another case of being seen as a teenager

[Guest guest]

Some of you know that one of my banes during any time of stress and change is

that my mom's well-programmed tapes get to playing in my head. We are moving,

not totally by our choice, and that is triggering. At this current time of

great change, my tapes are remarkably quiet. Perhaps I've simply figured out how

to turn the volume down?

But maybe I have re-programmed myself to have a more appropriate range of

responses. I truly believe becoming my own best parent has become part of my

self-care, in dealing with nada-related fleas.

Yet, I do believe in staying in connection with my family of origin. I called

my parent's home to latest news last week; our house is on the market and we are

working on financing a home in the new town.

I got their machine; I no longer leave messages because my mom will attack me

about anything I say, when she returns my calls. I was surprised when Mom

called right back after I hung up. I got to share with her a few of the latest

landmarks in DH's work relocation. It was fine until she asked about how HER

siblings were doing, in another part of the U.S. I once lived a five hour drive

from them in New York state. She continues to act as if my relationships with my

aunts and uncles have done a crime against our FOO (her and my dad and my bro

and I). On one level, I have a hard time taking this seriously! So I like to

mess with her when she is absurd. I told her her sister, my Aunt T, is having

her birthday this week. Would I send a present " down there? " mom asked. So I

got silly and suggested she could send a card to her sister for all of us. Oh, I

forgot, no sense of humor.

Our neutrality was gone now. I see it now, it was because my " acting like a

teenager " gave her permission to be honest. Now, I became the bozo bop back

bag. She said, " Oh if I had known how you would turn out I would have taken you

out of school at 16. You were never supposed to go back to New York. You left

home with all the goodies and gave nothing back! "

Uh-huh. Goodies? The chipped tooth, bruises, denigrating abuse, the honeymoon

that followed. The honeymoons must have been " the goodies. " The fresh bread

from the bakery that was the only thing in the house worth eating sometimes?

The lessons she provided for me? Most of them she brought me to, late, and I did

not get full benefit. I had to take the swimming classes twice (I am an

excellent swimmer, though not built for speed), in order to pass them.

I did not argue or fume about any of this, for it just reduces us to " righteous

anger " feasts. Instead, this one time, I stayed on the line and simply refused

to listen. For the first time in my life, I did not get angry, I just kept

TALKING over her . I talked about the soup I was making, and told her that when

the content of her message no longer had " you " messages in it that were telling

mistruths about me, I would listen. Well, neither of us listened to each other.

I just kept talking so I could hear nothing of what she said!

Finally I got tired, and had to go. No anger, or raised voice on my end. I also

asked for something I likely will not get. I said, " I will not talk to you again

until you put dad on the phone. " For it is high time he was present when she

did this stuff. And I want a relationship with my dad before he leaves planet

Earth. I am not likely to get this if I simply allow the status quo. Ask, with

some faith that I deserve this relationship, and I may be pleasantly surprised.

(But I also choose not to be attached to getting what I want/need).

She called back and my dad was put on the phone. I got just enough time to tell

him our family's news. But as soon as he wanted to lecture me, responding to

my nada's coaching (I could hear her in the background), I told him, " You need

to be present for these conversations, so you understand how mom communicates

with me. Taking her side is not something I think you really have any business

doing until you have seen the entire picture. " Again, I was kind, direct,

and not at all angry. Straightaway, my mom wrenched the phone from her husband

and called me the five-letter B-word.

To which I said, Hmm. Really? Time for me to go, then.

And when she rang back again, I did answer. I talked to her as if I were the

adult, and said, " So are you calling to use another word that starts with B, or

do you have something else in mind? " Then I told her even firmly what I need

from my FOO. I am a grown adult and I need a relationship with both parents

where nada is not controlling all the communication. It would be a change at any

rate, to talk as a family, where my dad is present, even if he simply wants to

be neutral and say nothing. I am tired of being misused, privately, and having

my mom tell my father that I am the person who was bad, or acting like a

teenager. I am tired of having her provoke me, with no witnesses present to

hold her accountable.

I am glad I stood up for myself, like an adult. If this duo want to paint me as

an unruly kid, I can let them go and let God.

I have become my own best parent, thanks to the wisdom of other grown children,

in a Sister Program to EA. There I am taught about boundaries, and validating

sick people without losing my integrity.

