Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 Welcome to the Group, Cheryl. Over the years I've come to believe that those who were the victims of sexual predation by their own parents are cut a LOT more slack by society than those who suffered emotional abuse. Nobody expects that an adult child who was repeatedly sexually exploited by his or her own parents during his or her vulnerable, formative years to maintain a normal, loving relationship with such a rotten excuse for a parent. Our society/culture is now (horribly) aware that child molestation and incest are endemic in our society and have a higher prevalence than was ever realized or acknowledged in earlier generations; society now cuts the victims of incest a break. Incest victims are excused from maintaining contact with their abuser. In my opinion, the child of a mother with borderline pd can be subjected to emotional exploitation *comparable* to the sexual exploitation of incest. Being the child of a bpd mother can be equally as damaging and toxic as being the child of a pedophile, its just that one mentally ill parent focuses on sexually exploiting his child, and the other mentally ill parent focuses on emotionally exploiting her child. But that's just my own take on this; my opinion. I think that emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect (both emotional neglect and physical neglect) and sexual abuse should ALL be viewed with the same degree of revulsion and condemnation by society, and that children should be protected from ALL forms of chronic parental abuse. Just my two cents' worth. -Annie > > So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). > Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. > > Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. > > Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. > > Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 Welcome to the Group, Cheryl. Over the years I've come to believe that those who were the victims of sexual predation by their own parents are cut a LOT more slack by society than those who suffered emotional abuse. Nobody expects that an adult child who was repeatedly sexually exploited by his or her own parents during his or her vulnerable, formative years to maintain a normal, loving relationship with such a rotten excuse for a parent. Our society/culture is now (horribly) aware that child molestation and incest are endemic in our society and have a higher prevalence than was ever realized or acknowledged in earlier generations; society now cuts the victims of incest a break. Incest victims are excused from maintaining contact with their abuser. In my opinion, the child of a mother with borderline pd can be subjected to emotional exploitation *comparable* to the sexual exploitation of incest. Being the child of a bpd mother can be equally as damaging and toxic as being the child of a pedophile, its just that one mentally ill parent focuses on sexually exploiting his child, and the other mentally ill parent focuses on emotionally exploiting her child. But that's just my own take on this; my opinion. I think that emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect (both emotional neglect and physical neglect) and sexual abuse should ALL be viewed with the same degree of revulsion and condemnation by society, and that children should be protected from ALL forms of chronic parental abuse. Just my two cents' worth. -Annie > > So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). > Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. > > Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. > > Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. > > Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 Welcome to the Group, Cheryl. Over the years I've come to believe that those who were the victims of sexual predation by their own parents are cut a LOT more slack by society than those who suffered emotional abuse. Nobody expects that an adult child who was repeatedly sexually exploited by his or her own parents during his or her vulnerable, formative years to maintain a normal, loving relationship with such a rotten excuse for a parent. Our society/culture is now (horribly) aware that child molestation and incest are endemic in our society and have a higher prevalence than was ever realized or acknowledged in earlier generations; society now cuts the victims of incest a break. Incest victims are excused from maintaining contact with their abuser. In my opinion, the child of a mother with borderline pd can be subjected to emotional exploitation *comparable* to the sexual exploitation of incest. Being the child of a bpd mother can be equally as damaging and toxic as being the child of a pedophile, its just that one mentally ill parent focuses on sexually exploiting his child, and the other mentally ill parent focuses on emotionally exploiting her child. But that's just my own take on this; my opinion. I think that emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect (both emotional neglect and physical neglect) and sexual abuse should ALL be viewed with the same degree of revulsion and condemnation by society, and that children should be protected from ALL forms of chronic parental abuse. Just my two cents' worth. -Annie > > So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). > Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. > > Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. > > Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. > > Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 Annie, All my life people have not believed me or blamed me. Even as a young child, I had to deal with and hide from our " dirty little secret " . Now, even social workers cannot seem to grasp the extent of this kind of abuse. No-one listens. They only care about the BP. I was very lucky to have a grandmother that showed me unconditional love, otherwise I'm not sure who I would be now. I am finally starting to talk " out loud " about this. You are so right. We should be cut some slack. We are not the bad guys. We are the victims. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of people saying I am blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of being the primary focus of someones anger. I am tired of defending myself and apologizing for things I never did. I am tired of feeling guilty. I am tired. Thank you. It was much more than two cents worth. Your support is a million dollars worth. Cheryl > > > > So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). > > Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. > > > > Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. > > > > Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. > > > > Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 Annie, All my life people have not believed me or blamed me. Even as a young child, I had to deal with and hide from our " dirty little secret " . Now, even social workers cannot seem to grasp the extent of this kind of abuse. No-one listens. They only care about the BP. I was very lucky to have a grandmother that showed me unconditional love, otherwise I'm not sure who I would be now. I am finally starting to talk " out loud " about this. You are so right. We should be cut some slack. We are not the bad guys. We are the victims. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of people saying I am blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of being the primary focus of someones anger. I am tired of defending myself and apologizing for things I never did. I am tired of feeling guilty. I am tired. Thank you. It was much more than two cents worth. Your support is a million dollars worth. Cheryl > > > > So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). > > Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. > > > > Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. > > > > Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. > > > > Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 Annie, All my life people have not believed me or blamed me. Even as a young child, I had to deal with and hide from our " dirty little secret " . Now, even social workers cannot seem to grasp the extent of this kind of abuse. No-one listens. They only care about the BP. I was very lucky to have a grandmother that showed me unconditional love, otherwise I'm not sure who I would be now. I am finally starting to talk " out loud " about this. You are so right. We should be cut some slack. We are not the bad guys. We are the victims. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of people saying I am blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of being the primary focus of someones anger. I am tired of defending myself and apologizing for things I never did. I am tired of feeling guilty. I am tired. Thank you. It was much more than two cents worth. Your support is a million dollars worth. Cheryl > > > > So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). > > Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. > > > > Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. > > > > Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. > > > > Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 Welcome Cheryl you'll find people who get it here. I just went and bought my usual blank mother's day cards. I find getting a really pretty card that's blank and just writing happy mother's day in it is all I can deal with. And given how profoundly my mothers(long story) are failing me right now neither deserve a friggin card of any description. But I just can't handle rocking the boat and making a stand right now, so I try to meet expectations in a way that doesn't make me throw up. And Annie as always you are so on point. Our society so far does not give any understanding for those who want distance on the adult child / parent relationship for emotional abuse. I guess our society will have made a huge leap forward when that does happen. Eliza > > > > So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). > > Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. > > > > Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. > > > > Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. > > > > Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 Welcome Cheryl you'll find people who get it here. I just went and bought my usual blank mother's day cards. I find getting a really pretty card that's blank and just writing happy mother's day in it is all I can deal with. And given how profoundly my mothers(long story) are failing me right now neither deserve a friggin card of any description. But I just can't handle rocking the boat and making a stand right now, so I try to meet expectations in a way that doesn't make me throw up. And Annie as always you are so on point. Our society so far does not give any understanding for those who want distance on the adult child / parent relationship for emotional abuse. I guess our society will have made a huge leap forward when that does happen. Eliza > > > > So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). > > Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. > > > > Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. > > > > Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. > > > > Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 