Guest guest Posted May 11, 2012 Report Share Posted May 11, 2012 Does anyone else here suffer from hypochondria -- aka hypochondriasis or health anxiety? I have struggled with this pernicious anxiety disorder for most of my life. It really kicked in once I moved away from home to college. I have tried to analyze it, understand it, shock it, ignore it -- but it has always come back as I turn every little pain or twitch into a potential deadly disease, then panic about it until I can eventually receive temporary solace, usually in the form of a doctor's reassurance. But this solace is always short-lived. Another panic always awaits. I will think I've got it all figured out, then -- boom. We children of Borderlines are especially at risk for all types of anxiety but this type in particular because often our BPD parents were hyper-vigilant about our bodies and over-dramatized anything that went " wrong " with our bodies. It was always as if our sicknesses were our FAULT, and they were angry at us for being sick, because our being sick freaked THEM out so much, and how dare we give them so much pain?? Also, health anxiety is all about control, and our terror around uncertainty, and our sense that we need (but lack) permission to do anything -- such as thrive or even live. We are always waiting on tenterhooks for the " bad diagnosis, " the attack, the screaming, the doom. Can anyone else out there relate? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 12, 2012 Report Share Posted May 12, 2012 I'm sorry. Being fearful for your health must be exhausting. Have you spoken to anyone (a professional) about this? Anxiety disorders seem to be quite common nowadays. I visit heart disease forums and many of the people there admit they have anxiety issues. Every little heart hiccup or pain makes them fear for their life. I'm afraid I tend to go to the other extreme and deny any health problems I might have. It's gotten me into trouble a few times. But my nada is so obsessed with her health, insists she's had cancer 5 times when she hasn't; insists her heart is in terrible shape when all the doctors tell her it's fine. The list goes on and on. She keeps looking for trouble because she wants attention. She loves going to ER, smiles and talks a mile a minute. Because of that, I try to avoid being like her and I ignore all the weird things that happen in my body. I don't go to the doctor when I should. All I know is the hypo. anxiety can leave you feeling trapped in the house, afraid of every germ or potential accident that might happen. I wish I knew of some way to control that feeling. If you haven't seen a doctor, it might be time. It's bad enough to grow up with a BPD parent. You don't need this as well. > > Does anyone else here suffer from hypochondria -- aka hypochondriasis or health anxiety? I have struggled with this pernicious anxiety disorder for most of my life. It really kicked in once I moved away from home to college. I have tried to analyze it, understand it, shock it, ignore it -- but it has always come back as I turn every little pain or twitch into a potential deadly disease, then panic about it until I can eventually receive temporary solace, usually in the form of a doctor's reassurance. But this solace is always short-lived. Another panic always awaits. I will think I've got it all figured out, then -- boom. > > We children of Borderlines are especially at risk for all types of anxiety but this type in particular because often our BPD parents were hyper-vigilant about our bodies and over-dramatized anything that went " wrong " with our bodies. It was always as if our sicknesses were our FAULT, and they were angry at us for being sick, because our being sick freaked THEM out so much, and how dare we give them so much pain?? Also, health anxiety is all about control, and our terror around uncertainty, and our sense that we need (but lack) permission to do anything -- such as thrive or even live. > > We are always waiting on tenterhooks for the " bad diagnosis, " the attack, the screaming, the doom. > > Can anyone else out there relate? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 12, 2012 Report Share Posted May 12, 2012 I'm sorry. Being fearful for your health must be exhausting. Have you spoken to anyone (a professional) about this? Anxiety disorders seem to be quite common nowadays. I visit heart disease forums and many of the people there admit they have anxiety issues. Every little heart hiccup or pain makes them fear for their life. I'm afraid I tend to go to the other extreme and deny any health problems I might have. It's gotten me into trouble a few times. But my nada is so obsessed with her health, insists she's had cancer 5 times when she hasn't; insists her heart is in terrible shape when all the doctors tell her it's fine. The list goes on