Slept like crap again, unresolved anger

[Guest guest]

This whole week has been one of late nights. First from pushing to get taxes

done, then over tired insomnia, followed by GERD/bile acid backup. That was

before fada was put in the hospital.

Fada's heart is ok, arteries squeaky clean. Next they will be looking at his

lungs. I seriously considered all of our mortality when I decided to go NC--my

feeling haven't changed. My parents are poisonous. Nada is very mentally ill,

mean spirited and dictatorial, and I am presently the scapegoat for all the

family woes. My refusal to engage with nada is looked at by nada/fada as an

extended " teenage rebellion " (I'm 48!).

I am just trying to survive. I need to take care of myself because neither of my

parents will acknowledge the hurt they cause: hers by verbal attacks, emotional

blackmail, gaslighting, spreading propaganda about me. And his by denying the

dysfunction and withholding himself from me (more emotional blackmail).

I had trouble failing asleep again last night--took me almost 2 hours. And was

almost immediately wakened when my DD's cat started beating at my door at 5 am.

I nearly killed him before I locked him in a pet crate. Then of course I lay

back down and all this ANGER I am carrying about nada/fada came rushing up. I

was making myself physically sick, so I took a valium.

I am so scared I am going to die young from living under so much mental stress

for years. My GI tract & lungs have been deteriorating for the last 30 years and

I have been on countless regimens to regain my health. Now I'm overweight,

peri-menopausal, hypoglycemic and worry with every bout of heartburn IF its

heartburn, bile backup or a heart attack.

I just want to survive, I want to be free. I want " Eternal Sunshine of a

Spotless Mind " to be real and available.

[Guest guest]

(((((echobabe)))

I hear you.

I don't know if this will work for you or not, because each of us is different

and each of us must find our own way, but I suggest that your pd parents still

have the power to upset you because you still care about them and how they feel

about you.

You want your parents to acknowledge that they are abusive to you, to apologize

to you, to show some true remorse, and basically to stop being poisonous

assholes. But they can't change, because they don't want to. Your parents

firmly believe that there is nothing wrong with them at all, and that they are

perfectly justified to think the way they do, and act the way they do, and treat

you the way you do. Their behaviors indicate that they don't care about your

feelings, really.

So my suggestion is that if you can bring yourself to emotionally detach from

them, *as though your parents actually died physically*, then you can begin to

find some peace and healing.

My own take on this is that as long as you keep holding on to wanting and hoping

that they will change, nothing will change for you.

So, like Frodo and the Ring, its you who has to let go; the " Ring " won't fall

from your hand if you are clutching onto it: you have to choose to drop it into

the fire. Stop holding on to caring about what your personality-disordered

parents think and how they feel, stop caring about what they say and what they

do. They are bitter, damaged, toxic people and their toxicity is leaching into

you, pulling you down and making you sad and ill.

Let them go. Cut your emotional ties to your parents. You can still pity your

parents from a safe emotional distance, as though they are eccentric,

off-kilter, semi-dangerous neighbors or acquaintances, but if yearning for your

parents to change (and give you unconditional parental love) is making you

seriously depressed and physically sick, then, maybe its time to try something

different.

Just food for thought, to mull over.

I hope you feel better soon, and can get some good sleep. And I hope you find a

solution that will work well for you. Life is too short, and needs to be as

full of joy and peace as possible.

-Annie

>

> This whole week has been one of late nights. First from pushing to get taxes

done, then over tired insomnia, followed by GERD/bile acid backup. That was

before fada was put in the hospital.

>

> Fada's heart is ok, arteries squeaky clean. Next they will be looking at his

lungs. I seriously considered all of our mortality when I decided to go NC--my

feeling haven't changed. My parents are poisonous. Nada is very mentally ill,

mean spirited and dictatorial, and I am presently the scapegoat for all the

family woes. My refusal to engage with nada is looked at by nada/fada as an

extended " teenage rebellion " (I'm 48!).

