Guest guest Posted April 29, 2012 Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 My FADA contacted me last week. It's taken me over a decade to realize, process, and accept my loss of never really having a father. I'm still mourning, but trying to move on. Just when I think when I've come to accept it, he calls. He's been in therapy for years, and looks like he's starting to make progress. He's no longer idealizing his childhood. He even stated he understands why I don't contact him anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in some Zombie movie where the zombies occasionally turn back into people (if any of yooz make bank in movie using this idea, shoot a brother some luv ;-) I know from speaking with my mom and sis that he's still as batty as ever. My mom and him are getting a divorce. His good moments makes it hard to accept he's not really there. Despite myself, I find myself hoping. I told him I forgive him for everything. I feel that way now, b/c I'm finally having a fulfilling life with goods people in it. I no longer feel irreparably damaged. And that he did the best he could given his situation. But that I'm still angry at him. He was so happy to hear that and said so. And then proceeded to say " what can I say to make you feel better? " I got angry and said " you're not responsible for my emotions! They're my responsibility " . He took it well. We talked for a bit. He told me he can't stop agonizing over his messed up childhood, and it's tormenting him. He's trying to make the feeling go away, and is telling/advising me with all his mal adaptive coping strategies. I told him feelings don't work like that. His unsolicited advice drives me batty. B/c he's been using it his whole life and it doesn't work. He wanted to talk more about his grief. I told him " it's too painful for me to hear. Why do you think I pay therapists so much money to listen to me? " And also that " after I talk to him, I have a very hard time concentrating on work or being emotionally present with my social group " . I think he understood that. After dwelling on it for a few days. I called up some close friends after and told them " I just spoke with my dad, and I'm looking for a distraction. Tell me what's going on in your life. " I think I've unconsciously used this coping technique before. They were happy to open up about themselves, and I felt relief listening. I think children's preoccupation with the now makes them powerful sources and relief from grief and loss. I think part of BPD's realize this and get addicted to it to numb their pain. They numb it, but never learn to accept it. If I become a parent one day, my concern is I won't know how to navigate the emotionally boundaries regarding the pleasure I will have from kids. Like I said earlier, I feel like I'm stuck in some Zombie movie where the zombies sporadically turn back into people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 30, 2012 Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 , yep I hear ya about those reanimating zombies. I've often thought it would be easier if the personality disordered members of my family were just pure black hats all the time. It would hurt, but it would be easy and clear to walk away and cut them out of my life. It would be terrible and it would be simple and it would be done. But instead they have moments, glimmers of functioning better emotionally. But that is all it ever is...yet it is just enough to make it so very not simple. > > My FADA contacted me last week. It's taken me over a decade to realize, process, and accept my loss of never really having a father. I'm still mourning, but trying to move on. Just when I think when I've come to accept it, he calls. He's been in therapy for years, and looks like he's starting to make progress. He's no longer idealizing his childhood. He even stated he understands why I don't contact him anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in some Zombie movie where the zombies occasionally turn back into people (if any of yooz make bank in movie using this idea, shoot a brother some luv ;-) I know from speaking with my mom and sis that he's still as batty as ever. My mom and him are getting a divorce. His good moments makes it hard to accept he's not really there. Despite myself, I find myself hoping. > > I told him I forgive him for everything. I feel that way now, b/c I'm finally having a fulfilling life with goods people in it. I no longer feel irreparably damaged. And that he did the best he could given his situation. But that I'm still angry at him. He was so happy to hear that and said so. And then proceeded to say " what can I say to make you feel better? " I got angry and said " you're not responsible for my emotions! They're my responsibility " . He took it well. > > We talked for a bit. He told me he can't stop agonizing over his messed up childhood, and it's tormenting him. He's trying to make the feeling go away, and is telling/advising me with all his mal adaptive coping strategies. I told him feelings don't work like that. His unsolicited advice drives me batty. B/c he's been using it his whole life and it doesn't work. He wanted to talk more about his grief. I told him " it's too painful for me to hear. Why do you think I pay therapists so much money to listen to me? " And also that " after I talk to him, I have a very hard time concentrating on work or being emotionally present with my social group " . I think he understood that. > > After dwelling on it for a few days. I called up some close friends after and told them " I just spoke with my dad, and I'm looking for a distraction. Tell me what's going on in your life. " I think I've unconsciously used this coping technique before. They were happy to open up about themselves, and I felt relief listening. I think children's preoccupation with the now makes them powerful sources and relief from grief and loss. I think part of BPD's realize this and get addicted to it to numb their pain. They numb it, but never learn to accept it. If I become a parent one day, my concern is I won't know how to navigate the emotionally boundaries regarding the pleasure I will have from kids. > > Like I said earlier, I feel like I'm stuck in some Zombie movie where the zombies sporadically turn back into people. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 30, 2012 Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 , yep I hear ya about those reanimating zombies. I've often thought it would be easier if the personality disordered members of my family were just pure black hats all the time. It would hurt, but it would be easy and clear to walk away and cut them out of my life. It would be terrible and it would be simple and it would be done. But instead they have moments, glimmers of functioning better emotionally. But that is all it ever is...yet it is just enough to make it so very not simple. > > My FADA contacted me last week. It's taken me over a decade to realize, process, and accept my loss of never really having a father. I'm still mourning, but trying to move on. Just when I think when I've come to accept it, he calls. He's been in therapy for years, and looks like he's starting to make progress. He's no longer idealizing his childhood. He even stated he understands why I don't contact him anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in some Zombie movie where the zombies occasionally turn back into people (if any of yooz make bank in movie using this idea, shoot a brother some luv ;-) I know from speaking with my mom and sis that he's still as batty as ever. My mom and him are getting a divorce. His good moments makes it hard to accept he's not really there. Despite myself, I find myself hoping. > > I told him I forgive him for everything. I feel that way now, b/c I'm finally having a fulfilling life with goods people in it. I no longer feel irreparably damaged. And that he did the best he could given his situation. But that I'm still angry at him. He was so happy to hear that and said so. And then proceeded to say " what can I say to make you feel better? " I got angry and said " you're not responsible for my emotions! They're my responsibility " . He took it well. > > We talked for a bit. He told me he can't stop agonizing over his messed up childhood, and it's tormenting him. He's trying to make the feeling go away, and is telling/advising me with all his mal adaptive coping strategies. I told him feelings don't work like that. His unsolicited advice drives me batty. B/c he's been using it his whole life and it doesn't work. He wanted to talk more about his grief. I told him " it's too painful for me to hear. Why do you think I pay therapists so much money to listen to me? " And also that " after I talk to him, I have a very hard time concentrating on work or being emotionally present with my social group " . I think he understood that. > > After dwelling on it for a few days. I called up some close friends after and told them " I just spoke with my dad, and I'm looking for a distraction. Tell me what's going on in your life. " I think I've unconsciously used this coping technique before. They were happy to open up about themselves, and I felt relief listening. I think children's preoccupation with the now makes them powerful sources and relief from grief and loss. I think part of BPD's realize this and get addicted to it to numb their pain. They numb it, but never learn to accept it. If I become a parent one day, my concern is I won't know how to navigate the emotionally boundaries regarding the pleasure I will have from kids. > > Like I said earlier, I feel like I'm stuck in some Zombie movie where the zombies sporadically turn back into people. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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