Guest guest Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 Hi all. Terri's post about her mother's day dilemma got me thinking about things. I remember before I learned about BPD and really understood it that I would constantly feel this need to justify my dislike of my mother to people. I would almost feel compelled to hurl my emotional guts to everyone. It was very off-putting and I am sure made many of the people that were around me uncomfortable. This was also partly from REALLY needing to be in therapy and is what eventually led me to getting therapy. It wasn't about my relationship with her as much as compulsion to purge myself emotionally. I realize that part of what I was seeking was validaiton. When did all of you realize that you just couldn't talk to normal people about your nada? What do you do to remind yourself that seeking validation from normal people is futile? What is it that occasionally causes us to forget this and seek their approval for our choices? I know that we have all experienced this to one degree or another and maybe talking about it, will save us all some grief in the future. C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 Hi C The happier I am in my life, the less likely I am to do any of the above. That's the only thing that has worked for me. Not needing to talk about it because it's simply not on my mind. I did have bad experience the other day as I posted. It was 10 person social volunteer group and we were just ending the meeting. I had started it as a light-hearted poll asking who was going to see their mothers on mother's day. The response got away from me a little. And actually, in this instance, I simply ended the conversation by telling people who were asking me too many questions that I had simply wanted to take a poll and that we didn't need to discuss my mother issues. Said it with a laugh, and the conversation moved on. Just to play devil's advocate a little.... I kind of do want anyone who knows me to know this part of my history. It has shaped me. And I don't like pretending it didn't happen. Pretending everything was fine feels like lying or condoning it. Why should I help everyone have this myth that all mothers are good? And maybe there's someone in that group who feels this way too - and how else would we find each other? This is actually how I found this group, I was complaining about my mother in a new mom group, and a friend there told me about Understanding the Bordlerline Mother, and this group, and I've been so grateful. What if I had kept my mouth shut out of social politeness, I might not have found this. sorry to sounds like I'm debating, I'm just also interested in this topic and this is sort of what came out. Thanks for the topic Terri > > Hi all. Terri's post about her mother's day dilemma got me thinking about things. I remember before I learned about BPD and really understood it that I would constantly feel this need to justify my dislike of my mother to people. I would almost feel compelled to hurl my emotional guts to everyone. It was very off-putting and I am sure made many of the people that were around me uncomfortable. This was also partly from REALLY needing to be in therapy and is what eventually led me to getting therapy. It wasn't about my relationship with her as much as compulsion to purge myself emotionally. I realize that part of what I was seeking was validaiton. > > When did all of you realize that you just couldn't talk to normal people about your nada? What do you do to remind yourself that seeking validation from normal people is futile? What is it that occasionally causes us to forget this and seek their approval for our choices? I know that we have all experienced this to one degree or another and maybe talking about it, will save us all some grief in the future. > > C > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 Hi C The happier I am in my life, the less likely I am to do any of the above. That's the only thing that has worked for me. Not needing to talk about it because it's simply not on my mind. I did have bad experience the other day as I posted. It was 10 person social volunteer group and we were just ending the meeting. I had started it as a light-hearted poll asking who was going to see their mothers on mother's day. The response got away from me a little. And actually, in this instance, I simply ended the conversation by telling people who were asking me too many questions that I had simply wanted to take a poll and that we didn't need to discuss my mother issues. Said it with a laugh, and the conversation moved on. Just to play devil's advocate a little.... I kind of do want anyone who knows me to know this part of my history. It has shaped me. And I don't like pretending it didn't happen. Pretending everything was fine feels like lying or condoning it. Why should I help everyone have this myth that all mothers are good? And maybe there's someone in that group who feels this way too - and how else would we find each other? This is actually how I found this group, I was complaining about my mother in a new mom group, and a friend there told me about Understanding the Bordlerline Mother, and this group, and I've been so grateful. What if I had kept my mouth shut out of social politeness, I might not have found this. sorry to sounds like I'm debating, I'm just also interested in this topic and this is sort of what came out. Thanks for the topic Terri > > Hi all. Terri's post about her mother's day dilemma got me thinking about things. I remember before I learned about BPD and really understood it that I would constantly feel this need to justify my dislike of my mother to people. I would almost feel compelled to hurl my emotional guts to everyone. It was very off-putting and I am sure made many of the people that were around me uncomfortable. This was also partly from REALLY needing to be in therapy and is what eventually led me to getting therapy. It wasn't about my relationship with her as much as compulsion to purge myself