Re: Re: everything goes back to normal

[Guest guest]

Hi PC,

I too have been puzzled by this weird BPD ability too act out in

horrible ways, then, when they're " done, " to act as though nothing ever

happened.

The family does something similar, and behaves as though nothing has

happened, but I think, for somewhat different reasons. (At least we did in

my family)

I recently heard the BPDs ability to do this, as " splicing " reality, and

the term made a lot of sense to me.

My Nada could beat the living stuffing out of me, but conveniently quit

just prior to my Dad returning home, or company arriving, and behave as

though nothing had happened, while I, on the other hand, would appear to be

an emotional mess, unless I sucked it up, and played her game, and

pretended nothing was wrong.

If someone asked what was wrong with me, she would make up a story, about

my bad attitude, or that I was crying because I had wanted chocolate ice

cream, or some other such non-sense, then pull me close, for a side-hug,

and smile and wipe my face, and say something to the effect that " but, we

have everything cleared up now! "

I remember one really crazy-making incident where she was jerking me

around by the hair, then grabbed my face, squeezed hard, and slammed my

head against the wall , while talking on the phone as if nothing was wrong!

She was actually talking to the other person, in a warm, friendly way, with

a perfectly normal voice while she was brutalizing me, but, her eyes were

locked on mine with an absolutely reptilian intensity.

Whether or not the BPD/NPD intends it, (and I believe they do) this kind

of insane behavior causes the child involved to participate in their own

abuse. In being forced to participate in the lie of causality, ( that I was

crying because I was denied chocolate ice cream, when in fact I was being

beaten because she *thought *I was thinking something critical about her,)

I was forced to collude against myself, which further brutalized my sense

of self. Yet, to maintain my own safety, I too had to participate in the

" splicing " of reality.

Most families of BPD/NPDs are functioning from various forms of denial,

and avoidance. To acknowledge that the BPD/NPD is behaving in such

outrageous ways, is going to call for action of some kind, and most family

members are uncertain, (and often unwilling) as to what kind of action to

take.

I think some members are just glad that the BPD/NPD isn't focusing on

them at the moment.

Some believe the issues can be prayed away, pseudo- psychologized, or

justified in some other totally non-helpful, but temporarily paliative or

placebic fashion. ( we'll pray for her, honey or, well, you must have

triggered something from her terrible childhood, or, it takes two to

tango, are you sure you didn't have an attitude . . . . .)

Its just so much easier to believe that the victim is somehow

responsible for their abuse, than to believe that the individual in the

sanctified role of parent or care-taker is bat-sh*t crazy.

The fear of a mentally ill parent calls the mental stability of the

entire family into question, bringing shame, fear, and the potential of

terrible familial consequences ( the potential dissolution of the family)

with it, where as the mentally instability of a sibling, or non-parental

family member can be attributed to some personal defeciency, seperate from

the rest of the family.

This kind of " familial blindness, " and reality " splicing " is part of

the dynamic which creates scapegoats, and allows and perpetuates abuse. It

also allows the installation of the BPD/NPD partent or care-giver as the

King or Queen of the household, in that they create and control all family

reality, the allocation of resources, and creates roles for everyone else

in the family, ie. dung child / golden child, flying monkey brigade, etc.,

and allows the BPD/NPD to banish individuals who irritate him/her, as well

as demanding command performances.

Thus, to live with a BPD/NPD parent is, almost by defination, to live with

an historically sloppy and incontinent reality.

They practice what I have come to think of as the " oh-huh, nuhn-uh! "

theory, in which people and events only exists in the way that serves the

immediate desire or perception of the BPD/NPD. Think of the Red Queen in

Alice In Wonderland.

Well anyway, thats just my take on the issue.

Warm Regards, Sunspot

> **

>

>

> Where is the 'highfive' button??? I'm on the same page with Doug!

> My family does the ignore/pretend it thing, too. My therapist once

> asked...why call her back on the third day then? I paused and said, well

> because that's what we all just do. She she asked 'and what do you talk

> about. Ummm...the weather and what's coming up in the next few

> weeks...dysfuuuunction! That's when I realized I can change it. Boundaries,

> medium chill, LC, and no longer seeking a normal relationship are my answer

> to dealing with it. (some days...and silently screaming and eft tapping

> added in on other days)

> You're not alone, we're here and we've all been through it too. I know

> it's hard to talk about to others and it is so isolating. But you've come

> to a good spot and it's safe to vent here! PLEASE vent, when I hear others

> venting, I feel so at home and not alone. The similarities of our

> experiences amaze me. We definitely aren't alone in all of this.

>

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > So after no phone call on Easter and nothing yesterday, nada calls

> > > today and chats like everything is just normal and so do I. Maybe it

> is,

> > > I don't even know anymore.

> > > >

> > > > Basically the only choice I have in this family situation is to

> > > pretend, pretend, pretend. I feel so isolated. Counselling had limits

> > > and I live too far from things to continue. I have no siblings to vent

> > > to, most of the relatives have abandoned me because I talk to her, and

> I

> > > have very few friends where we live. I can't even post a frustrated

> > > comment on facebook because the relatives on there will go straight to

> > > her. I'm hesitant to post on here even though I have selected a generic

> > > name.

> > > >

> > > > How long can I keep pretending? How long can I keep this up?

> > > Pretending everything is wonderful and normal and it's just not.

> > > >

> > > > PC

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

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