>

> I am just trying to survive. I need to take care of myself because neither of

my parents will acknowledge the hurt they cause: hers by verbal attacks,

emotional blackmail, gaslighting, spreading propaganda about me. And his by

denying the dysfunction and withholding himself from me (more emotional

blackmail).

>

> I had trouble failing asleep again last night--took me almost 2 hours. And was

almost immediately wakened when my DD's cat started beating at my door at 5 am.

I nearly killed him before I locked him in a pet crate. Then of course I lay

back down and all this ANGER I am carrying about nada/fada came rushing up. I

was making myself physically sick, so I took a valium.

>

> I am so scared I am going to die young from living under so much mental stress

for years. My GI tract & lungs have been deteriorating for the last 30 years and

I have been on countless regimens to regain my health. Now I'm overweight,

peri-menopausal, hypoglycemic and worry with every bout of heartburn IF its

heartburn, bile backup or a heart attack.

>

> I just want to survive, I want to be free. I want " Eternal Sunshine of a

Spotless Mind " to be real and available.

>

[Guest guest]

(((((echobabe)))

I hear you.

I don't know if this will work for you or not, because each of us is different

and each of us must find our own way, but I suggest that your pd parents still

have the power to upset you because you still care about them and how they feel

about you.

You want your parents to acknowledge that they are abusive to you, to apologize

to you, to show some true remorse, and basically to stop being poisonous

assholes. But they can't change, because they don't want to. Your parents

firmly believe that there is nothing wrong with them at all, and that they are

perfectly justified to think the way they do, and act the way they do, and treat

you the way you do. Their behaviors indicate that they don't care about your

feelings, really.

So my suggestion is that if you can bring yourself to emotionally detach from

them, *as though your parents actually died physically*, then you can begin to

find some peace and healing.

My own take on this is that as long as you keep holding on to wanting and hoping

that they will change, nothing will change for you.

So, like Frodo and the Ring, its you who has to let go; the " Ring " won't fall

from your hand if you are clutching onto it: you have to choose to drop it into

the fire. Stop holding on to caring about what your personality-disordered

parents think and how they feel, stop caring about what they say and what they

do. They are bitter, damaged, toxic people and their toxicity is leaching into

you, pulling you down and making you sad and ill.

Let them go. Cut your emotional ties to your parents. You can still pity your

parents from a safe emotional distance, as though they are eccentric,

off-kilter, semi-dangerous neighbors or acquaintances, but if yearning for your

parents to change (and give you unconditional parental love) is making you

seriously depressed and physically sick, then, maybe its time to try something

different.

Just food for thought, to mull over.

I hope you feel better soon, and can get some good sleep. And I hope you find a

solution that will work well for you. Life is too short, and needs to be as

full of joy and peace as possible.

-Annie

>

> This whole week has been one of late nights. First from pushing to get taxes

done, then over tired insomnia, followed by GERD/bile acid backup. That was

before fada was put in the hospital.

>

> Fada's heart is ok, arteries squeaky clean. Next they will be looking at his

lungs. I seriously considered all of our mortality when I decided to go NC--my

feeling haven't changed. My parents are poisonous. Nada is very mentally ill,

mean spirited and dictatorial, and I am presently the scapegoat for all the

family woes. My refusal to engage with nada is looked at by nada/fada as an

extended " teenage rebellion " (I'm 48!).

>

> I am just trying to survive. I need to take care of myself because neither of

my parents will acknowledge the hurt they cause: hers by verbal attacks,

emotional blackmail, gaslighting, spreading propaganda about me. And his by

denying the dysfunction and withholding himself from me (more emotional

blackmail).

>

> I had trouble failing asleep again last night--took me almost 2 hours. And was

almost immediately wakened when my DD's cat started beating at my door at 5 am.

I nearly killed him before I locked him in a pet crate. Then of course I lay

back down and all this ANGER I am carrying about nada/fada came rushing up. I

was making myself physically sick, so I took a valium.

