Guest guest Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 I think your reply is " too nice " . I'd say sorry but I can't talk on the phone and can't do a visit. Sorry. Just my opinion. Sent from my mobile device. > a few months ago I decided that I needed a break from Nadas phone calls. She has spent the last 3 months sending my FOG thinly veiled in being " so proud " and " loving " and " apologizing for whatever YOU think I did. " Her last full length letter she gave me a list of all the things she does NOT disapprove of and all of her excuses for me. > > she has made fun of my boundary quite blatantly over and over. > > and I got a birthday card in the mail yesterday informing me that she is done with not talking to me on the phone, and that she is visiting me this summer for an " event " and gave me a list to choose from ie kids b-days, DH " graduation (he is not graduating on the term schedule it is a PHD and there is no graduation. Nada can't wrap her head around that one.) > > I have not told her anything but that I am undergoing extensive medical treatment right now, and need to be low stress. (which she thinks is absurd becasue talking to her is " wonderful " ) > > so, I am not about to engage in conversation with her now. if she had spent the last 3 months dropping notes of encouragement, and perhaps a real apology I might have considered it. I would have probably settled for being mostly ignored. > > so I sent the following e-mail: > > Mom. I don't want you to call on my birthday. I will let you know when I am ready for that. This summer is also not a good time for a visit. dd and dd are both in summer programs, and DH is not going to be able to take most of a week off. I am doing extensive medical treatment that requires me to spend significant time each day. My condition is a very severe case and hard to treat, and I need to be very low stress. > > http://www.pelvicpainhelpforwomen.com/pelvic_video.php > > this website can explain some things about that. > > Your letters are making it hard for me to want to talk to you. They are disrespectful. The pressure you are putting on me to do things on your terms is only hurting me. The added stress of your mocking my needs by reminding me over and over that I am not making you happy, and that you think my current need for peace is inappropriate is only confirming that it is not a good time for me to talk to you. > > I know I am making many choices right now that are hurtful to you. You made that clear. Please don't bother to tell me about that any more. I don't need that right now. What I need is support. > > I tried to talk to you last summer and you dismissed me. Unless you can demonstrate that you are willing to change the way you communicate with me, I am going to need more time. > > it is not perfect, and I could have been nicer. but I am not in the mood for nice. This is the first time I have been assertive about these things and I just said what I wanted to. I sent it to my dad too. less denial that way. let the s*$% hit the fan.(again) > > the hurtful choices I am referring to are me not having another baby right now, and not trying hard enough to move to live closer to her, and DH not finding a " good enough " job... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 I am giving you a virtual high-five for assertively standing up for yourself, Meikjn. )))))SMAK!((((( Sometimes when a nada is aggressively not respecting us, refusing to acknowledge our needs and bulldozing over our reasonable adult boundaries, we have to just take that very adult stand and assertively state what is and is not going to be tolerated. I know that took a lot of courage and it caused you additional stress, but I think it was very proactive of you and demonstrated that you respect *yourself*, and that's great! I hope you will give yourself permission to take a " vacation " from even reading your nada's e-mails or letters, or listening to her phone messages for as long as you need to. You deserve a break from nada-wrangling, and deserve some peace and tranquility in order to heal. Well done. Thumb's up of encouragement from me. -Annie > > a few months ago I decided that I needed a break from Nadas phone calls. She has spent the last 3 months sending my FOG thinly veiled in being " so proud " and " loving " and " apologizing for whatever YOU think I did. " Her last full length letter she gave me a list of all the things she does NOT disapprove of and all of her excuses for me. > > she has made fun of my boundary quite blatantly over and over. > > and I got a birthday card in the mail yesterday informing me that she is done with not talking to me on the phone, and that she is visiting me this summer for an " event " and gave me a list to choose from ie kids b-days, DH " graduation (he is not graduating on the term schedule it is a PHD and there is no graduation. Nada can't wrap her head around that one.) > > I have not told her anything but that I am undergoing extensive medical treatment right now, and need to be low stress. (which she thinks is absurd becasue talking to her is " wonderful " ) > > so, I am not about to engage in conversation with her now. if she had spent the last 3 months dropping notes of encouragement, and perhaps a real apology I might have considered it. I would have probably settled for being mostly ignored. > > so I sent the following e-mail: > > Mom. I don't want you to call on my birthday. I will let you know when I am ready for that. This summer is also not a good time for a visit. dd and dd are both in summer programs, and DH is not going to be able to take most of a week off. I am doing extensive medical treatment that requires me to spend significant time each day. My condition is a very severe case and hard to treat, and I need to be very low stress. > > http://www.pelvicpainhelpforwomen.com/pelvic_video.php > > this website can explain some things about that. > > Your letters are making it hard for me to want to talk to you. They are disrespectful. The pressure you are putting on me to do things on your terms is only hurting me. The added stress of your mocking my needs by reminding me over and over that I am not making you happy, and that you think my current need for peace is inappropriate is only confirming that it is not a good time for me to talk to you. > > I know I am making many choices right now that are hurtful to you. You made that clear. Please don't bother to tell me about that any more. I don't need that right now. What I need is support. > > I tried to talk to you last summer and you dismissed me. Unless you can demonstrate that you are willing to change the way you communicate with me, I am going to need more time. > > > > it is not perfect, and I could have been nicer. but I am not in the mood for nice. This is the first time I have been assertive about these things and I just said what I wanted to. I sent it to my dad too. less denial that way. let the s*$% hit the fan.(again) > > the hurtful choices I am referring to are me not having another baby right now, and not trying hard enough to move to live closer to her, and DH not finding a " good enough " job... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 I am giving you a virtual high-five for assertively standing up for yourself, Meikjn. )))))SMAK!((((( Sometimes when a nada is aggressively not respecting us, refusing to acknowledge our needs and bulldozing over our reasonable adult boundaries, we have to just take that very adult stand and assertively state what is and is not going to be tolerated. I know that took a lot of courage and it caused you additional stress, but I think it was very proactive of you and demonstrated that you respect *yourself*, and that's great! I hope you will give yourself permission to take a " vacation " from even reading your nada's e-mails or letters, or listening to her phone messages for as long as you need to. You deserve a break from nada-wrangling, and deserve some peace and tranquility in order to heal. Well done. Thumb's up of encouragement from me. -Annie > > a few months ago I decided that I needed a break from Nadas phone calls. She has spent the last 3 months sending my FOG thinly veiled in being " so proud " and " loving " and " apologizing for whatever YOU think I did. " Her last full length letter she gave me a list of all the things she does NOT disapprove of and all of her excuses for me. > > she has made fun of my boundary quite blatantly over and over. > > and I got a birthday card in the mail yesterday informing me that she is done with not talking to me on the phone, and that she is visiting me this summer for an " event " and gave me a list to choose from ie kids b-days, DH " graduation (he is not graduating on the term schedule it is a PHD and there is no graduation. Nada can't wrap her head around that one.) > > I have not told her anything but that I am undergoing extensive medical treatment right now, and need to be low stress. (which she thinks is absurd becasue talking to her is " wonderful " ) > > so, I am not about to engage in conversation with her now. if she had spent the last 3 months dropping notes of encouragement, and perhaps a real apology I might have considered it. I would have probably settled for being mostly ignored. > > so I sent the following e-mail: > > Mom. I don't want you to call on my birthday. I will let you know when I am ready for that. This summer is also not a good time for a visit. dd and dd are both in summer programs, and DH is not going to be able to take most of a week off. I am doing extensive medical treatment that requires me to spend significant time each day. My condition is a very severe case and hard to treat, and I need to be very low stress. > > http://www.pelvicpainhelpforwomen.com/pelvic_video.php > > this website can explain some things about that. > > Your letters are making it hard for me to want to talk to you. They are disrespectful. The pressure you are putting on me to do things on your terms is only hurting me. The added stress of your mocking my needs by reminding me over and over that I am not making you happy, and that you think my current need for peace is inappropriate is only confirming that it is not a good time for me to talk to you. > > I know I am making many choices right now that are hurtful to you. You made that clear. Please don't bother to tell me about that any more. I don't need that right now. What I need is support. > > I tried to talk to you last summer and you dismissed me. Unless you can demonstrate that you are willing to change the way you communicate with me, I am going to need more time. > > > > it is not perfect, and I could have been nicer. but I am not in the mood for nice. This is the first time I have been assertive about these things and I just said what I wanted to. I sent it to my dad too. less denial that way. let the s*$% hit the fan.