A Phone Conversation in Which I said No, to Her Majesty The Borderline Queen

[Guest guest]

What a breakthrough! :-) For the first time, I think, in my life, I actually

said, " No, " to " Her Majesty " AKA " Martyred Saint of the Universe " (nada). She

was so excited about two new eye surgeries that she'll have to have (She loves a

new illness or surgery!). She wanted me to drive her - but, she hasn't

scheduled them yet. I told her I don't know what my schedule will be. I

repeated this. Then, she said, " You just don't want to take me! " I replied,

" Exactly. " Then came: " You're cold-blooded! " I replied, " I'm just being

honest. " Her response: " OH, IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL IT NOW??!?!! I SHOULDN'T

HAVE TO PAY ANYONE TO TAKE ME WHEN I HAVE A DAUGHTER! AS LITTLE AS I ASK OF

YOU! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TO TAKE ME TO THE DOCTOR! THAT JUST HURTS

MY FEELINGS TERRIBLY!!! " I had suggested a wonderful lady I know who is a CNA,

and gave " Her Majesty " the phone number. Then, the response from the poor,

forlorn, neglected nada was: " I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TEN DOLLARS AN

HOUR WHEN I'VE GOT A DAUGHTER! DAMMIT, I'D RATHER PAY MY FRIEND SO-AND-SO TO DO

IT!!! " I said, " Well, I'm sure you can solve your problems. " She just repeated

a few more times: " I AM DISAPPOINTED. I AM DISAPPOINTED. " So, I said, " Well,

I hope all goes well for you. I hope you have a good night. Bye, bye. "

I journalled a bit about the convo, and I felt wonderful. That was the first

time in my life that I could say " no " without feeling like I would die of guilt,

I could just calmly, tell the truth without excuses. And, I actually, felt calm

as a cucumber the whole time! I just wanted to share that, because I feel so

free from all that past hell of guilt and getting nowhere with her. I feel like

I've changed internally. I am getting real results from the therapy I'm doing

and the books I'm reading, and the exercises they suggest. LOL. I guess this

conversation with her tonight was really the " acid test. " :-) YAY! :-)

[Guest guest]

I love it! That is amazing, and encouraging to the rest of us. Thanks so

much for sharing! This is exactly what I fantasize about when I think about

standing up for myself to fada.

> **

>

>

> What a breakthrough! :-) For the first time, I think, in my life, I

> actually said, " No, " to " Her Majesty " AKA " Martyred Saint of the Universe "

> (nada). She was so excited about two new eye surgeries that she'll have to

> have (She loves a new illness or surgery!). She wanted me to drive her -

> but, she hasn't scheduled them yet. I told her I don't know what my

> schedule will be. I repeated this. Then, she said, " You just don't want to

> take me! " I replied, " Exactly. " Then came: " You're cold-blooded! " I

> replied, " I'm just being honest. " Her response: " OH, IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL

> IT NOW??!?!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY ANYONE TO TAKE ME WHEN I HAVE A

> DAUGHTER! AS LITTLE AS I ASK OF YOU! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TO

> TAKE ME TO THE DOCTOR! THAT JUST HURTS MY FEELINGS TERRIBLY!!! " I had

> suggested a wonderful lady I know who is a CNA, and gave " Her Majesty " the

> phone number. Then, the response from the poor, forlorn, neglected nada

> was: " I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR WHEN I'VE GOT A

> DAUGHTER! DAMMIT, I'D RATHER PAY MY FRIEND SO-AND-SO TO DO IT!!! " I said,

> " Well, I'm sure you can solve your problems. " She just repeated a few more

> times: " I AM DISAPPOINTED. I AM DISAPPOINTED. " So, I said, " Well, I hope

> all goes well for you. I hope you have a good night. Bye, bye. "

>

> I journalled a bit about the convo, and I felt wonderful. That was the

> first time in my life that I could say " no " without feeling like I would

> die of guilt, I could just calmly, tell the truth without excuses. And, I

> actually, felt calm as a cucumber the whole time! I just wanted to share

> that, because I feel so free from all that past hell of guilt and getting

> nowhere with her. I feel like I've changed internally. I am getting real

> results from the therapy I'm doing and the books I'm reading, and the

> exercises they suggest. LOL. I guess this conversation with her tonight was

> really the " acid test. " :-) YAY! :-)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I love it! That is amazing, and encouraging to the rest of us. Thanks so

much for sharing! This is exactly what I fantasize about when I think about

standing up for myself to fada.

