Guest guest Posted April 23, 2012 Report Share Posted April 23, 2012 Hello all, As always I want to thank you all for your contributions. I read so many posts here that make me ponder, that inspire me, that help me through this personal journey of understanding how my upbringing affected me. I most of the time don't comment, but I really appreciate everyone sharing their views here. One thing that I have always struggled with, and I wonder if it's a NON BP kinda thing, is how to be ok with being mad. When I get mad, and find a way to express anger, I find it exhausting. I realise that I get physical manifestations of the stress it causes me. I get vertigo, low blood pressure, slight headaches... It's like I feel like I'm gonna get struck by lightening, something seriously really bad will happen to me. Like I just did a horrible thing. I play a co-ed sport and I have become one of the main organisers of our pick up games. I have been doing a lot of work on a social media platform, and I had to take a stand against a guy recently. This guy, who has contributed pretty much nothing to our sport community, has been trying to tell me how to do things, to control who gets to play -when normally for pick up it's open to everyone- and make up rules randomly making my task more difficult. I have tried to push him back, to the point where I had it, and I basically told him 'screw you', I'm setting up my own social media structure, I have had enough of your controlling behaviour. Even though I know ethically what I did was right, and it was best for the group, this thing has literally been eating me up. This argument has become public without my sport's community, and I have had to express my disagreement publicly with him. I know I am certainly not a pushover, I can tell people to go to hell if I feel like i have to, but the residus of my anger are just horrible. I am second guessing myself all the time, on how i could have handled the situation differently usually. I lose sleep over it, I get nausea. It's nuts. I know my reaction to anger is a bit weird, because I see my BF just being so much more rational about things, and he seems able to 'recycle' the anger garbage so much better. I feel like when I let it out, I get so anxious afterwards, and kinda depressed/uneasy afterwards. It feels very deep rooted. Could it have something to do with how I saw my BP Mom getting angry and throwing fits on a regular basis, as a kid? I wonder. I would love to know if you guys have had such experiences, with anger. Thanks a lot, Coco Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2012 Report Share Posted April 23, 2012 I am so afraid of yelling the way my parents did that I didn't even yell when I was being sexually assaulted. I simply said, 50 times or more, " I'm not interested. " " Get the eff out of my car. " I said it without yelling, with my head down, refusing to make eye contact. So he didn't think I was serious. So he kept pushing. After I hung up on my mother, I was afraid to be around her because I thought I might physically attack her, or my father might hit me (none of that happened). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2012 Report Share Posted April 23, 2012 I am so afraid of yelling the way my parents did that I didn't even yell when I was being sexually assaulted. I simply said, 50 times or more, " I'm not interested. " " Get the eff out of my car. " I said it without yelling, with my head down, refusing to make eye contact. So he didn't think I was serious. So he kept pushing. After I hung up on my mother, I was afraid to be around her because I thought I might physically attack her, or my father might hit me (none of that happened). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2012 Report Share Posted April 23, 2012 I am so afraid of yelling the way my parents did that I didn't even yell when I was being sexually assaulted. I simply said, 50 times or more, " I'm not interested. " " Get the eff out of my car. " I said it without yelling, with my head down, refusing to make eye contact. So he didn't think I was serious. So he kept pushing. After I hung up on my mother, I was afraid to be around her because I thought I might physically attack her, or my father might hit me (none of that happened). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2012 Report Share Posted April 23, 2012 I can relate to this issue. I felt that I had such a vast, deep reservoir of unexpressed anger that if I unleashed it, I would not be able to control it. I might actually hurt someone. And on top of that, I did NOT want to rage like an exploding volcano or act out physically because that would have made me just like my nada. My most cherished goal in life was to NOT be like my nada, as much as humanly possible. I despised her abusive, violent rages and felt contempt for nada for allowing herself to indulge in them, like a bully. I hate bullies. So I " ate " my anger. I stuffed myself full of food instead to stuff down my anger/distract me from feeling my feelings, and became morbidly obese. What seems to be working for me now is to not repress my anger when anger is an appropriate response, but to express it in a calm, rational, assertive way, in the moment. And then to go beat the crap out of a sofa or go on a long walk uphill or do a lot of physical cleaning/scrubbing things to work out the physical energy/adrenaline that anger generates. (The excess, unused adrenaline is what makes you feel shaky and jittery, makes your heart pound, shoots up your blood pressure and gives you a headache; physical exercise will work the adrenaline out of you.) Keep in mind too that as children many of us (most of us? all of us?) were forbidden to show anger and were probably punished severely for expressing anger, even justified anger. I was forbidden to even look unhappy; that was considered an insult and a criticism to my nada. I had to look happy all the time. Even a neutral, blank expression on my face could be