Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 Hi Irene, I hear ya I feel in need of some bigger lady balls myself. Standing up to them is something they've engineered us never to do without some sort of internal self-destruct system. I have yet to find the counselor who can help me defuse it though. I hope you find a good one. eliza > > I agree: it always seems to boil down to us not being patient enough, not understanding our poor nadas, not respecting them the way we should. > > I finally broke down today and asked my doctor for a referral to a counselor because although I'm able to deal with nada's usual negativity and criticism, when she rips us new ones over the phone, essentially disowns us because we're " too busy " , it still gets to me. I get sick, my heart acts very badly. I need more input than what I've read in the books. > > As for " blowing things out of proportion " I've questioned myself about that too. Yesterday while I was in a very bad place emotionally, I decided to just sit down and write whatever memories I have of my nada, from earliest memory to most recent. I didn't try too hard to dig up stuff. I just rambled. I easily got 4 pages of memories about how she treated me. When I go to the counselor, I'm going to print it out, hand it to her and ask, " OK, tell me - is this normal? " > > We'll see what happens. I'm with you - so tired of hiding it, covering up and making excuses for her. I don't expect her to ever change or understand me or even like me. But if I'm going to be caring for her (never at my home), then I need some balls. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 Hi Irene, I hear ya I feel in need of some bigger lady balls myself. Standing up to them is something they've engineered us never to do without some sort of internal self-destruct system. I have yet to find the counselor who can help me defuse it though. I hope you find a good one. eliza > > I agree: it always seems to boil down to us not being patient enough, not understanding our poor nadas, not respecting them the way we should. > > I finally broke down today and asked my doctor for a referral to a counselor because although I'm able to deal with nada's usual negativity and criticism, when she rips us new ones over the phone, essentially disowns us because we're " too busy " , it still gets to me. I get sick, my heart acts very badly. I need more input than what I've read in the books. > > As for " blowing things out of proportion " I've questioned myself about that too. Yesterday while I was in a very bad place emotionally, I decided to just sit down and write whatever memories I have of my nada, from earliest memory to most recent. I didn't try too hard to dig up stuff. I just rambled. I easily got 4 pages of memories about how she treated me. When I go to the counselor, I'm going to print it out, hand it to her and ask, " OK, tell me - is this normal? " > > We'll see what happens. I'm with you - so tired of hiding it, covering up and making excuses for her. I don't expect her to ever change or understand me or even like me. But if I'm going to be caring for her (never at my home), then I need some balls. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 Hi Irene, I hear ya I feel in need of some bigger lady balls myself. Standing up to them is something they've engineered us never to do without some sort of internal self-destruct system. I have yet to find the counselor who can help me defuse it though. I hope you find a good one. eliza > > I agree: it always seems to boil down to us not being patient enough, not understanding our poor nadas, not respecting them the way we should. > > I finally broke down today and asked my doctor for a referral to a counselor because although I'm able to deal with nada's usual negativity and criticism, when she rips us new ones over the phone, essentially disowns us because we're " too busy " , it still gets to me. I get sick, my heart acts very badly. I need more input than what I've read in the books. > > As for " blowing things out of proportion " I've questioned myself about that too. Yesterday while I was in a very bad place emotionally, I decided to just sit down and write whatever memories I have of my nada, from earliest memory to most recent. I didn't try too hard to dig up stuff. I just rambled. I easily got 4 pages of memories about how she treated me. When I go to the counselor, I'm going to print it out, hand it to her and ask, " OK, tell me - is this normal? " > > We'll see what happens. I'm with you - so tired of hiding it, covering up and making excuses for her. I don't expect her to ever change or understand me or even like me. But if I'm going to be caring for her (never at my home), then I need some balls. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 Sometimes, what we're up against is giving ourselves permission to get angry: REALLY angry, when someone is being cruel or unjust or abusive to us (or to others.) I'm not saying giving ourselves permission to be cruel or unjust or abusive in return, just giving ourselves permission to be assertive and protective. Righteous indignation/anger IS the proper response to bullying, to cruelty and injustice. Anger allows us to take protective action instead of freezing in place or fleeing or fawning/placating the bully. I agree, our personality-disordered parents tried to kill off our ability to feel righteous indignation or anger over being mistreated by them: a child who would actively protect herself or another sibling, stand up to the parent, threaten to tell other adults about being abused, or run away (and tell) is an alarming threat to the pd parent. So the personality-disordered parent instead (consciously or