I feel like I've taken 2 steps back

[Guest guest]

I've been maintaining LC with nada for about a year now and it's been really

nice. I like it!

Sometimes it feels like she respects our talking once a week and seeing each

other twice a month arrangement.   Esp now that my brother has moved a stone's

throw away from her, she has seemed less tense now that she has him and can run

over to his house. 

But the past few weeks---she's been bristling about our arrangement. I know that

shouldn't matter and that she doesn't need to " get " why I'm LC with her. I could

try to explain forever and she won't get it.   

Still, lately I've been feeling guilty, esp because I've seen her in the past

year really trying to abide by my boundaries regarding my kids and my home.  I

think it's THAT -- that she's been trying, that she's been behaving somewhat

better -- that makes me feel guilty, like I should bend a little, too.   You

know what I'm saying?

It felt like she and I were getting better and that she was really trying to

allow me my space and then she takes little digs at me when we talk and tells me

she's been discussing me with my brother and my brother -- who always tries to

talk to me about nada and how sick she is -- tries to triangulate, too. 

So those digs, etc., make me feel like I haven't been very fair and maybe I

should stop by more often, and take her grocery shopping, even though she turns

even that into an ordeal...

I just want to feel healthy, and keep my distance, but keep contact with her,

but just enough to have a relationship.  We were doing so well.  We were getting

together and laughing and enjoying our time and sharing meals.  It was unreal.

And now it feels, as I say, like I 've taken 2 steps back b/c I feel little

again, like I did something bad, and I need to get back into mommy's favor.

I'm just trying to sift through these feelings and keep my LC.  Help?

Fiona

[Guest guest]

Their only tool to try to get back into your life IS making you feel

guilty. They have no other tool. As soon as you let the guilt they inflict

impact you, and you give in to it, the ball is in their court again. They

will quickly begin overstepping boundaries you have had in place and WERE

bringing you peace. Don't give into the sharp comments intended to hurt you

and make u feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong! Nada is lucky you're in

her life at all! Stick by your boundaries. You absolutely need to guard

your heart. I know this to be factual......Have been fighting it for

decades.

Laurie

In a message dated 4/26/2012 9:08:45 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

hermitsdaughter@... writes:

I've been maintaining LC with nada for about a year now and it's been

really nice. I like it!

Sometimes it feels like she respects our talking once a week and seeing

each other twice a month arrangement. Esp now that my brother has moved a

stone's throw away from her, she has seemed less tense now that she has him

and can run over to his house.

But the past few weeks---she's been bristling about our arrangement. I

know that shouldn't matter and that she doesn't need to " get " why I'm LC with

her. I could try to explain forever and she won't get it.

Still, lately I've been feeling guilty, esp because I've seen her in the

past year really trying to abide by my boundaries regarding my kids and my

home. I think it's THAT -- that she's been trying, that she's been behaving

somewhat better -- that makes me feel guilty, like I should bend a little,

too. You know what I'm saying?

It felt like she and I were getting better and that she was really trying

to allow me my space and then she takes little digs at me when we talk and

tells me she's been discussing me with my brother and my brother -- who

always tries to talk to me about nada and how sick she is -- tries to

triangulate, too.

So those digs, etc., make me feel like I haven't been very fair and maybe

I should stop by more often, and take her grocery shopping, even though she

turns even that into an ordeal...

I just want to feel healthy, and keep my distance, but keep contact with

her, but just enough to have a relationship. We were doing so well. We

were getting together and laughing and enjoying our time and sharing meals.

It was unreal. And now it feels, as I say, like I 've taken 2 steps back b/c

I feel little again, like I did something bad, and I need to get back into

mommy's favor.

I'm just trying to sift through these feelings and keep my LC. Help?

Fiona

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Guest guest]

Their only tool to try to get back into your life IS making you feel

guilty. They have no other tool. As soon as you let the guilt they inflict

impact you, and you give in to it, the ball is in their court again. They

will quickly begin overstepping boundaries you have had in place and WERE

bringing you peace. Don't give into the sharp comments intended to hurt you

and make u feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong! Nada is lucky you're in

her life at all! Stick by your boundaries. You absolutely need to guard

your heart. I know this to be factual......Have been fighting it for

decades.

Laurie

In a message dated 4/26/2012 9:08:45 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

hermitsdaughter@... writes:

I've been maintaining LC with nada for about a year now and it's been

really nice. I like it!

Sometimes it feels like she respects our talking once a week and seeing

each other twice a month arrangement. Esp now that my brother has moved a

stone's throw away from her, she has seemed less tense now that she has him

and can run over to his house.

