Mother's Day / my search for a mom figure

[Guest guest]

I belong to a women's group that meets once a week and has helped me and

challenged me in my weakness of relating to others.  I'd say one of the more

difficult challenges for me to overcome from my childhood has been this

difficulty in connecting to others, in making friends and keeping them. I'm not

good at that.

So  on Friday night, one of the women said, " hey, next week, I thought it would

be fun to write poems and talk about our mothers or that woman in our lives who

was like a mother... "

Which is a lovely idea, really, but...as you all know...I really can't relate.

I've been thinking about that idea of women who were like mothers to me and I

realized that, from age 19 on, many of the female friendships I had were with

women much older than me.  I think I was starting to look for someone to be a

mom to me. And I also recall how much nada would mock these relationships. One

time, I went dress shopping with one of them and nada flipped out, making fun of

why I would go dress shopping with someone 30 years older than me.  

Looking back, I am thankful for each of them and have fond memories of each one,

but I was super surprised to realize---I never saw this before---how each of

these women was older, opinionated and controlling---like nada!   I realize now

that each of our relationships ended abruptly b/c they were very pushy or

insistent for me to be a certain way.  One of them kept calling me fat and

insisted I lose weight; another one was constantly putting me on the spot about

my husband's job; and the third one felt I was too attached to my parents and

would make comments about how i needed to spread my wings, even though I clearly

wasn't ready. Even though i would try to smooth out each of these situations and

somehow preserve the friendships in my people-pleasing way, each woman would

still bring up the sore spot I didn't like, so I stopped being in touch with

them. It was too painful for me.

It saddened me to see that I was drawn to people like nada.  It pisses me off

that I didn't see it at the time!  Only one wasn't like that and I have good

memories of her. Our relationship didn't last long b/c I went away to college

and she passed away, but I liked her very much. 

Anyway, I'm just sharing because I almost felt panicked on Friday night when

this idea came up of talking about mothers, for fear that the others will know

how lacking I am in this area, but I've decided I will be as honest as I

comfortably can be about it.

Fiona

[Guest guest]

That was a powerful insight you had about your search for a mother figure! It

is indeed uncanny how us adult kids of bpd mothers and/or fathers tend to

gravitate toward others who remind us of our parental relationship dynamic.

I've read that this is called " repetition compulsion " . We are seeking to have a

" do-over " but make the resolution turn out right this time, using the friend or

significant other as a substitute for our pd parent.

I think your search for a mother figure and your insight about it, is something

you could write about really well, or finding that one older friend who was most

like a good mother: kind and supportive to you, or even how you are learning to

mother yourself.

Be gentle with yourself, as Doug says, and only write and share if it feels

comfortable to you. Perhaps one of your fellow in-person group-members will be

able to relate to searching for " the good mother " in others and will resonate

with your share.

But if not, you know that we here can relate and understand.

-Annie

>

> I belong to a women's group that meets once a week and has helped me and

challenged me in my weakness of relating to others.  I'd say one of the more

difficult challenges for me to overcome from my childhood has been this

difficulty in connecting to others, in making friends and keeping them. I'm not

good at that.

>

> So  on Friday night, one of the women said, " hey, next week, I thought it

would be fun to write poems and talk about our mothers or that woman in our

lives who was like a mother... "

>

> Which is a lovely idea, really, but...as you all know...I really can't relate.

>

> I've been thinking about that idea of women who were like mothers to me and I

realized that, from age 19 on, many of the female friendships I had were with

women much older than me.  I think I was starting to look for someone to be a

mom to me. And I also recall how much nada would mock these relationships. One

time, I went dress shopping with one of them and nada flipped out, making fun of

why I would go dress shopping with someone 30 years older than me.  

>

> Looking back, I am thankful for each of them and have fond memories of each

one, but I was super surprised to realize---I never saw this before---how each

of these women was older, opinionated and controlling---like nada!   I realize

now that each of our relationships ended abruptly b/c they were very pushy or

insistent for me to be a certain way.  One of them kept calling me fat and

insisted I lose weight; another one was constantly putting me on the spot about

my husband's job; and the third one felt I was too attached to my parents and

would make comments about how i needed to spread my wings, even though I clearly

wasn't ready. Even though i would try to smooth out each of these situations and

somehow preserve the friendships in my people-pleasing way, each woman would

still bring up the sore spot I didn't like, so I stopped being in touch with

them. It was too painful for me.

>

> It saddened me to see that I was drawn to people like nada.  It pisses me off

that I didn't see it at the time!  Only one wasn't like that and I have good

memories of her. Our relationship didn't last long b/c I went away to college

and she passed away, but I liked her very much. 

>

> Anyway, I'm just sharing because I almost felt panicked on Friday night when

this idea came up of talking about mothers, for fear that the others will know

how lacking I am in this area, but I've decided I will be as honest as I

comfortably can be about it.

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

That was a powerful insight you had about your search for a mother figure! It

is indeed uncanny how us adult kids of bpd mothers and/or fathers tend to

gravitate toward others who remind us of our parental relationship dynamic.

I've read that this is called " repetition compulsion " . We are seeking to have a

" do-over " but make the resolution turn out right this time, using the friend or

significant other as a substitute for our pd parent.

