Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 Alice, Did she ask it because she actually realized you were angry or was it a way of trying to blame you for the things she was saying or doing? Nadas seem to like questions like that, even when no else seems angry. My nada often substitutes " rude " for angry. She loves to deflect attention from her own behavior by acting like other people are being rude to her. I think it is part of their assumption that everyone feels the way they do. Despite the accusations when she feels like making them, she seems pretty oblivious to it when people really are angry with her. When she asks me why other people are angry with her I sometimes tell her the reasons that I know about. I don't think I have to tell you that my nada really doesn't want that question answered. At 10:47 AM 04/19/2012 Alice Spiedon wrote: >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 Alice, Did she ask it because she actually realized you were angry or was it a way of trying to blame you for the things she was saying or doing? Nadas seem to like questions like that, even when no else seems angry. My nada often substitutes " rude " for angry. She loves to deflect attention from her own behavior by acting like other people are being rude to her. I think it is part of their assumption that everyone feels the way they do. Despite the accusations when she feels like making them, she seems pretty oblivious to it when people really are angry with her. When she asks me why other people are angry with her I sometimes tell her the reasons that I know about. I don't think I have to tell you that my nada really doesn't want that question answered. At 10:47 AM 04/19/2012 Alice Spiedon wrote: >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 She actually did realize it, I think - although she still completely trivialized and misinterpreted it. In my current state of dealing with the grief and anger of dealing with her, I find that, now that I'm actually allowing the feelings, they're seeping out all the time, and it gets harder for me to control them when triggered by something she says or does. It's an ugly process, and I don't like it! I think it would really be difficult for her NOT to notice I'm angry sometimes. I think there's always a little bit of blame involved in her " acknowledgment " of my feelings. In that same conversation, she asked why I'm always looking at her with such hatred (I'm not - I'm looking at her with annoyance and complete, total frustration), and she said, " Other mothers don't have to put up with looks of hatred from THEIR daughters. " Translation: YOU need to change what you're feeling, thinking, and doing because I'm no different from other mothers. I thought about actually writing down a list of all the reasons why I'm angry and giving it to her, but I imagine that it wouldn't be accepted very well (if at all). I'm thinking she'd just use it as more ammo for her " I have a terrible daughter who hates me, and I don't understand why " victim arsenal. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 11:08 AM Subject: Re: Why are you so angry?  Alice, Did she ask it because she actually realized you were angry or was it a way of trying to blame you for the things she was saying or doing? Nadas seem to like questions like that, even when no else seems angry. My nada often substitutes " rude " for angry. She loves to deflect attention from her own behavior by acting like other people are being rude to her. I think it is part of their assumption that everyone feels the way they do. Despite the accusations when she feels like making them, she seems pretty oblivious to it when people really are angry with her. When she asks me why other people are angry with her I sometimes tell her the reasons that I know about. I don't think I have to tell you that my nada really doesn't want that question answered. At 10:47 AM 04/19/2012 Alice Spiedon wrote: >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 She actually did realize it, I think - although she still completely trivialized and misinterpreted it. In my current state of dealing with the grief and anger of dealing with her, I find that, now that I'm actually allowing the feelings, they're seeping out all the time, and it gets harder for me to control them when triggered by something she says or does. It's an ugly process, and I don't like it! I think it would really be difficult for her NOT to notice I'm angry sometimes. I think there's always a little bit of blame involved in her " acknowledgment " of my feelings. In that same conversation, she asked why I'm always looking at her with such hatred (I'm not - I'm looking at her with annoyance and complete, total frustration), and she said, " Other mothers don't have to put up with looks of hatred from THEIR daughters. " Translation: YOU need to change what you're feeling, thinking, and doing because I'm no different from other mothers. I thought about actually writing down a list of all the reasons why I'm angry and giving it to her, but I imagine that it wouldn't be accepted very well (if at all). I'm thinking she'd just use it as more ammo for her " I have a terrible daughter who hates me, and I don't understand why " victim arsenal. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 11:08 AM Subject: Re: Why are you so angry?  