....:-) It is just destroying me, it is too much !

Yes I should take care of me.

Thank you for your kind friendship Fiona !!!! :-)

It is so good to be in this group support !!!! It is the first time in my life I

think I know people believe me really when I tell about these things !

I feel recognized here !

Thank you to all !!!! :-)

Natacha

XXXX

________________________________

De : Fiona hermitsdaughter@...>

À : WTOAdultChildren1

Envoyé le : Mardi 17 avril 2012 14h52

Objet : Re: How to bear NC on the long term ?

 

Natacha, I'm so sorry for all the hurt and pain you're going through.

What you're doing is natural: you are protecting yourself from a hurtful,toxic

person. Good for you for taking care of yourself.

The painful part is that we DO love our mothers, but to deny ourselves and to

pretend there is no pain, if no way to live.

I don't know if you are in therapy or if you have considered it. I think it

would help you deal with everything, esp now you mentioned your son has BPD as

well. You deserve to be happy and to live your own life out of everyone else's

shadows.

I am not NC with my mother, so I cannot offer much advice there. But I just want

you to know we're here for you and your English is great.

Fiona

>

> Dear Friends,

>

> I would like to share this topic with you : How do you feel when you have gone

NC for a while from nada ?

> I have gone NC last june and it is now nearly one year.

> She has rang my phone many times but I never answered.

> Last Christmas she arrived with her husband at my door witout beeing invited

and rang a long time. I think I wouldn't have been strong enough this day, but

for chance I was in my bath, and the time to go out of the bathroom, they had

already left.

>

> I would like to know how people here who have gone NC for a while feel inside.

> I thought to go NC would mean the end of every problem. On a way, it is, as I

don't have any new interaction with her, but on another way, it is not, because

I feel more and more guilty first, the more the time pass I feel more and more

rejected by the all family (even before I had cut with nada they were never

coming to see me), and also because the pain from my childhood is still inside

me and it still often hurts, while it is from the past. It is like I have a hole

inside my heart of all what she never gave to me and it is a hole surrended with

sadness all arround it and it is burning inside and the taste is like the taste

of the tears. And I would also add this : I love her ! I love her so deeply ! I

have spent my childhood to be the best in everything to make her love me but I

was never good enough. But I still love her inside. It is like if I still wait

for her love back, while I know at 40 years old now that she will never give to

me this love

(she is sixty today). It is terrible for me to do that, to have gone NC, but it

is to protect myself and my children.

>

> I am also afraid that one day she will trap me again. This is my second time

of NC. I hope this time I will be strong enough never to fall down again.

> The first time was during one year and a half, then she trapped me when my

Grand-Mother was dying, she made my Grand-mother beg me for a " reconciliation "

between her daughter and her grand-daughter and I couldn't refuse this to my

dying Grand-Mother.

> I don't think nada could trap me again because my true Mummy, my Grand-Mother

has gone, so now I have noone to please to be ever forced to switch back with

nada.

>

> How to get rid with the feeling of guiltiness to have abandonned my nada and

to empeach her to see her grand-children ? I feel like I am the worst daughter

possible, what she is probably certainly saying to all my family members.

>

> I thought to share all these thoughts with all of you, because the more I read

all your posts, the more I realize how much we are going through kind of similar

things in our lifes, and except people of this group and my own children, noone

really understand what I am going through.

>

> In the past I have not been always responding to every kind e-mail I received,

partly because english is not my native language and sometimes there are so many

e-mails here that I really don't manage. Sometimes also because here I live hard

things with my elder child who is also BDP and when it's too hard, I disconnect

from internet. Sometimes also when some people are too kinds with me, I feel so

conforted, but I don't know what to answer. I have never received that from my

mother and I really don't know what to say ! It makes me feel awfull.

> I ask sincerely forgiveness to all the kind people I didn't manage to answer

to. Thank you for your kind and conforting words and please forgive me.

>

> Actually I feel awfull, because I have spent nearly all my life to deal with

BDP nada, and now I have to deal with BDP son, I think life is unfair. My heart

is crying inside.

>

> God bless you all.

> Take all very good care of yourselves.

>

> Natacha

> XXXXX

>