Parents always do the best they can

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

Five years ago I cut way back on contact with my uBPD mother. I did my best to

not pull other family members into it, and my mother did her best to tell

everyone what a piece of crap I am. I know this was/is the best way she knew

how to handle the situation. I am constantly amazed that my relationship with

my oldest niece has survived it.

My SIL and I had a talk last night to clear the air and she told me she thought

I was selfish for not comforting my mother when my father was suffering from

alzheimers. How do I explain to a person that I don't have it in me to

" comfort " someone who I don't love? Just being around her now gives me the

runs, and I have to be take a double dose of Xanax. That is such crap that

people always say, " Parents always do the best they can " but as an adult, I am

constantly being judged for not fulfilling whatever they think my familial

duties are.

My SIL accused me of holding onto things (which is a problem for me) and when I

told her I just don't trust her since she betrayed me 4 years ago, she said she

was " fuzzy on the details " of that. Turns out she was fuzzy on a lot of things,

even things that happened in the last 2 years. Then I realized: drinking,

smoking pot daily, and snorting cocaine for 25 years have impaired her memory.

She says, " I just don't hold onto things " but really, she has impaired her

memory so much she can't remember things if she even tried. And that is how she

copes, apparently. So I try to understand that. But she doesn't try to

understand me.

*sigh*

The only people in my life who I hold onto stuff with is my family, and I

realized this is why: when I say " hey stop doing that " " hey that hurts my

feelings " " please don't talk to me like that " to either my mother or my

brother, they just ignore it. They never apologize and they never stop what

they are doing. Sometimes it might morph. Like my brother finally stopped

calling me fat (to my face) but then he started sending me emails telling me I

am garbage.

The reason I hold onto stuff with my family is that it *never changes.* I am

trying my best to change with therapy, EMDR, NSA, reiki, acupuncture. Tens of

thousands of dollars of trying. I am more aware of how I talk to people and I

always try to be kind and non-confrontational. but this crap with my family

NEVER CHANGES. " You're still mad, Deanna. What is your problem? " Well, I'm

still mad because you never said you were sorry and you KEEP DOING IT TO ME.

I don't want to be a victim, but I feel like one. From now on, I will CALL

people on it. Any slight insult from my brother, and I will call him on it.

Immediately. This is such a terrible pattern for me. I think it's a big part

of why I stay angry, because nothing ever resolves or changes. I can only

change so much you know, at some point my family has to do some changing too!

I want to stop the constant dialogue in my head where I justify that it is OK to

stay away from someone who damages me psychologically, that I have a right to

protect myself, that I am a kind and decent person, and that I am capable of

love and that not everyone thinks I am a selfish asshole.

I think you guys are the only ones who could relate to this. Have any of you

been able to get over your feelings of guilt and how were you able to do that?

Thanks for listening.

Deanna

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I've always thought that " parents did the best they could " was a huge

cop-out to get out of not only apologizing, but doing better/differently in the

here and now. I've done things wrong with my son and I have done my very best to

change it as soon as I realize. I am sure there will be things that I didn't

realize that hurt him that I will be informed of in the future, but I am not

going to do like my nada and either deny or lie about it. Her new favorite line

is that she " just rejects the idea that I was ever such a bad mother that I

deserve for my only son not to talk to me " My brother has been NC with her for

over three years.

I feel your pain. I just have decided to tell anyone that has the nerve to try

to judge my relationship with my nada on HER word alone, that they only know

what nada said and that there are two sides to every experience and that they

can take their judgements and shove them! For nada's church " family " I tell

them that God and I have talked about this at length and we are fine with it and

they should talk to Him about their judgements but not me!

C

>

> Hi all,

>

> Five years ago I cut way back on contact with my uBPD mother. I did my best

to not pull other family members into it, and my mother did her best to tell

everyone what a piece of crap I am. I know this was/is the best way she knew

how to handle the situation. I am constantly amazed that my relationship with

my oldest niece has survived it.

>

> My SIL and I had a talk last night to clear the air and she told me she

thought I was selfish for not comforting my mother when my father was suffering

from alzheimers. How do I explain to a person that I don't have it in me to

" comfort " someone who I don't love? Just being around her now gives me the

runs, and I have to be take a double dose of Xanax. That is such crap that

people always say, " Parents always do the best they can " but as an adult, I am

constantly being judged for not fulfilling whatever they think my familial

duties are.