> **

>

>

> What a breakthrough! :-) For the first time, I think, in my life, I

> actually said, " No, " to " Her Majesty " AKA " Martyred Saint of the Universe "

> (nada). She was so excited about two new eye surgeries that she'll have to

> have (She loves a new illness or surgery!). She wanted me to drive her -

> but, she hasn't scheduled them yet. I told her I don't know what my

> schedule will be. I repeated this. Then, she said, " You just don't want to

> take me! " I replied, " Exactly. " Then came: " You're cold-blooded! " I

> replied, " I'm just being honest. " Her response: " OH, IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL

> IT NOW??!?!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY ANYONE TO TAKE ME WHEN I HAVE A

> DAUGHTER! AS LITTLE AS I ASK OF YOU! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TO

> TAKE ME TO THE DOCTOR! THAT JUST HURTS MY FEELINGS TERRIBLY!!! " I had

> suggested a wonderful lady I know who is a CNA, and gave " Her Majesty " the

> phone number. Then, the response from the poor, forlorn, neglected nada

> was: " I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR WHEN I'VE GOT A

> DAUGHTER! DAMMIT, I'D RATHER PAY MY FRIEND SO-AND-SO TO DO IT!!! " I said,

> " Well, I'm sure you can solve your problems. " She just repeated a few more

> times: " I AM DISAPPOINTED. I AM DISAPPOINTED. " So, I said, " Well, I hope

> all goes well for you. I hope you have a good night. Bye, bye. "

>

> I journalled a bit about the convo, and I felt wonderful. That was the

> first time in my life that I could say " no " without feeling like I would

> die of guilt, I could just calmly, tell the truth without excuses. And, I

> actually, felt calm as a cucumber the whole time! I just wanted to share

> that, because I feel so free from all that past hell of guilt and getting

> nowhere with her. I feel like I've changed internally. I am getting real

> results from the therapy I'm doing and the books I'm reading, and the

> exercises they suggest. LOL. I guess this conversation with her tonight was

> really the " acid test. " :-) YAY! :-)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I love it! That is amazing, and encouraging to the rest of us. Thanks so

much for sharing! This is exactly what I fantasize about when I think about

standing up for myself to fada.

> **

>

>

> What a breakthrough! :-) For the first time, I think, in my life, I

> actually said, " No, " to " Her Majesty " AKA " Martyred Saint of the Universe "

> (nada). She was so excited about two new eye surgeries that she'll have to

> have (She loves a new illness or surgery!). She wanted me to drive her -

> but, she hasn't scheduled them yet. I told her I don't know what my

> schedule will be. I repeated this. Then, she said, " You just don't want to

> take me! " I replied, " Exactly. " Then came: " You're cold-blooded! " I

> replied, " I'm just being honest. " Her response: " OH, IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL

> IT NOW??!?!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY ANYONE TO TAKE ME WHEN I HAVE A

> DAUGHTER! AS LITTLE AS I ASK OF YOU! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TO

> TAKE ME TO THE DOCTOR! THAT JUST HURTS MY FEELINGS TERRIBLY!!! " I had

> suggested a wonderful lady I know who is a CNA, and gave " Her Majesty " the

> phone number. Then, the response from the poor, forlorn, neglected nada

> was: " I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR WHEN I'VE GOT A

> DAUGHTER! DAMMIT, I'D RATHER PAY MY FRIEND SO-AND-SO TO DO IT!!! " I said,

> " Well, I'm sure you can solve your problems. " She just repeated a few more

> times: " I AM DISAPPOINTED. I AM DISAPPOINTED. " So, I said, " Well, I hope

> all goes well for you. I hope you have a good night. Bye, bye. "

>

> I journalled a bit about the convo, and I felt wonderful. That was the

> first time in my life that I could say " no " without feeling like I would

> die of guilt, I could just calmly, tell the truth without excuses. And, I

> actually, felt calm as a cucumber the whole time! I just wanted to share

> that, because I feel so free from all that past hell of guilt and getting

> nowhere with her. I feel like I've changed internally. I am getting real

> results from the therapy I'm doing and the books I'm reading, and the

> exercises they suggest. LOL. I guess this conversation with her tonight was

> really the " acid test. " :-) YAY! :-)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can " hear " how empowered you are feeling in your post; that is awesome! That

is quite a breakthrough, and quite an achievement, to be sure! It takes a lot

of courage to finally just set a reasonable, ordinary adult boundary for

yourself, with a parent who has trained you from birth to blindly obey them,

like a robot. I am so happy for you! Big virtual high five from me!

)))))SMAK!(((((

-Annie

>

> What a breakthrough! :-) For the first time, I think, in my life, I actually

said, " No, " to " Her Majesty " AKA " Martyred Saint of the Universe " (nada). She

was so excited about two new eye surgeries that she'll have to have (She loves a

new illness or surgery!). She wanted me to drive her - but, she hasn't

scheduled them yet. I told her I don't know what my schedule will be. I

repeated this. Then, she said, " You just don't want to take me! " I replied,

" Exactly. " Then came: " You're cold-blooded! " I replied, " I'm just being

honest. " Her response: " OH, IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL IT NOW??!?!! I SHOULDN'T

HAVE TO PAY ANYONE TO TAKE ME WHEN I HAVE A DAUGHTER! AS LITTLE AS I ASK OF

YOU! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TO TAKE ME TO THE DOCTOR! THAT JUST HURTS

MY FEELINGS TERRIBLY!!! " I had suggested a wonderful lady I know who is a CNA,

and gave " Her Majesty " the phone number. Then, the response from the poor,

forlorn, neglected nada was: " I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TEN DOLLARS AN