Alice, Did she ask it because she actually realized you were angry or was it a way of trying to blame you for the things she was saying or doing? Nadas seem to like questions like that, even when no else seems angry. My nada often substitutes " rude " for angry. She loves to deflect attention from her own behavior by acting like other people are being rude to her. I think it is part of their assumption that everyone feels the way they do. Despite the accusations when she feels like making them, she seems pretty oblivious to it when people really are angry with her. When she asks me why other people are angry with her I sometimes tell her the reasons that I know about. I don't think I have to tell you that my nada really doesn't want that question answered. At 10:47 AM 04/19/2012 Alice Spiedon wrote: >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 She actually did realize it, I think - although she still completely trivialized and misinterpreted it. In my current state of dealing with the grief and anger of dealing with her, I find that, now that I'm actually allowing the feelings, they're seeping out all the time, and it gets harder for me to control them when triggered by something she says or does. It's an ugly process, and I don't like it! I think it would really be difficult for her NOT to notice I'm angry sometimes. I think there's always a little bit of blame involved in her " acknowledgment " of my feelings. In that same conversation, she asked why I'm always looking at her with such hatred (I'm not - I'm looking at her with annoyance and complete, total frustration), and she said, " Other mothers don't have to put up with looks of hatred from THEIR daughters. " Translation: YOU need to change what you're feeling, thinking, and doing because I'm no different from other mothers. I thought about actually writing down a list of all the reasons why I'm angry and giving it to her, but I imagine that it wouldn't be accepted very well (if at all). I'm thinking she'd just use it as more ammo for her " I have a terrible daughter who hates me, and I don't understand why " victim arsenal. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 11:08 AM Subject: Re: Why are you so angry?  Alice, Did she ask it because she actually realized you were angry or was it a way of trying to blame you for the things she was saying or doing? Nadas seem to like questions like that, even when no else seems angry. My nada often substitutes " rude " for angry. She loves to deflect attention from her own behavior by acting like other people are being rude to her. I think it is part of their assumption that everyone feels the way they do. Despite the accusations when she feels like making them, she seems pretty oblivious to it when people really are angry with her. When she asks me why other people are angry with her I sometimes tell her the reasons that I know about. I don't think I have to tell you that my nada really doesn't want that question answered. At 10:47 AM 04/19/2012 Alice Spiedon wrote: >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 Possibly, it could be due to projection. Perhaps your nada is feeling irritated and so she projects her own irritability or anger onto you, with a " You look angry! " comment. My own nada would do this really often. I think she would be feeling " antsy " and *wanting to pick a fight*, so she'd look at me and I'd be reading a book or watching TV or something neutral, and announce to me that " You look pissed off, what are you so angry about? You're pissed off at me, aren't you!? " When you're a kid, there is no defense against this kind of attack; it was really just an announcement that I was about to get screamed at and maybe slapped around or hit, again. As an adult, rather late in adulthood I realized that I actually could just leave the room or the house and get away. That kind of verbal provocation, that kind of goading attack does not require an answer. Just leave, and protect yourself. Its bullying behavior, seems to me. I can't stand bullies. -Annie > >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost > >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 Possibly, it could be due to projection. Perhaps your nada is feeling irritated and so she projects her own irritability or anger onto you, with a " You look angry! " comment. My own nada would do this really often. I think she would be feeling " antsy " and *wanting to pick a fight*, so she'd look at me and I'd be reading a book or watching TV or something neutral, and announce to me that " You look pissed off, what are you so angry about? You're pissed off at me, aren't you!? " When you're a kid, there is no defense against this kind of attack; it was really just an announcement that I was about to get screamed at and maybe slapped around or hit, again. As an adult, rather late in adulthood I realized that I actually could just leave the room or the house and get away. That kind of verbal provocation, that kind of goading attack does not require an answer. Just leave, and protect yourself. Its bullying behavior, seems to me. I can't stand bullies. -Annie > >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost > >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 Possibly, it could be due to projection. Perhaps your nada is feeling irritated and so she projects her own irritability or anger onto you, with a " You look angry! " comment. My own nada would do this really often. I think she would be feeling " antsy " and *wanting to pick a fight*, so she'd look at me and I'd be reading a book or watching TV or something neutral, and announce to me that " You look pissed off, what are you so angry about? You're pissed off at me, aren't you!? " When you're a kid, there is no defense against