Welcome Cheryl you'll find people who get it here. I just went and bought my usual blank mother's day cards. I find getting a really pretty card that's blank and just writing happy mother's day in it is all I can deal with. And given how profoundly my mothers(long story) are failing me right now neither deserve a friggin card of any description. But I just can't handle rocking the boat and making a stand right now, so I try to meet expectations in a way that doesn't make me throw up. And Annie as always you are so on point. Our society so far does not give any understanding for those who want distance on the adult child / parent relationship for emotional abuse. I guess our society will have made a huge leap forward when that does happen. Eliza > > > > So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). > > Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. > > > > Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. > > > > Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. > > > > Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012  Eliza.  I am going to get my blank card, too.  It does seem to be the easiest thing.  We all have to deal with things the best we can for our own mental health. Thank you and Annie for " getting it "  Cheryl ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, May 7, 2012 1:21 AM Subject: Re: New to this -  Welcome Cheryl you'll find people who get it here. I just went and bought my usual blank mother's day cards. I find getting a really pretty card that's blank and just writing happy mother's day in it is all I can deal with. And given how profoundly my mothers(long story) are failing me right now neither deserve a friggin card of any description. But I just can't handle rocking the boat and making a stand right now, so I try to meet expectations in a way that doesn't make me throw up. And Annie as always you are so on point. Our society so far does not give any understanding for those who want distance on the adult child / parent relationship for emotional abuse. I guess our society will have made a huge leap forward when that does happen. Eliza > > > > So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). > > Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. > > > > Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. > > > > Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. > > > > Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012  Eliza.  I am going to get my blank card, too.  It does seem to be the easiest thing.  We all have to deal with things the best we can for our own mental health. Thank you and Annie for " getting it "  Cheryl ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, May 7, 2012 1:21 AM Subject: Re: New to this -  Welcome Cheryl you'll find people who get it here. I just went and bought my usual blank mother's day cards. I find getting a really pretty card that's blank and just writing happy mother's day in it is all I can deal with. And given how profoundly my mothers(long story) are failing me right now neither deserve a friggin card of any description. But I just can't handle rocking the boat and making a stand right now, so I try to meet expectations in a way that doesn't make me throw up. And Annie as always you are so on point. Our society so far does not give any understanding for those who want distance on the adult child / parent relationship for emotional abuse. I guess our society will have made a huge leap forward when that does happen. Eliza > > > > So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). > > Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. > > > > Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. > > > > Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. > > > > Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012  Eliza.  I am going to get my blank card, too.  It does seem to be the easiest thing.  We all have to deal with things the best we can for our own mental health. Thank you and Annie for " getting it "  Cheryl ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, May 7, 2012 1:21 AM Subject: Re: New to this -  Welcome Cheryl you'll find people who get it here. I just went and bought my usual blank mother's day cards. I find getting a really pretty card that's blank and just writing happy mother's day in it is all I can deal with. And given how profoundly my mothers(long story) are failing me right now neither deserve a friggin card of any description. But I just can't handle rocking the boat and making a stand right now, so I try to meet expectations in a way that doesn't make me throw up. And Annie as always you are so on point. Our society so far does not give any understanding for those who want distance on the adult child / parent relationship for emotional abuse. I guess our society will have made a huge leap forward when that does happen. Eliza > > > > So glad I joined this group. 50 years old and feeling like no-one else knew how horrible having a nada was(just learned the abbreviation for how I have always felt). > > Mothers day always stinks. Seeing the posts about finding funny cards, kids cards or just a flower. Things I have always done. Those sappy cards just make me angry or sad. > > > > Seeing that I am not alone. Others have suffered the same crap. That there is support. > > > > Tried so hard this year to make headway with shrinks, social workers, doctors to just get beaten down and blamed. So much baggage. > > > > Thank you all for being so honest and helping me already with your honesty. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 Dear Cheryl: Thanks you for sharing your feelings. Your exact words could have been written by me. It is so tiring to feel like no one believes me, or I'm the *crazy* one, or over-reacting. I'm 60 and just starting to figure this out....but hey 50 is the new 30 and 60 is the new 40 right?! ;-) We both still have time to have some joy in our lives! Plus, I'm gonna take full advantage of the old excuse: " I'm going through my second childhood! " > > Annie, > All my life people have not believed me or blamed me. Even as a young > child, I had to deal with and hide from our " dirty little secret " . > Now, even social workers cannot seem to grasp the extent of this kind of > abuse. No-one listens. They only care about the BP. I was very lucky > to have a grandmother that showed me unconditional love, otherwise I'm > not sure who I would be now. > I am finally starting to talk " out loud " about this. > You are so right. We should be cut some slack. We are not the bad > guys. We are the victims. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of > people saying I am blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of > being the primary focus of someones anger. I am tired of defending > myself and apologizing for things I never did. I am tired of feeling > guilty. I am tired. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 Dear Cheryl: Thanks you for sharing your feelings. Your exact words could have been written by me. It is so tiring to feel like no one believes me, or I'm the *crazy* one, or over-reacting. I'm 60 and just starting to figure this out....but hey 50 is the new 30 and 60 is the new 40 right?! ;-) We both still have time to have some joy in our lives! Plus, I'm gonna take full advantage of the old excuse: " I'm going through my second childhood! " > > Annie, > All my life people have not believed me or blamed me. Even as a young > child, I had to deal with and hide from our " dirty little secret " . > Now, even social workers cannot seem to grasp the extent of this kind of > abuse. No-one listens. They only care about the BP. I was very lucky > to have a grandmother that showed me unconditional love, otherwise I'm > not sure who I would be now. > I am finally starting to talk " out loud " about this. > You are so right. We should be cut some slack. We are not the bad > guys. We are the victims. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of > people saying I am blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of > being the primary focus of someones anger. I am tired of defending > myself and apologizing for things I never did. I am tired of feeling > guilty. I am tired. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 Dear Cheryl: Thanks you for sharing your feelings. Your exact words could have been written by me. It is so tiring to feel like no one believes me, or I'm the *crazy* one, or over-reacting. I'm 60 and just starting to figure this out....but hey 50 is the new 30 and 60 is the new 40 right?! ;-) We both still have time to have some joy in our lives! Plus, I'm gonna take full advantage of the old excuse: " I'm going through my second childhood! " > > Annie, > All my life people have not believed me or blamed me. Even as a young > child, I had to deal with and hide from our " dirty little secret " . > Now, even social workers cannot seem to grasp the extent of this kind of > abuse. No-one listens. They only care about the BP. I was very lucky > to have a grandmother that showed me unconditional love, otherwise I'm > not sure who I would be now. > I am finally starting to talk " out loud " about this. > You are so right. We should be cut some slack. We are not the bad > guys. We are the victims. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of > people saying I am blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of > being the primary focus of someones anger. I am tired of defending > myself and apologizing for things I never did. I am tired of feeling > guilty. I am tired. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 I agree: it always seems to boil down to us not being patient enough, not understanding our poor nadas, not respecting them the way we should. I finally broke down today and asked my doctor for a referral to a counselor because although I'm able to deal with nada's usual negativity and criticism, when she rips us new ones over the phone, essentially disowns us because we're " too busy " , it still gets to me. I get sick, my heart acts very badly. I need more input than what I've read in the books. As for " blowing things out of proportion " I've questioned myself about that too. Yesterday while I was in a very bad place emotionally, I decided to just sit down and write whatever memories I have of my nada, from earliest memory to most recent. I didn't try too hard to dig up stuff. I just rambled. I easily got 4 pages of memories about how she treated me. When I go to the counselor, I'm going to print it out, hand it to her and ask, " OK, tell me - is this normal? " We'll see what happens. I'm with you - so tired of hiding it, covering up and making excuses for her. I don't expect her to ever change or understand me or even like me. But if I'm going to be caring for her (never at my home), then I need some balls. > > Annie, > All my life people have not believed me or blamed me. Even as a young > child, I had to deal with and hide from our " dirty little secret " . > Now, even social workers cannot seem to grasp the extent of this kind of > abuse. No-one listens. They only care about the BP. I was very lucky > to have a grandmother that showed me unconditional love, otherwise I'm > not sure who I would be now. > I am finally starting to talk " out loud " about this. > You are so right. We should be cut some slack. We are not the bad > guys. We are the victims. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of > people saying I am blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of > being the primary focus of someones anger. I am tired of defending > myself and apologizing for things I never did. I am tired of feeling > guilty. I am tired. > Thank you. It was much more than two cents worth. Your support is a > million dollars worth. > Cheryl > - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 I agree: it always seems to boil down to us not being patient enough, not understanding our poor nadas, not respecting them the way we should. I finally broke down today and asked my doctor for a referral to a counselor because although I'm able to deal with nada's usual negativity and criticism, when she rips us new ones over the phone, essentially disowns us because we're " too busy " , it still gets to me. I get sick, my heart acts very badly. I need more input than what I've read in the books. As for " blowing things out of proportion " I've questioned myself about that too. Yesterday while I was in a very bad place emotionally, I decided to just sit down and write whatever memories I have of my nada, from earliest memory to most recent. I didn't try too hard to dig up stuff. I just rambled. I easily got 4 pages of memories about how she treated me. When I go to the counselor, I'm going to print it out, hand it to her and ask, " OK, tell me - is this normal? " We'll see what happens. I'm with you - so tired of hiding it, covering up and making excuses for her. I don't expect her to ever change or understand me or even like me. But if I'm going to be caring for her (never at my home), then I need some balls. > > Annie, > All my life people have not believed me or blamed me. Even as a young > child, I had to deal with and hide from our " dirty little secret " . > Now, even social workers cannot seem to grasp the extent of this kind of > abuse. No-one listens. They only care about the BP. I was very lucky > to have a grandmother that showed me unconditional love, otherwise I'm > not sure who I would be now. > I am finally starting to talk " out loud " about this. > You are so right. We should be cut some slack. We are not the bad > guys. We are the victims. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of > people saying I am blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of > being the primary focus of someones anger. I am tired of defending > myself and apologizing for things I never did. I am tired of feeling > guilty. I am tired. > Thank you. It was much more than two cents worth. Your support is a > million dollars worth. > Cheryl > - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 I agree: it always seems to boil down to us not being patient enough, not understanding our poor nadas, not respecting them the way we should. I finally broke down today and asked my doctor for a referral to a counselor because although I'm able to deal with nada's usual negativity and criticism, when she rips us new ones over the phone, essentially disowns us because we're " too busy " , it still gets to me. I get sick, my heart acts very badly. I need more input than what I've read in the books. As for " blowing things out of proportion " I've questioned myself about that too. Yesterday while I was in a very bad place emotionally, I decided to just sit down and write whatever memories I have of my nada, from earliest memory to most recent. I didn't try too hard to dig up stuff. I just rambled. I easily got 4 pages of memories about how she treated me. When I go to the counselor, I'm going to print it out, hand it to her and ask, " OK, tell me - is this normal? " We'll see what happens. I'm with you - so tired of hiding it, covering up and making excuses for her. I don't expect her to ever change or understand me or even like me. But if I'm going to be caring for her (never at my home), then I need some balls. > > Annie, > All my life people have not believed me or blamed me. Even as a young > child, I had to deal with and hide from our " dirty little secret " . > Now, even social workers cannot seem to grasp the extent of this kind of > abuse. No-one listens. They only care about the BP. I was very lucky > to have a grandmother that showed me unconditional love, otherwise I'm > not sure who I would be now. > I am finally starting to talk " out loud " about this. > You are so right. We should be cut some slack. We are not the bad > guys. We are the victims. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of > people saying I am blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of > being the primary focus of someones anger. I am tired of defending > myself and apologizing for things I never did. I am tired of feeling > guilty. I am tired. > Thank you. It was much more than two cents worth. Your support is a > million dollars worth. > Cheryl > - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 I can assure u their behavior is not " normal " . It is evil, it is intricately planned out. They know how to push your buttons, and they know what " works " with you. When something doesn't feel right, listen to your heart. Set boundaries. The criticism.......when u put a stop to the criticism towards u (which can take persistance), then they will criticize others in front of you. It's not acceptable. Laurie In a message dated 5/7/2012 2:59:00 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, ireneo55@... writes: I agree: it always seems to boil down to us not being patient enough, not understanding our poor nadas, not respecting them the way we should. I finally broke down today and asked my doctor for a referral to a counselor because although I'm able to deal with nada's usual negativity and criticism, when she rips us new ones over the phone, essentially disowns us because we're " too busy " , it still gets to me. I get sick, my heart acts very badly. I need more input than what I've read in the books. As for " blowing things out of proportion " I've questioned myself about that too. Yesterday while I was in a very bad place emotionally, I decided to just sit down and write whatever memories I have of my nada, from earliest memory to most recent. I didn't try too hard to dig up stuff. I just rambled. I easily got 4 pages of memories about how she treated me. When I go to the counselor, I'm going to print it out, hand it to her and ask, " OK, tell me - is this normal? " We'll see what happens. I'm with you - so tired of hiding it, covering up and making excuses for her. I don't expect her to ever change or understand me or even like me. But if I'm going to be caring for her (never at my home), then I need some balls. > > Annie, > All my life people have not believed me or blamed me. Even as a young > child, I had to deal with and hide from our " dirty little secret " . > Now, even social workers cannot seem to grasp the extent of this kind of > abuse. No-one listens. They only care about the BP. I was very lucky > to have a grandmother that showed me unconditional love, otherwise I'm > not sure who I would be now. > I am finally starting to talk " out loud " about this. > You are so right. We should be cut some slack. We are not the bad > guys. We are the victims. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of > people saying I am blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of > being the primary focus of someones anger. I am tired of defending > myself and apologizing for things I never did. I am tired of feeling > guilty. I am tired. > Thank you. It was much more than two cents worth. Your support is a > million dollars worth. > Cheryl > - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 I can assure u their behavior is not " normal " . It is evil, it is intricately planned out. They know how to push your buttons, and they know what " works " with you. When something doesn't feel right, listen to your heart. Set boundaries. The criticism.......when u put a stop to the criticism towards u (which can take persistance), then they will criticize others in front of you. It's not acceptable. Laurie In a message dated 5/7/2012 2:59:00 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, ireneo55@... writes: I agree: it always seems to boil down to us not being patient enough, not understanding our poor nadas, not respecting them the way we should. I finally broke down today and asked my doctor for a referral to a counselor because although I'm able to deal with nada's usual negativity and criticism, when she rips us new ones over the phone, essentially disowns us because we're " too busy " , it still gets to me. I get sick, my heart acts very badly. I need more input than what I've read in the books. As for " blowing things out of proportion " I've questioned myself about that too. Yesterday while I was in a very bad place emotionally, I decided to just sit down and write whatever memories I have of my nada, from earliest memory to most recent. I didn't try too hard to dig up stuff. I just rambled. I easily got 4 pages of memories about how she treated me. When I go to the counselor, I'm going to print it out, hand it to her and ask, " OK, tell me - is this normal? " We'll see what happens. I'm with you - so tired of hiding it, covering up and making excuses for her. I don't expect her to ever change or understand me or even like me. But if I'm going to be caring for her (never at my home), then I need some balls. > > Annie, > All my life people have not believed me or blamed me. Even as a young > child, I had to deal with and hide from our " dirty little secret " . > Now, even social workers cannot seem to grasp the extent of this kind of > abuse. No-one listens. They only care about the BP. I was very lucky > to have a grandmother that showed me unconditional love, otherwise I'm > not sure who I would be now. > I am finally starting to talk " out loud " about this. > You are so right. We should be cut some slack. We are not the bad > guys. We are the victims. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of > people saying I am blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of > being the primary focus of someones anger. I am tired of defending > myself and apologizing for things I never did. I am tired of feeling > guilty. I am tired. > Thank you. It was much more than two cents worth. Your support is a > million dollars worth. > Cheryl > - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 I can assure u their behavior is not " normal " . It is evil, it is intricately planned out. They know how to push your buttons, and they know what " works " with you. When something doesn't feel right, listen to your heart. Set boundaries. The criticism.......when u put a stop to the criticism towards u (which can take persistance), then they will criticize others in front of you. It's not acceptable. Laurie In a message dated 5/7/2012 2:59:00 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, ireneo55@... writes: I agree: it always seems to boil down to us not being patient enough, not understanding our