Is it bad to have NC cold turkey?

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I've just joined this group... I've been reading the book " stop walking on

eggshells " , and have not once heard about going NC, until reading some of the

post's here... My nada is out of control, and I'm having a really difficult time

trying to figure out the right approach to not giving into her.

She claims she's ill - both physically and mentally - and when I try and set

boundaries, she claims I hate her and don't love her. Just last weekend she said

she was expecting me to live with her my entire life (I'm a live-at-home-college

student), because I'm her best friend and she only lives for me; without me she

is nothing. I've tried asking her questions to try and understand why... and

then she accuses me of being disrespectful and cold; she want's to know what

happened to the old " us " . Until last summer I hadn't realized that BPD existed.

Now that I know it's a relief... but a challenge to try and get MY life back...

how common is NC? and how much does it hurt the BPD nada? What happens when they

say they'll have to quit work because they can't function without you? what

happens when they say they can't live without you? what happens when they say

they can't function and will have to quit their job and loose their house

because you've gone NC? or set too many boundaries...

NC... I don't want to do it... but things have been getting worse and worse...

Please, any support or tips would be greatly appreciated.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I can't write much now but my short answer for you is:

You were not put on this earth to be your parent's slave, or her mommy, or her

nurse, to never leave home and never have your own, independent, joyful adult

life adventure.

A parent's job is to prepare her child for adult life, to be responsible and

self-sufficient, and go out into the world and contribute to it. A parent who

instead keeps her child chained to her, demands that her child take care of the

parent's needs as though the parent is a small child... such a parent is a very

disturbed person.

Your mother needs psychiatric help, but, she is the only one who can decide that

she needs it. If you try to tell her this or force her to get therapy, it

simply won't work.

You, however, do have the power and ability to change how you respond to your

mother's dysfunctional behaviors. If you are in college, there are usually

counselors available at

college for the students. My suggestion is to speak to a counselor about your

situation and get some in-person validation about how to go about separating

emotionally and physically from your nada.

If you take nothing else away from my post, please take this idea:

You are not responsible for your mother's mental illness. You didn't cause it

and you can't cure it. You are not responsible for your mother's feelings; her

feelings are her own to carry and deal with. You are not responsible for being

your mother's mother. Your mother is an adult and she must take responsibility

for her own needs. Growing up and leaving home is nothing to feel guilty

about, its normal and natural to leave home when you are an adult.

More later. I hope that helps you.

-Annie

>

> Hello,

> I've just joined this group... I've been reading the book " stop walking on

eggshells " , and have not once heard about going NC, until reading some of the

post's here... My nada is out of control, and I'm having a really difficult time

trying to figure out the right approach to not giving into her.

> She claims she's ill - both physically and mentally - and when I try and set

boundaries, she claims I hate her and don't love her. Just last weekend she said

she was expecting me to live with her my entire life (I'm a live-at-home-college

student), because I'm her best friend and she only lives for me; without me she

is nothing. I've tried asking her questions to try and understand why... and

then she accuses me of being disrespectful and cold; she want's to know what

happened to the old " us " . Until last summer I hadn't realized that BPD existed.

Now that I know it's a relief... but a challenge to try and get MY life back...

how common is NC? and how much does it hurt the BPD nada? What happens when they

say they'll have to quit work because they can't function without you? what

happens when they say they can't live without you? what happens when they say

they can't function and will have to quit their job and loose their house

because you've gone NC? or set too many boundaries...

> NC... I don't want to do it... but things have been getting worse and worse...

> Please, any support or tips would be greatly appreciated.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I can't write much now but my short answer for you is:

You were not put on this earth to be your parent's slave, or her mommy, or her

nurse, to never leave home and never have your own, independent, joyful adult

life adventure.

A parent's job is to prepare her child for adult life, to be responsible and

self-sufficient, and go out into the world and contribute to it. A parent who

instead keeps her child chained to her, demands that her child take care of the

parent's needs as though the parent is a small child... such a parent is a very

disturbed person.

Your mother needs psychiatric help, but, she is the only one who can decide that

she needs it. If you try to tell her this or force her to get therapy, it

simply won't work.

You, however, do have the power and ability to change how you respond to your

mother's dysfunctional behaviors. If you are in college, there are usually

counselors available at

college for the students. My suggestion is to speak to a counselor about your

situation and get some in-person validation about how to go about separating

emotionally and physically from your nada.

If you take nothing else away from my post, please take this idea:

You are not responsible for your mother's mental illness. You didn't cause it

and you can't cure it. You are not responsible for your mother's feelings; her

feelings are her own to carry and deal with. You are not responsible for being

your mother's mother. Your mother is an adult and she must take responsibility

for her own needs. Growing up and leaving home is nothing to feel guilty

about, its normal and natural to leave home when you are an adult.

More later. I hope that helps you.

-Annie

>

> Hello,

> I've just joined this group... I've been reading the book " stop walking on

eggshells " , and have not once heard about going NC, until reading some of the

post's here... My nada is out of control, and I'm having a really difficult time

trying to figure out the right approach to not giving into her.

> She claims she's ill - both physically and mentally - and when I try and set

boundaries, she claims I hate her and don't love her. Just last weekend she said

she was expecting me to live with her my entire life (I'm a live-at-home-college

student), because I'm her best friend and she only lives for me; without me she

is nothing. I've tried asking her questions to try and understand why... and

then she accuses me of being disrespectful and cold; she want's to know what

happened to the old " us " . Until last summer I hadn't realized that BPD existed.

