self-sabotage revisited (crushing self-doubt)

[Guest guest]

Hi, guys. Needing some moral support - again! 

The background: I am a singer. I've always loved to sing, and I'm halfway

decent. After I lost my job, I started looking for ways to make more money, and

I thought, 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I got paid to sing?' So I auditioned for

one of our local professional choirs. The director sent some practice materials

well beforehand (which I really didn't practice until an hour before the

audition). I went in and started singing, and everything was fine until we got

to the sight singing section. It was Sunday afternoon after a long morning at

church, I was nervous and tired, and I sort of bombed that part. Well, but

here's the thing: I didn't completely bomb it because he put me in the middle of

his list, not the bottom (because I was actually able to do OK the second or

third time through...). And he said I have a beautiful voice, and I should be

singing SOMEWHERE. He just couldn't use me with HIS group at that time. 

Nevertheless, I (being the classic KO that I am) took that very mild rejection

and ran with it. " I'm no good. I can't sing. I just wasted an hour of that man's

time. I can't ever do anything right. " Blah, blah, blah. You know, all that

lovely negative self-talk. This was back in August. 

And this brings me to my current " problem. " Nearly a year later, I'm actually

considering giving this another try - with another group. I know what I can do

to improve my chances. I know what I SHOULD do. And still, the negative

self-talk is effectively keeping me from acting AT ALL. I just want to send an

email to this director and say, " Hey. I'd like to audition for your choir, but I

wasn't good enough for so-and-so's choir, so you probably don't want me

either. "  

Ugh! I'm so pathetic! Do normal people go through this? I mean, you hear of

people going from one audition to another and another, and I want to give up

after just ONE, telling myself that I'll NEVER make it!  

[Guest guest]

Maybe if you get a singing coach, he or she could give you the validation and

emotional support you need to build up your confidence, plus a coach could

teach/train you to sight read better so you could go after the kind of

professional/paid singing jobs you want. If money is a problem, perhaps you

could seek out a mentor at your local church choir to help you with the

sight-reading, or maybe there is a nearby college that teaches singing and a

student there would like a little extra money to help you improve your sight

reading.

I like to sing and play music for fun, but I'm at a strictly amateur level.

However, I found myself allowed to participate in a professional-level public

Christmas show that the big company I worked for was putting on. Me and the

other employee amateur singers were required to attend every one of the 12

rehearsals for this show so we could learn our parts cold. So, I was in real

awe and admiration of the professional orchestral musicians who came in for

their first of only TWO rehearsals for this big show. There were about a

hundred of them and they were dead-on accurate with their sight-reading of the

whole hour's worth of complicated pieces.

Anyway, I hope you will be able to stop running your nada's negativity tapes in

your head, even though that's not easy. Maybe getting a coach and learning to

sight read confidently can help shut those tapes off for good. Thumb's up of

encouragement from me!

-Annie

>

> Hi, guys. Needing some moral support - again! 

>

> The background: I am a singer. I've always loved to sing, and I'm halfway

decent. After I lost my job, I started looking for ways to make more money, and

I thought, 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I got paid to sing?' So I auditioned for

one of our local professional choirs. The director sent some practice materials

well beforehand (which I really didn't practice until an hour before the

audition). I went in and started singing, and everything was fine until we got

to the sight singing section. It was Sunday afternoon after a long morning at

church, I was nervous and tired, and I sort of bombed that part. Well, but

here's the thing: I didn't completely bomb it because he put me in the middle of

his list, not the bottom (because I was actually able to do OK the second or

third time through...). And he said I have a beautiful voice, and I should be

singing SOMEWHERE. He just couldn't use me with HIS group at that time. 

>

> Nevertheless, I (being the classic KO that I am) took that very mild rejection

and ran with it. " I'm no good. I can't sing. I just wasted an hour of that man's

time. I can't ever do anything right. " Blah, blah, blah. You know, all that

lovely negative self-talk. This was back in August. 

