Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 ....Would she have for trying to look up my ex-fiance on Facebook? I " caught " her doing it. I needed to get on her computer for something, and there the search page was - staring me straight in the face. Although, apparently, she'd forgotten how to spell his last name. What IS this latest move? She's going to contact him and see if he will take me back? I'm married now, and he didn't want me 10 years ago when I was unattached because he was afraid I was going to turn into her (EVERYONE kept telling him, " Look at the mother if you want to see how the daughter will turn out. " Stupid people!). He always WAS afraid of her, poor guy. DH is not. :-) And he acknowledges that I am nothing like her. He's a much better match for me! Still, is she trying to find out all she can about him to prove how she thinks he " would've been so much better for me " - and drag up THAT hurt yet again? Like she continues to mention my dead baby (six years later) just to hurt me? Why do they derive so much pleasure from hurting others? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Alice, Nadas are nosy. She may feel entitled to the details of his life just because you were once involved with him. The idea that she wants to prove how he would have been better for you seems like a distinct possibility too. That's the kind of thing nadas do. They always know best. Also, she may really think he'd be interested in having a " friendship " with her, intending to rub that in your face or she may want to create drama in whatever fashion she can. After my sister stopped having contact with our mother, she started talking to and doing things with my sister's former best friend from high school. Why would a 65 year-old woman want to be friends with a 25 year-old girl that way? They had nothing in common. I figured that my mother wanted someone to complain about my sister to since they were no longer friends at that point and I think nada had to know that. Or maybe she was trying to steal pieces of my sister's life. As far as I know, it didn't last long. I assume the former best friend realized that something weird was going on and wasn't interested in participating. At 08:38 AM 04/20/2012 Alice Spiedon wrote: >...Would she have for trying to look up my ex-fiance on >Facebook? I " caught " her doing it. I needed to get on her >computer for something, and there the search page was - staring >me straight in the face. Although, apparently, she'd forgotten >how to spell his last name. > >What IS this latest move? She's going to contact him and see if >he will take me back? I'm married now, and he didn't want me 10 >years ago when I was unattached because he was afraid I was >going to turn into her (EVERYONE kept telling him, " Look at the >mother if you want to see how the daughter will turn out. " >Stupid people!). He always WAS afraid of her, poor guy. DH is >not. :-) And he acknowledges that I am nothing like her. He's a >much better match for me! > >Still, is she trying to find out all she can about him to prove >how she thinks he " would've been so much better for me " - and >drag up THAT hurt yet again? Like she continues to mention my >dead baby (six years later) just to hurt me? Why do they derive >so much pleasure from hurting others? > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Alice, Nadas are nosy. She may feel entitled to the details of his life just because you were once involved with him. The idea that she wants to prove how he would have been better for you seems like a distinct possibility too. That's the kind of thing nadas do. They always know best. Also, she may really think he'd be interested in having a " friendship " with her, intending to rub that in your face or she may want to create drama in whatever fashion she can. After my sister stopped having contact with our mother, she started talking to and doing things with my sister's former best friend from high school. Why would a 65 year-old woman want to be friends with a 25 year-old girl that way? They had nothing in common. I figured that my mother wanted someone to complain about my sister to since they were no longer friends at that point and I think nada had to know that. Or maybe she was trying to steal pieces of my sister's life. As far as I know, it didn't last long. I assume the former best friend realized that something weird was going on and wasn't interested in participating. At 08:38 AM 04/20/2012 Alice Spiedon wrote: >...Would she have for trying to look up my ex-fiance on >Facebook? I " caught " her doing it. I needed to get on her >computer for something, and there the search page was - staring >me straight in the face. Although, apparently, she'd forgotten >how to spell his last name. > >What IS this latest move? She's going to contact him and see if >he will take me back? I'm married now, and he didn't want me 10 >years ago when I was unattached because he was afraid I was >going to turn into her (EVERYONE kept telling him, " Look at the >mother if you want to see how the daughter will turn out. " >Stupid people!). He always WAS afraid of her, poor guy. DH is >not. :-) And he acknowledges that I am nothing like her. He's a >much better match for me! > >Still, is she trying to find out all she can about him to prove >how she thinks he " would've been so much better for me " - and >drag up THAT hurt yet again? Like she continues to mention my >dead baby (six years later) just to hurt me? Why do they derive >so much pleasure from hurting others? > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Nadas also seem to be stuck in the past. I don't know if it's part of their fantasy world that they create or what. My nada likes to bring up my boyfriends from over 20 years ago and talk about what would have happened if I had married them, etc. If they can't find real conflict, I think they like to imagine scenes from the past that would have involved huge stress and conflict. Fantasy conflict! PC > > ...Would she have for trying to look up my ex-fiance on Facebook? I " caught " her doing it. I needed to get on her computer for something, and there the search page was - staring me straight in the face. Although, apparently, she'd forgotten how to spell his last name. > > What IS this latest move? She's going to contact him and see if he will take me back? I'm married now, and he didn't want me 10 years ago when I was unattached because he was afraid I was going to turn into her (EVERYONE kept telling him, " Look at the mother if you want to see how the daughter will turn out. " Stupid people!). He always WAS afraid of her, poor guy. DH is not. :-) And he acknowledges that I am nothing like her. He's a much better match for me! > > Still, is she trying to find out all she can about him to prove how she thinks he " would've been so much better for me " - and drag up THAT hurt yet again? Like she continues to mention my dead baby (six years later) just to hurt me? Why do they derive so much pleasure from hurting others? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Nadas also seem to be stuck in the past. I don't know if it's part of their fantasy world that they create or what. My nada likes to bring up my boyfriends from over 20 years ago and talk about what would have happened if I had married them, etc. If they can't find real conflict, I think they like to imagine scenes from the past that would have involved huge stress and conflict. Fantasy conflict! PC > > ...Would she have for trying to look up my ex-fiance on Facebook? I " caught " her doing it. I needed to get on her computer for something, and there the search page was - staring me straight in the face. Although, apparently, she'd forgotten how to spell his last name. > > What IS this latest move? She's going to contact him and see if he will take me back? I'm married now, and he didn't want me 10 years ago when I was unattached because he was afraid I was going to turn into her (EVERYONE kept telling him, " Look at the mother if you want to see how the daughter will turn out. " Stupid people!). He always WAS afraid of her, poor guy. DH is not. :-) And he acknowledges that I am nothing like her. He's a much better match for me! > > Still, is she trying to find out all she can about him to prove how she thinks he " would've been so much better for me " - and drag up THAT hurt yet again? Like she continues to mention my dead baby (six years later) just to hurt me? Why do they derive so much pleasure from hurting others? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Whatever your nada's reasons are, they're probably unhealthy and obsessive. And I suggest that its unhealthy to focus on her disordered reasons for doing anything, mainly because you can't change her. You can't stop her from being crazy. Your only real power is to decide what you will do, yourself. Ruminating on what your nada might or might not do isn't very productive. She's mentally ill; she will do mean, crazy, hurtful things. My suggestion is that the more you can emotionally distance yourself from your nada, the more peaceful and joyful your life will be. As though your motto is " Who cares what the crazy people are thinking or doing? I don't! " But each of us has to figure out what works and what doesn't work for us, as an individual. That's what our journey is about. -Annie > > ...Would she have for trying to look up my ex-fiance on Facebook? I " caught " her doing it. I needed to get on her computer for something, and there the search page was - staring me straight in the face. Although, apparently, she'd forgotten how to spell his last name. > > What IS this latest move? She's going to contact him and see if he will take me back? I'm married now, and he didn't want me 10 years ago when I was unattached because he was afraid I was going to turn into her (EVERYONE kept telling him, " Look at the mother if you want to see how the daughter will turn out. " Stupid people!). He always WAS afraid of her, poor guy. DH is not. :-) And he acknowledges that I am nothing like her. He's a much better match for me! > > Still, is she trying to find out all she can about him to prove how she thinks he " would've been so much better for me " - and drag up THAT hurt yet again? Like she continues to mention my dead baby (six years later) just to hurt me? Why do they derive so much pleasure from hurting others? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Whatever your nada's reasons are, they're probably unhealthy and obsessive. And I suggest that its unhealthy to focus on her disordered reasons for doing anything, mainly because you can't change her. You can't stop her from being crazy. Your only real power is to decide what you will do, yourself. Ruminating on what your nada might or might not do isn't very productive. She's mentally ill; she will do mean, crazy, hurtful things. My suggestion is that the more you can emotionally distance yourself from your nada, the more peaceful and joyful your life will be. As though your motto is " Who cares what the crazy people are thinking or doing? I don't! " But each of us has to figure out what works and what doesn't work for us, as an individual. That's what our journey is about. -Annie > > ...Would she have for trying to look up my ex-fiance on Facebook? I " caught " her doing it. I needed to get on her computer for something, and there the search page was - staring me straight in the face. Although, apparently, she'd forgotten how to spell his last name. > > What IS this latest move? She's going to contact him and see if he will take me back? I'm married now, and he didn't want me 10 years ago when I was unattached because he was afraid I was going to turn into her (EVERYONE kept telling him, " Look at the mother if you want to see how the daughter will turn out. " Stupid people!). He always WAS afraid of her, poor guy. DH is not. :-) And he acknowledges that I am nothing like her. He's a much better match for me! > > Still, is she trying to find out all she can about him to prove how she thinks he " would've been so much better for me " - and drag up THAT hurt yet again? Like she continues to mention my dead baby (six years later) just to hurt me? Why do they derive so much pleasure from hurting others? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Whatever your nada's reasons are, they're probably unhealthy and obsessive. And I suggest that its unhealthy to focus on her disordered reasons for doing anything, mainly because you can't change her. You can't stop her from being crazy. Your only real power is to decide what you will do, yourself. Ruminating on what your nada might or might not do isn't very productive. She's mentally ill; she will do mean, crazy, hurtful things. My suggestion is that the more you can emotionally distance yourself from your nada, the more peaceful and joyful your life will be. As though your motto is " Who cares what the crazy people are thinking or doing? I don't! " But each of us has to figure out what works and what doesn't work for us, as an individual. That's what our journey is about. -Annie > > ...Would she have for trying to look up my ex-fiance on Facebook? I " caught " her doing it. I needed to get on her computer for something, and there the search page was - staring me straight in the face. Although, apparently, she'd forgotten how to spell his last name. > > What IS this latest move? She's going to contact him and see if he will take me back? I'm married now, and he didn't want me 10 years ago when I was unattached because he was afraid I was going to turn into her (EVERYONE kept telling him, " Look at the mother if you want to see how the daughter will turn out. " Stupid people!). He always WAS afraid of her, poor guy. DH is not. :-) And he acknowledges that I am nothing like her. He's a much better match for me! > > Still, is she trying to find out all she can about him to prove how she thinks he " would've been so much better for me " - and drag up THAT hurt yet again? Like she continues to mention my dead baby (six years later) just to hurt me? Why do they derive so much pleasure from hurting others? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2012 Report Share Posted April 22, 2012 " steal pieces of my sister's life " YES - that is one of the things my nada and other BPDs I have known have done consistently. Whether it's taking up with a friend who let you down or stealing your things, contacting an ex or taking credit for your accomplishments, I actually think they should add this to the diagnosis. On Fri, Apr 20, 2012 at 9:47 AM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote: > ** > > > Whatever your nada's reasons are, they're probably unhealthy and > obsessive. And I suggest that its unhealthy to focus on her disordered > reasons for doing anything, mainly because you can't change her. You can't > stop her from being crazy. Your only real power is to decide what you will > do, yourself. > > Ruminating on what your nada might or might not do isn't very productive. > She's mentally ill; she will do