When I described this recent conversation in my meeting, I realized I had been

the only real adult in the conversation, who was acting on my behalf. Maybe it

is time I acted even more like the adult vis-a-vis my mom. I already gave up

trying to validate MY truth with HER.

Next time I am on the phone with my mom, I may not need to talk over her, to

keep myself from being provoked by her words. I might be able to put water on

the fire by validating her. Not agreeing with her, but letting her know she is

heard. Maybe that will silence her inner two-year-old or pouty eight-year-old.

When she shares her version of the truth, I can say, " I can imagine how you

would see our relationship this way. I am sorry for any part I may have played.

What can we do to remedy the pain and frustration you feel? "

And if she does not feel heard, and wants to turn me into a bozo bop up bag to

vent her frustrations on, I can think to myself: " God did not put me here to be

mistreated. Even by my MOTHER. " And say, " I will have to go, until you have

considered the pain you are inflicting on both of us, and on our entire family

when you say such hurtful words, and are unable to put the past in its

perspective. "

~

Being my own best friend, instead of making it a requirement that my mom set an

example for me.

[Guest guest]

Good for you, , for standing up for yourself. It sounds like you really

handled the situation well. :-)

Thank you for sharing this. I was just wondering if anyone else ever had to deal

with this (not having a phone conversation with Dad ((fada)) without being able

to hear nada in the background). He called to talk to my oldest daughter last

night because she drew him a picture, and I could actually hear nada in the

background, dictating to him what to say. It wasn't bad or lecturing, or

denigrating, as in your situation. It was just really weird, hearing him let her

talk for him - about the picture my daughter drew for HIM. Who knows? She might

have told him to make the phone call in the first place!

________________________________

To: wtoAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, April 24, 2012 8:20 AM

Subject: another case of being seen as a teenager

 

She called back and my dad was put on the phone. I got just enough time to tell

him our family's news. But as soon as he wanted to lecture me, responding to

my nada's coaching (I could hear her in the background), I told him, " You need

to be present for these conversations, so you understand how mom communicates

with me. Taking her side is not something I think you really have any business

doing until you have seen the entire picture. " Again, I was kind, direct,

and not at all angry. Straightaway, my mom wrenched the phone from her husband

and called me the five-letter B-word.

To which I said, Hmm. Really? Time for me to go, then.

And when she rang back again, I did answer. I talked to her as if I were the

adult, and said, " So are you calling to use another word that starts with B, or

do you have something else in mind? " Then I told her even firmly what I need

from my FOO. I am a grown adult and I need a relationship with both parents

where nada is not controlling all the communication. It would be a change at any

rate, to talk as a family, where my dad is present, even if he simply wants to

be neutral and say nothing. I am tired of being misused, privately, and having

my mom tell my father that I am the person who was bad, or acting like a

teenager. I am tired of having her provoke me, with no witnesses present to

hold her accountable.

I am glad I stood up for myself, like an adult. If this duo want to paint me as

an unruly kid, I can let them go and let God.

[Guest guest]

Good for you, , for standing up for yourself. It sounds like you really

handled the situation well. :-)

Thank you for sharing this. I was just wondering if anyone else ever had to deal

with this (not having a phone conversation with Dad ((fada)) without being able

to hear nada in the background). He called to talk to my oldest daughter last

night because she drew him a picture, and I could actually hear nada in the

background, dictating to him what to say. It wasn't bad or lecturing, or

denigrating, as in your situation. It was just really weird, hearing him let her

talk for him - about the picture my daughter drew for HIM. Who knows? She might

have told him to make the phone call in the first place!

________________________________

To: wtoAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, April 24, 2012 8:20 AM

Subject: another case of being seen as a teenager

 

She called back and my dad was put on the phone. I got just enough time to tell

him our family's news. But as soon as he wanted to lecture me, responding to

my nada's coaching (I could hear her in the background), I told him, " You need

to be present for these conversations, so you understand how mom communicates

with me. Taking her side is not something I think you really have any business

doing until you have seen the entire picture. " Again, I was kind, direct,

and not at all angry. Straightaway, my mom wrenched the phone from her husband

and called me the five-letter B-word.

To which I said, Hmm. Really? Time for me to go, then.