But the past few weeks---she's been bristling about our arrangement. I

know that shouldn't matter and that she doesn't need to " get " why I'm LC with

her. I could try to explain forever and she won't get it.

Still, lately I've been feeling guilty, esp because I've seen her in the

past year really trying to abide by my boundaries regarding my kids and my

home. I think it's THAT -- that she's been trying, that she's been behaving

somewhat better -- that makes me feel guilty, like I should bend a little,

too. You know what I'm saying?

It felt like she and I were getting better and that she was really trying

to allow me my space and then she takes little digs at me when we talk and

tells me she's been discussing me with my brother and my brother -- who

always tries to talk to me about nada and how sick she is -- tries to

triangulate, too.

So those digs, etc., make me feel like I haven't been very fair and maybe

I should stop by more often, and take her grocery shopping, even though she

turns even that into an ordeal...

I just want to feel healthy, and keep my distance, but keep contact with

her, but just enough to have a relationship. We were doing so well. We

were getting together and laughing and enjoying our time and sharing meals.

It was unreal. And now it feels, as I say, like I 've taken 2 steps back b/c

I feel little again, like I did something bad, and I need to get back into

mommy's favor.

I'm just trying to sift through these feelings and keep my LC. Help?

Fiona

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Guest guest]

Their only tool to try to get back into your life IS making you feel

guilty. They have no other tool. As soon as you let the guilt they inflict

impact you, and you give in to it, the ball is in their court again. They

will quickly begin overstepping boundaries you have had in place and WERE

bringing you peace. Don't give into the sharp comments intended to hurt you

and make u feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong! Nada is lucky you're in

her life at all! Stick by your boundaries. You absolutely need to guard

your heart. I know this to be factual......Have been fighting it for

decades.

Laurie

In a message dated 4/26/2012 9:08:45 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

hermitsdaughter@... writes:

I've been maintaining LC with nada for about a year now and it's been

really nice. I like it!

Sometimes it feels like she respects our talking once a week and seeing

each other twice a month arrangement. Esp now that my brother has moved a

stone's throw away from her, she has seemed less tense now that she has him

and can run over to his house.

But the past few weeks---she's been bristling about our arrangement. I

know that shouldn't matter and that she doesn't need to " get " why I'm LC with

her. I could try to explain forever and she won't get it.

Still, lately I've been feeling guilty, esp because I've seen her in the

past year really trying to abide by my boundaries regarding my kids and my

home. I think it's THAT -- that she's been trying, that she's been behaving

somewhat better -- that makes me feel guilty, like I should bend a little,

too. You know what I'm saying?

It felt like she and I were getting better and that she was really trying

to allow me my space and then she takes little digs at me when we talk and

tells me she's been discussing me with my brother and my brother -- who

always tries to talk to me about nada and how sick she is -- tries to

triangulate, too.

So those digs, etc., make me feel like I haven't been very fair and maybe

I should stop by more often, and take her grocery shopping, even though she

turns even that into an ordeal...

I just want to feel healthy, and keep my distance, but keep contact with

her, but just enough to have a relationship. We were doing so well. We

were getting together and laughing and enjoying our time and sharing meals.

It was unreal. And now it feels, as I say, like I 've taken 2 steps back b/c

I feel little again, like I did something bad, and I need to get back into

mommy's favor.

I'm just trying to sift through these feelings and keep my LC. Help?

Fiona

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Guest guest]

Annie, great reply.

In a message dated 4/26/2012 10:31:41 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

The guilt you are feeling is inappropriate and misplaced. Keep telling

yourself that. Your nada is testing you, like a toddler tests you, and tests

you, to see if the rules you've given the toddler are really firm or if she

can wiggle through them.

Your nada knows where your buttons are and can push them very effectively,

because she installed those buttons. She is probably very well aware that

guilt works REALLY well as a tool to manipulate you with, and is really

" working it " .

As with a toddler, its a power struggle. The toddler needs boundaries and

rules, but they resent them. Nada was used to *making* the rules, so she is

going to balk and resist being given rules, and will push, and push, and

push against them. Limited contact with boundaries is NOT easy.

If nada was behaving well earlier, really trying, then, that's great. But

if she is behaving badly *now* by zinging you with subtle digs or insults,

or using FOG against you, by triangulating your brother, then its time to

give a consequence. That's bad behavior, nada; you get a time out until you

can behave better, until you decide to play nice with others.

If you respond to nada's bad behavior by giving her more attention or more

of your time, you are rewarding her for doing exactly what you don't want

her to do. You are demonstrating to nada that its OK to mistreat you and

inflict guilt on you, and that it works! That doesn't make sense to reward

someone for behaving badly.