I think your search for a mother figure and your insight about it, is something

you could write about really well, or finding that one older friend who was most

like a good mother: kind and supportive to you, or even how you are learning to

mother yourself.

Be gentle with yourself, as Doug says, and only write and share if it feels

comfortable to you. Perhaps one of your fellow in-person group-members will be

able to relate to searching for " the good mother " in others and will resonate

with your share.

But if not, you know that we here can relate and understand.

-Annie

>

> I belong to a women's group that meets once a week and has helped me and

challenged me in my weakness of relating to others.  I'd say one of the more

difficult challenges for me to overcome from my childhood has been this

difficulty in connecting to others, in making friends and keeping them. I'm not

good at that.

>

> So  on Friday night, one of the women said, " hey, next week, I thought it

would be fun to write poems and talk about our mothers or that woman in our

lives who was like a mother... "

>

> Which is a lovely idea, really, but...as you all know...I really can't relate.

>

> I've been thinking about that idea of women who were like mothers to me and I

realized that, from age 19 on, many of the female friendships I had were with

women much older than me.  I think I was starting to look for someone to be a

mom to me. And I also recall how much nada would mock these relationships. One

time, I went dress shopping with one of them and nada flipped out, making fun of

why I would go dress shopping with someone 30 years older than me.  

>

> Looking back, I am thankful for each of them and have fond memories of each

one, but I was super surprised to realize---I never saw this before---how each

of these women was older, opinionated and controlling---like nada!   I realize

now that each of our relationships ended abruptly b/c they were very pushy or

insistent for me to be a certain way.  One of them kept calling me fat and

insisted I lose weight; another one was constantly putting me on the spot about

my husband's job; and the third one felt I was too attached to my parents and

would make comments about how i needed to spread my wings, even though I clearly

wasn't ready. Even though i would try to smooth out each of these situations and

somehow preserve the friendships in my people-pleasing way, each woman would

still bring up the sore spot I didn't like, so I stopped being in touch with

them. It was too painful for me.

>

> It saddened me to see that I was drawn to people like nada.  It pisses me off

that I didn't see it at the time!  Only one wasn't like that and I have good

memories of her. Our relationship didn't last long b/c I went away to college

and she passed away, but I liked her very much. 

>

> Anyway, I'm just sharing because I almost felt panicked on Friday night when

this idea came up of talking about mothers, for fear that the others will know

how lacking I am in this area, but I've decided I will be as honest as I

comfortably can be about it.

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

That was a powerful insight you had about your search for a mother figure! It

is indeed uncanny how us adult kids of bpd mothers and/or fathers tend to

gravitate toward others who remind us of our parental relationship dynamic.

I've read that this is called " repetition compulsion " . We are seeking to have a

" do-over " but make the resolution turn out right this time, using the friend or

significant other as a substitute for our pd parent.

I think your search for a mother figure and your insight about it, is something

you could write about really well, or finding that one older friend who was most

like a good mother: kind and supportive to you, or even how you are learning to

mother yourself.

Be gentle with yourself, as Doug says, and only write and share if it feels

comfortable to you. Perhaps one of your fellow in-person group-members will be

able to relate to searching for " the good mother " in others and will resonate

with your share.

But if not, you know that we here can relate and understand.

-Annie

>

> I belong to a women's group that meets once a week and has helped me and

challenged me in my weakness of relating to others.  I'd say one of the more

difficult challenges for me to overcome from my childhood has been this

difficulty in connecting to others, in making friends and keeping them. I'm not

good at that.

>

> So  on Friday night, one of the women said, " hey, next week, I thought it

would be fun to write poems and talk about our mothers or that woman in our

lives who was like a mother... "

>

> Which is a lovely idea, really, but...as you all know...I really can't relate.

>

> I've been thinking about that idea of women who were like mothers to me and I

realized that, from age 19 on, many of the female friendships I had were with

women much older than me.  I think I was starting to look for someone to be a

mom to me. And I also recall how much nada would mock these relationships. One

time, I went dress shopping with one of them and nada flipped out, making fun of

why I would go dress shopping with someone 30 years older than me.  

>

> Looking back, I am thankful for each of them and have fond memories of each

one, but I was super surprised to realize---I never saw this before---how each

of these women was older, opinionated and controlling---like nada!   I realize

now that each of our relationships ended abruptly b/c they were very pushy or

insistent for me to be a certain way.  One of them kept calling me fat and

insisted I lose weight; another one was constantly putting me on the spot about

my husband's job; and the third one felt I was too attached to my parents and

would make comments about how i needed to spread my wings, even though I clearly

wasn't ready. Even though i would try to smooth out each of these situations and

somehow preserve the friendships in my people-pleasing way, each woman would

still bring up the sore spot I didn't like, so I stopped being in touch with

them. It was too painful for me.

>

> It saddened me to see that I was drawn to people like nada.  It pisses me off

that I didn't see it at the time!  Only one wasn't like that and I have good

memories of her. Our relationship didn't last long b/c I went away to college

and she passed away, but I liked her very much. 

>

> Anyway, I'm just sharing because I almost felt panicked on Friday night when

this idea came up of talking about mothers, for fear that the others will know

how lacking I am in this area, but I've decided I will be as honest as I

comfortably can be about it.

>

> Fiona

>

>