Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 I have been doing tons of medical treatment these days. I go to physical therapy (for a condition that is very advanced due to Nada neglect, and likely the condition was caused by Nada both directly and indirectly) once a week. I spend 1.5-2 hrs. every day doing all that comes with that. I am also in therapy for PTSD. and I am tired. it is really hard for me right now. I feel like all I do is complain. I feel like I will loose all of my friends becasue all I do is talk about how mean people used to be to me. I spent years trying to be part of my family by pretending. just like a recent post described. and so many things I buried and even questioned the reality of because of being dismissed so much. I am hurt, Mad, and sick of feeling like I have to convince myself that it really happened, and that it is ok to have the feelings. I want to go out with people I am close to without talking about it all, but I can't seem to stop. Nada lives over 2,000 miles away. I am safe. I only talk to her by e-mail. I have resolved to no longer read her letters. I can't handle them right now. all denial, and no personal responsibility, and disapproval of me disguised as " you don't need to be ashamed of the following... " I have a sister who I strongly suspect of being the flying monkey informant for me right now. and she guilts me that we live too far away. I want a relationship with her, but I can't take much criticism with regards to the FOO right now. but they still helicopter in my mind. I want to have something else to think about, and talk about. Meikjn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 Meikjn, Oh my, I could have written this post. With the exception of the chronic condition, that is. I feel like I am better after a few years of being mostly away from my nada. Like, I don't have to talk about it nonstop now, but I guess that's because I payed a therapist to listen to me until I was so sick of hearing myself talk about it. So I cut way back on therapy, but I still can't stop obsessing about the things people are saying about me (like, that I am selfish for not supporting my mother). I wish I had an answer for you. Lately, I am feeling as if this looping thing is like a pattern worn in my brain, a deep rut. Your brain really does have patterns that it gets in with the neurons that it keeps firing. Treatment for PTSD should help with that. I have had EMDR. I feel like it made it better, but I still go into a tailspin every time someone suggests to me that I am a selfish, naughty little girl. I too, want so bad for it to stop, and I too am so very tired. I think the people on this board are trying so hard to work through the emotions without turning to alcohol, drugs, gambling or any other number of things (the things my brother uses). I think we are on the right path to walk through the pain instead of around it, but sometimes it just hurts so much. I try to respect that my brother is dealing the best way he knows, but it seems nobody respects that I am trying to deal the best way that I know. I've started volunteering at a domestic violence shelter in childcare. I am not that comfortable with children, but I want to be. When I leave there after 2 hours it always occurs to me that I *did not think about my problems at all* while I was there. It is a nice break. I'm not saying you have to do something altruistic. It can be anything. Dance lessons, yoga, Zumba class, art class, pottery. If you can find something to give your brain a break, something you can get lost in, that could be a nice help. Going to an animal shelter and cleaning cages and playing with the dogs or cats. I just want you to know that I so so so understand where you are. And it is so hard. Deanna > > I have been doing tons of medical treatment these days. I go to physical therapy (for a condition that is very advanced due to Nada neglect, and likely the condition was caused by Nada both directly and indirectly) once a week. > > I spend 1.5-2 hrs. every day doing all that comes with that. > > I am also in therapy for PTSD. > > and I am tired. > > it is really hard for me right now. I feel like all I do is complain. I feel like I will loose all of my friends becasue all I do is talk about how mean people used to be to me. > > I spent years trying to be part of my family by pretending. just like a recent post described. and so many things I buried and even questioned the reality of because of being dismissed so much. > > I am hurt, Mad, and sick of feeling like I have to convince myself that it really happened, and that it is ok to have the feelings. > > I want to go out with people I am close to without talking about it all, but I can't seem to stop. > > Nada lives over 2,000 miles away. I am safe. I only talk to her by e-mail. I have resolved to no longer read her letters. I can't handle them right now. all denial, and no personal responsibility, and disapproval of me disguised as " you don't need to be ashamed of the following... " > > I have a sister who I strongly suspect of being the flying monkey informant for me right now. and she guilts me that we live too far away. I want a relationship with her, but I can't take much criticism with regards to the FOO right now. > > but they still helicopter in my mind. > > I want to have something else to think about, and talk about. > > Meikjn > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 Meikjn, Oh my, I could have written this post. With the exception of the chronic condition, that is. I feel like I am better after a few years of being mostly away from my nada. Like, I don't have to talk about it nonstop now, but I guess that's because I payed a therapist to listen to me until I was so sick of hearing myself talk about it. So I cut way back on therapy, but I still can't stop obsessing about the things people are saying about me (like, that I am selfish for not supporting my mother). I wish I had an answer for you. Lately, I am feeling as if this looping thing is like a pattern worn in my brain, a deep rut. Your brain really does have patterns that it gets in with the neurons that it keeps firing. Treatment for PTSD should help with that. I have had EMDR. I feel like it made it better, but I still go into a tailspin every time someone suggests to me that I am a selfish, naughty little girl. I too, want so bad for it to stop, and I too am so very tired. I think the people on this board are trying so hard to work through the emotions without turning