struggling lately (long)

[Guest guest]

So I haven't been on as often, I'm up and down emotionally and physically with

this thyroid journey. And of course it is too big to hide and will go on too

long so I had to tell my nada and nadaunt. I had to cancel a trip to see them

over it. And now it is even harder to deal with them. They have a special

brand of how they act when they believe acting " supportive " is called for. But

it's like saccharine, nothing is really in it, and often it quickly turns to be

all about them. My aunt is now terrified that she has the disease I've been

diagnosed with. I swear I spend more time talking with her about her symptoms

and thinking she has it than it is about me. But I don't want to talk about me

with her anyway because she's all negative and catastrophizing. For example,

if I have a thyroidectomy there's a small chance that the dramatic shift in

thyroid hormones could literally make me psychotic. I told her I was scared

about this and she says yeah with our family's sensitivity to medical stuff that

would probably happen to *us*. As if she and I are both up for a

thyroidectomy? And what the hell kind of support is that saying yeah you

probably would have a psychotic break. Thanks. My mother had/has this damn

disease herself, she's the one who gave it to me but I've yet to hear an

apology. Maybe it's silly to want an apology for inheriting an awful disease

from a parent, but I still want one.

My mother in the meantime has been bizarrely cheerful and chipper ever since she

found out. She also changes the subject plenty but even when she doesn't it

feel like she doesn't give a shit. Like she's just reading lines from a book

entitled " How to Appear Supportive " and once she says her lines she abruptly

changes the subject to herself totally unaffected.

And I know...I know...I hear you all now saying WHY did you have to tell them?

I am on medications which dramatically affect how alert I sound and my mood,

they would notice the change over the phone. Also as my thyroid hormones

fluctuate it dramatically effects me as well. It will still be many weeks till

I have hope of getting stabilized. It was just too big to hide even

long-distance. I don't have anyone else in my real life - they are my next of

kin. It is terrifying. I just try to keep talking myself down off the mental

ledge that things might not get that bad and hopefully won't have to do surgery.

Still...feeling physically compromised makes me feel psychologically

compromised, weaker somehow in dealing with them and I don't like it.

Ah well, guess that was a long enough rant thanks for reading, any and all

support appreciated.

Eliza