Now that I know it's a relief... but a challenge to try and get MY life back...

how common is NC? and how much does it hurt the BPD nada? What happens when they

say they'll have to quit work because they can't function without you? what

happens when they say they can't live without you? what happens when they say

they can't function and will have to quit their job and loose their house

because you've gone NC? or set too many boundaries...

> NC... I don't want to do it... but things have been getting worse and worse...

> Please, any support or tips would be greatly appreciated.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I can't write much now but my short answer for you is:

You were not put on this earth to be your parent's slave, or her mommy, or her

nurse, to never leave home and never have your own, independent, joyful adult

life adventure.

A parent's job is to prepare her child for adult life, to be responsible and

self-sufficient, and go out into the world and contribute to it. A parent who

instead keeps her child chained to her, demands that her child take care of the

parent's needs as though the parent is a small child... such a parent is a very

disturbed person.

Your mother needs psychiatric help, but, she is the only one who can decide that

she needs it. If you try to tell her this or force her to get therapy, it

simply won't work.

You, however, do have the power and ability to change how you respond to your

mother's dysfunctional behaviors. If you are in college, there are usually

counselors available at

college for the students. My suggestion is to speak to a counselor about your

situation and get some in-person validation about how to go about separating

emotionally and physically from your nada.

If you take nothing else away from my post, please take this idea:

You are not responsible for your mother's mental illness. You didn't cause it

and you can't cure it. You are not responsible for your mother's feelings; her

feelings are her own to carry and deal with. You are not responsible for being

your mother's mother. Your mother is an adult and she must take responsibility

for her own needs. Growing up and leaving home is nothing to feel guilty

about, its normal and natural to leave home when you are an adult.

More later. I hope that helps you.

-Annie

>

> Hello,

> I've just joined this group... I've been reading the book " stop walking on

eggshells " , and have not once heard about going NC, until reading some of the

post's here... My nada is out of control, and I'm having a really difficult time

trying to figure out the right approach to not giving into her.

> She claims she's ill - both physically and mentally - and when I try and set

boundaries, she claims I hate her and don't love her. Just last weekend she said

she was expecting me to live with her my entire life (I'm a live-at-home-college

student), because I'm her best friend and she only lives for me; without me she

is nothing. I've tried asking her questions to try and understand why... and

then she accuses me of being disrespectful and cold; she want's to know what

happened to the old " us " . Until last summer I hadn't realized that BPD existed.

Now that I know it's a relief... but a challenge to try and get MY life back...

how common is NC? and how much does it hurt the BPD nada? What happens when they

say they'll have to quit work because they can't function without you? what

happens when they say they can't live without you? what happens when they say

they can't function and will have to quit their job and loose their house

because you've gone NC? or set too many boundaries...

> NC... I don't want to do it... but things have been getting worse and worse...

> Please, any support or tips would be greatly appreciated.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

and the more you try to set boundaries, the more FOG she gives you, right? The

worst thing she can conceive of is you being 'separate' from her. You are trying

to be a normal person, growing into adulthood. She is trying to keep you

enmeshed.

Eventually you will have to separate from her in order to have a life of your

own. You should be more worried about how much pain this is going to cost YOU in

the long run. Perhaps you should speak with a T to get clear about how much

separation you can tolerate from her (lc vs nc) and/or what boundaries you will

need to set/stick to.

Not only did my nada run roughshod over me for years, by the time I *tried* to

set boundaries (age 30), my nada was NOT going to have any boundaries set for

her! She'd rather choke than back down or apologize, and uses the most sneaky,

manipulative tricks to get me to shift my thinking in her favor. I am now 48 and

in my second NC period with her. I have changed a lot in this time--my nada has

just gotten more Queen like, embittered, and now becoming forgetful (she fills

in the gaps with new lies). Oh, and her defenses and blaming is honed to the

sharpest point possible.

It is not normal for a daughter to be her mother's 'only' BFF. I say this

because I lived that role for decades myself with my own mother.

Good luck, I hope you get away.

>

> Hello,

> I've just joined this group... I've been reading the book " stop walking on

eggshells " , and have not once heard about going NC, until reading some of the

post's here... My nada is out of control, and I'm having a really difficult time

trying to figure out the right approach to not giving into her.

> She claims she's ill - both physically and mentally - and when I try and set

boundaries, she claims I hate her and don't love her. Just last weekend she said

she was expecting me to live with her my entire life (I'm a live-at-home-college

student), because I'm her best friend and she only lives for me; without me she

is nothing. I've tried asking her questions to try and understand why... and

then she accuses me of being disrespectful and cold; she want's to know what

happened to the old " us " . Until last summer I hadn't realized that BPD existed.

Now that I know it's a relief... but a challenge to try and get MY life back...

how common is NC? and how much does it hurt the BPD nada? What happens when they

say they'll have to quit work because they can't function without you? what

happens when they say they can't live without you? what happens when they say

they can't function and will have to quit their job and loose their house

because you've gone NC? or set too many boundaries...

> NC... I don't want to do it... but things have been getting worse and worse...

> Please, any support or tips would be greatly appreciated.

>

>

>