mean, crazy, hurtful things. My suggestion > is that the more you can emotionally distance yourself from your nada, the > more peaceful and joyful your life will be. > > As though your motto is " Who cares what the crazy people are thinking or > doing? > I don't! " > > But each of us has to figure out what works and what doesn't work for us, > as an individual. That's what our journey is about. > > -Annie > > > > > > > ...Would she have for trying to look up my ex-fiance on Facebook? I > " caught " her doing it. I needed to get on her computer for something, and > there the search page was - staring me straight in the face. Although, > apparently, she'd forgotten how to spell his last name. > > > > What IS this latest move? She's going to contact him and see if he will > take me back? I'm married now, and he didn't want me 10 years ago when I > was unattached because he was afraid I was going to turn into her (EVERYONE > kept telling him, " Look at the mother if you want to see how the daughter > will turn out. " Stupid people!). He always WAS afraid of her, poor guy. DH > is not. :-) And he acknowledges that I am nothing like her. He's a much > better match for me! > > > > Still, is she trying to find out all she can about him to prove how she > thinks he " would've been so much better for me " - and drag up THAT hurt yet > again? Like she continues to mention my dead baby (six years later) just to > hurt me? Why do they derive so much pleasure from hurting others? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2012 Report Share Posted April 22, 2012 " steal pieces of my sister's life " YES - that is one of the things my nada and other BPDs I have known have done consistently. Whether it's taking up with a friend who let you down or stealing your things, contacting an ex or taking credit for your accomplishments, I actually think they should add this to the diagnosis. On Fri, Apr 20, 2012 at 9:47 AM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote: > ** > > > Whatever your nada's reasons are, they're probably unhealthy and > obsessive. And I suggest that its unhealthy to focus on her disordered > reasons for doing anything, mainly because you can't change her. You can't > stop her from being crazy. Your only real power is to decide what you will > do, yourself. > > Ruminating on what your nada might or might not do isn't very productive. > She's mentally ill; she will do mean, crazy, hurtful things. My suggestion > is that the more you can emotionally distance yourself from your nada, the > more peaceful and joyful your life will be. > > As though your motto is " Who cares what the crazy people are thinking or > doing? > I don't! " > > But each of us has to figure out what works and what doesn't work for us, > as an individual. That's what our journey is about. > > -Annie > > > > > > > ...Would she have for trying to look up my ex-fiance on Facebook? I > " caught " her doing it. I needed to get on her computer for something, and > there the search page was - staring me straight in the face. Although, > apparently, she'd forgotten how to spell his last name. > > > > What IS this latest move? She's going to contact him and see if he will > take me back? I'm married now, and he didn't want me 10 years ago when I > was unattached because he was afraid I was going to turn into her (EVERYONE > kept telling him, " Look at the mother if you want to see how the daughter > will turn out. " Stupid people!). He always WAS afraid of her, poor guy. DH > is not. :-) And he acknowledges that I am nothing like her. He's a much > better match for me! > > > > Still, is she trying to find out all she can about him to prove how she > thinks he " would've been so much better for me " - and drag up THAT hurt yet > again? Like she continues to mention my dead baby (six years later) just to > hurt me? Why do they derive so much pleasure from hurting others? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2012 Report Share Posted April 22, 2012 " steal pieces of my sister's life " YES - that is one of the things my nada and other BPDs I have known have done consistently. Whether it's taking up with a friend who let you down or stealing your things, contacting an ex or taking credit for your accomplishments, I actually think they should add this to the diagnosis. On Fri, Apr 20, 2012 at 9:47 AM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote: > ** > > > Whatever your nada's reasons are, they're probably unhealthy and > obsessive. And I suggest that its unhealthy to focus on her disordered > reasons for doing anything, mainly because you can't change her. You can't > stop her from being crazy. Your only real power is to decide what you will > do, yourself. > > Ruminating on what your nada might or might not do isn't very productive. > She's mentally ill; she will do mean, crazy, hurtful things. My suggestion > is that the more you can emotionally distance yourself from your nada, the > more peaceful and joyful your life will be. > > As though your motto is " Who cares