>

> And this brings me to my current " problem. " Nearly a year later, I'm actually

considering giving this another try - with another group. I know what I can do

to improve my chances. I know what I SHOULD do. And still, the negative

self-talk is effectively keeping me from acting AT ALL. I just want to send an

email to this director and say, " Hey. I'd like to audition for your choir, but I

wasn't good enough for so-and-so's choir, so you probably don't want me

either. "  

>

> Ugh! I'm so pathetic! Do normal people go through this? I mean, you hear of

people going from one audition to another and another, and I want to give up

after just ONE, telling myself that I'll NEVER make it!  

>

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe if you get a singing coach, he or she could give you the validation and

emotional support you need to build up your confidence, plus a coach could

teach/train you to sight read better so you could go after the kind of

professional/paid singing jobs you want. If money is a problem, perhaps you

could seek out a mentor at your local church choir to help you with the

sight-reading, or maybe there is a nearby college that teaches singing and a

student there would like a little extra money to help you improve your sight

reading.

I like to sing and play music for fun, but I'm at a strictly amateur level.

However, I found myself allowed to participate in a professional-level public

Christmas show that the big company I worked for was putting on. Me and the

other employee amateur singers were required to attend every one of the 12

rehearsals for this show so we could learn our parts cold. So, I was in real

awe and admiration of the professional orchestral musicians who came in for

their first of only TWO rehearsals for this big show. There were about a

hundred of them and they were dead-on accurate with their sight-reading of the

whole hour's worth of complicated pieces.

Anyway, I hope you will be able to stop running your nada's negativity tapes in

your head, even though that's not easy. Maybe getting a coach and learning to

sight read confidently can help shut those tapes off for good. Thumb's up of

encouragement from me!

-Annie

>

> Hi, guys. Needing some moral support - again! 

>

> The background: I am a singer. I've always loved to sing, and I'm halfway

decent. After I lost my job, I started looking for ways to make more money, and

I thought, 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I got paid to sing?' So I auditioned for

one of our local professional choirs. The director sent some practice materials

well beforehand (which I really didn't practice until an hour before the

audition). I went in and started singing, and everything was fine until we got

to the sight singing section. It was Sunday afternoon after a long morning at

church, I was nervous and tired, and I sort of bombed that part. Well, but

here's the thing: I didn't completely bomb it because he put me in the middle of

his list, not the bottom (because I was actually able to do OK the second or

third time through...). And he said I have a beautiful voice, and I should be

singing SOMEWHERE. He just couldn't use me with HIS group at that time. 

>

> Nevertheless, I (being the classic KO that I am) took that very mild rejection

and ran with it. " I'm no good. I can't sing. I just wasted an hour of that man's

time. I can't ever do anything right. " Blah, blah, blah. You know, all that

lovely negative self-talk. This was back in August. 

>

> And this brings me to my current " problem. " Nearly a year later, I'm actually

considering giving this another try - with another group. I know what I can do

to improve my chances. I know what I SHOULD do. And still, the negative

self-talk is effectively keeping me from acting AT ALL. I just want to send an

email to this director and say, " Hey. I'd like to audition for your choir, but I

wasn't good enough for so-and-so's choir, so you probably don't want me

either. "  

>

> Ugh! I'm so pathetic! Do normal people go through this? I mean, you hear of

people going from one audition to another and another, and I want to give up

after just ONE, telling myself that I'll NEVER make it!  

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, I'm a professional singer, too. I understand how agonizing the audition

process can be, and as a KO how much a rejection can hurt.

A good director knows what his needs are for filling out his chorus. It doesn't

even mean you are a poor singer. You know there are many factors that go into

selecting singers, including how the voice will blend with singers that are

already in the group. Just because you were not selected in one audition doesn't

mean there isn't a choir somewhere that would be a good fit for you. It also

doesn't mean you're not talented or deserving, it doesn't mean you are flawed

and should give up your dream. It doesn't mean you aren't good enough or that

you are a waste of anyone's time. Your previous audition has zero to do with any

future auditions--even for the same group, if you were to re-audition at a later

date.

Sending an email like the one you are tempted to write would guarantee you would

not have a chance in the chorus. Your job when you are trying out for a spot is

to display your best work, not to denigrate yourself. Besides, it's pretty

insulting to the judgment of the conductor for you to tell him what s/he should

think about you before s/he even gets to hear you sing. If you want to get an

audition, you're going to have to put the self-pity somewhere else.

