Mother's Day crap

[Guest guest]

I was talking to a bunch of other moms my age (40's), about Mother's day coming

up. I mentioned that I didn't want to see mine. They all jumped on me, of

course. Saying things like, " How would you feel if your daughter didn't want to

see you when you were older? " and " Think of all the things your mother's done

for you. "

And all I think is: If I treated my daughter the way she treated me, then my

daughter SHOULDN'T want to see me ever again. I would be so mortified at myself

that I wouldn't even be able to face her anyway.

And I do think of all the things she did, every day. Every day I struggle with

the physical and exhausting effort of raising a toddler, and think, well, nada

did this at least. This is when I am trying to forgive her and let go of anger.

But I also look at my daughter and feel love, and I think every day that my nada

wasn't able to do that. I think of the evil mean belittling humiliating cruel

things she did to me all the time. I just can't understand how she could treat

a child like that. I look at my child, and I am daily reminded how completely

broken and unfit my nada was.

Nada invited me to her house for mother's day, and I said no. This is MY day

now, and I am going to spend it with the people I love, my partner and daughter.

She tried to guilt-trip me, and I sent her an email back telling her off. That

was last night, and all night I've been freaking out, and writing letters to her

telling her what a horrible mother she was, and crying. I HATE mother's day. I

just want all of this painful emotion to go away. I want to let it go. Why can't

I let it go???

Terri

[Guest guest]

Terri,

First of all I am so sorry that your mommy group attacked you. That sucks.

Second, please be kind to yourself and protect yourself from this in the future.

NON KO adults just really don't get it. They never will and their first response

is that your mother couldn't have been so horrible that she deserves you not

wanting to see her. This is not their life experience and they just can't wrap

their brains around any other reality. I have learned the hard way, more than

once, to NOT seek my validation for my life experiences in relation to my nada

from NON KO's. It is a recipe for recriminations and self-doubt. I have learned

to be very vague when it comes to my relationship with nada when speaking to

others. I find that turning the questions around on them after making some kind

of non commital answer like " Oh, I am spending Mother's Day with my family, and

what are YOUR plans? " will usually suffice. It is no one's business but mine

that when I refer to my family that I am not including nada in that statement.

I know that we would like to be understood and validated by everyone that we

know, but that just isn't reality. We understand you here at OZ and validate and

support your decision to protect yourself from nada and to spend your Mother's

day with the people that love and appreciate YOU.

{{{hugs}}}

C

>

> I was talking to a bunch of other moms my age (40's), about Mother's day

coming up. I mentioned that I didn't want to see mine. They all jumped on me, of

course. Saying things like, " How would you feel if your daughter didn't want to

see you when you were older? " and " Think of all the things your mother's done

for you. "

>

> And all I think is: If I treated my daughter the way she treated me, then my

daughter SHOULDN'T want to see me ever again. I would be so mortified at myself

that I wouldn't even be able to face her anyway.

>

> And I do think of all the things she did, every day. Every day I struggle with

the physical and exhausting effort of raising a toddler, and think, well, nada

did this at least. This is when I am trying to forgive her and let go of anger.

But I also look at my daughter and feel love, and I think every day that my nada

wasn't able to do that. I think of the evil mean belittling humiliating cruel

things she did to me all the time. I just can't understand how she could treat

a child like that. I look at my child, and I am daily reminded how completely

broken and unfit my nada was.

>

> Nada invited me to her house for mother's day, and I said no. This is MY day

now, and I am going to spend it with the people I love, my partner and daughter.

She tried to guilt-trip me, and I sent her an email back telling her off. That

was last night, and all night I've been freaking out, and writing letters to her

telling her what a horrible mother she was, and crying. I HATE mother's day. I

just want all of this painful emotion to go away. I want to let it go. Why can't

I let it go???

>

> Terri

>

[Guest guest]

Terri,

First of all I am so sorry that your mommy group attacked you. That sucks.

Second, please be kind to yourself and protect yourself from this in the future.