>

> My SIL accused me of holding onto things (which is a problem for me) and when

I told her I just don't trust her since she betrayed me 4 years ago, she said

she was " fuzzy on the details " of that. Turns out she was fuzzy on a lot of

things, even things that happened in the last 2 years. Then I realized:

drinking, smoking pot daily, and snorting cocaine for 25 years have impaired her

memory. She says, " I just don't hold onto things " but really, she has impaired

her memory so much she can't remember things if she even tried. And that is how

she copes, apparently. So I try to understand that. But she doesn't try to

understand me.

>

> *sigh*

>

> The only people in my life who I hold onto stuff with is my family, and I

realized this is why: when I say " hey stop doing that " " hey that hurts my

feelings " " please don't talk to me like that " to either my mother or my

brother, they just ignore it. They never apologize and they never stop what

they are doing. Sometimes it might morph. Like my brother finally stopped

calling me fat (to my face) but then he started sending me emails telling me I

am garbage.

>

> The reason I hold onto stuff with my family is that it *never changes.* I am

trying my best to change with therapy, EMDR, NSA, reiki, acupuncture. Tens of

thousands of dollars of trying. I am more aware of how I talk to people and I

always try to be kind and non-confrontational. but this crap with my family

NEVER CHANGES. " You're still mad, Deanna. What is your problem? " Well, I'm

still mad because you never said you were sorry and you KEEP DOING IT TO ME.

>

> I don't want to be a victim, but I feel like one. From now on, I will CALL

people on it. Any slight insult from my brother, and I will call him on it.

Immediately. This is such a terrible pattern for me. I think it's a big part

of why I stay angry, because nothing ever resolves or changes. I can only

change so much you know, at some point my family has to do some changing too!

>

> I want to stop the constant dialogue in my head where I justify that it is OK

to stay away from someone who damages me psychologically, that I have a right to

protect myself, that I am a kind and decent person, and that I am capable of

love and that not everyone thinks I am a selfish asshole.

>

> I think you guys are the only ones who could relate to this. Have any of you

been able to get over your feelings of guilt and how were you able to do that?

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I really hate that cop-out too. What kills me is that certainly there are

things in life that you have a finite amount of time to accomplish, and then you

can say " I did the best I can " but when you are talking about an ongoing

relationship, and about raising and caring for another person, just because it's

the " best you can do " doesn't mean it's good enough. And what I hate is that

people expect you to say " well, if it's the best you can do, then I guess it's

good enough. "

Here's my analogy: say a pregnant woman does cocaine every other day. And when

you confront her she says " well, before I got pregnant, I did it every day, so

I've cut down and this is the best I can do. " Do you then say " oh, okay, well,

at least you're trying? " No! Somethings in life are not about how hard you try.

If you cannot perform them to a certain level, you shouldn't be doing them.

Driving, parenting, brain surgery...

I mean, geez, do we say " oh, that's okay " when a drunk driver kills someone and

says, " Well, I was driving as best as I could while I was drunk. " ?

Parents don't always do the best they can. And frequently I find that people say

that to defend themselves when they HAVEN'T done their best and know it. They

know that something else was more important to them and instead of giving their

all to something that should have been their number 1 priority they let it

slide. Then they say that was their best. If your best means you're fucking up a

child's brain and life, then it's not good enough and you shouldn't be a parent.

Period.

> >

> > Hi all,

> >

> > Five years ago I cut way back on contact with my uBPD mother. I did my best

to not pull other family members into it, and my mother did her best to tell

everyone what a piece of crap I am. I know this was/is the best way she knew

how to handle the situation. I am constantly amazed that my relationship with

my oldest niece has survived it.

> >

> > My SIL and I had a talk last night to clear the air and she told me she

thought I was selfish for not comforting my mother when my father was suffering

from alzheimers. How do I explain to a person that I don't have it in me to

" comfort " someone who I don't love? Just being around her now gives me the

runs, and I have to be take a double dose of Xanax. That is such crap that

people always say, " Parents always do the best they can " but as an adult, I am

constantly being judged for not fulfilling whatever they think my familial

duties are.