Annie actually has a good suggestion. If you noticed during your last audition

that there are areas you might like to improve in, such as sight-reading, you

might consider spending a little extra time working on those areas, maybe even

with a professional coach. It certainly wouldn't hurt your chances and can give

you greater confidence whether you end up auditioning or not.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Hi, I'm a professional singer, too. I understand how agonizing the audition

process can be, and as a KO how much a rejection can hurt.

A good director knows what his needs are for filling out his chorus. It doesn't

even mean you are a poor singer. You know there are many factors that go into

selecting singers, including how the voice will blend with singers that are

already in the group. Just because you were not selected in one audition doesn't

mean there isn't a choir somewhere that would be a good fit for you. It also

doesn't mean you're not talented or deserving, it doesn't mean you are flawed

and should give up your dream. It doesn't mean you aren't good enough or that

you are a waste of anyone's time. Your previous audition has zero to do with any

future auditions--even for the same group, if you were to re-audition at a later

date.

Sending an email like the one you are tempted to write would guarantee you would

not have a chance in the chorus. Your job when you are trying out for a spot is

to display your best work, not to denigrate yourself. Besides, it's pretty

insulting to the judgment of the conductor for you to tell him what s/he should

think about you before s/he even gets to hear you sing. If you want to get an

audition, you're going to have to put the self-pity somewhere else.

Annie actually has a good suggestion. If you noticed during your last audition

that there are areas you might like to improve in, such as sight-reading, you

might consider spending a little extra time working on those areas, maybe even

with a professional coach. It certainly wouldn't hurt your chances and can give

you greater confidence whether you end up auditioning or not.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Sorry, I left out a brief paragraph - where this all ties in with singing,

or any form of creative pursuit, is that while we may desperately feel the

need to express ourselves creatively, we may also experience the need to

cloak our creativity with self-defeating behaviors in order to protect that

very precious and divine creative self, if it has grown up under the

auspices of a NPD/BPD, who are notoriously cannibalistic of their

offsprings gifts and talents.

All the Best - Sunspot

> Hi Struggling,

>

> Wow, I am almost at a loss for words. I really feel your frustration

> and pain. I've been working on my own issues of self sabotage for a long,

> long time.

> These are just my thoughts and observations of myself, and may or may not

> be relevent for you.

>

> From early in childhood, to as recently as two years ago, my Nada

> interfered, or attempted to interfere with many, many, of my most important

> and intimate relationships, from family members, to teachers, boyfriends

> and their families, friends, Drs., bosses, landlords, and business

> associates.

>

> No relationship is safe from her propaganda campaigns, in which she

> may share intimate, but untrue personal information regarding my state of

> physical or mental health, etc.

>

> I am terrified of her interference in both my personal and professional

> pursuits, and relationships, and as a result often address such situations

> in a seemingly approach-avoidant manner, or in disorganization, when in

> fact, I am just trying to fly under her radar, keep my head down, and keep

> my personal business personal.

>

> Since Nada perceives boundaries as challenges, and threats to her civil

> rights, insults to her professional accreditation, serious attempts to

> hi-jack her sense of self-worth, entitlements of love, motherhood, and

> person, they must be destroyed by any means possible.

>

> Thus, I am not allowed any right to personhood of my own, without the risk

> of her " setting the record straight, for my own good... "

>

>

> People who know me (and like me) describe me as being charming and

> somewhat eccentric. People who are put-off by me describe me as a

> disorganized hot-mess. Both are perceiving the same masking behaviors I

> developed early, in order to avoid Nadas interference, spite, and revenge.

>

> In a seemingly perverse and confusing twist, it also seems that I

> screw myself up in some ways, in order to protect myself in other ways.

>

> --- ok I missed the deadline, (or *didn't study the material*,) or

> otherwise avoided basic requirements of submission, *but* the director

> said it was a fine body of work, and that they* really* hoped that I

> would re-submit for the next exhibition!---

>

> I still got to win surreptitiously - the director really *liked *my

> work - but I didn't have to expose myself to full-blown exposure by having

> followed the rules, and really being a contender!

> No-one could take this kind of win away from me, because is was a

> " covert " win. I protected my very fragile " self, " fed my need for " safe "

> acknowledgement a tiny morsel, and most importantly, avoided detection and

> interference and punishment from Nada!