NON KO adults just really don't get it. They never will and their first response

is that your mother couldn't have been so horrible that she deserves you not

wanting to see her. This is not their life experience and they just can't wrap

their brains around any other reality. I have learned the hard way, more than

once, to NOT seek my validation for my life experiences in relation to my nada

from NON KO's. It is a recipe for recriminations and self-doubt. I have learned

to be very vague when it comes to my relationship with nada when speaking to

others. I find that turning the questions around on them after making some kind

of non commital answer like " Oh, I am spending Mother's Day with my family, and

what are YOUR plans? " will usually suffice. It is no one's business but mine

that when I refer to my family that I am not including nada in that statement.

I know that we would like to be understood and validated by everyone that we

know, but that just isn't reality. We understand you here at OZ and validate and

support your decision to protect yourself from nada and to spend your Mother's

day with the people that love and appreciate YOU.

{{{hugs}}}

C

>

> I was talking to a bunch of other moms my age (40's), about Mother's day

coming up. I mentioned that I didn't want to see mine. They all jumped on me, of

course. Saying things like, " How would you feel if your daughter didn't want to

see you when you were older? " and " Think of all the things your mother's done

for you. "

>

> And all I think is: If I treated my daughter the way she treated me, then my

daughter SHOULDN'T want to see me ever again. I would be so mortified at myself

that I wouldn't even be able to face her anyway.

>

> And I do think of all the things she did, every day. Every day I struggle with

the physical and exhausting effort of raising a toddler, and think, well, nada

did this at least. This is when I am trying to forgive her and let go of anger.

But I also look at my daughter and feel love, and I think every day that my nada

wasn't able to do that. I think of the evil mean belittling humiliating cruel

things she did to me all the time. I just can't understand how she could treat

a child like that. I look at my child, and I am daily reminded how completely

broken and unfit my nada was.

>

> Nada invited me to her house for mother's day, and I said no. This is MY day

now, and I am going to spend it with the people I love, my partner and daughter.

She tried to guilt-trip me, and I sent her an email back telling her off. That

was last night, and all night I've been freaking out, and writing letters to her

telling her what a horrible mother she was, and crying. I HATE mother's day. I

just want all of this painful emotion to go away. I want to let it go. Why can't

I let it go???

>

> Terri

>

[Guest guest]

Terri,

First of all I am so sorry that your mommy group attacked you. That sucks.

Second, please be kind to yourself and protect yourself from this in the future.

NON KO adults just really don't get it. They never will and their first response

is that your mother couldn't have been so horrible that she deserves you not

wanting to see her. This is not their life experience and they just can't wrap

their brains around any other reality. I have learned the hard way, more than

once, to NOT seek my validation for my life experiences in relation to my nada

from NON KO's. It is a recipe for recriminations and self-doubt. I have learned

to be very vague when it comes to my relationship with nada when speaking to

others. I find that turning the questions around on them after making some kind

of non commital answer like " Oh, I am spending Mother's Day with my family, and

what are YOUR plans? " will usually suffice. It is no one's business but mine

that when I refer to my family that I am not including nada in that statement.

I know that we would like to be understood and validated by everyone that we

know, but that just isn't reality. We understand you here at OZ and validate and

support your decision to protect yourself from nada and to spend your Mother's

day with the people that love and appreciate YOU.

{{{hugs}}}

C

>

> I was talking to a bunch of other moms my age (40's), about Mother's day

coming up. I mentioned that I didn't want to see mine. They all jumped on me, of

course. Saying things like, " How would you feel if your daughter didn't want to

see you when you were older? " and " Think of all the things your mother's done

for you. "

>

> And all I think is: If I treated my daughter the way she treated me, then my

daughter SHOULDN'T want to see me ever again. I would be so mortified at myself

that I wouldn't even be able to face her anyway.

>

> And I do think of all the things she did, every day. Every day I struggle with

the physical and exhausting effort of raising a toddler, and think, well, nada

did this at least. This is when I am trying to forgive her and let go of anger.

But I also look at my daughter and feel love, and I think every day that my nada

wasn't able to do that. I think of the evil mean belittling humiliating cruel

things she did to me all the time. I just can't understand how she could treat

a child like that. I look at my child, and I am daily reminded how completely

broken and unfit my nada was.