poor nadas, not respecting them the way we should. I finally broke down today and asked my doctor for a referral to a counselor because although I'm able to deal with nada's usual negativity and criticism, when she rips us new ones over the phone, essentially disowns us because we're " too busy " , it still gets to me. I get sick, my heart acts very badly. I need more input than what I've read in the books. As for " blowing things out of proportion " I've questioned myself about that too. Yesterday while I was in a very bad place emotionally, I decided to just sit down and write whatever memories I have of my nada, from earliest memory to most recent. I didn't try too hard to dig up stuff. I just rambled. I easily got 4 pages of memories about how she treated me. When I go to the counselor, I'm going to print it out, hand it to her and ask, " OK, tell me - is this normal? " We'll see what happens. I'm with you - so tired of hiding it, covering up and making excuses for her. I don't expect her to ever change or understand me or even like me. But if I'm going to be caring for her (never at my home), then I need some balls. > > Annie, > All my life people have not believed me or blamed me. Even as a young > child, I had to deal with and hide from our " dirty little secret " . > Now, even social workers cannot seem to grasp the extent of this kind of > abuse. No-one listens. They only care about the BP. I was very lucky > to have a grandmother that showed me unconditional love, otherwise I'm > not sure who I would be now. > I am finally starting to talk " out loud " about this. > You are so right. We should be cut some slack. We are not the bad > guys. We are the victims. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of > people saying I am blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of > being the primary focus of someones anger. I am tired of defending > myself and apologizing for things I never did. I am tired of feeling > guilty. I am tired. > Thank you. It was much more than two cents worth. Your support is a > million dollars worth. > Cheryl > - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 Yay for getting a counselor! Because you are too busy and that's okay! It's normal! When I am 83 my daughter will be 57 and I will expect her to have her own life, not to be catering to my every whim and desire. I may need help, hopefully not, but if I do will only ask her to help me find ways to live safely that don't take her every waking moment - i.e. perhaps if I were to need help finding a caregiver or going into some kind of assisted living situation. (shudder) If she's NOT busy with her own life , I'll think I have failed as a parent. But of course you were programmed by nada from birth, as we all were, so it's only natural that this is upsetting to you, as it was to me when I had the " guilt trips " laid on. > I finally broke down today and asked my doctor for a referral to a counselor because although I'm able to deal with nada's usual negativity and criticism, when she rips us new ones over the phone, essentially disowns us because we're " too busy " , it still gets to me. I get sick, my heart acts very badly. I need more input than what I've read in the books. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 Yay for getting a counselor! Because you are too busy and that's okay! It's normal! When I am 83 my daughter will be 57 and I will expect her to have her own life, not to be catering to my every whim and desire. I may need help, hopefully not, but if I do will only ask her to help me find ways to live safely that don't take her every waking moment - i.e. perhaps if I were to need help finding a caregiver or going into some kind of assisted living situation. (shudder) If she's NOT busy with her own life , I'll think I have failed as a parent. But of course you were programmed by nada from birth, as we all were, so it's only natural that this is upsetting to you, as it was to me when I had the " guilt trips " laid on. > I finally broke down today and asked my doctor for a referral to a counselor because although I'm able to deal with nada's usual negativity and criticism, when she rips us new ones over the phone, essentially disowns us because we're " too busy " , it still gets to me. I get sick, my heart acts very badly. I need more input than what I've read in the books. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2012 Report Share Posted May 7, 2012 Yay for getting a counselor! Because you are too busy and that's okay! It's normal! When I am 83 my daughter will be 57 and I will expect her to have her own life, not to be catering to my every whim and desire. I may need help, hopefully not, but if I do will only ask her to help me find ways to live safely that don't take her every waking moment - i.e. perhaps if I were to need help finding a caregiver or going into some kind of assisted living situation. (shudder) If she's NOT busy with her own life , I'll think I have failed as a parent. But of course you were programmed by nada from birth, as we all were, so it's only natural that this is upsetting to you, as it was to me when I had the " guilt trips " laid on. > I finally broke down today and asked my doctor for a referral to a counselor because although I'm able to deal with nada's usual negativity and criticism, when she rips us new ones over the phone, essentially disowns us because we're " too busy " , it still gets to me. I get sick, my heart acts very badly. I need more input than what I've read in the books. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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