And when she rang back again, I did answer. I talked to her as if I were the

adult, and said, " So are you calling to use another word that starts with B, or

do you have something else in mind? " Then I told her even firmly what I need

from my FOO. I am a grown adult and I need a relationship with both parents

where nada is not controlling all the communication. It would be a change at any

rate, to talk as a family, where my dad is present, even if he simply wants to

be neutral and say nothing. I am tired of being misused, privately, and having

my mom tell my father that I am the person who was bad, or acting like a

teenager. I am tired of having her provoke me, with no witnesses present to

hold her accountable.

I am glad I stood up for myself, like an adult. If this duo want to paint me as

an unruly kid, I can let them go and let God.

[Guest guest]

Annie,

He has been absorbed and is part of the collective (STNG reference) I LOVE this

analogy of being enmeshed. I may steal this one for future use.

C

> >

> > Some of you know that one of my banes during any time of stress and change

is that my mom's well-programmed tapes get to playing in my head. We are

moving, not totally by our choice, and that is triggering. At this current time

of great change, my tapes are remarkably quiet. Perhaps I've simply figured out

how to turn the volume down?

> >

> > But maybe I have re-programmed myself to have a more appropriate range of

responses. I truly believe becoming my own best parent has become part of my

self-care, in dealing with nada-related fleas.

> >

> > Yet, I do believe in staying in connection with my family of origin. I

called my parent's home to latest news last week; our house is on the market and

we are working on financing a home in the new town. .......

>

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

My Nada also hijacked and conscripted telephone conversations between

myself, and my father. After he retired, he would actually waite until she

left the house before he would call me, and hang up when he heard her car

in the driveway.

The last private call between us, was breached, when, due to his

impaired hearing, he did not realize she was eavesdropping in the hallway

and had turned up the volume of his cell phone.

It was a deeply personal conversation, and she later, after his

unexpected death, tried to convince me that he had betrayed my trust and

confidence in him, and told her everything I had said!

Fortunately, she got enough of it wrong, that I knew she was lying, but

she never would give up trying to destroy my trust in him, even after death.

She would also sometimes exhibit a really weird theatrical behavior, in

which she respond to me when I called, as if I was complaining, crying, or

having a difficult time with something, and talk to me in a very dramatic

consoling tone of voice.

I finally figured out that there were other people in the room with

her, overhearing the conversation, and her consoling affectation was for

the benefit of her projection of me as a weak and needy flake, and bolster

her own self image as consoling, put-upon, loving mother.

I could have been describing little birds with blue ribbons delivering

baskets of kittens to my front porch, and she would have been responding to

me as if I was weeping inconsolably over a broken fingernail or stubbed toe!

It was creepy and bizarre to say the least!

I finally started asking her whom else was there with her, and was

eventually able to discern whom it was likely to be, just by the way she

was responding to my call.

If the Housekeepers were present, Nada had to help me through domestic

mahem, Dad present, and I was in an emotional meltdown with paranoid

delusions over mean neighbors, Book club members in the living-room, and I

needed advice with child-rearing . . . .

One more weird form of gas-lighting.

I won't answer her phone calls. Ever. And yet, I long for her. I miss

her, *and* also know that everything, good or bad that she says to me, or

about me is founded in manipulation, spite, and an all consuming desire to

control or destroy. Damn.

Warm regards, and stay away from the phone! Sunspot

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry, I hit send too soon - I also wanted to say that I am deeply moved by

your determination to make your own stand, and choices based on who you

are, and not be hijacked by old tapes. I hear a tremendous inner strength

and determination in your post, and am awed by what you have shared. You

are where I aspire to be, someday. Although I fear my path is irrevocably

detoured.

Your inner strength is beautiful and inspiring. You stand there, glowing

and steadfast. I am so moved.

My Best to you, Sunspot

> Hi All,

>

> My Nada also hijacked and conscripted telephone conversations between

> myself, and my father. After he retired, he would actually waite until she

> left the house before he would call me, and hang up when he heard her car

> in the driveway.

> The last private call between us, was breached, when, due to his

> impaired hearing, he did not realize she was eavesdropping in the hallway

> and had turned up the volume of his cell phone.

> It was a deeply personal conversation, and she later, after his

> unexpected death, tried to convince me that he had betrayed my trust and

> confidence in him, and told her everything I had said!

>

> Fortunately, she got enough of it wrong, that I knew she was lying, but

> she never would give up trying to destroy my trust in him, even after death.

>

> She would also sometimes exhibit a really weird theatrical behavior, in

> which she respond to me when I called, as if I was complaining, crying, or

> having a difficult time with something, and talk to me in a very dramatic

> consoling tone of voice.

>

> I finally figured out that there were other people in the room with

> her, overhearing the conversation, and her consoling affectation was for

> the benefit of her projection of me as a weak and needy flake, and bolster

> her own self image as consoling, put-upon, loving mother.

>

> I could have been describing little birds with blue ribbons delivering

> baskets of kittens to my front porch, and she would have been responding to

> me as if I was weeping inconsolably over a broken fingernail or stubbed toe!

>

> It was creepy and bizarre to say the least!

>

> I finally started asking her whom else was there with her, and was

> eventually able to discern whom it was likely to be, just by the way she

> was responding to my call.

>

> If the Housekeepers were present, Nada had to help me through domestic

> mahem, Dad present, and I was in an emotional meltdown with paranoid

> delusions over mean neighbors, Book club members in the living-room, and I

> needed advice with child-rearing . . . .

>

> One more weird form of gas-lighting.

>

> I won't answer her phone calls. Ever. And yet, I long for her. I miss

> her, *and* also know that everything, good or bad that she says to me,

> or about me is founded in manipulation, spite, and an all consuming desire

> to control or destroy. Damn.

>

> Warm regards, and stay away from the phone! Sunspot

>

>

>

>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi : Thank you for shaing this experience with us. My nada also uses a

lot of the same tactics on me. Would you mind clarifying what you mean by

" Sister Program to EA? " It sounds like something that might be beneficial to me

as well. Thank you much!

>

> I have become my own best parent, thanks to the wisdom of other grown

children, in a Sister Program to EA. There I am taught about boundaries, and

validating sick people without losing my integrity.

>

> When I described this recent conversation in my meeting, I realized I had been

the only real adult in the conversation, who was acting on my behalf. Maybe it

is time I acted even more like the adult vis-a-vis my mom. I already gave up

trying to validate MY truth with HER.

[Guest guest]

Hi : Thank you for shaing this experience with us. My nada also uses a

lot of the same tactics on me. Would you mind clarifying what you mean by

" Sister Program to EA? " It sounds like something that might be beneficial to me

as well. Thank you much!

>

> I have become my own best parent, thanks to the wisdom of other grown

children, in a Sister Program to EA. There I am taught about boundaries, and

validating sick people without losing my integrity.

>

> When I described this recent conversation in my meeting, I realized I had been

the only real adult in the conversation, who was acting on my behalf. Maybe it

is time I acted even more like the adult vis-a-vis my mom. I already gave up

trying to validate MY truth with HER.

[Guest guest]

Occasionally I would spent 20 minutes alone on the phone with my father. My

mother put a stop to this some 10 years ago. After an hour on the phone with

her (gag), when I would try over and over to get off the phone, she might say,

" Would you like to talk to your father? " Often, I would decline, because I just

wanted TO GET OFF THE PHONE as I'd been saying for 10 minutes.

HOWEVER, when I would accept, she would hand him the phone and run into the

other room to pick up the line, so I could never have a private conversation

with him.

Here's the kicker: One day when she asked if I'd like to talk to my father, a

lightbulb went on, and I said, " Is he standing right there with you? " and she

said, " Yesssssss " and I knew it! How could I be SO STUPID!?!?!?!?

For YEARS she had been talking my face off and then asking me if I wanted to

talk to my father *who had just walked into the room* and I would say NO because

I was so very tired of being forced to stay on the phone. We would hang up and

my guess is she'd turn to dad and say something like, " HM. I guess she doesn't

want to talk to you. " What a clever way to destroy my relationship with my

father.

When he was put in a home with Alzheimers, I thought FINALLY I can be alone with

him, but when I did visit, she stalked me, tried to get there when she found out

I was coming, called over there begging me to come and visit HER. Even when he

was too demented to understand anything bad I could say about her to him (which

I never, ever did. but is that what she feared?) she wouldn't let me be alone

with him.