interpreted as me being " sullen " or " disrespectful " and get me yelled at or hit, depending on nada's mood at the time. If you were trained from babyhood to never show any anger, if you were shamed or physically assaulted for expressing anger, then its going to take a lot of conscious effort on your part to " de-program " yourself from punishing yourself for expressing appropriate anger in appropriate ways. -Annie > > I am so afraid of yelling the way my parents did that I didn't even yell when I was being sexually assaulted. I simply said, 50 times or more, " I'm not interested. " " Get the eff out of my car. " I said it without yelling, with my head down, refusing to make eye contact. So he didn't think I was serious. So he kept pushing. > > After I hung up on my mother, I was afraid to be around her because I thought I might physically attack her, or my father might hit me (none of that happened). > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2012 Report Share Posted April 23, 2012 My guess is that your are also fighting fear of the confrontation, of the guy even. And beating yourself up about being fearful, which you shouldn't be. Fear = Fantasized Experience Appearing Real. Fear helps us in our animal brains by keeping us from doing things that may hurt us. But in KO's, our fear switches have become highly sensitive by numerous situations in our FOO. We need to unlearn to overreact to fear by having more of these types of confrontations. The dominating jerk gifted you with the opportunity to grow and heal. He's still a jerk, but kudos o you on shutting him down and taking care of your group! > > Hello all, > As always I want to thank you all for your contributions. I read so many posts here that make me ponder, that inspire me, that help me through this personal journey of understanding how my upbringing affected me. > I most of the time don't comment, but I really appreciate everyone sharing their views here. > > One thing that I have always struggled with, and I wonder if it's a > NON BP kinda thing, is how to be ok with being mad. > When I get mad, and find a way to express anger, I find it exhausting. > I realise that I get physical manifestations of the stress it causes me. I get vertigo, low blood pressure, slight headaches... > > It's like I feel like I'm gonna get struck by lightening, something seriously really bad will happen to me. Like I just did a horrible thing. > > I play a co-ed sport and I have become one of the main organisers of our pick up games. I have been doing a lot of work on a social media platform, and I had to take a stand against a guy recently. > This guy, who has contributed pretty much nothing to our sport community, has been trying to tell me how to do things, to control who gets to play -when normally for pick up it's open to everyone- and make up rules randomly making my task more difficult. > I have tried to push him back, to the point where I had it, and I basically told him 'screw you', I'm setting up my own social media structure, I have had enough of your controlling behaviour. > Even though I know ethically what I did was right, and it was best for the group, this thing has literally been eating me up. > > This argument has become public without my sport's community, and I have had to express my disagreement publicly with him. > > I know I am certainly not a pushover, I can tell people to go to hell if I feel like i have to, but the residus of my anger are just horrible. > I am second guessing myself all the time, on how i could have handled the situation differently usually. > I lose sleep over it, I get nausea. It's nuts. > > I know my reaction to anger is a bit weird, because I see my BF just being so much more rational about things, and he seems able to 'recycle' the anger garbage so much better. > > I feel like when I let it out, I get so anxious afterwards, and kinda depressed/uneasy afterwards. It feels very deep rooted. > > Could it have something to do with how I saw my BP Mom getting angry and throwing fits on a regular basis, as a kid? > I wonder. > I would love to know if you guys have had such experiences, with anger. > Thanks a lot, > > Coco > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 23, 2012 Report Share Posted April 23, 2012 My guess is that your are also fighting fear of the confrontation, of the guy even. And beating yourself up about being fearful, which you shouldn't be. Fear = Fantasized Experience Appearing Real. Fear helps us in our animal brains by keeping us from doing things that may hurt us. But in KO's, our fear switches have become highly sensitive by numerous situations in our FOO. We need to unlearn to overreact to fear by having more of these types of confrontations. The dominating jerk gifted you with the opportunity to grow and heal. He's still a jerk, but kudos o you on shutting him down and taking care of your group! > > Hello all, > As always I want to thank you all for your contributions. I read so many posts here that make me ponder, that inspire me, that help me through this personal journey of understanding how my upbringing affected me. > I most of the time don't comment, but I really appreciate everyone sharing their views here. > > One thing that I have always struggled with, and I wonder if it's a > NON BP kinda thing, is how to be ok with being mad. > When I get mad, and find a way to express anger, I find it exhausting. > I realise that I get physical manifestations of the stress it causes me. I get vertigo, low blood pressure, slight headaches... > > It's like I feel like I'm gonna get struck by lightening, something seriously really bad will happen to me. Like I just did a horrible thing. > > I play a co-ed sport and I have become one of the main organisers of our pick up games. I have been doing a lot of work on a social media platform, and I had to take a stand against a guy recently. > This guy, who has contributed pretty much nothing to our sport community, has been trying to tell me how