Just some ideas to think about.

(My nada was only able to be pleasant and not unleash her irritation and

criticisms for short periods of time. It must have been difficult for her,

like an acrobat walking on their hands. They can do it, but it requires a

lot of strength, effort and concentration and they can't keep it up

indefinitely, because its artificial.)

-Annie

>

> I've been maintaining LC with nada for about a year now and it's been

really nice. I like it!

>

> Sometimes it feels like she respects our talking once a week and seeing

each other twice a month arrangement. Esp now that my brother has moved a

stone's throw away from her, she has seemed less tense now that she has

him and can run over to his house.

>

> But the past few weeks---she's been bristling about our arrangement. I

know that shouldn't matter and that she doesn't need to " get " why I'm LC

with her. I could try to explain forever and she won't get it.

>

> Still, lately I've been feeling guilty, esp because I've seen her in the

past year really trying to abide by my boundaries regarding my kids and my

home. I think it's THAT -- that she's been trying, that she's been

behaving somewhat better -- that makes me feel guilty, like I should bend a

little, too. You know what I'm saying?

>

> It felt like she and I were getting better and that she was really

trying to allow me my space and then she takes little digs at me when we talk

and tells me she's been discussing me with my brother and my brother -- who

always tries to talk to me about nada and how sick she is -- tries to

triangulate, too.

>

> So those digs, etc., make me feel like I haven't been very fair and

maybe I should stop by more often, and take her grocery shopping, even though

she turns even that into an ordeal...

>

> I just want to feel healthy, and keep my distance, but keep contact with

her, but just enough to have a relationship. We were doing so well. We

were getting together and laughing and enjoying our time and sharing meals.

It was unreal. And now it feels, as I say, like I 've taken 2 steps back

b/c I feel little again, like I did something bad, and I need to get back

into mommy's favor.

>

> I'm just trying to sift through these feelings and keep my LC. Help?

>

> Fiona

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

[Guest guest]

thanks, guys. this is really good food for thought.

Laurie, yes, I do feel programmed to respond to guilt. It's so hard not to. But

you're right: if I give in to it, I'm actually rewarding it. that's a really

good point.

And Annie, I hadn't thought about it that way, that it might be time to give a

consequence until she can play nice. That's the thing I've noticed about nada

with HER foo: she never visits them. They live on another continent.

She likes to use my brother and me as an excuse for not visiting, that she's

afraid to travel alone. But she also doesn't want them visiting her. Her brother

jokingly mentioned it a while back and she went into a hysterical fit about how

she doesn't want anyone over.

So...she can have rules, that's ok. Her boundary is " don't come over...ever. "

But if I have rules, it's hard for her to tolerate.

thanks for your insights!!

Fiona

> >

> > I've been maintaining LC with nada for about a year now and it's been

> really nice. I like it!

> >

> > Sometimes it feels like she respects our talking once a week and seeing

> each other twice a month arrangement. Esp now that my brother has moved a

> stone's throw away from her, she has seemed less tense now that she has

> him and can run over to his house.

> >

> > But the past few weeks---she's been bristling about our arrangement. I

> know that shouldn't matter and that she doesn't need to " get " why I'm LC

> with her. I could try to explain forever and she won't get it.

> >

> > Still, lately I've been feeling guilty, esp because I've seen her in the

> past year really trying to abide by my boundaries regarding my kids and my

> home. I think it's THAT -- that she's been trying, that she's been

> behaving somewhat better -- that makes me feel guilty, like I should bend a

> little, too. You know what I'm saying?

> >

> > It felt like she and I were getting better and that she was really

> trying to allow me my space and then she takes little digs at me when we talk

> and tells me she's been discussing me with my brother and my brother -- who

> always tries to talk to me about nada and how sick she is -- tries to

> triangulate, too.

> >

> > So those digs, etc., make me feel like I haven't been very fair and

> maybe I should stop by more often, and take her grocery shopping, even though

> she turns even that into an ordeal...

> >

> > I just want to feel healthy, and keep my distance, but keep contact with

> her, but just enough to have a relationship. We were doing so well. We

> were getting together and laughing and enjoying our time and sharing meals.

> It was unreal. And now it feels, as I say, like I 've taken 2 steps back

> b/c I feel little again, like I did something bad, and I need to get back

> into mommy's favor.

> >

> > I'm just trying to sift through these feelings and keep my LC. Help?

> >

> > Fiona

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> >

>

>

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>

>

>

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