>

> I understand that I have behaved in seemingly self-defeating ways in

> order to avoid being more deeply burdened with or punished for my Nadas

> strangely unreal and mercurial portrayals of myself, (golden vs. dung

> child, sick dirty slut girl, sensitive crazy girl, etc.,) however, it is

> terribly sad and disheartening to look back over all the wasted years and

> opportunities.

>

> While I understand that many of these behaviors, are not so much within

> my native character, but were developed as survival tactics and coping

> skills, they have become entrenched within my behavior for so long that

> they have become knee-jerk, go-to behaviors for me. I am struggling like

> hell to get over and thru this miasma of self-defeating, self-inflicted

> pain, and all the fog.

>

> And, although I have struggled with these demons for over half a

> century I have, only recently, (I'm a member of the over 50 club) begun to

> comprehend the depth, and insidious damage - to - self inherent within the

> greco - roman - death - match with my Nada.

>

> At risk, is *my *divinely given right - to - be, and *my* divinely

> given right - to - become. *My right to create myself *as a whole

> person, vs. supporting her largely imaginary, and grossly inaccurate

> portrayals and perceptions of me, as an emotional toy-box, or canopic

> container for her projections, fears, and emotional detritus.

>

> I hope you will let your voice out in public!

>

> Best of Luck, and Warm Regards!

> Sunspot

>

>

>

> On Wed, May 9, 2012 at 8:24 AM, Alice Spiedon strugglingmom2@...>wrote:

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> Hi, guys. Needing some moral support - again!

>>

>> The background: I am a singer. I've always loved to sing, and I'm halfway

>> decent. After I lost my job, I started looking for ways to make more money,

>> and I thought, 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I got paid to sing?' So I

>> auditioned for one of our local professional choirs. The director sent some

>> practice materials well beforehand (which I really didn't practice until an

>> hour before the audition). I went in and started singing, and everything

>> was fine until we got to the sight singing section. It was Sunday afternoon

>> after a long morning at church, I was nervous and tired, and I sort of

>> bombed that part. Well, but here's the thing: I didn't completely bomb it

>> because he put me in the middle of his list, not the bottom (because I was

>> actually able to do OK the second or third time through...). And he said I

>> have a beautiful voice, and I should be singing SOMEWHERE. He just couldn't

>> use me with HIS group at that time.

>>

>> Nevertheless, I (being the classic KO that I am) took that very mild

>> rejection and ran with it. " I'm no good. I can't sing. I just wasted an

>> hour of that man's time. I can't ever do anything right. " Blah, blah, blah.

>> You know, all that lovely negative self-talk. This was back in August.

>>

>> And this brings me to my current " problem. " Nearly a year later, I'm

>> actually considering giving this another try - with another group. I know

>> what I can do to improve my chances. I know what I SHOULD do. And still,

>> the negative self-talk is effectively keeping me from acting AT ALL. I just

>> want to send an email to this director and say, " Hey. I'd like to audition

>> for your choir, but I wasn't good enough for so-and-so's choir, so you

>> probably don't want me either. "

>>

>> Ugh! I'm so pathetic! Do normal people go through this? I mean, you hear

>> of people going from one audition to another and another, and I want to

>> give up after just ONE, telling myself that I'll NEVER make it!

>>

>>

[Guest guest]

I absolutely disagree with AFB's assessment--I don't think that not practicing

and self-sabotage are acts of disrespect that we can just 'shame' or 'force'

ourself into fixing with better willpower. BUT that is exactly what the 'Inner

Critic' would say, so her response is a very helpful stepping stone into what I

think might really help Alice and other KOs, including myself, who are very high

achievers who suffer from torturous procrastination.

I am going to post a link at the bottom of all this from where I get the

insight. The inability to practice--and I am also a musician, and it has

happened to me countless times--it is a direct symptom of complex PTSD. What

happens is, an 'inner critic' is formed during childhood, it compounds every

message from nada and fadas with EXTRA torture, trying to 'force' and 'shame'

the body into being whatever version of perfect will result in a healthy

attachment to nada. What IC does not know, is that nada has tricked us--no

level of perfection and/or failure and/or pandering will EVER result in a

healthy, safe attachment to her. But IC does not know that. IC acts as an

extra-nada, trying to torture us emotionally into doing what we know nada would

say we 'should'.