>

> I am so scared I am going to die young from living under so much mental stress

for years. My GI tract & lungs have been deteriorating for the last 30 years and

I have been on countless regimens to regain my health. Now I'm overweight,

peri-menopausal, hypoglycemic and worry with every bout of heartburn IF its

heartburn, bile backup or a heart attack.

>

> I just want to survive, I want to be free. I want " Eternal Sunshine of a

Spotless Mind " to be real and available.

>

[Guest guest]

((deannaveg)) Please, please share the link! I have been considering Annie's

words and been searching for something online--only to find forums that tell me

" aw, it can't be that bad! Don't turn from your parents " UGH.

I have tried so much already and some has helped quite a bit. But I'm still

attached and don't want to be!

> >

> > This whole week has been one of late nights. First from pushing to get taxes

done, then over tired insomnia, followed by GERD/bile acid backup. That was

before fada was put in the hospital.

> >

> > Fada's heart is ok, arteries squeaky clean. Next they will be looking at his

lungs. I seriously considered all of our mortality when I decided to go NC--my

feeling haven't changed. My parents are poisonous. Nada is very mentally ill,

mean spirited and dictatorial, and I am presently the scapegoat for all the

family woes. My refusal to engage with nada is looked at by nada/fada as an

extended " teenage rebellion " (I'm 48!).

> >

> > I am just trying to survive. I need to take care of myself because neither

of my parents will acknowledge the hurt they cause: hers by verbal attacks,

emotional blackmail, gaslighting, spreading propaganda about me. And his by

denying the dysfunction and withholding himself from me (more emotional

blackmail).

> >

> > I had trouble failing asleep again last night--took me almost 2 hours. And

was almost immediately wakened when my DD's cat started beating at my door at 5

am. I nearly killed him before I locked him in a pet crate. Then of course I lay

back down and all this ANGER I am carrying about nada/fada came rushing up. I

was making myself physically sick, so I took a valium.

> >

> > I am so scared I am going to die young from living under so much mental

stress for years. My GI tract & lungs have been deteriorating for the last 30

years and I have been on countless regimens to regain my health. Now I'm

overweight, peri-menopausal, hypoglycemic and worry with every bout of

heartburn IF its heartburn, bile backup or a heart attack.

> >

> > I just want to survive, I want to be free. I want " Eternal Sunshine of a

Spotless Mind " to be real and available.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

((deannaveg)) Please, please share the link! I have been considering Annie's

words and been searching for something online--only to find forums that tell me

" aw, it can't be that bad! Don't turn from your parents " UGH.

I have tried so much already and some has helped quite a bit. But I'm still

attached and don't want to be!

> >

> > This whole week has been one of late nights. First from pushing to get taxes

done, then over tired insomnia, followed by GERD/bile acid backup. That was

before fada was put in the hospital.

> >

> > Fada's heart is ok, arteries squeaky clean. Next they will be looking at his

lungs. I seriously considered all of our mortality when I decided to go NC--my

feeling haven't changed. My parents are poisonous. Nada is very mentally ill,

mean spirited and dictatorial, and I am presently the scapegoat for all the

family woes. My refusal to engage with nada is looked at by nada/fada as an

extended " teenage rebellion " (I'm 48!).

> >

> > I am just trying to survive. I need to take care of myself because neither

of my parents will acknowledge the hurt they cause: hers by verbal attacks,

emotional blackmail, gaslighting, spreading propaganda about me. And his by

denying the dysfunction and withholding himself from me (more emotional

blackmail).

> >

> > I had trouble failing asleep again last night--took me almost 2 hours. And

was almost immediately wakened when my DD's cat started beating at my door at 5

am. I nearly killed him before I locked him in a pet crate. Then of course I lay

back down and all this ANGER I am carrying about nada/fada came rushing up. I

was making myself physically sick, so I took a valium.

