I don't know what has happened to me

[Guest guest]

I've been following the the WTOAdultChildren1 posts for a

few months. I have noticed that many decribe engaging in ways that are

clear to me to be hopeless and counterproductive. Many describe outrage and

anguish. But, effort to engage and get results. Hopeful, but misguided

attempts to FIX things and to relieve suffering. I've tried them all and

then some. Nothing has ever worked for me.

The last couple of days I've noticed that I've gone somewhat numb. I don't

care. My head is not full of anguish. My head feels empty ( with a residual

hatred for the numerous borderlines who have tortured me, for fun).

Anybody got any ideas for me? What is going on with me? Will it last? The

love is gone. The forgiveness is gone. All attempts at understanding seem

stupid.

I hope it will last. I am so tired of suffering. I have no wish to continue

worrying and hoping and praying that the craziness will stop. I want the

bpd daughter to go away and leave me alone.

I was born of a bpd and drunken violent npd and I was unwanted. I was an

accident that ruined their lives. Then, at 18, I was married against my

will to an npd/ major depressive for the convenience of all around me, not

my wish. I walked down the aisle planning my suicide. I felt sold into

slavery and I was. Six years later, I gave birth to a bpd only child. I

wanted this child more than life itself. I have always loved babies. My

husband has a low sperm count and it took 5 years to get pregnant, as young

as we were. He didn't want a baby because he didn't want to be tied to me

but I was too stupid to leave him and then the unexpected miracle happened.

Unfortunately, altho she was beautiful and so forth, she was alway

difficult and I never got any help as much as I tried to get help.

EVERYBODY said my problem was that I was ugly and nobody liked me. She was

perfect. Her father abandoned us before she was 4 years old.

I have spent my entire life being battered by Borderline craziness. I have

always been the scapegoat that everybody hates and blames. I am ugly, but

not that ugly. Now I am old.

Have I finally snapped? My bpd daughter took my grandchildren away from me.

I will never forgive her. They were the (only) joy of my life. At 7 they do

not seem to be nuts.

I don't care anymore if my daughter is " sick " . I have reached my limit. I

am not strong enough to have anything left. I am empty. I am disabled. I

don't want to ever see my bpd daughter again. I don't care what happens to

her. I have nothing left to give. My broken heart doesn't want my bpd

daughter anymore. The more I am without my beloved grandchildren (her

children), the more I hate her. Those children, whom I raised while she

laid in bed for years, need me because their mother is crazy. They are all

that matter to me in this world. I would gladly give what is left of life

to them.

[Guest guest]

Wow Janet!

I am sorry to read of your despair. truly.

I don't really have a remedy for you other than to practice what I practice

when I am super low.

Find one thing you are grateful for.

If it is not obvious to you this moment try to remember that you at least

have use of your body (which I assume)

A dear 47 year old friend of mine has stage 4 breast cancer and I often

think of her to help me get over the tough moments.

I also worked across from a nursing home for 5 years and saw many many

people that had no control of their bodies or had any choices at all.

That would help me too when I felt really bad.

These little gratefulness's will probably not take you to place of

fulfillment and contentment but may help you get back to place of " just

OK " or even " just hanging on " .

To recover fully. I too am working on that. but have hope.

Do you have a good friend that you can talk to?

Let somebody give you a hug, a good one.

And seek a therapist ( I just did, and even posted about it)

Hope any of this helps.

I do care!

M-

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of janet Hutcheson

Sent: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 9:44 PM

To: wtoadultchildren1

Subject: I don't know what has happened to me

I've been following the the WTOAdultChildren1

posts for a

few months. I have noticed that many decribe engaging in ways that are

clear to me to be hopeless and counterproductive. Many describe outrage and

anguish. But, effort to engage and get results. Hopeful, but misguided

attempts to FIX things and to relieve suffering. I've tried them all and

then some. Nothing has ever worked for me.

The last couple of days I've noticed that I've gone somewhat numb. I don't

care. My head is not full of anguish. My head feels empty ( with a residual

hatred for the numerous borderlines who have tortured me, for fun).

Anybody got any ideas for me? What is going on with me? Will it last? The

love is gone. The forgiveness is gone. All attempts at understanding seem

stupid.

I hope it will last. I am so tired of suffering. I have no wish to continue

worrying and hoping and praying that the craziness will stop. I want the

bpd daughter to go away and leave me alone.

I was born of a bpd and drunken violent npd and I was unwanted. I was an

accident that ruined their lives. Then, at 18, I was married against my

will to an npd/ major depressive for the convenience of all around me, not

my wish. I walked down the aisle planning my suicide. I felt sold into

slavery and I was. Six years later, I gave birth to a bpd only child. I

wanted this child more than life itself. I have always loved babies. My

husband has a low sperm count and it took 5 years to get pregnant, as young

as we were. He didn't want a baby because he didn't want to be tied to me

but I was too stupid to leave him and then the unexpected miracle happened.

Unfortunately, altho she was beautiful and so forth, she was alway

difficult and I never got any help as much as I tried to get help.

EVERYBODY said my problem was that I was ugly and nobody liked me. She was

perfect. Her father abandoned us before she was 4 years old.

I have spent my entire life being battered by Borderline craziness. I have

always been the scapegoat that everybody hates and blames. I am ugly, but

not that ugly. Now I am old.

Have I finally snapped? My bpd daughter took my grandchildren away from me.

I will never forgive her. They were the (only) joy of my life. At 7 they do

not seem to be nuts.

I don't care anymore if my daughter is " sick " . I have reached my limit. I

am not strong enough to have anything left. I am empty. I am disabled. I

don't want to ever see my bpd daughter again. I don't care what happens to

her. I have nothing left to give. My broken heart doesn't want my bpd

daughter anymore. The more I am without my beloved grandchildren (her

children), the more I hate her. Those children, whom I raised while she

laid in bed for years, need me because their mother is crazy. They are all

that matter to me in this world. I would gladly give what is left of life

to them.