Moving back home to nada after another year of school... (Rant)

April 30, 2012

It's only been two days. I didn't come back right after exams because I had

pneumonia - I was here for one day before I remembered what it's like, and that

is not an environment to get healthy in. And its already so tense in the house

you can feel it... And she's been pulling her usual stunts and more.

Move in day (Saturday) was great. This is probably the biggest problem for me -

I get my hopes up all the time when she has moments of sanity. We spent the

night together, she slept in my room [she hasn't slept in her own for " 20 years "

(actually time about 5 years), the reason is now " adult reasons " but its been

many others...]. We had a great night, watched a movie, and I taught her a whole

lot on the computer; which she used to be pretty good at but couldn't play a

song on her own iTunes without my help. It's like all of a sudden she's moving

backwards.

The next day I had to finish up fixing some things at my house that I was moving

out of. Me and my dad went, we asked my mom to come in the morning but she just

said no. We taught her how to play the CD she was upset about not having a CD

player for in the DVD player, we set up her recorded TV shows, made her a tea

and sat her down. She's having a lot of health problems (this is the usual for

some reason I've read?), such as knee problems, back problems, fibromyalgia,

migraines, she just recovered from seizures, is a cancer surviver, etc etc. We

wanted her to sit down and relax after such a big day of moving the day before.

When we come back, she's cleaned the entire living room, and moved everything of

mine up into my room (which we had discussed could wait... Im not mad but that

would be a lot of work for one little person!), except for a tarp I filled up

with shoes and coats from the front closet (no organizational skills) because

that was too heavy.

We told her it looked amazing as soon as we got home about 2.5 hours later - it

really did which is unusual for her. We asked why she didn't relax, and she

replied it needed to be done. This quickly escalated. My dad had ONE beer while

we were quickly painting a wall and fixing a window, and we went home as soon as

the landlord did the inspection of my room - not fun stuff. She was mad about

the time me and my dad spent together, that he got me and she doesn't get me and

I never open up to her, when I do its fake, all the rest. Me and my dad attempt

to be calm as we were talking about distorted thinking earlier, in regards to me

in some aspects and how an online CBT program was really interesting. We've

touched on borderline before but he doesn't seem so open about talking about

these kinds things, which is why I've suffered the worst of a lot my moms

disorder taking care of her sicknesses while my dad was out working. As soon as

we were acting calm my mom acted as if we were talking behind her back, teaming

up on her, accused my dad of texting my best friend to hook up with her when I

had borrowed his phone and telling me only Apple will tell her the truth... Once

again, the list goes on. I dont think I've ever seen her blow up like this, it

was basically a laundry list of every single thing in her life that was wrong

and why she's suffering and accusing everyone around her. If there's such a

thing as a borderline attack... I think that was it!

Kidding aside, it really hurt to hear my mom talking the way she was about

everyone. I see how much she's hurting everyone around her, and me with her

comments on how I'm living the 'high life' up at college (I've lost 50 lbs in

the past 6 months... I bought a few pairs of pants at a thrift store because

nothing stayed up), how her living room was only ever nice in her life when my

decorations were still in it... which are things that she bought me. She's

calling everyone names, as usual.

I decide I've had enough when she starts getting personal for me. My dad asked

me to stick around once already when I just wanted to retreat and I can tell he

really wants to work things out, but I cant sit there and let her hurt me. I

spent the night up in my room, with my best friend (the one she thought was

texting my dad, it didn't even cross my mind it would bother her that I didn't

realize it did when we didn't see her all night, she usually loves hanging out

with my friends). This morning she had a doctors appointment that she told me

was a double for me as I need to see the doctor, and then when we get in the car

the rage starts again, as it ALWAYS does on the way to the doctor. Does this

happen to anyone else? Anyways, my dad came because he was feeling sick, and

couldn't stay long enough to see the doctor before leaving pissed off and

walking halfway across the city to do banking.

My mom storms in and out of the doctors office multiple times, I dont chase

after her once. When the doctor came she had been missing for about 15 minutes

so I talked to him about what I needed to, when a call comes from the front

nurse asking if my mom can come in. She throws a scene about how I was supposed

to let her know, yada yada. I let her see the doctor and wait in the car. Half

hour later she shows up saying she will not get in the car with me because I'm

in a condition. These two episodes I've mentioned family counselling and she

refused, saying she's seeing a psychologist (she's been " on the list " for one

for the past 20 years). Finally in the car on the way to the doctors she breaks

down and screams that she'll go because obviously I have deep mental issues and

need to seek professional help. Because I brought it up calmly, I was the one in

the condition? Its crazy the things she makes my fault. My fault they have

problems, my fault her parents dont like her, my fault they fight, my fault she

didn't get enough time in the doctors, my fault my dad didn't get to see him,

anything. When I asked why she was shouting, calmly, she said it was because the

music was two loud, maybe 3 clicks up.