(again) > > the hurtful choices I am referring to are me not having another baby right now, and not trying hard enough to move to live closer to her, and DH not finding a " good enough " job... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 she replied: Meikjn. I am so sorry. I truly thought I was trying to support your efforts. I have no idea what I said or did that was dismissive and I have no idea how to change the way I talk and act because I thought I was just the way I have always been so obviously I really don't get it at all. I am just very sorry and I do respect your efforts and pray for your recovery every day. I love you with all my heart and will not try to contact you in any way again. Sorry. Mom sigh. I just don't know what to think any more. is she really that clueless?????? or is she just trying to manipulate me? at least I may get a real break. > > > > a few months ago I decided that I needed a break from Nadas phone calls. She has spent the last 3 months sending my FOG thinly veiled in being " so proud " and " loving " and " apologizing for whatever YOU think I did. " Her last full length letter she gave me a list of all the things she does NOT disapprove of and all of her excuses for me. > > > > she has made fun of my boundary quite blatantly over and over. > > > > and I got a birthday card in the mail yesterday informing me that she is done with not talking to me on the phone, and that she is visiting me this summer for an " event " and gave me a list to choose from ie kids b-days, DH " graduation (he is not graduating on the term schedule it is a PHD and there is no graduation. Nada can't wrap her head around that one.) > > > > I have not told her anything but that I am undergoing extensive medical treatment right now, and need to be low stress. (which she thinks is absurd becasue talking to her is " wonderful " ) > > > > so, I am not about to engage in conversation with her now. if she had spent the last 3 months dropping notes of encouragement, and perhaps a real apology I might have considered it. I would have probably settled for being mostly ignored. > > > > so I sent the following e-mail: > > > > Mom. I don't want you to call on my birthday. I will let you know when I am ready for that. This summer is also not a good time for a visit. dd and dd are both in summer programs, and DH is not going to be able to take most of a week off. I am doing extensive medical treatment that requires me to spend significant time each day. My condition is a very severe case and hard to treat, and I need to be very low stress. > > > > http://www.pelvicpainhelpforwomen.com/pelvic_video.php > > > > this website can explain some things about that. > > > > Your letters are making it hard for me to want to talk to you. They are disrespectful. The pressure you are putting on me to do things on your terms is only hurting me. The added stress of your mocking my needs by reminding me over and over that I am not making you happy, and that you think my current need for peace is inappropriate is only confirming that it is not a good time for me to talk to you. > > > > I know I am making many choices right now that are hurtful to you. You made that clear. Please don't bother to tell me about that any more. I don't need that right now. What I need is support. > > > > I tried to talk to you last summer and you dismissed me. Unless you can demonstrate that you are willing to change the way you communicate with me, I am going to need more time. > > > > > > > > it is not perfect, and I could have been nicer. but I am not in the mood for nice. This is the first time I have been assertive about these things and I just said what I wanted to. I sent it to my dad too. less denial that way. let the s*$% hit the fan.(again) > > > > the hurtful choices I am referring to are me not having another baby right now, and not trying hard enough to move to live closer to her, and DH not finding a " good enough " job... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 she replied: Meikjn. I am so sorry. I truly thought I was trying to support your efforts. I have no idea what I said or did that was dismissive and I have no idea how to change the way I talk and act because I thought I was just the way I have always been so obviously I really don't get it at all. I am just very sorry and I do respect your efforts and pray for your recovery every day. I love you with all my heart and will not try to contact you in any way again. Sorry. Mom sigh. I just don't know what to think any more. is she really that clueless?????? or is she just trying to manipulate me? at least I may get a real break. > > > > a few months ago I decided that I needed a break from Nadas phone calls. She has spent the last 3 months sending my FOG thinly veiled in being " so proud " and " loving " and " apologizing for whatever YOU think I did. " Her last full length letter she gave me a list of all the things she does NOT disapprove of and all of her excuses for me. > > > > she has made fun of my boundary quite blatantly over and over. > > > > and I got a birthday card in the mail yesterday informing me that she is done with not talking to me on the phone, and that she is visiting me this summer for an " event " and gave me a list to choose from ie kids b-days, DH " graduation (he is not graduating on the term schedule it is a PHD and there is no graduation. Nada can't wrap her head around that one.) > > > > I have not told her anything but that I am undergoing extensive medical treatment right now, and need to be low stress. (which she thinks is absurd becasue talking to her is " wonderful " ) > > > > so, I am not about to engage in conversation with her now. if she had spent the last 3 months dropping notes of encouragement, and perhaps a real apology I might have considered it. I would have probably settled for being mostly ignored. > > > > so I sent the following e-mail: > > > > Mom. I don't want you to call on my birthday. I will let you know when I am ready for that. This summer is also not a good time for a visit. dd and dd are both in summer programs, and DH is not going to be able to take most of a week off. I am doing extensive medical treatment that requires me to spend significant time each day. My condition is a very severe case and hard to treat, and I need to be very low stress. > > > > http://www.pelvicpainhelpforwomen.com/pelvic_video.php > > > > this website can explain some things about that. > > > > Your letters are making it hard for me to want to talk to you. They are disrespectful. The pressure you are putting on me to do things on your terms is only hurting me. The added stress of your mocking my needs by reminding me over and over that I am not making you happy, and that you think my current need for peace is inappropriate is only confirming that it is not a good time for me to talk to you. > > > > I know I am making many choices right now that are hurtful to you. You made that clear. Please don't bother to tell me about that any more. I don't need that right now. What I need is support. > > > > I tried to talk to you last summer and you dismissed me. Unless you can demonstrate that you are willing to change the way you communicate with me, I am going to need more time. > > > > > > > > it is not perfect, and I could have been nicer. but I am not in the mood for nice. This is the first time I have been assertive about these things and I just said what I wanted to. I sent it to my dad too. less denial that way. let the s*$% hit the fan.(again) > > > > the hurtful choices I am referring to are me not having another baby right now, and not trying hard enough to move to live closer to her, and DH not finding a " good enough " job... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 she replied: Meikjn. I am so sorry. I truly thought I was trying to support your efforts. I have no idea what I said or did that was dismissive and I have no idea how to change the way I talk and act because I thought I was just the way I have always been so obviously I really don't get it at all. I am just very sorry and I do respect your efforts and pray for your recovery every day. I love you with all my heart and will not try to contact you in any way again. Sorry. Mom sigh. I just don't know what to think any more. is she really that clueless?????? or is she just trying to manipulate me? at least I may get a real break. > > > > a few months ago I decided that I needed a break from Nadas phone calls. She has spent the last 3 months sending my FOG thinly veiled in being " so proud " and " loving " and " apologizing for whatever YOU think I did. " Her last full length letter she gave me a list of all the things she does NOT disapprove of and all of her excuses for me. > > > > she has made fun of my boundary quite blatantly over and over. > > > > and I got a birthday card in the mail yesterday informing me that she is done with not talking to me on the phone, and that she is visiting me this summer for an " event " and gave me a list to choose from ie kids b-days, DH " graduation (he is not graduating on the term schedule it is a PHD and there is no graduation. Nada can't wrap her head around that one.) > > > > I have not told her anything but that I am undergoing extensive medical treatment right now, and need to be low stress. (which she thinks is absurd becasue talking to her is " wonderful " ) > > > > so, I am not about to engage in conversation with her now. if she had spent the last 3 months dropping notes of encouragement, and perhaps a real apology I might have considered it. I would have probably settled for being mostly ignored. > > > > so I sent the following e-mail: > > > > Mom. I don't want you to call on my birthday. I will let you know when I am ready for that. This summer is also not a good time for a visit. dd and dd are both in summer programs, and DH is not going to be able to take most of a week off. I am doing extensive medical treatment that requires me to spend significant time each day. My condition is a very severe case and hard to treat, and I need to be very low stress. > > > > http://www.pelvicpainhelpforwomen.com/pelvic_video.php > > > > this website can explain some things about that. > > > > Your letters are making it hard for me to want to talk to you. They are disrespectful. The pressure you are putting on me to do things on your terms is only hurting me. The added stress of your mocking my needs by reminding me over and over that I am not making you happy, and that you think my current need for peace is inappropriate is only confirming that it is not a good time for me to talk to you. > > > > I know I am making many choices right now that are hurtful to you. You made that clear. Please don't bother to tell me about that any more. I don't need that right now. What I need is support. > > > > I tried to talk to you last summer and you dismissed me. Unless you can demonstrate that you are willing to change the way you communicate with me, I am going to need more time. > > > > > > > > it is not perfect, and I could have been nicer. but I am not in the mood for nice. This is the first time I have been assertive about these things and I just said what I wanted to. I sent it to my dad too. less denial that way. let the s*$% hit the fan.(again) > > > > the hurtful choices I am referring to are me not having another baby right now, and not trying hard enough to move to live closer to her, and DH not finding a " good enough " job... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 Me personally, I'd let go of trying to figure out if the feeling nada expressed is genuine and whether she is truly clueless or is being manipulative. Its just kind of pointless to spend time trying to get inside her head and deconstruct her, seems to me. Instead, I would choose to view this message from nada as a " win. " She is conceding your point and letting you know that she will not contact you, which is what you requested. She is honoring your request. I would either not respond at all, or I would respond with a simple and brief, " Thank you for respecting my boundary. I'll let you know when I'm ready to resume contact. " -Annie > > > she replied: > > Meikjn. I am so sorry. I truly thought I was trying to support your efforts. I have no idea what I said or did that was dismissive and I have no idea how to change the way I talk and act because I thought I was just the way I have always been so obviously I really don't get it at all. I am just very sorry and I do respect your efforts and pray for your recovery every day. I love you with all my heart and will not try to contact you in any way again. Sorry. Mom > > sigh. > > I just don't know what to think any more. is she really that clueless?????? or is she just trying to manipulate me? > > at least I may get a real break. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 Me personally, I'd let go of trying to figure out if the feeling nada expressed is genuine and whether she is truly clueless or is being manipulative. Its just kind of pointless to spend time trying to get inside her head and deconstruct her, seems to me. Instead, I would choose to view this message from nada as a " win. " She is conceding your point and letting you know that she will not contact you, which is what you requested. She is honoring your request. I would either not respond at all, or I would respond with a simple and brief, " Thank you for respecting my boundary. I'll let you know when I'm ready to resume contact. " -Annie > > > she replied: > > Meikjn. I am so sorry. I truly thought I was trying to support your efforts. I have no idea what I said or did that was dismissive and I have no idea how to change the way I talk and act because I thought I was just the way I have always been so obviously I really don't get it at all. I am just very sorry and I do respect your efforts and pray for your recovery every day. I love you with all my heart and will not try to contact you in any way again. Sorry. Mom > > sigh. > > I just don't know what to think any more. is she really that clueless?????? or is she just trying to manipulate me? > > at least I may get a real break. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 That sounds so typical of nadas. It boils down to " It isn't my fault. I won't take responsibility or do anything to fix the problem " . She may be that clueless and she is almost certainly trying to manipulate you. I don't think my nada is capable of understanding what is wrong with the things she says and does. She doesn't know any other way to be. When push comes to shove though, why she's acting the way she is doesn't matter. She's not likely to change. At 08:19 PM 05/06/2012 Meikjn wrote: >she replied: > >Meikjn. I am so sorry. I truly thought I was trying to >support your efforts. I have no idea what I said or did that >was dismissive and I have no idea how to change the way I talk >and act because I thought I was just the way I have always been >so obviously I really don't get it at all. I am just very >sorry and I do respect your efforts and pray for your recovery >every day. I love you with all my heart and will not try to >contact you in any way again. Sorry. Mom > >sigh. > >I just don't know what to think any more. is she really that >clueless?????? or is she just trying to manipulate me? > >at least I may get a real break. > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 That sounds so typical of nadas. It boils down to " It isn't my fault. I won't take responsibility or do anything to fix the problem " . She may be that clueless and she is almost certainly trying to manipulate you. I don't think my nada is capable of understanding what is wrong with the things she says and does. She doesn't know any other way to be. When push comes to shove though, why she's acting the way she is doesn't matter. She's not likely to change. At 08:19 PM 05/06/2012 Meikjn wrote: >she replied: > >Meikjn. I am so sorry. I truly thought I was trying to >support your efforts. I have no idea what I said or did that >was dismissive and I have no idea how to change the way I talk >and act because I thought I was just the way I have always been >so obviously I really don't get it at all. I am just very >sorry and I do respect your efforts and pray for your recovery >every day. I love you with all my heart and will not try to >contact you in any way again. Sorry. Mom > >sigh. > >I just don't know what to think any more. is she really that >clueless?????? or is she just trying to manipulate me? > >at least I may get a real break. > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 That sounds so typical of nadas. It boils down to " It isn't my fault. I won't take responsibility or do anything to fix the problem " . She may be that clueless and she is almost certainly trying to manipulate you. I don't think my nada is capable of understanding what is wrong with the things she says and does. She doesn't know any other way to be. When push comes to shove though, why she's acting the way she is doesn't matter. She's not likely to change. At 08:19 PM 05/06/2012 Meikjn wrote: >she replied: > >Meikjn. I am so sorry. I truly thought I was trying to >support your efforts. I have no idea what I said or did that >was dismissive and I have no idea how to change the way I talk >and act because I thought I was just the way I have always been >so obviously I really don't get it at all. I am just very >sorry and I do respect your efforts and pray for your recovery >every day. I love you with all my heart and will not try to >contact you in any way again. Sorry. Mom > >sigh. > >I just don't know what to think any more. is she really that >clueless?????? or is she just trying to manipulate me? > >at least I may get a real break. > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 I hope you feel better! My MIL is BDP, but being the kid of A BDP is on a complete different level. You all have my respect and whatever you do whether