to alcohol, drugs, gambling or any other number of things (the things my brother uses). I think we are on the right path to walk through the pain instead of around it, but sometimes it just hurts so much. I try to respect that my brother is dealing the best way he knows, but it seems nobody respects that I am trying to deal the best way that I know. I've started volunteering at a domestic violence shelter in childcare. I am not that comfortable with children, but I want to be. When I leave there after 2 hours it always occurs to me that I *did not think about my problems at all* while I was there. It is a nice break. I'm not saying you have to do something altruistic. It can be anything. Dance lessons, yoga, Zumba class, art class, pottery. If you can find something to give your brain a break, something you can get lost in, that could be a nice help. Going to an animal shelter and cleaning cages and playing with the dogs or cats. I just want you to know that I so so so understand where you are. And it is so hard. Deanna > > I have been doing tons of medical treatment these days. I go to physical therapy (for a condition that is very advanced due to Nada neglect, and likely the condition was caused by Nada both directly and indirectly) once a week. > > I spend 1.5-2 hrs. every day doing all that comes with that. > > I am also in therapy for PTSD. > > and I am tired. > > it is really hard for me right now. I feel like all I do is complain. I feel like I will loose all of my friends becasue all I do is talk about how mean people used to be to me. > > I spent years trying to be part of my family by pretending. just like a recent post described. and so many things I buried and even questioned the reality of because of being dismissed so much. > > I am hurt, Mad, and sick of feeling like I have to convince myself that it really happened, and that it is ok to have the feelings. > > I want to go out with people I am close to without talking about it all, but I can't seem to stop. > > Nada lives over 2,000 miles away. I am safe. I only talk to her by e-mail. I have resolved to no longer read her letters. I can't handle them right now. all denial, and no personal responsibility, and disapproval of me disguised as " you don't need to be ashamed of the following... " > > I have a sister who I strongly suspect of being the flying monkey informant for me right now. and she guilts me that we live too far away. I want a relationship with her, but I can't take much criticism with regards to the FOO right now. > > but they still helicopter in my mind. > > I want to have something else to think about, and talk about. > > Meikjn > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2012 Report Share Posted April 19, 2012 Meikjn, Oh my, I could have written this post. With the exception of the chronic condition, that is. I feel like I am better after a few years of being mostly away from my nada. Like, I don't have to talk about it nonstop now, but I guess that's because I payed a therapist to listen to me until I was so sick of hearing myself talk about it. So I cut way back on therapy, but I still can't stop obsessing about the things people are saying about me (like, that I am selfish for not supporting my mother). I wish I had an answer for you. Lately, I am feeling as if this looping thing is like a pattern worn in my brain, a deep rut. Your brain really does have patterns that it gets in with the neurons that it keeps firing. Treatment for PTSD should help with that. I have had EMDR. I feel like it made it better, but I still go into a tailspin every time someone suggests to me that I am a selfish, naughty little girl. I too, want so bad for it to stop, and I too am so very tired. I think the people on this board are trying so hard to work through the emotions without turning to alcohol, drugs, gambling or any other number of things (the things my brother uses). I think we are on the right path to walk through the pain instead of around it, but sometimes it just hurts so much. I try to respect that my brother is dealing the best way he knows, but it seems nobody respects that I am trying to deal the best way that I know. I've started volunteering at a domestic violence shelter in childcare. I am not that comfortable with children, but I want to be. When I leave there after 2 hours it always occurs to me that I *did not think about my problems at all* while I was there. It is a nice break. I'm not saying you have to do something altruistic. It can be anything. Dance lessons, yoga, Zumba class, art class, pottery. If you can find something to give your brain a break, something you can get lost in, that could be a nice help. Going to an animal shelter and cleaning cages and playing with the dogs or cats. I just want you to know that I so so so understand where you are. And it is so hard. Deanna > > I have been doing tons of medical treatment these days. I go to physical therapy (for a condition that is very advanced due to Nada neglect, and likely the condition was caused by Nada both directly and indirectly) once a week. > > I spend 1.5-2 hrs. every day doing all that comes with that. > > I am also in therapy for PTSD. > > and I am tired. > > it is really hard for me right now. I feel like all I do is complain. I feel like I will loose all of my friends becasue all I do is talk about how mean people used to be to me. > > I spent years trying to be part of my family by pretending. just like a recent post described. and so many things I buried and even questioned the reality of because of being dismissed so much. > > I am hurt, Mad, and sick of feeling like I have to convince myself that it really happened, and that it is ok to have the feelings. > > I want to go out with people I am close to without talking about it all, but I can't seem to stop. > > Nada lives over 2,000 miles away. I am safe. I only talk to her by e-mail. I have resolved to no longer read her letters. I can't handle them right now. all denial, and no personal responsibility, and disapproval of me disguised as " you don't need to be ashamed of the following... " > > I have a sister who I strongly suspect of being the flying monkey informant for me right now. and she guilts me that we live too far away. I want a relationship with her, but I can't take much criticism with regards to the FOO right now. > > but they still helicopter in my mind. > > I want to have something else to think about, and talk about. > > Meikjn > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.