to do things, to control who gets to play -when normally for pick up it's open to everyone- and make up rules randomly making my task more difficult. > I have tried to push him back, to the point where I had it, and I basically told him 'screw you', I'm setting up my own social media structure, I have had enough of your controlling behaviour. > Even though I know ethically what I did was right, and it was best for the group, this thing has literally been eating me up. > > This argument has become public without my sport's community, and I have had to express my disagreement publicly with him. > > I know I am certainly not a pushover, I can tell people to go to hell if I feel like i have to, but the residus of my anger are just horrible. > I am second guessing myself all the time, on how i could have handled the situation differently usually. > I lose sleep over it, I get nausea. It's nuts. > > I know my reaction to anger is a bit weird, because I see my BF just being so much more rational about things, and he seems able to 'recycle' the anger garbage so much better. > > I feel like when I let it out, I get so anxious afterwards, and kinda depressed/uneasy afterwards. It feels very deep rooted. > > Could it have something to do with how I saw my BP Mom getting angry and throwing fits on a regular basis, as a kid? > I wonder. > I would love to know if you guys have had such experiences, with anger. > Thanks a lot, > > Coco > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 Deanna, I am sorry you went through something so horrible, I cannot imagine how you must have felt. You saying " no " only once should have sufficed, even in a soft voice, even without eye contact. I wish you the best in your healing process, Coco > > I am so afraid of yelling the way my parents did that I didn't even yell when I was being sexually assaulted. I simply said, 50 times or more, " I'm not interested. " " Get the eff out of my car. " I said it without yelling, with my head down, refusing to make eye contact. So he didn't think I was serious. So he kept pushing. > > After I hung up on my mother, I was afraid to be around her because I thought I might physically attack her, or my father might hit me (none of that happened). > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 Hello SR and thank you for your message. It is interesting what you wrote, because I precisely feel like I'm getting myself into a lot of trouble usually, when I express anger. Probably because I know I will face someone else's anger in return and I have had enough already. My difficulty is not necessarily expressing anger, but what comes next. I feel horrible, like I shouldn't have, I should have handled it better, I made a mistake. I actually think I cannot express anger -however justified it is- without feeling a huge amount of guilt. Like I really did mess up, and that makes me a pretty 'ugly' person. Getting angry feels like a mistake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2012 Report Share Posted April 25, 2012 Yes, Echobabe, you might be right. I always question myself on whether my anger is justified, whether it is fair to get angry too. Anger, I suppose has always seemed like a destructive thing, not a positive thing. Not something that comes out of 'nice people', to put it simply. C- > > > > Hello all, > > As always I want to thank you all for your contributions. I read so many posts here that make me ponder, that inspire me, that help me through this personal journey of understanding how my upbringing affected me. > > I most of the time don't comment, but I really appreciate everyone sharing their views here. > > > > One thing that I have always struggled with, and I wonder if it's a > > NON BP kinda thing, is how to be ok with being mad. > > When I get mad, and find a way to express anger, I find it exhausting. > > I realise that I get physical manifestations of the stress it causes me. I get vertigo, low blood pressure, slight headaches... > > > > It's like I feel like I'm gonna get struck by lightening, something seriously really bad will happen to me. Like I just did a horrible thing. > > > > I play a co-ed sport and I have become one of the main organisers of our pick up games. I have been doing a lot of work on a social media platform, and I had to take a stand against a guy recently. > > This guy, who has contributed pretty much nothing to our sport community, has been trying to tell me how to do things, to control who gets to play -when normally for pick up it's open to everyone- and make up rules randomly making my task more difficult. > > I have tried to push him back, to the point where I had it, and I basically told him 'screw you', I'm setting up my own social media structure, I have had enough of your controlling behaviour. > > Even though I know ethically what I did was right, and it was best for the group, this thing has literally been eating me up. > > > > This argument has become public without my sport's community, and I have had to express my disagreement publicly with him. > > > > I know I am certainly not a pushover, I can tell people to go to hell if I feel like i have to, but the residus of my anger are just horrible. > > I am second guessing myself all the time, on how i could have handled the situation differently usually. > > I lose sleep over it, I get nausea. It's nuts. > > > > I know my reaction to anger is a bit weird, because I see my BF just being so much more rational about things, and he seems able to 'recycle' the anger garbage so much better. > > > > I feel like when I let it out, I get so anxious afterwards, and kinda depressed/uneasy afterwards. It feels very deep rooted. > > > > Could it have something to do with how I saw my BP Mom getting angry and throwing fits on a regular basis, as a kid? > > I wonder. > > I would love to know if you guys have had such experiences, with anger. > > Thanks a lot, > > > > Coco > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2012 Report Share Posted