you fail or succeed is a step towards improving things and that is the intention that should always be in your heart. I have seen my DH cry with his mother's actions, but he does not think there is anything wrong with her besides her being really selfish. He acknowledges that at least, but he is the one that gets the least crap. All I can recommend from what I see from my husband: he takes the role of a father ( authoritative figure ) when she acts like a kid. He just tells her to stop, but also he is the one she comes crying to when " the world is against her " as if she did not do anything for the world to ignore her. She inflicts pain in herself so that we feel sorry for her and I am the only one who see what she is doing. She did not take antibiotics so we see her sick when we visited last. My FIL did not understand why would she wait to take antibiotics because he brought them home a week before we got there. Anyway, They will always try to manipulate so do not buy her crap, they have an agenda and all the time in the world to plan it. Yes, they realize they messed up, but they are selfish, so all they do it will be solely to their advantage. I think you are explaining too much to her. MY husband does not at all and trust me, it works, she loses it on him maybe once a year for a long month after we visit. To me it is every time she calls, she says the nastiest things, why? because i cannot talk to her like my hubby does and she takes advantage of that. She does not have anything bad to say about me, so now she lies about me. I am saying this because I used to explain too much to her, she took advantage of that. No matter how much I helped her she was never happy and lied I did not help her at all. My husband's solution " play stupid " , I have to pretend to be an ignorant, stupid person so that she feels better. I just rather not answer the phone. I am waiting for an apology for her lying, i better sit down because that one will never come. Another thing I noticed it is that they mirror their own crap on you. She does it to me all the time. She could not believe i was going to college, because it did not seem i finished high school. She did not finish high school. There is a long list of things she called me, that it is actually things about herself. Did u notice that? If you take a break, do not explain anything, just take it. She knows why, trust me. They like to pull an imaginary rope on your patience, see how much they can pull and they like to keep it tight. Just set the boundary, do not announce it. I wish I could freely talk to my husband about some of the things she does behind his back. She plays " good poor me " in front of him and as soon as he leaves the room she transforms (you should see her face) into a monster. Where I am from there is a comedian that plays an old woman on a wheel chair that has a daughter in her 40s who is single and is her mother's " slave " . When the daughter leaves the house she walks no problem, drinks and even has men over. It is hilarious and it really helps me cope with my MIL, because that is how she is. > > a few months ago I decided that I needed a break from Nadas phone calls. She has spent the last 3 months sending my FOG thinly veiled in being " so proud " and " loving " and " apologizing for whatever YOU think I did. " Her last full length letter she gave me a list of all the things she does NOT disapprove of and all of her excuses for me. > > she has made fun of my boundary quite blatantly over and over. > > and I got a birthday card in the mail yesterday informing me that she is done with not talking to me on the phone, and that she is visiting me this summer for an " event " and gave me a list to choose from ie kids b-days, DH " graduation (he is not graduating on the term schedule it is a PHD and there is no graduation. Nada can't wrap her head around that one.) > > I have not told her anything but that I am undergoing extensive medical treatment right now, and need to be low stress. (which she thinks is absurd becasue talking to her is " wonderful " ) > > so, I am not about to engage in conversation with her now. if she had spent the last 3 months dropping notes of encouragement, and perhaps a real apology I might have considered it. I would have probably settled for being mostly ignored. > > so I sent the following e-mail: > > Mom. I don't want you to call on my birthday. I will let you know when I am ready for that. This summer is also not a good time for a visit. dd and dd are both in summer programs, and DH is not going to be able to take most of a week off. I am doing extensive medical treatment that requires me to spend significant time each day. My condition is a very severe case and hard to treat, and I need to be very low stress. > > http://www.pelvicpainhelpforwomen.com/pelvic_video.php > > this website can explain some things about that. > > Your letters are making it hard for me to want to talk to you. They are disrespectful. The pressure you are putting on me to do things on your terms is only hurting me. The added stress of your mocking my needs by reminding me over and over that I am not making you happy, and that you think my current need for peace is inappropriate is only confirming that it is not a good time for me to talk to you. > > I know I am making many choices right now that are hurtful to you. You made that clear. Please don't bother to tell me about that any more. I don't need that right now. What I need is support. > > I tried to talk to you last summer and you dismissed me. Unless you can demonstrate that you are willing to change the way you communicate with me, I am going to need more time. > > > > it is not perfect, and I could have been nicer. but I am not in the mood for nice. This is the first time I have been assertive about these things and I just said what I wanted to. I sent it to my dad too. less denial that way. let the s*$% hit the fan.(again) > > the hurtful choices I am referring to are me not having another baby right now, and not trying hard enough to move to live closer to her, and DH not finding a " good enough " job... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 I hope you feel better! My MIL is BDP, but being the kid of A BDP is on a complete different level. You all have my respect and whatever you do whether you fail or succeed is a step towards improving things and that is the intention that should always be in your heart. I have seen my DH cry with his mother's actions, but he does not think there is anything wrong with her besides her being really selfish. He acknowledges that at least, but he is the one that gets the least crap. All I can recommend from what I see from my husband: he takes the role of a father ( authoritative figure ) when she acts like a kid. He just tells her to stop, but also he is the one she comes crying to when " the world is against her " as if she did not do anything for the world to ignore her. She inflicts pain in herself so that we feel sorry for her and I am the only one who see what she is doing. She did not take antibiotics so we see her sick when we visited last. My FIL did not understand why would she wait to take antibiotics because he brought them home a week before we got there. Anyway, They will always try to manipulate so do not buy her crap, they have an agenda and all the time in the world to plan it. Yes, they realize they messed up, but they are selfish, so all they do it will be solely to their advantage. I think you are explaining too much to her. MY husband does not at all and trust me, it works, she loses it on him maybe once a year for a long month after we visit. To me it is every time she calls, she says the nastiest things, why? because i cannot talk to her like my hubby does and she takes advantage of that. She does not have anything bad to say about me, so now she lies about me. I am saying this because I used to explain too much to her, she took advantage of that. No matter how much I helped her she was never happy and lied I did not help her at all. My husband's solution " play stupid " , I have to pretend to be an ignorant, stupid person so that she feels better. I just rather not answer the phone. I am waiting for an apology for her lying, i better sit down because that one will never come. Another thing I noticed it is that they mirror their own crap on you. She does it to me all the time. She could not believe i was going to college, because it did not seem i finished high school. She did not finish high school. There is a long list of things she called me, that it is actually things about herself. Did u notice that? If you take a break, do not explain anything, just take it. She knows why, trust me. They like to pull an imaginary rope on your patience, see how much they can pull and they like to keep it tight. Just set the boundary, do not announce it. I wish I could freely talk to my husband about some of the things she does behind his back. She plays " good poor me " in front of him and as soon as he leaves the room she transforms (you should see her face) into a monster. Where I am from there is a comedian that plays an old woman on a wheel chair that has a daughter in her 40s who is single and is her mother's " slave " . When the daughter leaves the house she walks no problem, drinks and even has men over. It is hilarious and it really helps me cope with my MIL, because that is how she is. > > a few months ago I decided that I needed a break from Nadas phone calls. She has spent the last 3 months sending my FOG thinly veiled in being " so proud " and " loving " and " apologizing for whatever YOU