Re: Epiphany: Why We are Split Black or White

[Guest guest]

Yes, I agree: that is a profound truth, in my opinion. And even if the reason

or motive is subconscious (nada is not consciously aware of why exactly she

prefers and lionizes one child over the other) the nada can consciously

*observe*, over and over and over again, the *effects* of her choice to treat

one child as perfect and the other one as dung.... and she does not care.

That, to me, is the primal, core evil: nada chooses over and over and over

again to do things to her children that hurt the children, even though she can

SEE that it hurts them.

That is lack of affective empathy; nada does not care that she is doing real,

permanent damage to her own child/children. Nada only knows on some level that

this is working for nada; it makes nada feel good. That is objectifying the

children, using them to serve nada's needs.

Such individuals, in my opinion, are way, way too emotionally dysfunctional to

be raising children. But that's just my own personal take on all this:

No substance abusers as professional drivers or airline pilots or surgeons; no

pedophiles as teachers or coaches, and no borderline pd people as parents.

BPD does not match the job requirements of parenting.

-Annie

>

> 'to reduce another person to an object is the primal wrong.'--

>

> Dear WTO,

>

> I stumbled upon an astoundingly validating Truth this weekend. I realized

that, when splitting children black or white, nada was using, subconsciously, an

evil-genius approach to how she could PLAY us. If my split-good sister, had

been split black, she would have become useless to nada. She would have become

a borderline herself, or killed herself (which she did actually attempt the few

tiny times she *was split black). I, on the other hand, was useful as the

scapegoat. I could take the self-loathing nada needed to project, and take it

and take it, and stay whole--and keep trying to please her, and keep begging for

more.

>

> Nada played us like instruments. She needed to project (and to deny that

projection). She knew instinctively that Golden child was useable as a

Princess, and I was useable as a Pig.

>

> This was because my sister was weak; and I was strong, loyal and loving.

>

> Not because my sister was prettier. Not because my sister's talents were any

more valuable than my talents. Not because ANYTHING nada said about EITHER of

us was true. At ALL. This splitting happened ONLY because nada had gaping

needs to harm us both, and she knew instinctively how we each could be played,

and remain useful to her.

>

> Now that I comprehend this in my mind, I can work on believing it in my bones,

and this will help free me from a lifetime of hurt. Because comparing me to the

golden sibling--saying I was wretched but SIBLING, was good, loved and

perfect--was the single most painful and damaging thing nada did to me.

>

> I hope that this rings true and comforts some of you too!

>

> --Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

I have one brother who is the true " golden child " of the family. I used to buy

into the crap about his virtues. I used to think he was the coolest person ever.

I even fed the lies. I put him on a pedestal. I am not sure why I wanted to. I

think in part thinking of him in such an elevated way comforted me because I

felt compared to him. If he really were so great than it was ok for me to not

measure up.

My Nada claims that she was always working toward being perfectly fair as a

parent. she always touts her greatness at treating her children equally.

her criticism is subtle. she talks about all of us. but she says flowery

praising things about one while giving the impression that the others life is

barley up to par. all in an aren't we such a wonderful family way.

just yesterday in the weekly family letter she writes, (which DH hilariously

reads,and annotates to me) she was talking about one niece and how she is going

on an exciting adventure next semester abroad, and how she " successfully

finished her semester " etc. she also said she needed to " corner " her and " get

all the details " poor girl.

another niece in the same paragraph was described as " expected to finish her

current semester upon it's completion. "

both are great girls. Nada apparently does not approve of both.if you are not

looking for it this crap slides under the radar.

when I was younger I used to be excited just to be mentioned. even if the facts

were fuzzy.

my nada used me as her " close " daughter by covertly convincing me that she was

the only person who believed in me. all the while telling me all the reasons I

had NOT to be ashamed of myself. It fooled me for a long time.

I was also the scapegoat whenever her superior children did anything I (or she)

did not like.

Meikjn

> >

> > 'to reduce another person to an object is the primal wrong.'--

> >

> > Dear WTO,

> >

> > I stumbled upon an astoundingly validating Truth this weekend. I realized

that, when splitting children black or white, nada was using, subconsciously, an

evil-genius approach to how she could PLAY us. If my split-good sister, had

been split black, she would have become useless to nada. She would have become

a borderline herself, or killed herself (which she did actually attempt the few

tiny times she *was split black). I, on the other hand, was useful as the

scapegoat. I could take the self-loathing nada needed to project, and take it

and take it, and stay whole--and keep trying to please her, and keep begging for

more.