> >

> > I am so scared I am going to die young from living under so much mental

stress for years. My GI tract & lungs have been deteriorating for the last 30

years and I have been on countless regimens to regain my health. Now I'm

overweight, peri-menopausal, hypoglycemic and worry with every bout of

heartburn IF its heartburn, bile backup or a heart attack.

> >

> > I just want to survive, I want to be free. I want " Eternal Sunshine of a

Spotless Mind " to be real and available.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Although I haven't read it myself, I've heard that " Toxic Parents " by

Forward is good.

I guess each of us just has to reach that point where we simply can't take one

more sucker-punch to the gut, in a manner of speaking. Some of us reach that

" I'm done " point earlier, some later. And I guess for some KOs, whose bpd

parents are less severely abusive, low contact with boundaries is tolerable.

Have you kept a journal and written down the abusive incidents you've endured

over the years? Sometimes seeing them all accumulating in black and white can

help, particularly when you see patterns or types of abuse that occur over and

over. Rather late in adulthood I started keeping a private blog, like a diary,

and recording the abusive incidents that I was experiencing at that time from my

nada, and I put together what I called a " retro diary " of childhood memories.

I'd just jot down a memory or memory fragment as it would pop up, not bothering

to put them in order until later. That really helped me gain a lot of

perspective on my nada's behaviors; it was very self-validating.

Allowing yourself to have a " time out " or temporary No Contact, can give you

some perspective on your own situation and help you gain emotional distance. If

you have never been out of contact with your parents, perhaps this is something

you can try.

I hope you find something that will work for you.

-Annie

>

> ((Annie)) THAN YOU so much for your insight. I have been so frustrated for

finding myself falling back into this pattern. You are the second person

recently that has suggested my problem is in not being able to let go of my

emotional attachment to my parents.

>

> This is so hard. I don't even know how to go about this. I have done so many

years of therapy, mostly about nada. I'm not going to list everything I've read,

exercises I've done both with a therapist and on my own through self help books.

I am so very frustrated. I want to achieve emotional detachment so badly. I wish

I could say that my lingering attachment is only to fada, but I KNOW I still

care/worry too much about nada as well.

>

> After reading your post I went to Amazon to look up 'emotional detachment' and

found only a handful of titles (the 3 main ones are apparently infused with God,

the others deal with either spouses or work issues) that do not deal with

parents.

>

> Google searches for " detaching from parents " netted me mostly conversations

recommending giving the parents a break, cause " they did the best they could "

and " you must be overreacting. " (insert eye rolling). " Codependent No More " was

recommended quite a bit, and I have gotten out my copy from years ago--but I

think I need something a little more focused on parent-child bond.

>

> Do you or anyone here recommend a book, a link or anything else that can

specifically help us break the emotional bond for good?

[Guest guest]

Sure, there are lots of links, but this is the one I used. The bottom part

gives the ritual.

http://www.yourangelsguidance.com/emotionalcords.html

>

> ((deannaveg)) Please, please share the link! I have been considering Annie's

words and been searching for something online--only to find forums that tell me

" aw, it can't be that bad! Don't turn from your parents " UGH.

>

> I have tried so much already and some has helped quite a bit. But I'm still

attached and don't want to be!

>

[Guest guest]

Awesome! I will check that out. Thanks!

>

> Hi Echobabe, Deanna and all:

>

> I've just found what seems to really be a missing link in progress of really

releasing nada, 'detaching'. I found it in a Berekely area therapist's web

pages:

>

> http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail&artid=52

>

> The idea is that children of nadas form an 'inner critic' that tries to HELP

them think like nada, ie, shame, guilt and fear ourselves into perfection or

into pleasing nada perfectly, so that we can then 'attach' to her and be

biologically safe. Understanding this, and the basics from Judith Herman's

trauma and recovery, and also the idea of disenfranchised 'ego states' at ages

2-3, 12, and 17--those are the three things that have been truly essential to my

recovery. That and full NC, of course.

>

> --Charlotte