what the crazy people are thinking or > doing? > I don't! " > > But each of us has to figure out what works and what doesn't work for us, > as an individual. That's what our journey is about. > > -Annie > > > > > > > ...Would she have for trying to look up my ex-fiance on Facebook? I > " caught " her doing it. I needed to get on her computer for something, and > there the search page was - staring me straight in the face. Although, > apparently, she'd forgotten how to spell his last name. > > > > What IS this latest move? She's going to contact him and see if he will > take me back? I'm married now, and he didn't want me 10 years ago when I > was unattached because he was afraid I was going to turn into her (EVERYONE > kept telling him, " Look at the mother if you want to see how the daughter > will turn out. " Stupid people!). He always WAS afraid of her, poor guy. DH > is not. :-) And he acknowledges that I am nothing like her. He's a much > better match for me! > > > > Still, is she trying to find out all she can about him to prove how she > thinks he " would've been so much better for me " - and drag up THAT hurt yet > again? Like she continues to mention my dead baby (six years later) just to > hurt me? Why do they derive so much pleasure from hurting others? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2012 Report Share Posted April 23, 2012 Annie: Thanks for that. You're right, of course. I can't change her behavior, and I think that's the most frustrating part of all this for me. And it is unhealthy to keep focusing on what I can't change. I had a wise pre-calculus teacher who counseled me on this very issue during my junior year of high school. You think I would've gotten the message by now, but no ... Part of me believes that I can't ever resolve anything until I find out the " why " and the " what " behind it. I was reading part of When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends (has anyone else read that?) this morning. It outlines five different types of daughters that come out of damaged mother-daughter relationships. DH asked me what I hoped to gain from it. " Are you hoping to gain some sort of sense of identity from this? " he asked. And I said, " No. I HAVE one of these disordered identities (I think I resonate most with the Cipher). I'm just trying to understand it so that I can fix it. " And I think that's why I question her behavior so much. Because I want to fix it. I want to understand the whys and the whats.Why? Because she's sick, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't fix it. Aargh! What can I do about it? I can change myself and my behavior. I can, as you say, emotionally distance myself from her. So, I'm working on that (again). I always seem to take more backwards steps than forward steps in this process. But that's why I'm back here. For support and insight from people who have been there and done that and know almost exactly what I'm going through. Thank you all for " listening. " :-) ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 11:47 AM Subject: Re: What possible reason ... Â Whatever your nada's reasons are, they're probably unhealthy and obsessive. And I suggest that its unhealthy to focus on her disordered reasons for doing anything, mainly because you can't change her. You can't stop her from being crazy. Your only real power is to decide what you will do, yourself. Ruminating on what your nada might or might not do isn't very productive. She's mentally ill; she will do mean, crazy, hurtful things. My suggestion is that the more you can emotionally distance yourself from your nada, the more peaceful and joyful your life will be. As though your motto is " Who cares what the crazy people are thinking or doing? I don't! " But each of us has to figure out what works and what doesn't work for us, as an individual. That's what our journey is about. -Annie > > ...Would she have for trying to look up my ex-fiance on Facebook? I " caught " her doing it. I needed to get on her computer for something, and there the search page was - staring me straight in the face. Â Although, apparently, she'd forgotten how to spell his last name. > > What IS this latest move? She's going to contact him and see if he will take me back? I'm married now, and he didn't want me 10 years ago when I was unattached because he was afraid I was going to turn into her (EVERYONE kept telling him, " Look at the mother if you want to see how the daughter will turn out. " Stupid people!). He always WAS afraid of her, poor guy. DH is not. :-) And he acknowledges that I am nothing like her. He's a much better match for me! > > Still, is she trying to find out all she can about him to prove how she thinks he " would've been so much better for me " - and drag up THAT hurt yet again? Like she continues to mention my dead baby (six years later) just to hurt me? Why do they derive so much pleasure from hurting others? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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