Halfway to the mall my dad walked to, which is a 10 minute drive or hour walk

from home, my mom starts threatening getting out at a red light. I take the long

way, avoiding reds, and get all the way to the mall before she finally finds a

stop sign in between her complaints and stepped right out of the car right in

front of an SUV, at a stop sign. Im about 25 seconds away from where my dad is

so I go get him at the bank, and we drive around the parking lot 10 times and go

in the coffee shop she's usually in, and don't find her. It starts raining and

my dad doesn't feel like going in the mall but we figure she isn't out in the

rain and drive home. I just came inside and cooled off for a little and then

went out shopping for some DIY supplies for something to do in my room that I

like, other than the computer. Until I get better Im kind of stuck here. When I

do, I can start job searching for something full time in the summer, even temp,

just to be out of the house and make money for myself so this doesn't happen

again. I know I have to tell myself this isn't personal, but I do find I have

picked up some of the approval seeking personality of hers - always looking for

it from her but obviously not getting it as she has been in a different place

for a long time.

I know this is extremely long, I'm not sure what kind of replies I'm looking for

here, I just wanted to vent and possibly be heard by people who understand what

this is like. As much as some people in my life try it seems they wont ever

fully understand, although the better ones do make an effort which is hopeful!

I got a referral for a Catholic family counselling service from my doctor,

although it does charge a little bit and I was hoping we could find some free or

close to free community counselling. I also identify as an atheist and my mother

as catholic so I do think that this may bring up whole new problems. I want to

do some research about in the area, but I just wanted to get all this out first.

Thanks guys

May 1, 2012

Oh my. You really got hit with a whole load of relatively common

nada behavior at once. You're right that that's not a good

environment to get healthy in, but hopefully you'll be able to

get yourself healthy again despite your nada's behavior. It

sounds like you need to set some boundaries and figure out what

steps you can take to minimize interacting with her. You can't

change her behavior, but you can change how you react to her.

Keep reminding yourself that it isn't personal. I find that

seeing my nada as a rather pathetic mentally ill person rather

than as someone who is attacking me personally helps me to stay

calm when dealing with her. Realize that you can't prevent her

from doing stupid things. If she wants to get out of the car at

a red light, I'd recommend letting her as long as it isn't going

to get her killed. That's her choice. Let her deal with having

to walk an hour home. Nada's often like to make threats of

various sorts. If you call her bluff on things like that, she

may eventually see that her behavior isn't getting the results

she's hoping for.

One thing that raises a red flag with me is your mention of how

she usually likes hanging out with your friends. I'd put a stop

to having her hang out with you and your friends. My nada used

to try to be friends with my friends until I decided to stop

introducing her to them after she slept with a few of them,

including one who is married. Hanging out with their children's

friends seems to be common nada-behavior. I think it is

partially fueled by their inability to see their children as

separate people and their desire to take over pieces of our

lives. You need to have friends who are *your* friends, who

aren't going to be tricked into being your nada's flying monkees

and who will listen sympathetically to your problems when you

need someone to talk to. You don't need friends who might be

used against you by your nada. Even good people can be used by a

nada. People with no experience with BPD can have the wool

pulled over their eyes completely and can be convinced to do or

say things that aren't good for you because they believe the

lies they're told by the " nice " mother who claims to only be

concerned with her child's welfare.

At 11:31 PM 04/30/2012 kellsident wrote:

>It's only been two days. I didn't come back right after exams

>because I had pneumonia - I was here for one day before I

>remembered what it's like, and that is not an environment to

>get healthy in. And its already so tense in the house you can

>feel it... And she's been pulling her usual stunts and more.

>

>Move in day (Saturday) was great. This is probably the biggest

>problem for me - I get my hopes up all the time when she has

>moments of sanity. We spent the night together, she slept in my

>room [she hasn't slept in her own for " 20 years " (actually time

>about 5 years), the reason is now " adult reasons " but its been

>many others...]. We had a great night, watched a movie, and I

>taught her a whole lot on the computer; which she used to be

>pretty good at but couldn't play a song on her own iTunes

>without my help. It's like all of a sudden she's moving

>backwards.

>

>The next day I had to finish up fixing some things at my house

>that I was moving out of. Me and my dad went, we asked my mom

>to come in the morning but she just said no. We taught her how

>to play the CD she was upset about not having a CD player for

>in the DVD player, we set up her recorded TV shows, made her a

>tea and sat her down. She's having a lot of health problems

>(this is the usual for some reason I've read?), such as knee

>problems, back problems, fibromyalgia, migraines, she just

>recovered from seizures, is a cancer surviver, etc etc. We

>wanted her to sit down and relax after such a big day of moving

>the day before. When we come back, she's cleaned the entire

>living room, and moved everything of mine up into my room

>(which we had discussed could wait... Im not mad but that would

>be a lot of work for one little person!), except for a tarp I

>filled up with shoes and coats from the front closet (no

>organizational skills) because that was too heavy.

>

>We told her it looked amazing as soon as we got home about 2.5

>hours later - it really did which is unusual for her. We asked

>why she didn't relax, and she replied it needed to be done.