this kind of attack; it was really just an announcement that I was about to get screamed at and maybe slapped around or hit, again. As an adult, rather late in adulthood I realized that I actually could just leave the room or the house and get away. That kind of verbal provocation, that kind of goading attack does not require an answer. Just leave, and protect yourself. Its bullying behavior, seems to me. I can't stand bullies. -Annie > >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost > >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 Your instinct is correct, in my opinion. Writing down a list of things your nada has done to make you angry will just be used as ammunition against you, later. If your bpd mom is like mine was, she will share your letter with her friends and other family members as " proof " of how awful YOU are. My suggestion is to simply spend as little time in your bpd mother's presence as possible. If you're living with her, start making active plans to live somewhere else, or come home only to sleep. If you're living on your own, cut back on how often you visit, and take someone with you whenever possible. Limit her phone and text access to you, for your own peace of mind. When you live with a nada who is determined to pick fights with you and make you her emotional punching bag, its a no-win situation: you are living with a bully. The only real solution is to put physical and emotional distance between you and the bully. But that's just my opinion. You have to figure out what will work best for you, in your own personal situation. -Annie > >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost > >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... > > -- > Katrina > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 Your instinct is correct, in my opinion. Writing down a list of things your nada has done to make you angry will just be used as ammunition against you, later. If your bpd mom is like mine was, she will share your letter with her friends and other family members as " proof " of how awful YOU are. My suggestion is to simply spend as little time in your bpd mother's presence as possible. If you're living with her, start making active plans to live somewhere else, or come home only to sleep. If you're living on your own, cut back on how often you visit, and take someone with you whenever possible. Limit her phone and text access to you, for your own peace of mind. When you live with a nada who is determined to pick fights with you and make you her emotional punching bag, its a no-win situation: you are living with a bully. The only real solution is to put physical and emotional distance between you and the bully. But that's just my opinion. You have to figure out what will work best for you, in your own personal situation. -Annie > >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost > >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... > > -- > Katrina > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 Your instinct is correct, in my opinion. Writing down a list of things your nada has done to make you angry will just be used as ammunition against you, later. If your bpd mom is like mine was, she will share your letter with her friends and other family members as " proof " of how awful YOU are. My suggestion is to simply spend as little time in your bpd mother's presence as possible. If you're living with her, start making active plans to live somewhere else, or come home only to sleep. If you're living on your own, cut back on how often you visit, and take someone with you whenever possible. Limit her phone and text access to you, for your own peace of mind. When you live with a nada who is determined to pick fights with you and make you her emotional punching bag, its a no-win situation: you are living with a bully. The only real solution is to put physical and emotional distance between you and the bully. But that's just my opinion. You have to figure out what will work best for you, in your own personal situation. -Annie > >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost > >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... > > -- > Katrina > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 During one T session I was mad as hell about an ongoing situation where my son was not being responsible or accountable for his actions. I was the only one outraged and feeling pain. My son was happy as a lark-- " No worries, Mom " . My T said: " This isn't your pain to feel, he is refusing to take on his pain and be accountable for doing wrong. Your worry for him and upset has transferred his pain to you, but it was your choice to take it on. You need to drop this pain right back into his lap. " It's all about boundaries, and honesty. She may not agree to your version of events, but maybe you should have listed the reasons anyway, chapter and verse. If nothing else, maybe the listing of them out loud and to her face may help you to heal. > > She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 During one T session I was mad as hell about an ongoing situation where my son was not being responsible or accountable for his actions. I was the only one outraged and feeling pain. My son was happy as a lark-- " No worries, Mom " . My T said: " This isn't your pain to feel, he is refusing to take on his pain and be accountable for doing wrong. Your worry for him and upset has transferred his pain to you, but it was your choice to take it on. You need to drop this pain right back into his lap. " It's all about