Re: everything goes back to normal

[Guest guest]

Really well-put, Sunspot. I agree with your post entirely, because I

experienced eerily similar behaviors from my own nada. Its uncanny how similar.

And your account reinforces my opinion that such individuals are way too

mentally ill to be raising children. The deliberate covertness of the abuse

says it all. To me, that puts it in the same category as pedophilia, in that

the behaviors are obviously severely abusive and are carefully planned to be

covert.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > So after no phone call on Easter and nothing yesterday, nada calls

> > > > today and chats like everything is just normal and so do I. Maybe it

> > is,

> > > > I don't even know anymore.

> > > > >

> > > > > Basically the only choice I have in this family situation is to

> > > > pretend, pretend, pretend. I feel so isolated. Counselling had limits

> > > > and I live too far from things to continue. I have no siblings to vent

> > > > to, most of the relatives have abandoned me because I talk to her, and

> > I

> > > > have very few friends where we live. I can't even post a frustrated

> > > > comment on facebook because the relatives on there will go straight to

> > > > her. I'm hesitant to post on here even though I have selected a generic

> > > > name.

> > > > >

> > > > > How long can I keep pretending? How long can I keep this up?

> > > > Pretending everything is wonderful and normal and it's just not.

> > > > >

> > > > > PC

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for the validation, Annie and Millicent!

I have struggled for years trying to put this whole ugly, unsavory mess

o' worms into some context that made sense, and finally came to the

conclusion that I couldn't, due to the fact that it truly is a system of

" dis-reality. "

Once I quit trying to make *sense* of it, and justifying her behavior,

but instead began to chronicle what *actually* happened, ( just the facts,

please - thank God for DH ) I found a better grasp of the whole nasty

mess.

I have, so often, been admonished to be patient, be kind, pray for her,

get my own therapy, be understanding because she loooooooves me so much,

and worst of all, to* forgive*, or have been sucked back in, and

parentified, by her crocodile tears and vulnerability, or dissociative -

states - of - convenience, that I felt such a mind numbing despair and

sickness of spirit that I didn't know if I could ever pull out of it. It

has affected every aspect of my life, with fear, devastation and grief.

As far as forgiveness goes, it is not, nor has it ever been, for me an

issue of loving or forgiving her. One is not asked to forgive the color

blue, or the wind for blowing.

I accepted her for what she was and is.

She is my Mother, my first love.

She is inconsistent. She lies. She hurts me, as often as she strokes me,

and her touch brings me fear, although I long for her touch. Thus . . .

The person whom I must forgive is myself. I colluded against myself. I

betrayed myself, and although I did it in order to *preserve* myself, it

was still a deep and crippling wound that has handicapped me the duration

of my existence,

I will not get within arms reach, except under emergency conditions, and

then with absolute, eyes - wide - open clarity of mind, and will then not

let my guard down, and understand, that even with this knowledge, I will be

hurt.

With that in mind, I will also make sure I have enough resources to keep

myself safe, get myself home, contact my husband, and ease my heart and

mind.

( These precautions are now moot, since we are NC.)

And, I also know that while I am the canopic container for her rage,

disdain, and projections, that it it truly nothing personal.

I am handy, I am her daughter, I am the **person who knows the truth,

and thus, must be discredited and destroyed. She will ruin me, if she can,

and then have her feelings hurt because I can't get up from the floor and

stop sulking.

I will never be alone with her again.

I think, that if I had to sum up the condition of BPD/NPD in one word,

it would be " Perverse. "

They do things, and expect outcomes that simply do not follow sequence,

or logic, and yet are enraged and pathologically dissapointed when they do

not experience the outcome they had desired.

I swear, she would cut of her nose to spite her face, and then blame the

mirror! Or the toaster. Or maybe the rain, who knows . . . . .

Again, many thanks for the validation,

Warm Regards, Sunspot

On Thu, Apr 19, 2012 at 12:05 PM, Millicent Kunstler <

millicentkunstler@...> wrote:

> Spot on Sunspot!

>

> On Thu, Apr 19, 2012 at 11:53 AM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...

> >wrote:

>

> > **

> > right

> >

> > Really well-put, Sunspot. I agree with your post entirely, because I

> > experienced eerily similar behaviors from my own nada. Its uncanny how

> > similar.

> >

> > And your account reinforces my opinion that such individuals are way too

> > mentally ill to be raising children. The deliberate covertness of the

> abuse

> > says it all. To me, that puts it in the same category as pedophilia, in

> > that the behaviors are obviously severely abusive and are carefully

> planned

> > to be covert.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

> >

> >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > So after no phone call on Easter and nothing yesterday, nada

> > calls

> > > > > > today and chats like everything is just normal and so do I. Maybe

> > it

> > > > is,

> > > > > > I don't even know anymore.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Basically the only choice I have in this family situation is to

> > > > > > pretend, pretend, pretend. I feel so isolated. Counselling had

> > limits

> > > > > > and I live too far from things to continue. I have no siblings to

> > vent

> > > > > > to, most of the relatives have abandoned me because I talk to

> her,

> > and

> > > > I

> > > > > > have very few friends where we live. I can't even post a

> frustrated

> > > > > > comment on facebook because the relatives on there will go

> > straight to

> > > > > > her. I'm hesitant to post on here even though I have selected a

> > generic

> > > > > > name.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > How long can I keep pretending? How long can I keep this up?

> > > > > > Pretending everything is wonderful and normal and it's just not.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > PC

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for the validation, Annie and Millicent!

I have struggled for years trying to put this whole ugly, unsavory mess

o' worms into some context that made sense, and finally came to the

conclusion that I couldn't, due to the fact that it truly is a system of

" dis-reality. "

Once I quit trying to make *sense* of it, and justifying her behavior,

but instead began to chronicle what *actually* happened, ( just the facts,

please - thank God for DH ) I found a better grasp of the whole nasty

mess.