subconsciously?) brainwashes the child, making the child believe that all the abuse or exploitation or neglect inflicted is actually " parental love and caring " , and that its the child's obligation to just accept however her parent treats her, because she deserves it. Or the parent threatens worse punishment if the child tells anyone, or the parent threatens to destroy the child's credibility so that nobody will believe her. But I think the main weapon is to destroy the child's sense of self-worth: " You deserve this, because you are so thoroughly bad/unlovable/inadequate/stupid etc. " Obliterating the child's self-esteem will cause the child to never question her treatment, or tell anyone about it out of deep shame. This is why my main rant, my soap-box, is that those with moderate to severe untreated Cluster B pds should not be raising children alone and unsupervised. I don't think they should even be left alone with children for a visit. Such individuals are not *parenting*, they are actually *exploiting* the total power that a parent has over their children, who have no choice but to believe that what is done to them is done out of love and is in their best interest even if it doesn't feel like it. Personality disordered parents betray the abject trust their child has for them and selfishly, callously exploit that trust to fulfill their own needs, because they are not capable of real love. A person who lacks the capacity to feel affective empathy for others can't really comprehend love, because feeling another person's feelings as your own and wishing for the other person's happiness above your own is a key component of love. I think the closest that a person with a Cluster B pd can come to " love " is the way most people feel about the brand-new car they just bought. Its a pale, sickly imitation of actual love; more like " ownership. " I know my views are politically incorrect and harsh, but, I recently read a couple of studies; one proposing that the Cluster B pds may be just a sub-clinical form of psychopathy, and the other proposing that borderline pd may be the " female phenotypic expression of psychopathy. " That really resonated with me. I'm betting that future studies will draw similar conclusions. -Annie > > Hi Irene, I hear ya I feel in need of some bigger lady balls myself. Standing up to them is something they've engineered us never to do without some sort of internal self-destruct system. I have yet to find the counselor who can help me defuse it though. I hope you find a good one. > > eliza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 Sometimes, what we're up against is giving ourselves permission to get angry: REALLY angry, when someone is being cruel or unjust or abusive to us (or to others.) I'm not saying giving ourselves permission to be cruel or unjust or abusive in return, just giving ourselves permission to be assertive and protective. Righteous indignation/anger IS the proper response to bullying, to cruelty and injustice. Anger allows us to take protective action instead of freezing in place or fleeing or fawning/placating the bully. I agree, our personality-disordered parents tried to kill off our ability to feel righteous indignation or anger over being mistreated by them: a child who would actively protect herself or another sibling, stand up to the parent, threaten to tell other adults about being abused, or run away (and tell) is an alarming threat to the pd parent. So the personality-disordered parent instead (consciously or subconsciously?) brainwashes the child, making the child believe that all the abuse or exploitation or neglect inflicted is actually " parental love and caring " , and that its the child's obligation to just accept however her parent treats her, because she deserves it. Or the parent threatens worse punishment if the child tells anyone, or the parent threatens to destroy the child's credibility so that nobody will believe her. But I think the main weapon is to destroy the child's sense of self-worth: " You deserve this, because you are so thoroughly bad/unlovable/inadequate/stupid etc. " Obliterating the child's self-esteem will cause the child to never question her treatment, or tell anyone about it out of deep shame. This is why my main rant, my soap-box, is that those with moderate to severe untreated Cluster B pds should not be raising children alone and unsupervised. I don't think they should even be left alone with children for a visit. Such individuals are not *parenting*, they are actually *exploiting* the total power that a parent has over their children, who have no choice but to believe that what is done to them is done out of love and is in their best interest even if it doesn't feel like it. Personality disordered parents betray the abject trust their child has for them and selfishly, callously exploit that trust to fulfill their own needs, because they are not capable of real love. A person who lacks the capacity to feel affective empathy for others can't really comprehend love, because feeling another person's feelings as your own and wishing for the other person's happiness above your own is a key component of love. I think the closest that a person with a Cluster B pd can come to " love " is the way most people feel about the brand-new car they just bought. Its a pale, sickly imitation of actual love; more like " ownership. " I know my views are politically incorrect and harsh, but, I recently read a couple of studies; one proposing that the Cluster B pds may be just a sub-clinical form of psychopathy, and the other proposing that borderline pd may be the " female phenotypic expression of psychopathy. " That really resonated with me. I'm betting that future studies will