> >

> > Nada played us like instruments. She needed to project (and to deny that

projection). She knew instinctively that Golden child was useable as a

Princess, and I was useable as a Pig.

> >

> > This was because my sister was weak; and I was strong, loyal and loving.

> >

> > Not because my sister was prettier. Not because my sister's talents were

any more valuable than my talents. Not because ANYTHING nada said about EITHER

of us was true. At ALL. This splitting happened ONLY because nada had gaping

needs to harm us both, and she knew instinctively how we each could be played,

and remain useful to her.

> >

> > Now that I comprehend this in my mind, I can work on believing it in my

bones, and this will help free me from a lifetime of hurt. Because comparing me

to the golden sibling--saying I was wretched but SIBLING, was good, loved and

perfect--was the single most painful and damaging thing nada did to me.

> >

> > I hope that this rings true and comforts some of you too!

> >

> > --Charlie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have one brother who is the true " golden child " of the family. I used to buy

into the crap about his virtues. I used to think he was the coolest person ever.

I even fed the lies. I put him on a pedestal. I am not sure why I wanted to. I

think in part thinking of him in such an elevated way comforted me because I

felt compared to him. If he really were so great than it was ok for me to not

measure up.

My Nada claims that she was always working toward being perfectly fair as a

parent. she always touts her greatness at treating her children equally.

her criticism is subtle. she talks about all of us. but she says flowery

praising things about one while giving the impression that the others life is

barley up to par. all in an aren't we such a wonderful family way.

just yesterday in the weekly family letter she writes, (which DH hilariously

reads,and annotates to me) she was talking about one niece and how she is going

on an exciting adventure next semester abroad, and how she " successfully

finished her semester " etc. she also said she needed to " corner " her and " get

all the details " poor girl.

another niece in the same paragraph was described as " expected to finish her

current semester upon it's completion. "

both are great girls. Nada apparently does not approve of both.if you are not

looking for it this crap slides under the radar.

when I was younger I used to be excited just to be mentioned. even if the facts

were fuzzy.

my nada used me as her " close " daughter by covertly convincing me that she was

the only person who believed in me. all the while telling me all the reasons I

had NOT to be ashamed of myself. It fooled me for a long time.

I was also the scapegoat whenever her superior children did anything I (or she)

did not like.

Meikjn

> >

> > 'to reduce another person to an object is the primal wrong.'--

> >

> > Dear WTO,

> >

> > I stumbled upon an astoundingly validating Truth this weekend. I realized

that, when splitting children black or white, nada was using, subconsciously, an

evil-genius approach to how she could PLAY us. If my split-good sister, had

been split black, she would have become useless to nada. She would have become

a borderline herself, or killed herself (which she did actually attempt the few

tiny times she *was split black). I, on the other hand, was useful as the

scapegoat. I could take the self-loathing nada needed to project, and take it

and take it, and stay whole--and keep trying to please her, and keep begging for

more.

> >

> > Nada played us like instruments. She needed to project (and to deny that

projection). She knew instinctively that Golden child was useable as a

Princess, and I was useable as a Pig.

> >

> > This was because my sister was weak; and I was strong, loyal and loving.

> >

> > Not because my sister was prettier. Not because my sister's talents were

any more valuable than my talents. Not because ANYTHING nada said about EITHER

of us was true. At ALL. This splitting happened ONLY because nada had gaping

needs to harm us both, and she knew instinctively how we each could be played,

and remain useful to her.

> >

> > Now that I comprehend this in my mind, I can work on believing it in my

bones, and this will help free me from a lifetime of hurt. Because comparing me

to the golden sibling--saying I was wretched but SIBLING, was good, loved and

perfect--was the single most painful and damaging thing nada did to me.

> >

> > I hope that this rings true and comforts some of you too!

> >

> > --Charlie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have one brother who is the true " golden child " of the family. I used to buy

into the crap about his virtues. I used to think he was the coolest person ever.

I even fed the lies. I put him on a pedestal. I am not sure why I wanted to. I

think in part thinking of him in such an elevated way comforted me because I

felt compared to him. If he really were so great than it was ok for me to not

measure up.