> >

> > My SIL accused me of holding onto things (which is a problem for me) and

when I told her I just don't trust her since she betrayed me 4 years ago, she

said she was " fuzzy on the details " of that. Turns out she was fuzzy on a lot

of things, even things that happened in the last 2 years. Then I realized:

drinking, smoking pot daily, and snorting cocaine for 25 years have impaired her

memory. She says, " I just don't hold onto things " but really, she has impaired

her memory so much she can't remember things if she even tried. And that is how

she copes, apparently. So I try to understand that. But she doesn't try to

understand me.

> >

> > *sigh*

> >

> > The only people in my life who I hold onto stuff with is my family, and I

realized this is why: when I say " hey stop doing that " " hey that hurts my

feelings " " please don't talk to me like that " to either my mother or my

brother, they just ignore it. They never apologize and they never stop what

they are doing. Sometimes it might morph. Like my brother finally stopped

calling me fat (to my face) but then he started sending me emails telling me I

am garbage.

> >

> > The reason I hold onto stuff with my family is that it *never changes.* I

am trying my best to change with therapy, EMDR, NSA, reiki, acupuncture. Tens

of thousands of dollars of trying. I am more aware of how I talk to people and

I always try to be kind and non-confrontational. but this crap with my family

NEVER CHANGES. " You're still mad, Deanna. What is your problem? " Well, I'm

still mad because you never said you were sorry and you KEEP DOING IT TO ME.

> >

> > I don't want to be a victim, but I feel like one. From now on, I will CALL

people on it. Any slight insult from my brother, and I will call him on it.

Immediately. This is such a terrible pattern for me. I think it's a big part

of why I stay angry, because nothing ever resolves or changes. I can only

change so much you know, at some point my family has to do some changing too!

> >

> > I want to stop the constant dialogue in my head where I justify that it is

OK to stay away from someone who damages me psychologically, that I have a right

to protect myself, that I am a kind and decent person, and that I am capable of

love and that not everyone thinks I am a selfish asshole.

> >

> > I think you guys are the only ones who could relate to this. Have any of

you been able to get over your feelings of guilt and how were you able to do

that?

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

> > Deanna

> >

>

[Guest guest]

it's a generic cop out line that puts the responsibility back on the victim.

Sure, sometimes its 95% true, they did the best considering their personal

limitations (and I bet those parents are not PDs).

IF my mother had gotten professional help, IF my mother had seeked out community

for her children instead of isolating us, IF my mother had taken on even half of

the blame she threw out at everyone else. THAT would have been trying, and then

I could say " she did the best she could. " But all those avenues went unexplored,

so in my mind she DID NOT put in even 50%.

>

> Hi all,

>

> Five years ago I cut way back on contact with my uBPD mother. I did my best

to not pull other family members into it, and my mother did her best to tell

everyone what a piece of crap I am. I know this was/is the best way she knew

how to handle the situation. I am constantly amazed that my relationship with

my oldest niece has survived it.

>

> My SIL and I had a talk last night to clear the air and she told me she

thought I was selfish for not comforting my mother when my father was suffering

from alzheimers. How do I explain to a person that I don't have it in me to

" comfort " someone who I don't love? Just being around her now gives me the

runs, and I have to be take a double dose of Xanax. That is such crap that

people always say, " Parents always do the best they can " but as an adult, I am

constantly being judged for not fulfilling whatever they think my familial

duties are.

>

> My SIL accused me of holding onto things (which is a problem for me) and when

I told her I just don't trust her since she betrayed me 4 years ago, she said

she was " fuzzy on the details " of that. Turns out she was fuzzy on a lot of

things, even things that happened in the last 2 years. Then I realized:

drinking, smoking pot daily, and snorting cocaine for 25 years have impaired her

memory. She says, " I just don't hold onto things " but really, she has impaired

her memory so much she can't remember things if she even tried. And that is how

she copes, apparently. So I try to understand that. But she doesn't try to

understand me.

>

> *sigh*

>

> The only people in my life who I hold onto stuff with is my family, and I

realized this is why: when I say " hey stop doing that " " hey that hurts my

feelings " " please don't talk to me like that " to either my mother or my

brother, they just ignore it. They never apologize and they never stop what

they are doing. Sometimes it might morph. Like my brother finally stopped

calling me fat (to my face) but then he started sending me emails telling me I

am garbage.

>

> The reason I hold onto stuff with my family is that it *never changes.* I am

trying my best to change with therapy, EMDR, NSA, reiki, acupuncture. Tens of

thousands of dollars of trying. I am more aware of how I talk to people and I

always try to be kind and non-confrontational. but this crap with my family

NEVER CHANGES. " You're still mad, Deanna. What is your problem? " Well, I'm

still mad because you never said you were sorry and you KEEP DOING IT TO ME.