draw similar conclusions. -Annie > > Hi Irene, I hear ya I feel in need of some bigger lady balls myself. Standing up to them is something they've engineered us never to do without some sort of internal self-destruct system. I have yet to find the counselor who can help me defuse it though. I hope you find a good one. > > eliza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 Annie you nailed it, perfectly. Laurie In a message dated 5/8/2012 11:39:07 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, anuria-67854@... writes: Sometimes, what we're up against is giving ourselves permission to get angry: REALLY angry, when someone is being cruel or unjust or abusive to us (or to others.) I'm not saying giving ourselves permission to be cruel or unjust or abusive in return, just giving ourselves permission to be assertive and protective. Righteous indignation/anger IS the proper response to bullying, to cruelty and injustice. Anger allows us to take protective action instead of freezing in place or fleeing or fawning/placating the bully. I agree, our personality-disordered parents tried to kill off our ability to feel righteous indignation or anger over being mistreated by them: a child who would actively protect herself or another sibling, stand up to the parent, threaten to tell other adults about being abused, or run away (and tell) is an alarming threat to the pd parent. So the personality-disordered parent instead (consciously or subconsciously?) brainwashes the child, making the child believe that all the abuse or exploitation or neglect inflicted is actually " parental love and caring " , and that its the child's obligation to just accept however her parent treats her, because she deserves it. Or the parent threatens worse punishment if the child tells anyone, or the parent threatens to destroy the child's credibility so that nobody will believe her. But I think the main weapon is to destroy the child's sense of self-worth: " You deserve this, because you are so thoroughly bad/unlovable/inadequate/stupid etc. " Obliterating the child's self-esteem will cause the child to never question her treatment, or tell anyone about it out of deep shame. This is why my main rant, my soap-box, is that those with moderate to severe untreated Cluster B pds should not be raising children alone and unsupervised. I don't think they should even be left alone with children for a visit. Such individuals are not *parenting*, they are actually *exploiting* the total power that a parent has over their children, who have no choice but to believe that what is done to them is done out of love and is in their best interest even if it doesn't feel like it. Personality disordered parents betray the abject trust their child has for them and selfishly, callously exploit that trust to fulfill their own needs, because they are not capable of real love. A person who lacks the capacity to feel affective empathy for others can't really comprehend love, because feeling another person's feelings as your own and wishing for the other person's happiness above your own is a key component of love. I think the closest that a person with a Cluster B pd can come to " love " is the way most people feel about the brand-new car they just bought. Its a pale, sickly imitation of actual love; more like " ownership. " I know my views are politically incorrect and harsh, but, I recently read a couple of studies; one proposing that the Cluster B pds may be just a sub-clinical form of psychopathy, and the other proposing that borderline pd may be the " female phenotypic expression of psychopathy. " That really resonated with me. I'm betting that future studies will draw similar conclusions. -Annie > > Hi Irene, I hear ya I feel in need of some bigger lady balls myself. Standing up to them is something they've engineered us never to do without some sort of internal self-destruct system. I have yet to find the counselor who can help me defuse it though. I hope you find a good one. > > eliza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 Annie you nailed it, perfectly. Laurie In a message dated 5/8/2012 11:39:07 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, anuria-67854@... writes: Sometimes, what we're up against is giving ourselves permission to get angry: REALLY angry, when someone is being cruel or unjust or abusive to us (or to others.) I'm not saying giving ourselves permission to be cruel or unjust or abusive in return, just giving ourselves permission to be assertive and protective. Righteous indignation/anger IS the proper response to bullying, to cruelty and injustice. Anger allows us to take protective action instead of freezing in place or fleeing or fawning/placating the bully. I agree, our personality-disordered parents tried to kill off our ability to feel righteous indignation or anger over being mistreated by them: a child who would actively protect herself or another sibling, stand up to the parent, threaten to tell other adults about being abused, or run away (and tell) is an alarming threat to the pd parent. So the personality-disordered parent instead (consciously or subconsciously?) brainwashes the child, making the child believe that all the abuse or exploitation or neglect inflicted is actually " parental love and caring " , and that its the child's obligation to just accept however her parent treats her, because she deserves it. Or the parent threatens worse punishment if the child tells anyone, or the parent threatens to destroy the child's credibility so that nobody will believe her. But I think the main weapon is to destroy the child's sense of self-worth: " You deserve this, because you are so thoroughly bad/unlovable/inadequate/stupid etc. " Obliterating