emotionally. I realize that part of what I was seeking was validaiton. > > When did all of you realize that you just couldn't talk to normal people about your nada? What do you do to remind yourself that seeking validation from normal people is futile? What is it that occasionally causes us to forget this and seek their approval for our choices? I know that we have all experienced this to one degree or another and maybe talking about it, will save us all some grief in the future. > > C > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 Hi C The happier I am in my life, the less likely I am to do any of the above. That's the only thing that has worked for me. Not needing to talk about it because it's simply not on my mind. I did have bad experience the other day as I posted. It was 10 person social volunteer group and we were just ending the meeting. I had started it as a light-hearted poll asking who was going to see their mothers on mother's day. The response got away from me a little. And actually, in this instance, I simply ended the conversation by telling people who were asking me too many questions that I had simply wanted to take a poll and that we didn't need to discuss my mother issues. Said it with a laugh, and the conversation moved on. Just to play devil's advocate a little.... I kind of do want anyone who knows me to know this part of my history. It has shaped me. And I don't like pretending it didn't happen. Pretending everything was fine feels like lying or condoning it. Why should I help everyone have this myth that all mothers are good? And maybe there's someone in that group who feels this way too - and how else would we find each other? This is actually how I found this group, I was complaining about my mother in a new mom group, and a friend there told me about Understanding the Bordlerline Mother, and this group, and I've been so grateful. What if I had kept my mouth shut out of social politeness, I might not have found this. sorry to sounds like I'm debating, I'm just also interested in this topic and this is sort of what came out. Thanks for the topic Terri > > Hi all. Terri's post about her mother's day dilemma got me thinking about things. I remember before I learned about BPD and really understood it that I would constantly feel this need to justify my dislike of my mother to people. I would almost feel compelled to hurl my emotional guts to everyone. It was very off-putting and I am sure made many of the people that were around me uncomfortable. This was also partly from REALLY needing to be in therapy and is what eventually led me to getting therapy. It wasn't about my relationship with her as much as compulsion to purge myself emotionally. I realize that part of what I was seeking was validaiton. > > When did all of you realize that you just couldn't talk to normal people about your nada? What do you do to remind yourself that seeking validation from normal people is futile? What is it that occasionally causes us to forget this and seek their approval for our choices? I know that we have all experienced this to one degree or another and maybe talking about it, will save us all some grief in the future. > > C > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 Normal people can't imagine BPD or how a mother could act like that and at some point this became clear. So now I say things like " my mother was mentally ill " and speak of it like I might have said " my mother died when I was a baby, it was hard on me but she couldn't help it " and such and such because how can someone mentally ill know right from wrong, blah blah. This way of revealing the difference does get some validation as everyone has known someone with mental illness and most are stunned by the idea of a mentally ill mother (right up there with the drunks and abusers). Instead of seeming like I am seeking their approval, it seems more like I'm a champion of the mentally ill and " normal " people like that - maybe because they don't have to, ha ha. And this sort of statement can be made without any of my anger, sadness, etc. being exposed. I also no longer defend what I say or let the conversation go farther that I care for it to by speaking slower, low in volume and also " well, it's hard to sum up so many years in a sentence or two. " Sometimes I just say nothing. I guess on some level I don't care anymore. My nada is dead, and has been for 9 years. That probably helps a lot. As do ya'll on this list, thank you. Flowers -----Original Message----- > >. > >When did all of you realize that you just couldn't talk to normal people about your nada? What do you do to remind yourself that seeking validation from normal people is futile? What is it that occasionally causes us to forget this and seek their approval for our choices? I know that we have all experienced this to one degree or another and maybe talking about it, will save us all some grief in the future. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 Hi Terri, I am definitely not an advocate of covering up nadas poor actions. I am glad you found out about your own nada and started your path toward healing. I do share with people about my experiences, but I am selective in doing so. I have experienced, as you did with your mommy group, that most folks tend to want to either not hear it, or minimize it and even those that may believe you, tend to be so uncomfortable with this level of honesty that they will avoid contact. Whether this is done consciencely or not, this is at best hurtful at worst makes me question my own experience, or it used to. I have learned to see the signs of " KO " ness in others and I will tentatively reach out to others that seem to be struggling with a possible nada. For me personally, I have been thru enough and I am not willing to be put thru the wringer about my choices by people that have some mistaken belief that they can be a judge of my life and actions. C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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