think I did. " Her last full length letter she gave me a list of all the things she does NOT disapprove of and all of her excuses for me. > > she has made fun of my boundary quite blatantly over and over. > > and I got a birthday card in the mail yesterday informing me that she is done with not talking to me on the phone, and that she is visiting me this summer for an " event " and gave me a list to choose from ie kids b-days, DH " graduation (he is not graduating on the term schedule it is a PHD and there is no graduation. Nada can't wrap her head around that one.) > > I have not told her anything but that I am undergoing extensive medical treatment right now, and need to be low stress. (which she thinks is absurd becasue talking to her is " wonderful " ) > > so, I am not about to engage in conversation with her now. if she had spent the last 3 months dropping notes of encouragement, and perhaps a real apology I might have considered it. I would have probably settled for being mostly ignored. > > so I sent the following e-mail: > > Mom. I don't want you to call on my birthday. I will let you know when I am ready for that. This summer is also not a good time for a visit. dd and dd are both in summer programs, and DH is not going to be able to take most of a week off. I am doing extensive medical treatment that requires me to spend significant time each day. My condition is a very severe case and hard to treat, and I need to be very low stress. > > http://www.pelvicpainhelpforwomen.com/pelvic_video.php > > this website can explain some things about that. > > Your letters are making it hard for me to want to talk to you. They are disrespectful. The pressure you are putting on me to do things on your terms is only hurting me. The added stress of your mocking my needs by reminding me over and over that I am not making you happy, and that you think my current need for peace is inappropriate is only confirming that it is not a good time for me to talk to you. > > I know I am making many choices right now that are hurtful to you. You made that clear. Please don't bother to tell me about that any more. I don't need that right now. What I need is support. > > I tried to talk to you last summer and you dismissed me. Unless you can demonstrate that you are willing to change the way you communicate with me, I am going to need more time. > > > > it is not perfect, and I could have been nicer. but I am not in the mood for nice. This is the first time I have been assertive about these things and I just said what I wanted to. I sent it to my dad too. less denial that way. let the s*$% hit the fan.(again) > > the hurtful choices I am referring to are me not having another baby right now, and not trying hard enough to move to live closer to her, and DH not finding a " good enough " job... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 I hope you feel better! My MIL is BDP, but being the kid of A BDP is on a complete different level. You all have my respect and whatever you do whether you fail or succeed is a step towards improving things and that is the intention that should always be in your heart. I have seen my DH cry with his mother's actions, but he does not think there is anything wrong with her besides her being really selfish. He acknowledges that at least, but he is the one that gets the least crap. All I can recommend from what I see from my husband: he takes the role of a father ( authoritative figure ) when she acts like a kid. He just tells her to stop, but also he is the one she comes crying to when " the world is against her " as if she did not do anything for the world to ignore her. She inflicts pain in herself so that we feel sorry for her and I am the only one who see what she is doing. She did not take antibiotics so we see her sick when we visited last. My FIL did not understand why would she wait to take antibiotics because he brought them home a week before we got there. Anyway, They will always try to manipulate so do not buy her crap, they have an agenda and all the time in the world to plan it. Yes, they realize they messed up, but they are selfish, so all they do it will be solely to their advantage. I think you are explaining too much to her. MY husband does not at all and trust me, it works, she loses it on him maybe once a year for a long month after we visit. To me it is every time she calls, she says the nastiest things, why? because i cannot talk to her like my hubby does and she takes advantage of that. She does not have anything bad to say about me, so now she lies about me. I am saying this because I used to explain too much to her, she took advantage of that. No matter how much I helped her she was never happy and lied I did not help her at all. My husband's solution " play stupid " , I have to pretend to be an ignorant, stupid person so that she feels better. I just rather not answer the phone. I am waiting for an apology for her lying, i better sit down because that one will never come. Another thing I noticed it is that they mirror their own crap on you. She does it to me all the time. She could not believe i was going to college, because it did not seem i finished high school. She did not finish high school. There is a long list of things she called me, that it is actually things about herself. Did u notice that? If you take a break, do not explain anything, just take it. She knows why, trust me. They like to pull an imaginary rope on your patience, see how much they can pull and they like to keep it tight. Just set the boundary, do not announce it. I wish I could freely talk to my husband about some of the things she does behind his back. She plays " good poor me " in front of him and as soon as he leaves the room she transforms (you should see her face) into a monster. Where I am from there is a comedian that plays an old woman on a wheel chair that has a daughter in her 40s who is single and is her mother's " slave " . When the daughter leaves the house she walks no problem, drinks and even has men over. It is hilarious and it really helps me cope with my MIL, because that is how she is. > > a few months ago I decided that I needed a break from Nadas phone calls. She has spent the last 3 months sending my FOG thinly veiled in being " so proud " and " loving " and " apologizing for whatever YOU think I did. " Her last full length letter she gave me a list of all the things she does NOT disapprove of and all of her excuses for me. > > she has made fun of my boundary quite blatantly over and over. > > and I got a birthday card in the mail yesterday informing me that she is done with not talking to me on the phone, and that she is visiting me this summer for an " event " and gave me a list to choose from ie kids b-days, DH " graduation (he is not graduating on the term schedule it is a PHD and there is no graduation. Nada can't wrap her head around that one.) > > I have not told her anything but that I am undergoing extensive medical treatment right now, and need to be low stress. (which she thinks is absurd becasue talking to her is " wonderful " ) > > so, I am not about to engage in conversation with her now. if she had spent the last 3 months dropping notes of encouragement, and perhaps a real apology I might have considered it. I would have probably settled for being mostly ignored. > > so I sent the following e-mail: > > Mom. I don't want you to call on my birthday. I will let you know when I am ready for that. This summer is also not a good time for a visit. dd and dd are both in summer programs, and DH is not going to be able to take most of a week off. I am doing extensive medical treatment that requires me to spend significant time each day. My condition is a very severe case and hard to treat, and I need to be very low stress. > > http://www.pelvicpainhelpforwomen.com/pelvic_video.php > > this website can explain some things about that. > > Your letters are making it hard for me to want to talk to you. They are disrespectful. The pressure you are putting on me to do things on your terms is only hurting me. The added stress of your mocking my needs by reminding me over and over that I am not making you happy, and that you think my current need for peace is inappropriate is only confirming that it is not a good time for me to talk to you. > > I know I am making many choices right now that are hurtful to you. You made that clear. Please don't bother to tell me about that any more. I don't need that right now. What I need is support. > > I tried to talk to you last summer and you dismissed me. Unless you can demonstrate that you are willing to change the way you communicate with me, I am going to need more time. > > > > it is not perfect, and I could have been nicer. but I am not in the mood for nice. This is the first time I have been assertive about these things and I just said what I wanted to. I sent it to my dad too. less denial that way. let the s*$% hit the fan.(again) > > the hurtful choices I am referring to are me not having another baby right now, and not trying hard enough to move to live closer to her, and DH not finding a " good enough " job... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 If I were in that situation (MIL takes off her mask and behaves horribly toward you whenever her son leaves the room) it would make me want to buy one or more of those tiny cameras that can be easily hidden, and record exactly how nada behaves toward you when she believes nobody else is observing her. My nada was so careful about keeping her verbal and physical abuse of Sister and me very covert (and her verbal abuse of dad) to preserve her illusion of perfection, that if somehow she'd been filmed and her truly abusive behaviors had been " outed " , it makes me wonder what the result would have been. Would public exposure have had a positive impact: shamed nada into getting psychiatric treatment, or a negative impact: would exposure have pushed nada over the edge resulting in suicide, or revenge/retaliation behaviors, or divorce, or murdering us, or into a complete psychotic break? I'll never know, but it makes me wonder sometimes. My nada was also good at composing her expression for photos; she always looked so kind, calm and pleasant in photos. She would go through any set of snapshots that were taken on family outings, and remove (literally tear up) any of herself that she didn't like. I have only one snapshot of my nada where she was photographed before she was ready (how this one survived I'll never know) and the look in her eyes and the twist in her mouth is very unnerving to me. It was a glimpse of what was under the mask. So, anyway. Maybe consider one of those lipstick-sized full color video and sound recording cameras to capture the real MIL, when she takes her mask off and shows how she really feels about you. Might be a real eye opener for your husband. -Annie > > I hope you feel better! My MIL is BDP, but being the kid of A BDP is on a complete different level. You all have my respect and whatever you do whether you fail or succeed is a step towards improving things and that is the intention that should always be in your heart. > > I have seen my DH cry with his mother's actions, but he does not think there is anything wrong with her besides her being really selfish. He acknowledges that at least, but he is the one that gets the least crap. > > All I can recommend from what I see from my husband: he takes the role of a father ( authoritative figure ) when she acts like a kid. He just tells her to stop, but also he is the one she comes crying to when " the world is against her " as if she did not do anything for the world to ignore her. She inflicts pain in herself so that we feel sorry for her and I am the only one who see what she is doing. She did not take antibiotics so we see her sick when we visited last. My FIL did not understand why would she wait to take antibiotics because he brought them home a week before we got there. Anyway, They will always try to manipulate so do not buy her crap, they have an agenda and all the time in the world to plan it. Yes, they realize they messed up, but they are selfish, so all they do it will be solely to their advantage. > > I think you are explaining too much to her. MY husband does not at all and trust me, it works, she loses it on him maybe once a year for a long month after we visit. To me it is every time she calls, she says the nastiest things, why? because i cannot talk to her like my hubby does and she takes advantage of that. She does not have anything bad to say about me, so now she lies about me. I am saying this because I used to explain too much to her, she took advantage of that. No matter how much I helped her she was never happy and lied I did not help her at all. My husband's solution " play stupid " , I have to pretend to be an ignorant, stupid person so that she feels better. I just rather not answer the phone. I am waiting for an apology for her lying, i better sit down because that one will never come. > > Another thing I noticed it is that they mirror their own crap on you. She does it to me all the time. She could not believe i was going to college, because it did not seem i finished high school. She did not finish high school. There is a long list of things she called me, that it is actually things about herself. Did u notice that? > > If you take a break, do not explain anything, just take it. She knows why, trust me. They like to pull an imaginary rope on your patience, see how much they can pull and they like to keep it tight. Just set the boundary, do not announce it. > > I wish I could freely talk to my husband about some of the things she does behind his back. She plays " good poor me " in front of him and as soon as he leaves the room she transforms (you should see her face) into a monster. > > Where I am from there is a comedian that plays an old woman on a wheel chair that has a daughter in her 40s who is single and is her mother's " slave " . When the daughter leaves the house she walks no problem, drinks and even has men over. It is hilarious and it really helps me cope with my MIL, because that is how she is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 If I were in that situation (MIL takes off her mask and behaves horribly toward you whenever her son leaves the room) it would make me want to buy one or more of those tiny cameras that can be easily hidden, and record exactly how nada behaves toward you when she believes nobody else is observing her. My nada was so careful about keeping her verbal and physical abuse of Sister and me very covert (and her verbal abuse of dad) to preserve her illusion of perfection, that if somehow she'd been filmed and her truly abusive behaviors had been " outed " , it makes me wonder what the result would have been. Would public exposure have had a positive impact: shamed nada into getting psychiatric treatment, or a negative impact: would exposure have pushed nada over the edge resulting in suicide, or revenge/retaliation behaviors, or divorce, or murdering us, or into a complete psychotic break? I'll never know, but it makes me wonder sometimes. My nada was also good at composing her expression for photos; she always looked so kind, calm and pleasant in photos. She would go through any set of snapshots that were taken on family outings, and remove (literally tear up) any of herself that she didn't like. I have only one snapshot of my nada where she was photographed before she was ready (how this one survived I'll never know) and the look in her eyes and the twist in her mouth is very unnerving to me. It was a glimpse of what was under the mask. So, anyway. Maybe consider one of those lipstick-sized full color video and sound recording cameras to capture the real MIL, when she takes her mask off and shows how she really feels about you. Might be a real eye opener for your husband. -Annie > > I hope you feel better! My MIL is BDP, but being the kid of A BDP is on a complete different level. You all have my respect and whatever you do whether you fail or succeed is a step towards improving things and that is the intention that should always be in your heart. > > I have seen my DH cry with his mother's actions, but he does not think there is anything wrong with her besides her being really selfish. He acknowledges that at least, but he is the one that gets the least crap. > > All I can recommend from what I see from my husband: he takes the role of a father ( authoritative figure ) when she acts like a kid. He just tells her to stop, but also he is the one she comes crying to when " the world is against her " as if she did not do anything for the world to ignore her. She inflicts pain in herself so that we feel sorry for her and I am the only one who see what she is doing. She did not take antibiotics so we see her sick when we visited last. My FIL did not understand why would she wait to take antibiotics because he brought them home a week before we got there. Anyway, They will always try to manipulate so do not buy her crap, they have an agenda and all the time in the world to plan it. Yes, they realize they messed up, but they are selfish, so all they do it will be solely to their advantage. > > I think you are explaining too much to her. MY husband does not at all and trust me, it works, she loses it on him maybe once a year for a long month after we visit. To me it is every time she calls, she says the nastiest things, why? because i cannot talk to her like my hubby does and she takes advantage of that. She does not have anything bad to say about me, so now she lies about me. I am saying this because I used to explain too much to her, she took advantage of that. No matter how much I helped her she was never happy and lied I did not help her at all. My husband's solution " play stupid " , I have to pretend to be an ignorant, stupid person so that she feels better. I just rather not answer the phone. I am waiting for an apology for her lying, i better sit down because that one will never come. > > Another thing I noticed it is that they mirror their own crap on you. She does it to me all the time. She could not believe i was going to college, because it did not seem i finished high school. She did not finish high school. There is a long list of things she called me, that it is actually things about herself. Did u notice that? > > If you take a break, do not explain anything, just take it. She knows why, trust me. They like to pull an imaginary rope on your patience, see how much they can pull and they like to keep it tight. Just set the boundary, do not announce it. > > I wish I could freely talk to my husband about some of the things she does behind his back. She plays " good poor me " in front of him and as soon as he leaves the room she transforms (you should see her face) into a monster. > > Where I am from there is a comedian that plays an old woman on a wheel chair that has a daughter in her 40s who is single and is her mother's " slave " . When the daughter leaves the house she walks no problem, drinks and even has men over. It is hilarious and it really helps me cope with my MIL, because that is how she is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 They are insane not