Guest guest Posted April 22, 2012 Report Share Posted April 22, 2012 I can't write much right now but I just called nada for our weekly chat. Her first comment is, " OH MY GOD, where have you been? You never call, blah blah blah. " Sometimes I feel like we've made such progress, she and I, and then times like today I see I'm so wrong. Anyway, she goes on to tell me that my brother has been trying to contact me all week, and that he said, " she never calls me back. I always leave her messages, but she can't be bothered to respond. " I had to put the phone away from my ear at that point. I hate that they talk about me behind my back. I hate that he has to lower himself to " tell on me. " And I hate that she has to report it back to me. It's so infantile and stupid. I imagine them talking about me in her little cave apartment, because it's all they have in common, is their resentment with me that I don't call her every day and I don't call him back when he wants. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2012 Report Share Posted April 22, 2012 Fiona, I'm sorry your FOO is so aggravating. I think it is best not to expect any progress in dealing with anyone with BPD to be lasting. My nada's behavior has improved since I started hanging up on her when she violated my boundaries, but I still have to cut off conversations occasionally because she just doesn't understand why she shouldn't bad-mouth people to me. She kind of recognizes that doing it doesn't get her the results she wants, but she doesn't recognize there's anything wrong with doing it so she keeps trying to see if she can get away with it, or maybe she just forgets that the results of doing it aren't what she wants. Keeping her reminded not to do it requires regular reinforcement. My advice is to be very matter of fact when your nada accuses you of never calling. Say something like " Mom, you know we have a schedule for calls " and if she persists tell her you have to go and hang up. (Yes, I'm a big fan of hanging up on misbehaving nadas. Nothing says you have to stay on the phone with someone who is being nasty.) I'd also advise not thinking about what your nada and your brother say to each other. If they want to upset themselves over your failure to call as often as they'd like, that's their problem. Don't let them make it your problem. You have no control over them and can't reasonably change what they talk about. If you do have to think of them, consider how pathetic it is for the two of them to sit in her little cave griping about you. Sometimes the best revenge is to enjoy your own life while they're making themselves miserable. At 07:57 AM 04/22/2012 Fiona wrote: >I can't write much right now but I just called nada for our >weekly chat. > >Her first comment is, " OH MY GOD, where have you been? You >never call, blah blah blah. " >Sometimes I feel like we've made such progress, she and I, and >then times like today I see I'm so wrong. > >Anyway, she goes on to tell me that my brother has been trying >to contact me all week, and that he said, " she never calls me >back. I always leave her messages, but she can't be bothered to >respond. " > >I had to put the phone away from my ear at that point. I hate >that they talk about me behind my back. I hate that he has to >lower himself to " tell on me. " And I hate that she has to >report it back to me. > >It's so infantile and stupid. > >I imagine them talking about me in her little cave apartment, >because it's all they have in common, is their resentment with >me that I don't call her every day and I don't call him back >when he wants. > >Sigh. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2012 Report Share Posted April 22, 2012 Fiona, I'm sorry your FOO is so aggravating. I think it is best not to expect any progress in dealing with anyone with BPD to be lasting. My nada's behavior has improved since I started hanging up on her when she violated my boundaries, but I still have to cut off conversations occasionally because she just doesn't understand why she shouldn't bad-mouth people to me. She kind of recognizes that doing it doesn't get her the results she wants, but she doesn't recognize there's anything wrong with doing it so she keeps trying to see if she can get away with it, or maybe she just forgets that the results of doing it aren't what she wants. Keeping her reminded not to do it requires regular reinforcement. My advice is to be very matter of fact when your nada accuses you of never calling. Say something like " Mom, you know we have a schedule for calls " and if she persists tell her you have to go and hang up. (Yes, I'm a big fan of hanging up on misbehaving nadas. Nothing says you have to stay on the phone with someone who is being nasty.) I'd also advise not thinking about what your nada and your brother say to each other. If they want to upset themselves over your failure to call as often as they'd like, that's their problem. Don't let them make it your problem. You have no control over them and can't reasonably change what they talk about. If you do have to think of them, consider how pathetic it is for the two of them to sit in her little cave griping about you. Sometimes the best revenge is to enjoy your own life while they're making themselves miserable. At 07:57 AM 04/22/2012 Fiona wrote: >I can't write much right now but I just called nada for our >weekly chat. > >Her first comment is, " OH MY GOD, where have you been? You >never call, blah blah blah. " >Sometimes I feel like we've made such progress, she and I, and >then times like today I see I'm so wrong. > >Anyway, she goes on to tell me that my brother has been trying >to contact me all week, and that he said, " she never calls me >back. I always leave her messages, but she can't be bothered to >respond. " > >I had to put the phone away from my ear at that point. I hate >that they talk about me behind my back. I hate that he has to >lower himself to " tell on me. " And I hate that she has to >report it back to me. > >It's so infantile and stupid. > >I imagine them talking about me in her little cave apartment, >because it's all they have in common, is their resentment with >me that I don't call her every day and I don't call him back >when he wants. > >Sigh. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2012 Report Share Posted April 22, 2012 I hate this too, Fiona. This sibling triangulation thing. It is so hurtful, unnecessary and just revs everyone up. < > > > I can't write much right now but I just called nada for our weekly chat. > > Her first comment is, " OH MY GOD, where have you been? You never call, blah blah blah. " > Sometimes I feel like we've made such progress, she and I, and then times like today I see I'm so wrong. > > Anyway, she goes on to tell me that my brother has been trying to contact me all week, and that he said, " she never calls me back. I always leave her messages, but she can't be bothered to respond. " > > I had to put the phone away from my ear at that point. I hate that they talk about me behind my back. I hate that he has to lower himself to " tell on me. " And I hate that she has to report it back to me. > > It's so infantile and stupid. > > I imagine them talking about me in her little cave apartment, because it's all they have in common, is their resentment with me that I don't call her every day and I don't call him back when he wants. > > Sigh. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2012 Report Share Posted April 22, 2012 Geez, Fiona, the first thing that popped into my head when I read this was: Man, her brother really needs a life. Seriously. Is this all he has to do? Maybe you can turn your anger into pity. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. But really? Doesn't he have anything better to do? Hey - if I didn't call for ONE DAY I would get: Well! We thought you were dead! Said in a snippy tone of voice. > I can't write much right now but I just called nada for our weekly chat. > > Her first comment is, " OH MY GOD, where have you been? You never call, blah blah blah. " > Sometimes I feel like we've made such progress, she and I, and then times like today I see I'm so wrong. > > Anyway, she goes on to tell me that my brother has been trying to contact me all week, and that he said, " she never calls me back. I always leave her messages, but she can't be bothered to respond. " > > I had to put the phone away from my ear at that point. I hate that they talk about me behind my back. I hate that he has to lower himself to " tell on me. " And I hate that she has to report it back to me. > > It's so infantile and stupid. > > I imagine them talking about me in her little cave apartment, because it's all they have in common, is their resentment with me that I don't call her every day and I don't call him back when he wants. > > Sigh. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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