So here's how it works with practicing. (At least for me--not sure for Alice.)

The IC for your 17 year old within has a very perfect schedule set forth of when

you should practice. And then, you don't, the first time you know you 'should',

out of legitimate exhaustion or business or whatever reason. Then IC

immediately starts trying to shame you into practicing with extreme and chaotic

thinking. What at first was just starting five minutes late, ends up being you

are shameful, you are a failure, you will never be able to practice, you are

going to burst into flames, you are going to make your nada burst into flames,

you are going to end up homeless in the street, and you should die both of shame

for this and also because you can't make a living for yourself--and ALSO, and

here's where AFB's 'inner critic' comes in--because you have so let down the

director, and so you should die of shame for that too. Torturously.

Being able to practice is not about 'character' or willpower. It is about

deciphering and dismantling the inner critic, as part of a healing from complex

ptsd. Because when a KO musician doesn't practice, it's because of a complex

and very BIOLOGICAL process where the KO has been trained to try and attach to

nada (ie, please nada, or fada, or both)--for safety. And the emotional torture

caused by IC trying to do that, is so severe, that it causes dissociation--or

addictive behaviours, too, if you're so inclined. Not practicing is not a

choice to be immature or disrepsectful. It is an uncontrollable biological urge

to try to be safe as an infant whose nada would NOT provide saftey.

So after all that, here's the link:

http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail&artid=52

Definitely worth looking into, imho. I hope Alice that this gives you some

level of comfort or consolation. I know that terrifying humiliation of facing

an audience or judge without having practiced. I have nightmares about it

regularly.

--Charlie

> > >

> > > Hi, guys. Needing some moral support - again! 

> > >

> > > The background: I am a singer. I've always loved to sing, and I'm halfway

decent. After I lost my job, I started looking for ways to make more money, and

I thought, 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I got paid to sing?' So I auditioned for

one of our local professional choirs. The director sent some practice materials

well beforehand (which I really didn't practice until an hour before the

audition). I went in and started singing, and everything was fine until we got

to the sight singing section. It was Sunday afternoon after a long morning at

church, I was nervous and tired, and I sort of bombed that part. Well, but

here's the thing: I didn't completely bomb it because he put me in the middle of

his list, not the bottom (because I was actually able to do OK the second or

third time through...). And he said I have a beautiful voice, and I should be

singing SOMEWHERE. He just couldn't use me with HIS group at that time. 

> > >

> > > Nevertheless, I (being the classic KO that I am) took that very mild

rejection and ran with it. " I'm no good. I can't sing. I just wasted an hour of

that man's time. I can't ever do anything right. " Blah, blah, blah. You know,

all that lovely negative self-talk. This was back in August. 

> > >

> > > And this brings me to my current " problem. " Nearly a year later, I'm

actually considering giving this another try - with another group. I know what I

can do to improve my chances. I know what I SHOULD do. And still, the negative

self-talk is effectively keeping me from acting AT ALL. I just want to send an

email to this director and say, " Hey. I'd like to audition for your choir, but I

wasn't good enough for so-and-so's choir, so you probably don't want me

either. "  

> > >

> > > Ugh! I'm so pathetic! Do normal people go through this? I mean, you hear

of people going from one audition to another and another, and I want to give up

after just ONE, telling myself that I'll NEVER make it!  

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Charlotte, I defend your right to free speech and having your say. However, what

you state as my " assessment " is a misrepresentation. You are assigning a meaning

to my post that simply isn't there. My post doesn't mention anything about

willpower, it emphasizes respect for others. If you take issue with respecting

others, then we can debate that.

For others who my not have access to my original post here it is:

I'd like to gently point something else out and forgive me in advance if it

stings, but I think it's crucial to moving forward. You note that although the

director sent materials well beforehand, you didn't bother to practice until an

hour before the audition. This seems disrespectful to me, not only to yourself,

but to that director who provided you with his own time, energy and preparation.

I wonder if you were slotted to the midlist, not because of your talent, but

because of lack of preparation. An experienced director can tell in a heartbeat

who has been preparing for days and who just flew in on the seat of their pants

to wing it.