My Nada claims that she was always working toward being perfectly fair as a

parent. she always touts her greatness at treating her children equally.

her criticism is subtle. she talks about all of us. but she says flowery

praising things about one while giving the impression that the others life is

barley up to par. all in an aren't we such a wonderful family way.

just yesterday in the weekly family letter she writes, (which DH hilariously

reads,and annotates to me) she was talking about one niece and how she is going

on an exciting adventure next semester abroad, and how she " successfully

finished her semester " etc. she also said she needed to " corner " her and " get

all the details " poor girl.

another niece in the same paragraph was described as " expected to finish her

current semester upon it's completion. "

both are great girls. Nada apparently does not approve of both.if you are not

looking for it this crap slides under the radar.

when I was younger I used to be excited just to be mentioned. even if the facts

were fuzzy.

my nada used me as her " close " daughter by covertly convincing me that she was

the only person who believed in me. all the while telling me all the reasons I

had NOT to be ashamed of myself. It fooled me for a long time.

I was also the scapegoat whenever her superior children did anything I (or she)

did not like.

Meikjn

> >

> > 'to reduce another person to an object is the primal wrong.'--

> >

> > Dear WTO,

> >

> > I stumbled upon an astoundingly validating Truth this weekend. I realized

that, when splitting children black or white, nada was using, subconsciously, an

evil-genius approach to how she could PLAY us. If my split-good sister, had

been split black, she would have become useless to nada. She would have become

a borderline herself, or killed herself (which she did actually attempt the few

tiny times she *was split black). I, on the other hand, was useful as the

scapegoat. I could take the self-loathing nada needed to project, and take it

and take it, and stay whole--and keep trying to please her, and keep begging for

more.

> >

> > Nada played us like instruments. She needed to project (and to deny that

projection). She knew instinctively that Golden child was useable as a

Princess, and I was useable as a Pig.

> >

> > This was because my sister was weak; and I was strong, loyal and loving.

> >

> > Not because my sister was prettier. Not because my sister's talents were

any more valuable than my talents. Not because ANYTHING nada said about EITHER

of us was true. At ALL. This splitting happened ONLY because nada had gaping

needs to harm us both, and she knew instinctively how we each could be played,

and remain useful to her.

> >

> > Now that I comprehend this in my mind, I can work on believing it in my

bones, and this will help free me from a lifetime of hurt. Because comparing me

to the golden sibling--saying I was wretched but SIBLING, was good, loved and

perfect--was the single most painful and damaging thing nada did to me.

> >

> > I hope that this rings true and comforts some of you too!

> >

> > --Charlie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

AMEN!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 2:15 PM

Subject: Re: Epiphany: Why We are Split Black or White

Yes, I agree: that is a profound truth, in my opinion.  And even if the reason

or motive is subconscious (nada is not consciously aware of why exactly she

prefers and lionizes one child over the other)  the nada can consciously

*observe*,  over and over and over again, the *effects* of her choice to treat

one child as perfect and the other one as dung.... and she does not care.

That, to me, is the primal, core evil:  nada chooses over and over and over

again to do things to her children that hurt the children, even though she can

SEE that it hurts them.

That is lack of affective empathy; nada does not care that she is doing real,

permanent damage to her own child/children.  Nada only knows on some level that

this is working for nada; it makes nada feel good.  That is objectifying the

children, using them to serve nada's needs. 

Such individuals, in my opinion, are way, way too emotionally dysfunctional to

be raising children.  But that's just my own personal take on all this: 

No substance abusers as professional drivers or airline pilots or surgeons; no

pedophiles as teachers or coaches, and no borderline pd people as parents.

BPD does not match the job requirements of parenting.

-Annie

>

> 'to reduce another person to an object is the primal wrong.'--

>

> Dear WTO,

>

> I stumbled upon an astoundingly validating Truth this weekend.  I realized

that, when splitting children black or white, nada was using, subconsciously, an

evil-genius approach to how she could PLAY us.  If my split-good sister, had

been split black, she would have become useless to nada.  She would have become

a borderline herself, or killed herself (which she did actually attempt the few

tiny times she *was split black).  I, on the other hand, was useful as the

scapegoat.  I could take the self-loathing nada needed to project, and take it

and take it, and stay whole--and keep trying to please her, and keep begging for

more. 

>

> Nada played us like instruments.  She needed to project (and to deny that

projection).  She knew instinctively that Golden child was useable as a

Princess, and I was useable as a Pig. 

>

> This was because my sister was weak; and I was strong, loyal and loving.

>

> Not because my sister was prettier.  Not because my sister's talents were any

more valuable than my talents.  Not because ANYTHING nada said about EITHER of

us was true.  At ALL.  This splitting happened ONLY because nada had gaping

needs to harm us both, and she knew instinctively how we each could be played,

and remain useful to her.

