Obsessive need to rationalize/shame spiral

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I recently spoke with my SIL and she asked me if I did not think that it was

" selfish " of me to not be there for my mother when she put my father in a home.

I had gone mostly NC with her, because I just couldn't deal with her anymore,

but I still saw her in groups, with my bf at my side. But since my mother was

upset, my SIL had called me and said, " I think you're going to have to be there

for your mother on this one " to which I said, " I don't HAVE TO do anything. "

Then we went round and round for a while with her trying to bully me into

" supporting " my mother.

Anyway, so it was a week ago that that topic came up again and she called me

selfish (trying to say it in a nice way, but that is the word she used.) I find

that whenever I speak to a family member who tries to bully me into seeing my

mother or taking calls from her, it takes 2 or 3 weeks for me to recover from

it. I guess I can only call it a " shame spiral. "

I tend to get sick to my stomach. Then the chatter starts in my head, where I

defend myself over and over and over, explain myself, attack the person who

upset me. I start to waver on my stand and think maybe I should just give in

and crawl back to my mother and suck it up. I feel like I'm bad. I feel like I

just want to convince everyone that I am not a bad person. My brain goes, on

hyper alert, non-stop. It keeps me up at night and it is the first thing I

think about in the morning.

It feels like an OCD. I've tried telling myself " just stop! " but it doesn't

seem to help. I've tried filling my head with a song, tried breathing. I have

a therapist. Someone here suggested this web page and that seems to help:

http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail&artid=52

Overall, I think the length of these spirals is shrinking. Before I went NC, I

didn't spiral like this *in regards to my family* because I was doing what my

mother wanted. Overall, I have found the only time that I don't think

obsessively when this happens is when I work with kids at the domestic violence

shelter. It is a terrific relief to be free of these thoughts for a couple of

hours.

Do any of you struggle with this, and how do you deal with it? I feel like I'm

punishing myself endlessly, although intellectually, I believe that I have a

right to stay away from my mother.

Deanna

[Guest guest]

Yeah.  I go through the same thing.  It eats me up for about a week, and then

starts to fade by the end of the second.  I find I obsessively thinking about

it in the beginning and consider caving in.  But that feeling eventually

passes.  But until it does, I can't focus on the present.  I try to tell

myself it's ok to be " selfish " .  I have a lawyer friend with some similar

experiences who helps reinforce this message to myself.  I hope to one day be

able to tell it to myself and believe it. I find the less interaction I have

with the negative, the easier it gets to move on when it does happen.  Not

letting myself be exposed to it prevents reinforcing of those crappy messages,

so I occasionally just ignore them.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, April 30, 2012 3:36 PM

Subject: Obsessive need to rationalize/shame spiral

 

Hi all,

I recently spoke with my SIL and she asked me if I did not think that it was

" selfish " of me to not be there for my mother when she put my father in a home.

I had gone mostly NC with her, because I just couldn't deal with her anymore,

but I still saw her in groups, with my bf at my side. But since my mother was

upset, my SIL had called me and said, " I think you're going to have to be there

for your mother on this one " to which I said, " I don't HAVE TO do anything. "

Then we went round and round for a while with her trying to bully me into

" supporting " my mother.

Anyway, so it was a week ago that that topic came up again and she called me

selfish (trying to say it in a nice way, but that is the word she used.) I find

that whenever I speak to a family member who tries to bully me into seeing my

mother or taking calls from her, it takes 2 or 3 weeks for me to recover from

it. I guess I can only call it a " shame spiral. "

I tend to get sick to my stomach. Then the chatter starts in my head, where I

defend myself over and over and over, explain myself, attack the person who

upset me. I start to waver on my stand and think maybe I should just give in

and crawl back to my mother and suck it up. I feel like I'm bad. I feel like I

just want to convince everyone that I am not a bad person. My brain goes, on

hyper alert, non-stop. It keeps me up at night and it is the first thing I

think about in the morning.

It feels like an OCD. I've tried telling myself " just stop! " but it doesn't

seem to help. I've tried filling my head with a song, tried breathing. I have

a therapist. Someone here suggested this web page and that seems to help:

http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail&artid=52

Overall, I think the length of these spirals is shrinking. Before I went NC, I

didn't spiral like this *in regards to my family* because I was doing what my

mother wanted. Overall, I have found the only time that I don't think

obsessively when this happens is when I work with kids at the domestic violence

shelter. It is a terrific relief to be free of these thoughts for a couple of

hours.

Do any of you struggle with this, and how do you deal with it? I feel like I'm

punishing myself endlessly, although intellectually, I believe that I have a

right to stay away from my mother.

Deanna

[Guest guest]

I agree! Its assertive but polite; doesn't get much better than that!

Well done, CmeBfree!

-Annie

>

> " " Gee, SIL, I have these boundaries for a reason and you didn't live this life

being raised by this person, so you really can't presume to know if I am being

selfish or self preserving. That is your opinion but I am really feeling bullied

right now because I am not doing what YOU deem to be the right thing. "

>

> CmeBfree,

> that is BEAUTIFUL and really well-worded.