> >

> > Next time, why not resolve to start with respect? If you have trouble

respecting yourself, as most KOs including me do, then start with respecting

the people you are auditioning for as well as the composer who created the

music. Resolve to give them the best you can do as a gift for their time and

attention. You know the old joke? A boy stops a man carrying a violin case on

the street in New York and asks him, " Excuse me sir, how do I get to Carnegie

Hall? " The man answers, " Practice, practice, practice. "

Respectfully,

AFB

> > > >

> > > > Hi, guys. Needing some moral support - again! 

> > > >

> > > > The background: I am a singer. I've always loved to sing, and I'm

halfway decent. After I lost my job, I started looking for ways to make more

money, and I thought, 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I got paid to sing?' So I

auditioned for one of our local professional choirs. The director sent some

practice materials well beforehand (which I really didn't practice until an hour

before the audition). I went in and started singing, and everything was fine

until we got to the sight singing section. It was Sunday afternoon after a long

morning at church, I was nervous and tired, and I sort of bombed that part.

Well, but here's the thing: I didn't completely bomb it because he put me in the

middle of his list, not the bottom (because I was actually able to do OK the

second or third time through...). And he said I have a beautiful voice, and I

should be singing SOMEWHERE. He just couldn't use me with HIS group at that

time. 

> > > >

> > > > Nevertheless, I (being the classic KO that I am) took that very mild

rejection and ran with it. " I'm no good. I can't sing. I just wasted an hour of

that man's time. I can't ever do anything right. " Blah, blah, blah. You know,

all that lovely negative self-talk. This was back in August. 

> > > >

> > > > And this brings me to my current " problem. " Nearly a year later, I'm

actually considering giving this another try - with another group. I know what I

can do to improve my chances. I know what I SHOULD do. And still, the negative

self-talk is effectively keeping me from acting AT ALL. I just want to send an

email to this director and say, " Hey. I'd like to audition for your choir, but I

wasn't good enough for so-and-so's choir, so you probably don't want me

either. "  

> > > >

> > > > Ugh! I'm so pathetic! Do normal people go through this? I mean, you hear

of people going from one audition to another and another, and I want to give up

after just ONE, telling myself that I'll NEVER make it!  

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

" So here's how it works with practicing. (At least for me--not sure for Alice.)

The IC for your 17 year old within has a very perfect schedule set forth of when

you should practice. And then, you don't, the first time you know you 'should',

out of legitimate exhaustion or business or whatever reason. Then IC immediately

starts trying to shame you into practicing with extreme and chaotic thinking.

What at first was just starting five minutes late, ends up being you are

shameful, you are a failure, you will never be able to practice, you are going

to burst into flames, you are going to make your nada burst into flames, you are

going to end up homeless in the street, and you should die both of shame for

this and also because you can't make a living for yourself--and ALSO, and here's

where AFB's 'inner critic' comes in--because you have so let down the director,

and so you should die of shame for that too. Torturously. "

Boy, oh boy, oh BOY, does this sound familiar!!!

Before I talk more about that, I just want to point out two things:

1.) the influence of repeated past disappointments

2.) the influence of society.

Most of our lives, we have been disappointed. A LOT. Dysfunctional families

want us to be the best of the best, and then, well, you don't read about

regular, ordinary people in newspapers or magazines. You read about prodigies,

the Portmans who were born so beautiful they had agent offering them

modeling and acting careers on silver platters at the tender age of twelve, the

Cornwells who won every major award with their very first novel. Then

you make a stab, and fail. But you have this picture in your head that anybody

who's worth anything hits and hits big early and on their first try.

Then you go through the repeated rejections from family, from peers, from

lovers, from whoever, that we KO's just attract like magnets, and the bad

relationships that we also attract like magnets.

Where are we supposed to get that realistic view of the world that tells us what

we are achieving (or failing to achieve) really is the norm, and that there's

nothing to feel bad about? We don't. I have only just arrived at that at

almost 44, after a lifetime of believing, a la Walt Disney, that all you have to

do is wish upon a star and your dreams come true. Success is e-x-t-r-e-m-e-l-y

hard to get and only comes to a tiny handful, and nobody tells you that. If you

don't succeed, it's because you're not good enough. Period.

