Advice on current situation

April 23, 2012

My Nada, after moving 2000 miles away from my wife and I and our 2 kids has

decided that now it is time to attack my wife through emails to me. These

emails are big guilt trips about how my wife didn't make her feel welcome here

in Georgia (after two years of drama that could rival Liza Minnelli, Scarlett

O'Hara, and every character in every Barbara Bradford book ever written -

I swear she thinks that she is the main Character in A Woman of Substance.

There were suicide threats, times where she showed strange favoritism to my son

over my daughter (because my daughter was very nervous around her and didn't

bond with her as quickly as she should have). Thus my Son became the special

gifted one and my daughter was just " sweet " . I have posted about these things

before here.

When my Nada started to go on the attack and began the process of splitting my

wife, I in no uncertain terms informed her that my wife was completely off

limits. But, because " I can never take her honesty " she has decided that it is

more important to make her point than it is to just let it go. My wife really

can't stand Nada, and was as civil as she possibly could be while they lived

here.

My Nada sends me F.O.G. emails that I think would rival the length of Barbara

Bradford novels. Her crafty little letters are complete with bulleted

points as to why she is right and morally superior to me, with observations from

her friends, and now " professional people " including her doctor. I have spent

years dealing with the feelings of guilt and unworthiness that her letters give

me, and I really refuse to read them anymore. This last one was titled (My last

attempt.) If I don't respond, it may be the last letter she will ever send me

(WHOO HOO!!!!) She tries to get me to see things on her level by beating me and

the people I love down to an inferior position, and yet she truly can't

understand why at this point in my life I have really chosen to have nothing to

do with her.

I am the one who started the thread on " Nada's favorite one-liners " that

everyone seemed to have fun with. Her letters are full of them. " I refuse to

apologize for saying, or for raising you the way I did, or for doing the things

I have done for myself, or for my honesty which you have never been able to

take " . My 4 year old can walk up to someone in the street and ask them why they

are fat. Should that be okay? She was just being honest. My nada uses her

honesty like a 4 year old. All of her points are unarguable because she truly

does believe everything she writes, and cannot see, after all the guilt

manipulation and attacking my wife as she has been doing why in the world I

would ignore her.

I WANT TO TELL HER! I WANT TO WRITE BACK AND TELL HER WHAT I THINK OF HER

LETTERS AND WHERE TO CRAM THEM. I WANT TO TELL HER WHERE SHE CAN PUT HER

PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE (WHICH IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE LETTERS). I WANT TO TELL HER

THAT I THINK SHE IS NUTS AND GIVE HER BULLETED POINTS AS TO WHY, INCLUDING ALL

OF HER ONE-LINERS, AND HOW THEY ARE MANIPULATIONS AND TEXTBOOK BPD SAYINGS. I

WANT TO TELL HER THAT I THINK SHE IS AN EMOTIONAL ABUSER, AND THAT I THINK MY

FATHER IS AN ABUSED HUSBAND. I WANT TO TELL HER THAT MY WIFE IS 10 TIMES THE

WOMAN AND MOTHER THAN SHE WILL EVER BE OR COULD DREAM OF BEING. I WANT TO HURT

HER BACK!!!!

I want her to know. Simply not responding feels too easy. It also leaves my

Dad with the question of why. Somehow letting this go, and not sending back my

own unsolicited honesty seems wrong. I really do want nothing more to do with

her, but it seems wrong to leave without an explanation even though I know it

will fall on deaf ears.

April 23, 2012

Hi Maestro,

Thanks for this eloquent, moving narrative. Believe me, we can all relate--and

may I say how wonderful it is to see a KO fully standing up for their wife

against nada! Anyway--I have some input that may help.

First of all, though it may sound outlandish at first, re-enactive 'pillow talk'

can sometimes help relieve the feelings of injustice in a situation like this.

Meaning, go into a room alone (or under a therapist's supervision, or with a

trusted supporter.) Pick a pillow. Prefarably not your favorite pillow.

Pretend it's nada. Tell the pillow, talking, shouting, cursing, etc.--exactly

what you say to nada.

That way your body gets the confrontation it needs. But please believe me when

I tell you that if you attempt to actually talk (or write) to actual nada, it

will only lead to more frustration. Nadas may appear to be speaking English,

but they are not using language for the same reasons non-Cluster Bs do. With

nada, the only way to win is not to play. (This is also particularly true with

narcissists, and your nada may have a strong narcissist wing.) It has helped me

to repeat this to myself again and again. Any attention is better than no

attention--my nada used to get a gleam in her eye when my father would engage

after her attacks, no matter what he actually said. 'I *got to him', she would

say, smirking. A nada just wants you to engage. They know that no matter what

is said, your responding at all is the win.

Food for thought, to take as much as it is useful and discard if not.

Best,

Charlie

>

> My Nada, after moving 2000 miles away from my wife and I and our 2 kids has