>

> Now that I comprehend this in my mind, I can work on believing it in my bones,

and this will help free me from a lifetime of hurt.  Because comparing me to the

golden sibling--saying I was wretched but SIBLING, was good, loved and

perfect--was the single most painful and damaging thing nada did to me.

>

> I hope that this rings true and comforts some of you too!

>

> --Charlie

>

------------------------------------

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Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

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[Guest guest]

" That is lack of affective empathy; nada does not care that she is doing real,

permanent damage to her own child/children. Nada only knows on some level that

this is working for nada; it makes nada feel good. That is objectifying the

children, using them to serve nada's needs. " Annie

WOW. Can I just say wow?! This rings so so true to me. I have felt like I

'disapeared' in my BP Mom's eyes, many times, to become a TOOL.

Not a human being, not a separate individual.

BUT a TOOL, a mean to an end.

It is the scariest thing, when you see yourself literally disapearing in your

own mother's eyes. You're not *you* anymore, you're just a 'thing'. You just

exist, because your Mom's needs exist.

You're a tool.

[Guest guest]

" That is lack of affective empathy; nada does not care that she is doing real,

permanent damage to her own child/children. Nada only knows on some level that

this is working for nada; it makes nada feel good. That is objectifying the

children, using them to serve nada's needs. " Annie

WOW. Can I just say wow?! This rings so so true to me. I have felt like I

'disapeared' in my BP Mom's eyes, many times, to become a TOOL.

Not a human being, not a separate individual.

BUT a TOOL, a mean to an end.

It is the scariest thing, when you see yourself literally disapearing in your

own mother's eyes. You're not *you* anymore, you're just a 'thing'. You just

exist, because your Mom's needs exist.

You're a tool.

[Guest guest]

I noticed that " lack of empathy " will be added to the DSM-V as a diagnostic

criteria for borderline pd, and I think that's a good change. (However the

DSM-V is not finished and they may take it out again, later. Who knows.)

Lack of " affective empathy " (the ability to feel another's feelings with them,

as though they are your own) was noticeable in my nada. Sister and I were able

to tell when our nada was faking it; it was subtly exaggerated, but not to the

point of sarcasm.

Nada had average skill at " cognitive empathy " , which is the ability to

accurately recognize and name the feeling that another person was experiencing,

UNLESS she was projecting her own mood onto that other person.

But bottom line: apparently my nada was easily frustrated, easily irritated,

easily pricked by jealousy, easily took insult, and she apparently could not

process these negative feelings on her own and had to eject them from herself;

she usually chose very unhealthy ways.

My nada HAD to have a target for her rage, a living human receptacle to dump

her toxic feelings into. Perhaps she couldn't justify unloading her crap into

her older sister, or her spouse, or one of us kids without first working herself

up into a rage AT the individual, creating a " reason " to go ballistically angry

so she could justify to herself why she would verbally and even physically

attack Sister or me. In nada's mind, we caused her rage because we were " bad "

or did a bad thing, and therefor deserved to be punished.

Nada further justified her abusive behavior to herself in several ways. She

claimed her own father had had a horrible temper and beat her often, but he did

it out of love and she loved him anyway. She claimed that getting punished

immediately for doing something bad was better than waiting all day to be

punished for it (as she had had to wait for her father to come home; he was

their family " executioner " .) She claimed that she loved us very much, and by

shrieking at us, denigrating, shaming and humiliating us, and battering us she

was being a good parent.

So, if all that was absolutely true, and she was acting correctly and being a

good parent, then why did she carefully avoid ever, ever unleashing her " good

parenting " at us in public?

Just stuff I think about, sometimes.

-Annie

>

>

> " That is lack of affective empathy; nada does not care that she is doing real,

permanent damage to her own child/children. Nada only knows on some level that

this is working for nada; it makes nada feel good. That is objectifying the

children, using them to serve nada's needs. " Annie

>

> WOW. Can I just say wow?! This rings so so true to me. I have felt like I

'disapeared' in my BP Mom's eyes, many times, to become a TOOL.

> Not a human being, not a separate individual.

> BUT a TOOL, a mean to an end.

>

> It is the scariest thing, when you see yourself literally disapearing in your

own mother's eyes. You're not *you* anymore, you're just a 'thing'. You just

exist, because your Mom's needs exist.

> You're a tool.

>