>This quickly escalated. My dad had ONE beer while we were

>quickly painting a wall and fixing a window, and we went home

>as soon as the landlord did the inspection of my room - not fun

>stuff. She was mad about the time me and my dad spent together,

>that he got me and she doesn't get me and I never open up to

>her, when I do its fake, all the rest. Me and my dad attempt to

>be calm as we were talking about distorted thinking earlier, in

>regards to me in some aspects and how an online CBT program was

>really interesting. We've touched on borderline before but he

>doesn't seem so open about talking about these kinds things,

>which is why I've suffered the worst of a lot my moms disorder

>taking care of her sicknesses while my dad was out working. As

>soon as we were acting calm my mom acted as if we were talking

>behind her back, teaming up on her, accused my dad of texting

>my best friend to hook up with her when I had borrowed his

>phone and telling me only Apple will tell her the truth... Once

>again, the list goes on. I dont think I've ever seen her blow

>up like this, it was basically a laundry list of every single

>thing in her life that was wrong and why she's suffering and

>accusing everyone around her. If there's such a thing as a

>borderline attack... I think that was it!

>

>Kidding aside, it really hurt to hear my mom talking the way

>she was about everyone. I see how much she's hurting everyone

>around her, and me with her comments on how I'm living the

>'high life' up at college (I've lost 50 lbs in the past 6

>months... I bought a few pairs of pants at a thrift store

>because nothing stayed up), how her living room was only ever

>nice in her life when my decorations were still in it... which

>are things that she bought me. She's calling everyone names, as

>usual.

>

>I decide I've had enough when she starts getting personal for

>me. My dad asked me to stick around once already when I just

>wanted to retreat and I can tell he really wants to work things

>out, but I cant sit there and let her hurt me. I spent the

>night up in my room, with my best friend (the one she thought

>was texting my dad, it didn't even cross my mind it would

>bother her that I didn't realize it did when we didn't see her

>all night, she usually loves hanging out with my friends). This

>morning she had a doctors appointment that she told me was a

>double for me as I need to see the doctor, and then when we get

>in the car the rage starts again, as it ALWAYS does on the way

>to the doctor. Does this happen to anyone else? Anyways, my dad

>came because he was feeling sick, and couldn't stay long enough

>to see the doctor before leaving pissed off and walking halfway

>across the city to do banking.

>

>My mom storms in and out of the doctors office multiple times,

>I dont chase after her once. When the doctor came she had been

>missing for about 15 minutes so I talked to him about what I

>needed to, when a call comes from the front nurse asking if my

>mom can come in. She throws a scene about how I was supposed to

>let her know, yada yada. I let her see the doctor and wait in

>the car. Half hour later she shows up saying she will not get

>in the car with me because I'm in a condition. These two

>episodes I've mentioned family counselling and she refused,

>saying she's seeing a psychologist (she's been " on the list "

>for one for the past 20 years). Finally in the car on the way

>to the doctors she breaks down and screams that she'll go

>because obviously I have deep mental issues and need to seek

>professional help. Because I brought it up calmly, I was the

>one in the condition? Its crazy the things she makes my fault.

>My fault they have problems, my fault her parents dont like

>her, my fault they fight, my fault she didn't get enough time

>in the doctors, my fault my dad didn't get to see him,

>anything. When I asked why she was shouting, calmly, she said

>it was because the music was two loud, maybe 3 clicks up.

>

>Halfway to the mall my dad walked to, which is a 10 minute

>drive or hour walk from home, my mom starts threatening getting

>out at a red light. I take the long way, avoiding reds, and get

>all the way to the mall before she finally finds a stop sign in

>between her complaints and stepped right out of the car right

>in front of an SUV, at a stop sign. Im about 25 seconds away

>from where my dad is so I go get him at the bank, and we drive

>around the parking lot 10 times and go in the coffee shop she's

>usually in, and don't find her. It starts raining and my dad

>doesn't feel like going in the mall but we figure she isn't out

>in the rain and drive home. I just came inside and cooled off

>for a little and then went out shopping for some DIY supplies

>for something to do in my room that I like, other than the

>computer. Until I get better Im kind of stuck here. When I do,

>I can start job searching for something full time in the

>summer, even temp, just to be out of the house and make money

>for myself so this doesn't happen again. I know I have to tell

>myself this isn't personal, but I do find I have picked up some

>of the approval seeking personality of hers - always looking

>for it from her but obviously not getting it as she has been in

>a different place for a long time.

>

>I know this is extremely long, I'm not sure what kind of

>replies I'm looking for here, I just wanted to vent and

>possibly be heard by people who understand what this is like.

>As much as some people in my life try it seems they wont ever

>fully understand, although the better ones do make an effort

>which is hopeful!

>

>I got a referral for a Catholic family counselling service from

>my doctor, although it does charge a little bit and I was

>hoping we could find some free or close to free community

>counselling. I also identify as an atheist and my mother as

>catholic so I do think that this may bring up whole new

>problems. I want to do some research about in the area, but I

>just wanted to get all this out first.

>

>Thanks guys

>

--

Katrina

May 1, 2012