>

> I don't want to be a victim, but I feel like one. From now on, I will CALL

people on it. Any slight insult from my brother, and I will call him on it.

Immediately. This is such a terrible pattern for me. I think it's a big part

of why I stay angry, because nothing ever resolves or changes. I can only

change so much you know, at some point my family has to do some changing too!

>

> I want to stop the constant dialogue in my head where I justify that it is OK

to stay away from someone who damages me psychologically, that I have a right to

protect myself, that I am a kind and decent person, and that I am capable of

love and that not everyone thinks I am a selfish asshole.

>

> I think you guys are the only ones who could relate to this. Have any of you

been able to get over your feelings of guilt and how were you able to do that?

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

it's a generic cop out line that puts the responsibility back on the victim.

Sure, sometimes its 95% true, they did the best considering their personal

limitations (and I bet those parents are not PDs).

IF my mother had gotten professional help, IF my mother had seeked out community

for her children instead of isolating us, IF my mother had taken on even half of

the blame she threw out at everyone else. THAT would have been trying, and then

I could say " she did the best she could. " But all those avenues went unexplored,

so in my mind she DID NOT put in even 50%.

>

> Hi all,

>

> Five years ago I cut way back on contact with my uBPD mother. I did my best

to not pull other family members into it, and my mother did her best to tell

everyone what a piece of crap I am. I know this was/is the best way she knew

how to handle the situation. I am constantly amazed that my relationship with

my oldest niece has survived it.

>

> My SIL and I had a talk last night to clear the air and she told me she

thought I was selfish for not comforting my mother when my father was suffering

from alzheimers. How do I explain to a person that I don't have it in me to

" comfort " someone who I don't love? Just being around her now gives me the

runs, and I have to be take a double dose of Xanax. That is such crap that

people always say, " Parents always do the best they can " but as an adult, I am

constantly being judged for not fulfilling whatever they think my familial

duties are.

>

> My SIL accused me of holding onto things (which is a problem for me) and when

I told her I just don't trust her since she betrayed me 4 years ago, she said

she was " fuzzy on the details " of that. Turns out she was fuzzy on a lot of

things, even things that happened in the last 2 years. Then I realized:

drinking, smoking pot daily, and snorting cocaine for 25 years have impaired her

memory. She says, " I just don't hold onto things " but really, she has impaired

her memory so much she can't remember things if she even tried. And that is how

she copes, apparently. So I try to understand that. But she doesn't try to

understand me.

>

> *sigh*

>

> The only people in my life who I hold onto stuff with is my family, and I

realized this is why: when I say " hey stop doing that " " hey that hurts my

feelings " " please don't talk to me like that " to either my mother or my

brother, they just ignore it. They never apologize and they never stop what

they are doing. Sometimes it might morph. Like my brother finally stopped

calling me fat (to my face) but then he started sending me emails telling me I

am garbage.

>

> The reason I hold onto stuff with my family is that it *never changes.* I am

trying my best to change with therapy, EMDR, NSA, reiki, acupuncture. Tens of

thousands of dollars of trying. I am more aware of how I talk to people and I

always try to be kind and non-confrontational. but this crap with my family

NEVER CHANGES. " You're still mad, Deanna. What is your problem? " Well, I'm

still mad because you never said you were sorry and you KEEP DOING IT TO ME.

>

> I don't want to be a victim, but I feel like one. From now on, I will CALL

people on it. Any slight insult from my brother, and I will call him on it.

Immediately. This is such a terrible pattern for me. I think it's a big part

of why I stay angry, because nothing ever resolves or changes. I can only

change so much you know, at some point my family has to do some changing too!

>

> I want to stop the constant dialogue in my head where I justify that it is OK

to stay away from someone who damages me psychologically, that I have a right to

protect myself, that I am a kind and decent person, and that I am capable of

love and that not everyone thinks I am a selfish asshole.

>

> I think you guys are the only ones who could relate to this. Have any of you

been able to get over your feelings of guilt and how were you able to do that?

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

it's a generic cop out line that puts the responsibility back on the victim.

Sure, sometimes its 95% true, they did the best considering their personal

limitations (and I bet those parents are not PDs).