>

> Nada invited me to her house for mother's day, and I said no. This is MY day

now, and I am going to spend it with the people I love, my partner and daughter.

She tried to guilt-trip me, and I sent her an email back telling her off. That

was last night, and all night I've been freaking out, and writing letters to her

telling her what a horrible mother she was, and crying. I HATE mother's day. I

just want all of this painful emotion to go away. I want to let it go. Why can't

I let it go???

>

> Terri

>

[Guest guest]

Yep I'm with you, Mother's Day is the ultimate salt in the wound. You can't get

away from it, it's on the radio, it's on the television, it's in the stores.

I'm reading a book about Mahayana Buddhism right now to help me get all peaceful

and deal with life better and what do I find? A section all about how we

should work on developing our compassion for others and the best way to do that

is to really " get into " the feeling of our deep gratitude for our mothers. In

this book it is clear that the idea that any human being on the planet would not

feel deep gratitude and love for their mother's great sacrifices is completely

alien.

Eliza

>

> I was talking to a bunch of other moms my age (40's), about Mother's day

coming up. I mentioned that I didn't want to see mine. They all jumped on me, of

course. Saying things like, " How would you feel if your daughter didn't want to

see you when you were older? " and " Think of all the things your mother's done

for you. "

>

> And all I think is: If I treated my daughter the way she treated me, then my

daughter SHOULDN'T want to see me ever again. I would be so mortified at myself

that I wouldn't even be able to face her anyway.

>

> And I do think of all the things she did, every day. Every day I struggle with

the physical and exhausting effort of raising a toddler, and think, well, nada

did this at least. This is when I am trying to forgive her and let go of anger.

But I also look at my daughter and feel love, and I think every day that my nada

wasn't able to do that. I think of the evil mean belittling humiliating cruel

things she did to me all the time. I just can't understand how she could treat

a child like that. I look at my child, and I am daily reminded how completely

broken and unfit my nada was.

>

> Nada invited me to her house for mother's day, and I said no. This is MY day

now, and I am going to spend it with the people I love, my partner and daughter.

She tried to guilt-trip me, and I sent her an email back telling her off. That

was last night, and all night I've been freaking out, and writing letters to her

telling her what a horrible mother she was, and crying. I HATE mother's day. I

just want all of this painful emotion to go away. I want to let it go. Why can't

I let it go???

>

> Terri

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so happy that you guys have posted things regarding this! I've been

having a lot of difficulty figuring out how to handle Mother's Day. I've

been NC with my nada for about a year now, and although I know it's best

for SO many reasons, I still struggle with anxiety about other people's

perceptions of me as a " bad child " .

I know that I shouldn't care what other people think of me, but gossiping

about me to her friends or other family members right in front of me was

something that my nada did all my life. And that has me freaked out that

she's going around telling people how horrible I am, and how she doesn't

understand how the child that she's done everything for can treat her so

badly. " She didn't even call or write for Mother's Day! " *Sigh*

I agree that most people don't understand the amount of trauma and drama

that we've gone through, and that makes it even harder because you feel

like you're alone in dealing with it

It helps me to think of " Mother's Day " as a day to honor *mothers*, those

women in my life who actually gave me the nurturing and love that I

should've received from my nada. This year, I've decided to honor myself as

a mother. Even tho I don't have any kids, I've spent a lot of time

mothering myself in the absence of real parents.

[Guest guest]

Yes. The " LOOK " that turns your bowels to water as they say in scary novels. I

still have that problem. And my nada brags about how she can control people just

by looking at them. I hate Mother's Day. Today in church the pastor just

mentioned Mother's Day coming and how our mothers have sacrificed so much for

us, probably felt taken for granted. I just sat there shaking my head. After a

couple more minutes, I couldn't hold it in. I left, didn't go back in because I

was in the car sobbing and wailing like someone had died. It sucks.

>

> Then again, most human beings don't have mothers who glare at them as soon as

they walk into a room before they've even had time to say a word. 

>

>

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