and on. She keeps looking for trouble because she wants attention. She loves going to ER, smiles and talks a mile a minute. Because of that, I try to avoid being like her and I ignore all the weird things that happen in my body. I don't go to the doctor when I should. All I know is the hypo. anxiety can leave you feeling trapped in the house, afraid of every germ or potential accident that might happen. I wish I knew of some way to control that feeling. If you haven't seen a doctor, it might be time. It's bad enough to grow up with a BPD parent. You don't need this as well. > > Does anyone else here suffer from hypochondria -- aka hypochondriasis or health anxiety? I have struggled with this pernicious anxiety disorder for most of my life. It really kicked in once I moved away from home to college. I have tried to analyze it, understand it, shock it, ignore it -- but it has always come back as I turn every little pain or twitch into a potential deadly disease, then panic about it until I can eventually receive temporary solace, usually in the form of a doctor's reassurance. But this solace is always short-lived. Another panic always awaits. I will think I've got it all figured out, then -- boom. > > We children of Borderlines are especially at risk for all types of anxiety but this type in particular because often our BPD parents were hyper-vigilant about our bodies and over-dramatized anything that went " wrong " with our bodies. It was always as if our sicknesses were our FAULT, and they were angry at us for being sick, because our being sick freaked THEM out so much, and how dare we give them so much pain?? Also, health anxiety is all about control, and our terror around uncertainty, and our sense that we need (but lack) permission to do anything -- such as thrive or even live. > > We are always waiting on tenterhooks for the " bad diagnosis, " the attack, the screaming, the doom. > > Can anyone else out there relate? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 12, 2012 Report Share Posted May 12, 2012 Really spot-on analogy for my own situation, Sunspot. My Sister and I were the pop-up Bobo clowns that were knocked over again and again (emotionally and sometimes physically also) but expected to bounce back up smiling, and never express any needs or feelings of our own. And like your situation, Sister and I learned to avoid telling our nada if we were really feeling sick or had gotten hurt, because instead of being comforted we'd get screamed at for being stupid or clumsy and then tended to with resentment and criticism. Neither Sister nor I ever developed that sense that we needed to take good care of ourselves physically and go see a doctor if something was wrong, because we learned to ignore signs and symptoms that something was off-kilter with our bodies. We're both better at this now in middle-age, thank goodness. Both extremes are unhealthy: neglecting self-care/avoiding medical checkups/ignoring real symptoms at one end, and being frantic with anxiety fearfulness over one's health at the other end. I can see how both ends of the spectrum could originate in the abnormal, sub-standard parenting we received at the hands of our personality-disordered parents. And I agree that when the child's primary caregiver is both her tormentor AND her rescuer (back and forth, back and forth) that can be a particularly crazy-making, no-win situation for the child; it can even result in Stockholm-syndrome like intense but sick bonding between the child and the mentally ill parent (I was very enmeshed with my parents until my mid thirties and I think it was due to this exact kind of treatment.) All this is why I keep hoping that emotional abuse will eventually be considered as damaging and reprehensible as the physical abuse and sexual abuse of children is, and that children can be rescued from situations where they are being treated like Bobo dolls and emotionally tortured by their " caregivers. " -Annie > > Kos, balance, and health > > I watched my neighbors little son, showing off a new toy. He was so > proud of the kid - sized, inflatable bobo clown, ( the kind with a round, > weighted bottom, that automatically return to upright after being hit, or > kicked,) placing it in the front yard so that all of his friends could see > him practice his karate moves on it. > > As KOs, it is terribly difficult for us to find our balance. I have a > mental image of us, as children, as being perceived as " bobo dolls " by our > BPD/NPD family members. Just like these inflatable toys, we had to allow > ourselves to be " worked out on, " physically and emotionally, never appear > to take it personally, and just bob back up-right, smiling. > > Over time, like the blow-up toy, we too become deflated, loose our > balance, and require re-inflation. At this point, Nada either