HOUR WHEN I'VE GOT A DAUGHTER! DAMMIT, I'D RATHER PAY MY FRIEND SO-AND-SO TO DO

IT!!! " I said, " Well, I'm sure you can solve your problems. " She just repeated

a few more times: " I AM DISAPPOINTED. I AM DISAPPOINTED. " So, I said, " Well,

I hope all goes well for you. I hope you have a good night. Bye, bye. "

>

> I journalled a bit about the convo, and I felt wonderful. That was the first

time in my life that I could say " no " without feeling like I would die of guilt,

I could just calmly, tell the truth without excuses. And, I actually, felt calm

as a cucumber the whole time! I just wanted to share that, because I feel so

free from all that past hell of guilt and getting nowhere with her. I feel like

I've changed internally. I am getting real results from the therapy I'm doing

and the books I'm reading, and the exercises they suggest. LOL. I guess this

conversation with her tonight was really the " acid test. " :-) YAY! :-)

>

[Guest guest]

What strikes me about the conversation is the attitude of entitlement on your

Nada's part, as though having a daughter is equal to having an indentured

servant. After the comment, " I shouldn't have to pay $10. when I have a

daughter, " the question was resounding in my head, " What ever gave you that

idea? Where did that belief come from? I've never read anything like that

anywhere. "

Good on you for standing your ground. KOs are not servants. We are not on-call

domestic help. But we have parents who would like to believe it. Keep the

boundaries strong.

AFB

[Guest guest]

What strikes me about the conversation is the attitude of entitlement on your

Nada's part, as though having a daughter is equal to having an indentured

servant. After the comment, " I shouldn't have to pay $10. when I have a

daughter, " the question was resounding in my head, " What ever gave you that

idea? Where did that belief come from? I've never read anything like that

anywhere. "

Good on you for standing your ground. KOs are not servants. We are not on-call

domestic help. But we have parents who would like to believe it. Keep the

boundaries strong.

AFB

[Guest guest]

What strikes me about the conversation is the attitude of entitlement on your

Nada's part, as though having a daughter is equal to having an indentured

servant. After the comment, " I shouldn't have to pay $10. when I have a

daughter, " the question was resounding in my head, " What ever gave you that

idea? Where did that belief come from? I've never read anything like that

anywhere. "

Good on you for standing your ground. KOs are not servants. We are not on-call

domestic help. But we have parents who would like to believe it. Keep the

boundaries strong.

AFB

[Guest guest]

THanks a bunch for your response!  That is truly helpful.  I had  not even

thought about the sense of entitlement issue.  However, I have realized that I

was/am supposed to be the family servant, nada's lady in waiting, her

handmaiden, perpetual caregiver,etc., etc.  I appreciate the insights, and I

will definitely remember them! :-)  Thanks again, AFB

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, May 1, 2012 9:08 AM

Subject: Re: A Phone Conversation in Which I said " No, " to

" Her Majesty " The Borderline Queen

What strikes me about the conversation is the attitude of entitlement on your

Nada's part, as though having a daughter is equal to having an indentured

servant. After the comment, " I shouldn't have to pay $10. when I have a

daughter, " the question was resounding in my head, " What ever gave you that

idea? Where did that belief come from? I've never read anything like that

anywhere. "

Good on you for standing your ground. KOs are not servants. We are not on-call

domestic help. But we have parents who would like to believe it. Keep the

boundaries strong.

AFB

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

THanks a bunch for your response!  That is truly helpful.  I had  not even

thought about the sense of entitlement issue.  However, I have realized that I

was/am supposed to be the family servant, nada's lady in waiting, her

handmaiden, perpetual caregiver,etc., etc.  I appreciate the insights, and I

will definitely remember them! :-)  Thanks again, AFB

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, May 1, 2012 9:08 AM

Subject: Re: A Phone Conversation in Which I said " No, " to

" Her Majesty " The Borderline Queen

What strikes me about the conversation is the attitude of entitlement on your

Nada's part, as though having a daughter is equal to having an indentured

servant. After the comment, " I shouldn't have to pay $10. when I have a

daughter, " the question was resounding in my head, " What ever gave you that

idea? Where did that belief come from? I've never read anything like that

anywhere. "

Good on you for standing your ground. KOs are not servants. We are not on-call

domestic help. But we have parents who would like to believe it. Keep the

boundaries strong.

AFB

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

THanks a bunch for your response!  That is truly helpful.  I had  not even

thought about the sense of entitlement issue.  However, I have realized that I

was/am supposed to be the family servant, nada's lady in waiting, her

handmaiden, perpetual caregiver,etc., etc.  I appreciate the insights, and I

will definitely remember them! :-)  Thanks again, AFB

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, May 1, 2012 9:08 AM

Subject: Re: A Phone Conversation in Which I said " No, " to

" Her Majesty " The Borderline Queen

What strikes me about the conversation is the attitude of entitlement on your

Nada's part, as though having a daughter is equal to having an indentured

servant. After the comment, " I shouldn't have to pay $10. when I have a

daughter, " the question was resounding in my head, " What ever gave you that

idea? Where did that belief come from? I've never read anything like that

anywhere. "

Good on you for standing your ground. KOs are not servants. We are not on-call

domestic help. But we have parents who would like to believe it. Keep the

boundaries strong.

AFB

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)