stupid, that is why they know what to do I told my husband " the mild " stuff she said and he said he could not believe his mom said that to me, that i should have recorded it for him to believe it. Of course, I did not say the bad stuff after he said that. I do not blame him. I really fell for all of you that grew up with someone like that. My SIL, the normal one, does not even talk to her at all. My husband feels sorry for his mom because she portrays herself as " the world's victim " n the BDP sister in law tried to kill herself many times and all she says is " my mom is not going to like this " . I have been doing research to figure out if this is hereditary because my MIL, one of my SIL and ( I think )a niece of my MIL have this problem. > > > > I hope you feel better! My MIL is BDP, but being the kid of A BDP is on a complete different level. You all have my respect and whatever you do whether you fail or succeed is a step towards improving things and that is the intention that should always be in your heart. > > > > I have seen my DH cry with his mother's actions, but he does not think there is anything wrong with her besides her being really selfish. He acknowledges that at least, but he is the one that gets the least crap. > > > > All I can recommend from what I see from my husband: he takes the role of a father ( authoritative figure ) when she acts like a kid. He just tells her to stop, but also he is the one she comes crying to when " the world is against her " as if she did not do anything for the world to ignore her. She inflicts pain in herself so that we feel sorry for her and I am the only one who see what she is doing. She did not take antibiotics so we see her sick when we visited last. My FIL did not understand why would she wait to take antibiotics because he brought them home a week before we got there. Anyway, They will always try to manipulate so do not buy her crap, they have an agenda and all the time in the world to plan it. Yes, they realize they messed up, but they are selfish, so all they do it will be solely to their advantage. > > > > I think you are explaining too much to her. MY husband does not at all and trust me, it works, she loses it on him maybe once a year for a long month after we visit. To me it is every time she calls, she says the nastiest things, why? because i cannot talk to her like my hubby does and she takes advantage of that. She does not have anything bad to say about me, so now she lies about me. I am saying this because I used to explain too much to her, she took advantage of that. No matter how much I helped her she was never happy and lied I did not help her at all. My husband's solution " play stupid " , I have to pretend to be an ignorant, stupid person so that she feels better. I just rather not answer the phone. I am waiting for an apology for her lying, i better sit down because that one will never come. > > > > Another thing I noticed it is that they mirror their own crap on you. She does it to me all the time. She could not believe i was going to college, because it did not seem i finished high school. She did not finish high school. There is a long list of things she called me, that it is actually things about herself. Did u notice that? > > > > If you take a break, do not explain anything, just take it. She knows why, trust me. They like to pull an imaginary rope on your patience, see how much they can pull and they like to keep it tight. Just set the boundary, do not announce it. > > > > I wish I could freely talk to my husband about some of the things she does behind his back. She plays " good poor me " in front of him and as soon as he leaves the room she transforms (you should see her face) into a monster. > > > > Where I am from there is a comedian that plays an old woman on a wheel chair that has a daughter in her 40s who is single and is her mother's " slave " . When the daughter leaves the house she walks no problem, drinks and even has men over. It is hilarious and it really helps me cope with my MIL, because that is how she is. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 They are insane not stupid, that is why they know what to do I told my husband " the mild " stuff she said and he said he could not believe his mom said that to me, that i should have recorded it for him to believe it. Of course, I did not say the bad stuff after he said that. I do not blame him. I really fell for all of you that grew up with someone like that. My SIL, the normal one, does not even talk to her at all. My husband feels sorry for his mom because she portrays herself as " the world's victim " n the BDP sister in law tried to kill herself many times and all she says is " my mom is not going to like this " . I have been doing research to figure out if this is hereditary because my MIL, one of my SIL and ( I think )a niece of my MIL have this problem. > > > > I hope you feel better! My MIL is BDP, but being the kid of A BDP is on a complete different level. You all have my respect and whatever you do whether you fail or succeed is a step towards improving things and that is the intention that should always be in your heart. > > > > I have seen my DH cry with his mother's actions, but he does not think there is anything wrong with her besides her being really selfish. He acknowledges that at least, but he is the one that gets the least crap. > > > > All I can recommend from what I see from my husband: he takes the role of a father ( authoritative figure ) when she acts like a kid. He just tells her to stop, but also he is the one she comes crying to when " the world is against her " as if she did not do anything for the world to ignore her. She inflicts pain in herself so that we feel sorry for her and I am the only one who see what she is doing. She did not take antibiotics so we see her sick when we visited last. My FIL did not understand why would she wait to take antibiotics because he brought them home a week before we got there. Anyway, They will always try to manipulate so do not buy her crap, they have an agenda and all the time in the world to plan it. Yes, they realize they messed up, but they are selfish, so all they do it will be solely to their advantage. > > > > I think you are explaining too much to her. MY husband does not at all and trust me, it works, she loses it on him maybe once a year for a long month after we visit. To me it is every time she calls, she says the nastiest things, why? because i cannot talk to her like my hubby does and she takes advantage of that. She does not have anything bad to say about me, so now she lies about me. I am saying this because I used to explain too much to her, she took advantage of that. No matter how much I helped her she was never happy and lied I did not help her at all. My husband's solution " play stupid " , I have to pretend to be an ignorant, stupid person so that she feels better. I just rather not answer the phone. I am waiting for an apology for her lying, i better sit down because that one will never come. > > > > Another thing I noticed it is that they mirror their own crap on you. She does it to me all the time. She could not believe i was going to college, because it did not seem i finished high school. She did not finish high school. There is a long list of things she called me, that it is actually things about herself. Did u notice that? > > > > If you take a break, do not explain anything, just take it. She knows why, trust me. They like to pull an imaginary rope on your patience, see how much they can pull and they like to keep it tight. Just set the boundary, do not announce it. > > > > I wish I could freely talk to my husband about some of the things she does behind his back. She plays " good poor me " in front of him and as soon as he leaves the room she transforms (you should see her face) into a monster. > > > > Where I am from there is a comedian that plays an old woman on a wheel chair that has a daughter in her 40s who is single and is her mother's " slave " . When the daughter leaves the house she walks no problem, drinks and even has men over. It is hilarious and it really helps me cope with my MIL, because that is how she is. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 Hi there, I believe they think there can be a genetic component; some people are wired to be more sensitive/emotionally labile, and of course there is an environmental component - how you are raised. Cluster Bs create more Cluster Bs. Also the situation you describe with your SIL I think is called " learned helplessness " . My mom had this, where you need to be all waify and dependent to elicit attention and sympathy. Little kids pick this up quickly if they are " coddled " a lot. SR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 Hi there, I believe they think there can be a genetic component; some people are wired to be more sensitive/emotionally labile, and of course there is an environmental component - how you are raised. Cluster Bs create more Cluster Bs. Also the situation you describe with your SIL I think is called " learned helplessness " . My mom had this, where you need to be all waify and dependent to elicit attention and sympathy. Little kids pick this up quickly if they are " coddled " a lot. SR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 Hi there, I believe they think there can be a genetic component; some people are wired to be more sensitive/emotionally labile, and of course there is an environmental component - how you are raised. Cluster Bs create more Cluster Bs. Also the situation you describe with your SIL I think is called " learned helplessness " . My mom had this, where you need to be all waify and dependent to elicit attention and sympathy. Little kids pick this up quickly if they are " coddled " a lot. SR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 The current most agreed-on theory is that personality disorders are most likely due to the combination of predisposing genes AND an invalidating environment. This is an excerpt from the NIMH website: " Research on the possible causes and risk factors for borderline personality disorder is still at a very early stage. However, scientists generally agree that genetic and environmental factors are likely to be involved. Studies on twins with borderline personality disorder suggest that the illness is strongly inherited.16,17 Another study shows that a person can inherit his or her temperament and specific personality traits, particularly impulsiveness and aggression.18 Scientists are studying genes that help regulate emotions and impulse control for possible links to the disorder.19 " And so I would qualify the idea you stated, and say instead that " Cluster Bs *can* create more Cluster Bs " . But its equally true that one can be raised by a Cluster B pd parent and not wind up with a Cluster B pd oneself; my Sister and I are examples of that. Our damage runs more in the area of ptsd, depression, obsessive-compulsive pd (on my Sister's part) and avoidant pd (on my part.) And its also equally true that a person with Cluster B pd can appear in a relatively mentally healthy family without a history of mental illnesses threading through the generations. I believe my own nada is an example of that. I think in my nada's case she was born with a super-hyper-sensitive temperament and no ability to self-soothe, so that her *perception* was that she was being constantly invalidated, ignored, and unloved. I think my nada's brain was mis-wired from birth, because she shared with me that she believed she'd been horribly mistreated and abused and neglected throughout her childhood, and yet I had no evidence that my grandparents were as she described. (My mother's sisters were shocked and bewildered when Sister and I finally shared with them what our mother had been telling us about their childhood, for our whole lives. Neither of them corroborated my mother's stories of neglect, physical battering or emotional abuse from their parents.) My own mother ( " nada " ) is the only relative I ever saw exhibiting the scary, explosive, negative, physically violent, destructive behaviors of bpd and the controlling, demanding, perfectionistic, attention-seeking, totally self-absorbed behaviors of narcissistic pd. As far as I could tell, she had her own foo terrorized; NObody ever just stood up to her and told her to knock it off and act like an adult. Then she married my dad and had us terrorized. My nada had equally negative, paranoid, delusional ideas about my dad (she claimed that he beat her and ran around having affairs all the time) and about me (she claimed that I as an infant had rejected her and hated her.) My nada thought that my Sister and I were lying to her all the time, as well. It will be very interesting to see what future scientific studies on personality disorder show us, and will hopefully lead to better, more effective treatment for pds and even perhaps cures. -Annie > > Hi there, > > I believe they think there can be a genetic component; some people are wired to be more sensitive/emotionally labile, and of course there is an environmental component - how you are raised. Cluster Bs create more Cluster Bs. Also the situation you describe with your SIL I think is called " learned helplessness " . My mom had this, where you need to be all waify and dependent to elicit attention and sympathy. Little kids pick this up quickly if they are " coddled " a lot. > > SR > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 The current most agreed-on theory is that personality disorders are most likely due to the combination of predisposing genes AND an invalidating environment. This is an excerpt from the NIMH website: " Research on the possible causes and risk factors for borderline personality disorder is still at a very early stage. However, scientists generally agree that genetic and environmental factors are likely to be involved. Studies on twins with borderline personality disorder suggest that the illness is strongly inherited.16,17 Another study shows that a person can inherit his or her temperament and specific personality traits, particularly impulsiveness and aggression.18 Scientists are studying genes that help regulate emotions and impulse control for possible links to the disorder.19 " And so I would qualify the idea you stated, and say instead that " Cluster Bs *can* create more Cluster Bs " . But its equally true that one can be raised by a Cluster B pd parent and not wind up with a Cluster B pd oneself; my Sister and I are examples of that. Our damage runs more in the area of ptsd, depression, obsessive-compulsive pd (on my Sister's part) and avoidant pd (on my part.) And its also equally true that a person with Cluster B pd can appear in a relatively mentally healthy family without a history of mental illnesses threading through the generations. I believe my own nada is an example of that. I think in my nada's case she was born with a super-hyper-sensitive temperament and no ability to self-soothe, so that her *perception* was that she was being constantly invalidated, ignored, and unloved. I think my nada's brain was mis-wired from birth, because she shared with me that she believed she'd been horribly mistreated and abused and neglected throughout her childhood, and yet I had no evidence that my grandparents were as she described. (My mother's sisters were shocked and bewildered when Sister and I finally shared with them what our mother had been telling us about their childhood, for our whole lives. Neither of them corroborated my mother's stories of neglect, physical battering or emotional abuse from their parents.) My own mother ( " nada " ) is the only relative I ever saw exhibiting the scary, explosive, negative, physically violent, destructive behaviors of bpd and the controlling, demanding, perfectionistic, attention-seeking, totally self-absorbed behaviors of narcissistic pd. As far as I could tell, she had her own foo terrorized; NObody ever just stood up to her and told her to knock it off and act like an adult. Then she married my dad and had us terrorized. My nada had equally negative, paranoid, delusional ideas about my dad (she claimed that he beat her and ran around having affairs all the time) and about me (she claimed that I as an infant had rejected her and hated her.) My nada thought that my Sister and I were lying to her all the time, as well. It will be very interesting to see what future scientific studies on personality disorder show us, and will hopefully lead to better, more effective treatment for pds and even perhaps cures. -Annie > > Hi there, > > I believe they think there can be a genetic component; some people are wired to be more sensitive/emotionally labile, and of course there is an environmental component - how you are raised. Cluster Bs create more Cluster Bs. Also the situation you describe with your SIL I think is called " learned helplessness " . My mom had this, where you need to be all waify and dependent to elicit attention and sympathy. Little kids pick this up quickly if they are " coddled " a lot. > > SR > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 I agree with you. It has to be both because my husband and the other sister are not like that at all. I did some research but there is not much on the subject. Especially on BPD, I feel bad for the little support there is on the subject out there, but this community is amazing! I love how you all support each other and read my posts also. I figured out this past March my MIL has BPD and since then I felt a big relief to figure out what is wrong, it even helped me deal with it better. > > Hi there, > > I believe they think there can be a genetic component; some people are wired to be more sensitive/emotionally labile, and of course there is an environmental component - how you are raised. Cluster Bs create more Cluster Bs. Also the situation you describe with your SIL I think is called " learned helplessness " . My mom had this, where you need to be all waify and dependent to elicit attention and sympathy. Little kids pick this up quickly if they are " coddled " a lot. > > SR > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 I agree with you. It has to be both because my husband and the other sister are not like that at all. I did some research but there is not much on the subject. Especially on BPD, I feel bad for the little support there is on the subject out there, but this community is amazing! I love how you all support each other and read my posts also. I figured out this past March my MIL has BPD and since then I felt a big relief to figure out what is wrong, it even helped me deal with it better. > > Hi there, > > I believe they think there can be a genetic component; some people are wired to be more sensitive/emotionally labile, and of course there is an environmental component - how you are raised. Cluster Bs create more Cluster Bs. Also the situation you describe with your SIL I think is called " learned helplessness " . My mom had this, where you need to be all waify and dependent to elicit attention and sympathy. Little kids pick this up quickly if they are " coddled " a lot. > > SR > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.