boundaries, and honesty. She may not agree to your version of events, but maybe you should have listed the reasons anyway, chapter and verse. If nothing else, maybe the listing of them out loud and to her face may help you to heal. > > She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 During one T session I was mad as hell about an ongoing situation where my son was not being responsible or accountable for his actions. I was the only one outraged and feeling pain. My son was happy as a lark-- " No worries, Mom " . My T said: " This isn't your pain to feel, he is refusing to take on his pain and be accountable for doing wrong. Your worry for him and upset has transferred his pain to you, but it was your choice to take it on. You need to drop this pain right back into his lap. " It's all about boundaries, and honesty. She may not agree to your version of events, but maybe you should have listed the reasons anyway, chapter and verse. If nothing else, maybe the listing of them out loud and to her face may help you to heal. > > She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Hi I have been struggling with the same issues all of do and know this one really really really well! lol! Do you have a place where you can hide a notebook or a computer where you can hide a file? because-- I do recommend you list all the things your nada has done to make you angry, but DO NOT SHARE IT WITH HER! Because I completely agree 110% that if found it WILL be used against you. Without a shadow of doubt, this I know. I have written 'never to be sent' letters, just for me to be able to get a handle on 'what is real' as both the event and MY feelings. I have found over the years that when I could 'claim' for myself, my feelings and my truth, I was able to have a clearer view of her and dealt with her better. I have just recently (I'm 46), distanced myself from my nada (July 2011) and have been using what I learned over the years to make it stick this time (lol)...........so I would also recommend you limit - extremely- any verbal communication. As I know from my experience that any verbal communication I have with my nada WILL be twisted and changed and.....used against me. So I am using ONLY email and saving ALL of them in a file. I am very careful in my emails to her to not hint in any way my feelings---and when her's ask directly 'what's going on with you', 'what did I do wrong?', ' I am so sick of you making me responsible for your f***up life', 'I really recommend that you let the past go and forgive yourself'........I could go on and on, and these are just examples from the last 2 months. ----I ignore them (sometimes I have had to take several days before emailing back because the urge is sooo strong) and as hard as it is not to reply to them-- I don't. I can't, for is I do, I know I will lose again. The very act of responding to those questions end up with me--- 'justifying' myself, my truth, my feelings-----and again, I know from experience (tried this before several times over the years) when this happens..once again...she gets what she wants-back into my life and the ability to use 'me', to beat up emotionally and suck dry. I have been trying to accomplish 'getting away from her' for over 20 yrs so I know a lot about what doesn't work, lol! Knowledge I am using now with better success so far then I've ever had......so I really do know how incredibly difficult it is, even when I know just how spectacularly destructive my nada is/has been to me, my life. Example of this--my husband asked me for a divorce last night- she got to him. Of this I have no doubt-- I wish I did, but the words he used to express himself, are hers. I have 46yrs of knowing her and I know those statements. She is also currently going after my 25yrs old son to turn against me and my 12yr old daughter. Last week my daughter looked directly in my eyes and said,'Grandma says you are a liar.' So yes, make that list, write 'never' letters, keep track of what is real........for me it was the only way to offer myself an opportunity to make different choices from the ones that have hurt me so badly. Well, I definitely have written more then I thought I would, lol. Good luck and take care of yourself. > > >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost > > >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... > > > > -- > > Katrina > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Hi I have been struggling with the same issues all of do and know this one really really really well! lol! Do you have a place where you can hide a notebook or a computer where you can hide a file? because-- I do recommend you list all the things your nada has done to make you angry, but DO NOT SHARE IT WITH HER! Because I completely agree 110% that if found it WILL be used against you. Without a shadow of doubt, this I know. I have written 'never to be sent' letters, just for me to be able to get a handle on 'what is real' as both the event and MY feelings. I have found over the years that when I could 'claim' for myself, my feelings and my truth, I was able to have a clearer view of her and dealt with her better. I have just recently (I'm 46), distanced myself from my nada (July 2011) and have been using what I learned over the years to make it stick this time (lol)...........so I would also recommend you limit - extremely- any verbal communication. As I know from my experience that any verbal communication I have with my nada WILL be twisted and changed and.....used against me. So I am using ONLY email and saving ALL of them