the child's self-esteem will cause the child to never question her treatment, or tell anyone about it out of deep shame. This is why my main rant, my soap-box, is that those with moderate to severe untreated Cluster B pds should not be raising children alone and unsupervised. I don't think they should even be left alone with children for a visit. Such individuals are not *parenting*, they are actually *exploiting* the total power that a parent has over their children, who have no choice but to believe that what is done to them is done out of love and is in their best interest even if it doesn't feel like it. Personality disordered parents betray the abject trust their child has for them and selfishly, callously exploit that trust to fulfill their own needs, because they are not capable of real love. A person who lacks the capacity to feel affective empathy for others can't really comprehend love, because feeling another person's feelings as your own and wishing for the other person's happiness above your own is a key component of love. I think the closest that a person with a Cluster B pd can come to " love " is the way most people feel about the brand-new car they just bought. Its a pale, sickly imitation of actual love; more like " ownership. " I know my views are politically incorrect and harsh, but, I recently read a couple of studies; one proposing that the Cluster B pds may be just a sub-clinical form of psychopathy, and the other proposing that borderline pd may be the " female phenotypic expression of psychopathy. " That really resonated with me. I'm betting that future studies will draw similar conclusions. -Annie > > Hi Irene, I hear ya I feel in need of some bigger lady balls myself. Standing up to them is something they've engineered us never to do without some sort of internal self-destruct system. I have yet to find the counselor who can help me defuse it though. I hope you find a good one. > > eliza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 Annie you nailed it, perfectly. Laurie In a message dated 5/8/2012 11:39:07 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, anuria-67854@... writes: Sometimes, what we're up against is giving ourselves permission to get angry: REALLY angry, when someone is being cruel or unjust or abusive to us (or to others.) I'm not saying giving ourselves permission to be cruel or unjust or abusive in return, just giving ourselves permission to be assertive and protective. Righteous indignation/anger IS the proper response to bullying, to cruelty and injustice. Anger allows us to take protective action instead of freezing in place or fleeing or fawning/placating the bully. I agree, our personality-disordered parents tried to kill off our ability to feel righteous indignation or anger over being mistreated by them: a child who would actively protect herself or another sibling, stand up to the parent, threaten to tell other adults about being abused, or run away (and tell) is an alarming threat to the pd parent. So the personality-disordered parent instead (consciously or subconsciously?) brainwashes the child, making the child believe that all the abuse or exploitation or neglect inflicted is actually " parental love and caring " , and that its the child's obligation to just accept however her parent treats her, because she deserves it. Or the parent threatens worse punishment if the child tells anyone, or the parent threatens to destroy the child's credibility so that nobody will believe her. But I think the main weapon is to destroy the child's sense of self-worth: " You deserve this, because you are so thoroughly bad/unlovable/inadequate/stupid etc. " Obliterating the child's self-esteem will cause the child to never question her treatment, or tell anyone about it out of deep shame. This is why my main rant, my soap-box, is that those with moderate to severe untreated Cluster B pds should not be raising children alone and unsupervised. I don't think they should even be left alone with children for a visit. Such individuals are not *parenting*, they are actually *exploiting* the total power that a parent has over their children, who have no choice but to believe that what is done to them is done out of love and is in their best interest even if it doesn't feel like it. Personality disordered parents betray the abject trust their child has for them and selfishly, callously exploit that trust to fulfill their own needs, because they are not capable of real love. A person who lacks the capacity to feel affective empathy for others can't really comprehend love, because feeling another person's feelings as your own and wishing for the other person's happiness above your own is a key component of love. I think the closest that a person with a Cluster B pd can come to " love " is the way most people feel about the brand-new car they just bought. Its a pale, sickly imitation of actual love; more like " ownership. " I know my views are politically incorrect and harsh, but, I recently read a couple of studies; one proposing that the Cluster B pds may be just a sub-clinical form of psychopathy, and the other proposing that borderline pd may be the " female phenotypic expression of psychopathy. " That really resonated with me. I'm betting that future studies will draw similar conclusions. -Annie > > Hi Irene, I hear ya I feel in need of some bigger lady balls myself. Standing up to them is something they've engineered us never to do without some sort of internal self-destruct system. I have yet to find the counselor who can help me defuse it though. I hope you find a good one. > > eliza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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