IF my mother had gotten professional help, IF my mother had seeked out community

for her children instead of isolating us, IF my mother had taken on even half of

the blame she threw out at everyone else. THAT would have been trying, and then

I could say " she did the best she could. " But all those avenues went unexplored,

so in my mind she DID NOT put in even 50%.

>

> Hi all,

>

> Five years ago I cut way back on contact with my uBPD mother. I did my best

to not pull other family members into it, and my mother did her best to tell

everyone what a piece of crap I am. I know this was/is the best way she knew

how to handle the situation. I am constantly amazed that my relationship with

my oldest niece has survived it.

>

> My SIL and I had a talk last night to clear the air and she told me she

thought I was selfish for not comforting my mother when my father was suffering

from alzheimers. How do I explain to a person that I don't have it in me to

" comfort " someone who I don't love? Just being around her now gives me the

runs, and I have to be take a double dose of Xanax. That is such crap that

people always say, " Parents always do the best they can " but as an adult, I am

constantly being judged for not fulfilling whatever they think my familial

duties are.

>

> My SIL accused me of holding onto things (which is a problem for me) and when

I told her I just don't trust her since she betrayed me 4 years ago, she said

she was " fuzzy on the details " of that. Turns out she was fuzzy on a lot of

things, even things that happened in the last 2 years. Then I realized:

drinking, smoking pot daily, and snorting cocaine for 25 years have impaired her

memory. She says, " I just don't hold onto things " but really, she has impaired

her memory so much she can't remember things if she even tried. And that is how

she copes, apparently. So I try to understand that. But she doesn't try to

understand me.

>

> *sigh*

>

> The only people in my life who I hold onto stuff with is my family, and I

realized this is why: when I say " hey stop doing that " " hey that hurts my

feelings " " please don't talk to me like that " to either my mother or my

brother, they just ignore it. They never apologize and they never stop what

they are doing. Sometimes it might morph. Like my brother finally stopped

calling me fat (to my face) but then he started sending me emails telling me I

am garbage.

>

> The reason I hold onto stuff with my family is that it *never changes.* I am

trying my best to change with therapy, EMDR, NSA, reiki, acupuncture. Tens of

thousands of dollars of trying. I am more aware of how I talk to people and I

always try to be kind and non-confrontational. but this crap with my family

NEVER CHANGES. " You're still mad, Deanna. What is your problem? " Well, I'm

still mad because you never said you were sorry and you KEEP DOING IT TO ME.

>

> I don't want to be a victim, but I feel like one. From now on, I will CALL

people on it. Any slight insult from my brother, and I will call him on it.

Immediately. This is such a terrible pattern for me. I think it's a big part

of why I stay angry, because nothing ever resolves or changes. I can only

change so much you know, at some point my family has to do some changing too!

>

> I want to stop the constant dialogue in my head where I justify that it is OK

to stay away from someone who damages me psychologically, that I have a right to

protect myself, that I am a kind and decent person, and that I am capable of

love and that not everyone thinks I am a selfish asshole.

>

> I think you guys are the only ones who could relate to this. Have any of you

been able to get over your feelings of guilt and how were you able to do that?

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. We have stopped cutting drunk drivers a break. No, its NOT OK to

drive drunk. We even have measurements to determine exactly how drunk an

individual is when they get caught, or have caused an accident. We don't use

that " Well, gee, he was driving the best that he *could* after three martinis "

excuse.

When we can catch them, we don't give child molesters a break anymore, either.

We plaster their ugly faces on the Internet and show exactly where they live,

now, so those with children can more easily protect their kids from these

predators.

What's wrong with requiring parenting classes so that prospective parents

receive at least some training and experience, and demonstrate that they

understand basic child care? Couples who wish to adopt have to go through a

screening and evaluation process, why can't this standard be applied equally to

bio-parents?

And somehow (and it never, ever ceases to astonish me) people are much quicker

to jump to their feet and engage in confrontation if a pet owner is observed

beating their little dog, yanking it around and making it scream in pain or

terror. Or if the little pet is observed being neglected, chained up in a yard,

never getting any socialization; neighbors get all hot and bothered about animal

abuse and neglect.

People feel compassion for little pets.

You have to have a license to have a dog.

-Annie

>

> >If your best means you're fucking up a child's brain and life, then it's not

good enough and you shouldn't be a parent. Period.

>

> Just awesome , that's the bottom line. My mother has used " the best

she could " excuse too...and it falls flat.