in a file. I am very careful in my emails to her to not hint in any way my feelings---and when her's ask directly 'what's going on with you', 'what did I do wrong?', ' I am so sick of you making me responsible for your f***up life', 'I really recommend that you let the past go and forgive yourself'........I could go on and on, and these are just examples from the last 2 months. ----I ignore them (sometimes I have had to take several days before emailing back because the urge is sooo strong) and as hard as it is not to reply to them-- I don't. I can't, for is I do, I know I will lose again. The very act of responding to those questions end up with me--- 'justifying' myself, my truth, my feelings-----and again, I know from experience (tried this before several times over the years) when this happens..once again...she gets what she wants-back into my life and the ability to use 'me', to beat up emotionally and suck dry. I have been trying to accomplish 'getting away from her' for over 20 yrs so I know a lot about what doesn't work, lol! Knowledge I am using now with better success so far then I've ever had......so I really do know how incredibly difficult it is, even when I know just how spectacularly destructive my nada is/has been to me, my life. Example of this--my husband asked me for a divorce last night- she got to him. Of this I have no doubt-- I wish I did, but the words he used to express himself, are hers. I have 46yrs of knowing her and I know those statements. She is also currently going after my 25yrs old son to turn against me and my 12yr old daughter. Last week my daughter looked directly in my eyes and said,'Grandma says you are a liar.' So yes, make that list, write 'never' letters, keep track of what is real........for me it was the only way to offer myself an opportunity to make different choices from the ones that have hurt me so badly. Well, I definitely have written more then I thought I would, lol. Good luck and take care of yourself. > > >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost > > >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... > > > > -- > > Katrina > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Hi I have been struggling with the same issues all of do and know this one really really really well! lol! Do you have a place where you can hide a notebook or a computer where you can hide a file? because-- I do recommend you list all the things your nada has done to make you angry, but DO NOT SHARE IT WITH HER! Because I completely agree 110% that if found it WILL be used against you. Without a shadow of doubt, this I know. I have written 'never to be sent' letters, just for me to be able to get a handle on 'what is real' as both the event and MY feelings. I have found over the years that when I could 'claim' for myself, my feelings and my truth, I was able to have a clearer view of her and dealt with her better. I have just recently (I'm 46), distanced myself from my nada (July 2011) and have been using what I learned over the years to make it stick this time (lol)...........so I would also recommend you limit - extremely- any verbal communication. As I know from my experience that any verbal communication I have with my nada WILL be twisted and changed and.....used against me. So I am using ONLY email and saving ALL of them in a file. I am very careful in my emails to her to not hint in any way my feelings---and when her's ask directly 'what's going on with you', 'what did I do wrong?', ' I am so sick of you making me responsible for your f***up life', 'I really recommend that you let the past go and forgive yourself'........I could go on and on, and these are just examples from the last 2 months. ----I ignore them (sometimes I have had to take several days before emailing back because the urge is sooo strong) and as hard as it is not to reply to them-- I don't. I can't, for is I do, I know I will lose again. The very act of responding to those questions end up with me--- 'justifying' myself, my truth, my feelings-----and again, I know from experience (tried this before several times over the years) when this happens..once again...she gets what she wants-back into my life and the ability to use 'me', to beat up emotionally and suck dry. I have been trying to accomplish 'getting away from her' for over 20 yrs so I know a lot about what doesn't work, lol! Knowledge I am using now with better success so far then I've ever had......so I really do know how incredibly difficult it is, even when I know just how spectacularly destructive my nada is/has been to me, my life. Example of this--my husband asked me for a divorce last night- she got to him. Of this I have no doubt-- I wish I did, but the words he used to express himself, are hers. I have 46yrs of knowing her and I know those statements. She is also currently going after my 25yrs old son to turn against me and my 12yr old daughter. Last week my daughter looked directly in my eyes and said,'Grandma says you are a liar.' So yes, make that list, write 'never' letters, keep track of what is real........for me it was the only way to offer myself an opportunity to make different choices from the ones that have hurt me so badly. Well, I definitely have written more then I thought I would, lol. Good luck and take care of yourself. > > >She actually asked me this question yesterday, and I almost > > >laughed. Why am I angry with you? Let me count the reasons ... > > > > -- > > Katrina > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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