2.) Look at society these days. Look at the harsh austerity attitudes that are

so common now. People without jobs are dirty hippies who need to take a bath.

People who can't afford health insurance needed to choose a degree that made

money, and whip themselves into shape at work, and society shouldn't pay to help

them--what, Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, why should successful people

pay taxes for those??? Losers lost on their own, they should die on their own.

There's a lot of this attitude in society now. You're all on your own, honey,

sink or swim, the good make it and the bad suffer...and they deserve to. There

is no, absolutely NO, consideration that some of us started wayyy behind the

starting line that a healthy family gives you. Even when many are born in

unspeakable ghettos and it should be obvious--no, your failure is you, all you,

and only you.

So is it any wonder we have these issues?? NOT. Instead of society helping us

to treat ourselves with compassion, it pushes us to judge ourselves ever and

ever more harshly. There's no sympathy, no understanding, no tenderness

anywhere in this country anymore.

Having said that, I don't think we're really going to get any answers here from

" normal " people about how " normal " people respond to failure and setbacks. If

we weren't KO's we wouldn't be here.

--

[Guest guest]

" So here's how it works with practicing. (At least for me--not sure for Alice.)

The IC for your 17 year old within has a very perfect schedule set forth of when

you should practice. And then, you don't, the first time you know you 'should',

out of legitimate exhaustion or business or whatever reason. Then IC immediately

starts trying to shame you into practicing with extreme and chaotic thinking.

What at first was just starting five minutes late, ends up being you are

shameful, you are a failure, you will never be able to practice, you are going

to burst into flames, you are going to make your nada burst into flames, you are

going to end up homeless in the street, and you should die both of shame for

this and also because you can't make a living for yourself--and ALSO, and here's

where AFB's 'inner critic' comes in--because you have so let down the director,

and so you should die of shame for that too. Torturously. "

Boy, oh boy, oh BOY, does this sound familiar!!!

Before I talk more about that, I just want to point out two things:

1.) the influence of repeated past disappointments

2.) the influence of society.

Most of our lives, we have been disappointed. A LOT. Dysfunctional families

want us to be the best of the best, and then, well, you don't read about

regular, ordinary people in newspapers or magazines. You read about prodigies,

the Portmans who were born so beautiful they had agent offering them

modeling and acting careers on silver platters at the tender age of twelve, the

Cornwells who won every major award with their very first novel. Then

you make a stab, and fail. But you have this picture in your head that anybody

who's worth anything hits and hits big early and on their first try.

Then you go through the repeated rejections from family, from peers, from

lovers, from whoever, that we KO's just attract like magnets, and the bad

relationships that we also attract like magnets.

Where are we supposed to get that realistic view of the world that tells us what

we are achieving (or failing to achieve) really is the norm, and that there's

nothing to feel bad about? We don't. I have only just arrived at that at

almost 44, after a lifetime of believing, a la Walt Disney, that all you have to

do is wish upon a star and your dreams come true. Success is e-x-t-r-e-m-e-l-y

hard to get and only comes to a tiny handful, and nobody tells you that. If you

don't succeed, it's because you're not good enough. Period.

2.) Look at society these days. Look at the harsh austerity attitudes that are

so common now. People without jobs are dirty hippies who need to take a bath.

People who can't afford health insurance needed to choose a degree that made

money, and whip themselves into shape at work, and society shouldn't pay to help

them--what, Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, why should successful people

pay taxes for those??? Losers lost on their own, they should die on their own.

There's a lot of this attitude in society now. You're all on your own, honey,

sink or swim, the good make it and the bad suffer...and they deserve to. There

is no, absolutely NO, consideration that some of us started wayyy behind the

starting line that a healthy family gives you. Even when many are born in

unspeakable ghettos and it should be obvious--no, your failure is you, all you,

and only you.

So is it any wonder we have these issues?? NOT. Instead of society helping us

to treat ourselves with compassion, it pushes us to judge ourselves ever and

ever more harshly. There's no sympathy, no understanding, no tenderness

anywhere in this country anymore.

Having said that, I don't think we're really going to get any answers here from

" normal " people about how " normal " people respond to failure and setbacks. If

we weren't KO's we wouldn't be here.

--