I have, so often, been admonished to be patient, be kind, pray for her,

get my own therapy, be understanding because she loooooooves me so much,

and worst of all, to* forgive*, or have been sucked back in, and

parentified, by her crocodile tears and vulnerability, or dissociative -

states - of - convenience, that I felt such a mind numbing despair and

sickness of spirit that I didn't know if I could ever pull out of it. It

has affected every aspect of my life, with fear, devastation and grief.

As far as forgiveness goes, it is not, nor has it ever been, for me an

issue of loving or forgiving her. One is not asked to forgive the color

blue, or the wind for blowing.

I accepted her for what she was and is.

She is my Mother, my first love.

She is inconsistent. She lies. She hurts me, as often as she strokes me,

and her touch brings me fear, although I long for her touch. Thus . . .

The person whom I must forgive is myself. I colluded against myself. I

betrayed myself, and although I did it in order to *preserve* myself, it

was still a deep and crippling wound that has handicapped me the duration

of my existence,

I will not get within arms reach, except under emergency conditions, and

then with absolute, eyes - wide - open clarity of mind, and will then not

let my guard down, and understand, that even with this knowledge, I will be

hurt.

With that in mind, I will also make sure I have enough resources to keep

myself safe, get myself home, contact my husband, and ease my heart and

mind.

( These precautions are now moot, since we are NC.)

And, I also know that while I am the canopic container for her rage,

disdain, and projections, that it it truly nothing personal.

I am handy, I am her daughter, I am the **person who knows the truth,

and thus, must be discredited and destroyed. She will ruin me, if she can,

and then have her feelings hurt because I can't get up from the floor and

stop sulking.

I will never be alone with her again.

I think, that if I had to sum up the condition of BPD/NPD in one word,

it would be " Perverse. "

They do things, and expect outcomes that simply do not follow sequence,

or logic, and yet are enraged and pathologically dissapointed when they do

not experience the outcome they had desired.

I swear, she would cut of her nose to spite her face, and then blame the

mirror! Or the toaster. Or maybe the rain, who knows . . . . .

Again, many thanks for the validation,

Warm Regards, Sunspot

On Thu, Apr 19, 2012 at 12:05 PM, Millicent Kunstler <

millicentkunstler@...> wrote:

> Spot on Sunspot!

>

> On Thu, Apr 19, 2012 at 11:53 AM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...

> >wrote:

>

> > **

> > right

> >

> > Really well-put, Sunspot. I agree with your post entirely, because I

> > experienced eerily similar behaviors from my own nada. Its uncanny how

> > similar.

> >

> > And your account reinforces my opinion that such individuals are way too

> > mentally ill to be raising children. The deliberate covertness of the

> abuse

> > says it all. To me, that puts it in the same category as pedophilia, in

> > that the behaviors are obviously severely abusive and are carefully

> planned

> > to be covert.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

> >

> >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > So after no phone call on Easter and nothing yesterday, nada

> > calls

> > > > > > today and chats like everything is just normal and so do I. Maybe

> > it

> > > > is,

> > > > > > I don't even know anymore.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Basically the only choice I have in this family situation is to

> > > > > > pretend, pretend, pretend. I feel so isolated. Counselling had

> > limits

> > > > > > and I live too far from things to continue. I have no siblings to

> > vent

> > > > > > to, most of the relatives have abandoned me because I talk to

> her,

> > and

> > > > I

> > > > > > have very few friends where we live. I can't even post a

> frustrated

> > > > > > comment on facebook because the relatives on there will go

> > straight to

> > > > > > her. I'm hesitant to post on here even though I have selected a

> > generic

> > > > > > name.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > How long can I keep pretending? How long can I keep this up?

> > > > > > Pretending everything is wonderful and normal and it's just not.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > PC

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Well, I know that I have been reading posts from you, Annie, VegDeanna, and

quite a few others for years now. I've been coming here for at least 4 and a

half years. I have yet to ever find another place that people truly get and

accept the complexity of having a nada. Even people that have witnessed an

isolated episode will forget or start to " minimize " her behaviors. Only others

that have been thru this can accept that your stories are not only true, but far

from isolated occurences. Even those that believe you have this deep seated

resistance to wanting to hear about it. It makes them uncomfortable and that

makes them want to avoid you for fear of hearing something that they don't

really want to know. It is one of the great mysteries to me that most people

would rather appease the a$$hole than validate, much less defend, the victim.

C

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > So after no phone call on Easter and nothing yesterday,

> > nada

> > > > > calls

> > > > > > > > > today and chats like everything is just normal and so do I.

> > Maybe

> > > > > it

> > > > > > > is,

> > > > > > > > > I don't even know anymore.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Basically the only choice I have in this family situation

> > is to

> > > > > > > > > pretend, pretend, pretend. I feel so isolated. Counselling

> > had

> > > > > limits

> > > > > > > > > and I live too far from things to continue. I have no

> > siblings to

> > > > > vent

> > > > > > > > > to, most of the relatives have abandoned me because I talk to

> > > > her,

> > > > > and

> > > > > > > I

> > > > > > > > > have very few friends where we live. I can't even post a

> > > > frustrated

> > > > > > > > > comment on facebook because the relatives on there will go

> > > > > straight to

> > > > > > > > > her. I'm hesitant to post on here even though I have

> > selected a

> > > > > generic

> > > > > > > > > name.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > How long can I keep pretending? How long can I keep this

> > up?

> > > > > > > > > Pretending everything is wonderful and normal and it's just

> > not.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > PC

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >