financial support???

[Guest guest]

My nada called again today. She was wanting to send me some money. I have

refused to take anything more than a thing that my BFF set up for me and that is

already over with. Nada made my car payment for about four months after my DH

passed away in November.

She sent some cash just a few weeks ago and I know what this is all really

about. She is not happy that I wouldn't commit to staying with her when my son

and I come out to visit in May. We have always stayed with her in the past on

shorter visits, 3 weeks or less. The last time we were there we ended up house

sitting for a friend of mine, which made her VERY unhappy. we did stay there for

part of our trip, but it ended up only being about a week total at her house.

The message she left asked if I " needed anything and to not let myself get

behind on any of my bills and that she is only doing this because I was such a

help to her when I was growing up " Yeah, I was unpaid help for her in home

daycare business and did most of the cleaning and laundry by the time I was in

my teens and god forbid if you don't fold the towels EXACTLY the way she wanted.

I would have has my butt beaten and been grounded if I didn't do everything she

wanted. I had a chart that I had to follow to the letter. I was completely

responsible for the house by the time I was in my mid teens. We aren't just

talking about taking out the trash and doing the dishes. I did EVERYTHING!

I see gifts from nada, especially money like that scene from " The Hurt Locker "

were the bomb squad guy follows a wire and ends up pulling about a dozen IED's

out of the dirt all wired together. EEEEK! Only problem with a nada is that

there is no reliable way to diffuse her " gift bombs "

C

[Guest guest]

Oh C., I feel your pain with this situation.

I know how you feel about taking something from your NADA knowing full well it's

coming with a lot of unclaimed baggage attached to it.

Your image with IEDs is pretty funny! lol

It's sad to think to think so many responsabilities rested on your shoulders, at

such a young age. I am sorry you had to be a young adult, and not the kid/teen

you were supposed to be.

Your comment about not folding the towels right just brought up a memory of

mine.

I remember that my BP Mom totally lost it once, when she was supposed to 'teach

me' how to properly fold a sweater.

I must have been 10 years old then.

She was so miserable then, we had moved to a new house, in a new town, and just

couldn't adjust. And we paid the price dearly.

She kept slapping me, over & over & over again, because I didn't get it right,

and I couldn't fold a sweater exactly how she wanted.

When I look back, I think " oh yeah, sure it was abuse " . But it's still like it's

someone else's story in a way.

When I look back I think of it as a movie I watched, not like it was really my

life.

I have read many stories of abuse being perpetrated through housework chores. It

seems like there is something about cleaning and getting things 'just right'

that resonates with the BP need for control.

Just a theory...

I hope you can find the right balance with your NADA, C. It is the hardest thing

I think, to know how much we can let her in -*if* we can- in order to keep our

sanity.

Remember though, if she felt like lending your money when you needed it, it was

her decision. Unless your NADA specifically says " Hey Honey, here is some money

and if you accept it, I expect you to stay at my house during your next stay " ,

well the rules are she is just lending you cash to help you financially. PERIOD.

Don't let her emotional blackmail bring you down. Keep you head up high.

Good luck to you,

Coco

[Guest guest]

Oh C., I feel your pain with this situation.

I know how you feel about taking something from your NADA knowing full well it's

coming with a lot of unclaimed baggage attached to it.

Your image with IEDs is pretty funny! lol

It's sad to think to think so many responsabilities rested on your shoulders, at

such a young age. I am sorry you had to be a young adult, and not the kid/teen

you were supposed to be.

Your comment about not folding the towels right just brought up a memory of

mine.

I remember that my BP Mom totally lost it once, when she was supposed to 'teach

me' how to properly fold a sweater.

I must have been 10 years old then.

She was so miserable then, we had moved to a new house, in a new town, and just

couldn't adjust. And we paid the price dearly.

She kept slapping me, over & over & over again, because I didn't get it right,

and I couldn't fold a sweater exactly how she wanted.

When I look back, I think " oh yeah, sure it was abuse " . But it's still like it's

someone else's story in a way.

When I look back I think of it as a movie I watched, not like it was really my

life.

I have read many stories of abuse being perpetrated through housework chores. It

seems like there is something about cleaning and getting things 'just right'

that resonates with the BP need for control.

Just a theory...

I hope you can find the right balance with your NADA, C. It is the hardest thing

I think, to know how much we can let her in -*if* we can- in order to keep our

sanity.

Remember though, if she felt like lending your money when you needed it, it was

her decision. Unless your NADA specifically says " Hey Honey, here is some money

and if you accept it, I expect you to stay at my house during your next stay " ,

well the rules are she is just lending you cash to help you financially. PERIOD.

Don't let her emotional blackmail bring you down. Keep you head up high.

Good luck to you,

Coco

[Guest guest]

Oh C., I feel your pain with this situation.

I know how you feel about taking something from your NADA knowing full well it's

coming with a lot of unclaimed baggage attached to it.

Your image with IEDs is pretty funny! lol

It's sad to think to think so many responsabilities rested on your shoulders, at

such a young age. I am sorry you had to be a young adult, and not the kid/teen

you were supposed to be.

Your comment about not folding the towels right just brought up a memory of

mine.

I remember that my BP Mom totally lost it once, when she was supposed to 'teach

me' how to properly fold a sweater.

I must have been 10 years old then.

She was so miserable then, we had moved to a new house, in a new town, and just

couldn't adjust. And we paid the price dearly.

She kept slapping me, over & over & over again, because I didn't get it right,

and I couldn't fold a sweater exactly how she wanted.

When I look back, I think " oh yeah, sure it was abuse " . But it's still like it's

someone else's story in a way.

When I look back I think of it as a movie I watched, not like it was really my

life.

I have read many stories of abuse being perpetrated through housework chores. It

seems like there is something about cleaning and getting things 'just right'

that resonates with the BP need for control.

Just a theory...

I hope you can find the right balance with your NADA, C. It is the hardest thing

I think, to know how much we can let her in -*if* we can- in order to keep our

sanity.

Remember though, if she felt like lending your money when you needed it, it was

her decision. Unless your NADA specifically says " Hey Honey, here is some money

and if you accept it, I expect you to stay at my house during your next stay " ,

well the rules are she is just lending you cash to help you financially. PERIOD.

Don't let her emotional blackmail bring you down. Keep you head up high.

Good luck to you,

Coco

[Guest guest]

One of the problems is with money, and help of any sort. When we give

it to them, they fail to appreciate it, and demand more. Why, if you

can send me 100 dollars, surely you could have sent me 200? And taking

a 20 from them today will be heard, and brought up, for a lifetime. It

is never a gift; given with love, forgotten instantly. It is a

purchase.

Two illustrations. Once, nada was at my home and I was on the verge of

raging. ( This was before SWOE!) Money was the subject, and I pointed

out a few instances where I had given her money, or she had just taken

it. She stormed out, and came back in a little while, hurt, victimized,

with the exact amount of money I had pointed out to her. She gave it to

me with a flourish and a flounce, over my protests. And said, in a

parting snit, I ll never ask you for a dime again. ( What a lie!)

Within two weeks, she had " borrowed back " every cent, never to mention

it again.

Another time, I was unemployed. She came in for a visit. On the morning

she was to leave, as I was sitting at the table trying to figure out how

to stretch an unemployment check to feed 4 kids and keep roof over head,

she came and said I need $ 100 dollars for my trip back home. What?

You left for a trip without having the money for it. Knowing I m out of

work and trying to care for my family, you hit me for money I don t

have, in a Nada made crisis?

And of course, after I explained that I have no money, that I m trying

to survive, it was as if I had not spoken. She said, so are you going

to give me the money or not?

As far as she was concerned , I owed her anything she ever wanted as

payment for her labor pains.

Doug