April 25, 2012 Yes, Echobabe, you might be right. I always question myself on whether my anger is justified, whether it is fair to get angry too. Anger, I suppose has always seemed like a destructive thing, not a positive thing. Not something that comes out of 'nice people', to put it simply. C- > > > > Hello all, > > As always I want to thank you all for your contributions. I read so many posts here that make me ponder, that inspire me, that help me through this personal journey of understanding how my upbringing affected me. > > I most of the time don't comment, but I really appreciate everyone sharing their views here. > > > > One thing that I have always struggled with, and I wonder if it's a > > NON BP kinda thing, is how to be ok with being mad. > > When I get mad, and find a way to express anger, I find it exhausting. > > I realise that I get physical manifestations of the stress it causes me. I get vertigo, low blood pressure, slight headaches... > > > > It's like I feel like I'm gonna get struck by lightening, something seriously really bad will happen to me. Like I just did a horrible thing. > > > > I play a co-ed sport and I have become one of the main organisers of our pick up games. I have been doing a lot of work on a social media platform, and I had to take a stand against a guy recently. > > This guy, who has contributed pretty much nothing to our sport community, has been trying to tell me how to do things, to control who gets to play -when normally for pick up it's open to everyone- and make up rules randomly making my task more difficult. > > I have tried to push him back, to the point where I had it, and I basically told him 'screw you', I'm setting up my own social media structure, I have had enough of your controlling behaviour. > > Even though I know ethically what I did was right, and it was best for the group, this thing has literally been eating me up. > > > > This argument has become public without my sport's community, and I have had to express my disagreement publicly with him. > > > > I know I am certainly not a pushover, I can tell people to go to hell if I feel like i have to, but the residus of my anger are just horrible. > > I am second guessing myself all the time, on how i could have handled the situation differently usually. > > I lose sleep over it, I get nausea. It's nuts. > > > > I know my reaction to anger is a bit weird, because I see my BF just being so much more rational about things, and he seems able to 'recycle' the anger garbage so much better. > > > > I feel like when I let it out, I get so anxious afterwards, and kinda depressed/uneasy afterwards. It feels very deep rooted. > > > > Could it have something to do with how I saw my BP Mom getting angry and throwing fits on a regular basis, as a kid? > > I wonder. > > I would love to know if you guys have had such experiences, with anger. > > Thanks a lot, > > > > Coco > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2012 Report Share Posted April 25, 2012 Yes, Echobabe, you might be right. I always question myself on whether my anger is justified, whether it is fair to get angry too. Anger, I suppose has always seemed like a destructive thing, not a positive thing. Not something that comes out of 'nice people', to put it simply. C- > > > > Hello all, > > As always I want to thank you all for your contributions. I read so many posts here that make me ponder, that inspire me, that help me through this personal journey of understanding how my upbringing affected me. > > I most of the time don't comment, but I really appreciate everyone sharing their views here. > > > > One thing that I have always struggled with, and I wonder if it's a > > NON BP kinda thing, is how to be ok with being mad. > > When I get mad, and find a way to express anger, I find it exhausting. > > I realise that I get physical manifestations of the stress it causes me. I get vertigo, low blood pressure, slight headaches... > > > > It's like I feel like I'm gonna get struck by lightening, something seriously really bad will happen to me. Like I just did a horrible thing. > > > > I play a co-ed sport and I have become one of the main organisers of our pick up games. I have been doing a lot of work on a social media platform, and I had to take a stand against a guy recently. > > This guy, who has contributed pretty much nothing to our sport community, has been trying to tell me how to do things, to control who gets to play -when normally for pick up it's open to everyone- and make up rules randomly making my task more difficult. > > I have tried to push him back, to the point where I had it, and I basically told him 'screw you', I'm setting up my own social media structure, I have had enough of your controlling behaviour. > > Even though I know ethically what I did was right, and it was best for the group, this thing has literally been eating me up. > > > > This argument has become public without my sport's community, and I have had to express my disagreement publicly with him. > > > > I know I am certainly not a pushover, I can tell people to go to hell if I feel like i have to, but the residus of my anger are just horrible. > > I am second guessing myself all the time, on how i could have handled the situation differently usually. > > I lose sleep over it, I get nausea. It's nuts. > > > > I know my reaction to anger is a bit weird, because I see my BF just being so much more rational about things, and he seems able to 'recycle' the anger garbage so much better. > > > > I feel like when I let it out, I get so anxious afterwards, and kinda depressed/uneasy afterwards. It feels very deep rooted. > > > > Could it have something to do with how I saw my BP Mom getting angry and throwing fits on a regular basis, as a kid? > > I wonder. > > I would love to know if you guys have had such experiences, with anger. > > Thanks a lot, > > > > Coco > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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