relegates us > to the back of the closet for a while, or whines and complains how horrible > we are for deflating, or pants, sweats, and swears she is either grieving > herself to death over our deflation, or having a heart-attack from all of > the exertion of " working out " on us. > > Or, when they really screw with our heads, they re-inflate us with > praise, gifts, and outings, which sets us up for a whole weird > sado-masochistic relationship with our character-disordered care-giver. > > Is it any wonder we are often unsure how we feel, whether or not we are > having an anxiety attack - a heart attack - or indigestion? > > We were simultaneously hyper-sensitized to the threat of a BPD passions > and attacks, *and* forced to over-ride our inborn fight-or-flight instinct. > > We were frozen like a deer in the head-lights by the knowledge that we > could not, because we were children, escape the carnage of BPD rage, or > projection. > > This is, what I believe to be the most cruel, and morally reprehensible > aspect of the character disordered primary care-giver - as their > children, *we are forced to collude against ourselves, in order to survive > our childhoods* - we become so adept at dodging or attempting to > second-guess what role they need us to play, that we lose ourselves in the > charade. > > As adults, we find that our inner balance, and internal compass have > become skewed and lopsided. We do not trust ourselves. > > Because of my FOO tendency to hi-jack or project weirdness around > illness, and injury. (My Nadas bullying behaviors, phone-calls, etc., to > one of *my *health providers became so extreme, that they *dropped* me as a > client!) I sometimes, to my own detriment, tend to down play my own health > issues and injuries, externally. > > These issues can truly be life threatening for us. They hi-jack our > sense of safety and well-being, rob us of internal peace and respite, and > wear us out physically, spiritually and emotionally. > > Healing is the heros' journey. > > May we all find the strength, courage, and beloved guidance we need to > find our way, to really hear and honor our internal voice, and to heal. > > Warm regards, Sunspot > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 12, 2012 Report Share Posted May 12, 2012 Really spot-on analogy for my own situation, Sunspot. My Sister and I were the pop-up Bobo clowns that were knocked over again and again (emotionally and sometimes physically also) but expected to bounce back up smiling, and never express any needs or feelings of our own. And like your situation, Sister and I learned to avoid telling our nada if we were really feeling sick or had gotten hurt, because instead of being comforted we'd get screamed at for being stupid or clumsy and then tended to with resentment and criticism. Neither Sister nor I ever developed that sense that we needed to take good care of ourselves physically and go see a doctor if something was wrong, because we learned to ignore signs and symptoms that something was off-kilter with our bodies. We're both better at this now in middle-age, thank goodness. Both extremes are unhealthy: neglecting self-care/avoiding medical checkups/ignoring real symptoms at one end, and being frantic with anxiety fearfulness over one's health at the other end. I can see how both ends of the spectrum could originate in the abnormal, sub-standard parenting we received at the hands of our personality-disordered parents. And I agree that when the child's primary caregiver is both her tormentor AND her rescuer (back and forth, back and forth) that can be a particularly crazy-making, no-win situation for the child; it can even result in Stockholm-syndrome like intense but sick bonding between the child and the mentally ill parent (I was very enmeshed with my parents until my mid thirties and I think it was due to this exact kind of treatment.) All this is why I keep hoping that emotional abuse will eventually be considered as damaging and reprehensible as the physical abuse and sexual abuse of children is, and that children can be rescued from situations where they are being treated like Bobo dolls and emotionally tortured by their " caregivers. " -Annie > > Kos, balance, and health > > I watched my neighbors little son, showing off a new toy. He was so > proud of the kid - sized, inflatable bobo clown, ( the kind with a round, > weighted bottom, that automatically return to upright after being hit, or > kicked,) placing it in the front yard so that all of his friends could see > him practice his karate moves on it. > > As KOs, it is terribly difficult for us to find our balance. I have a > mental image of us, as children, as being perceived as " bobo dolls " by our > BPD/NPD family members. Just like these inflatable toys, we had to allow > ourselves to be " worked out on, " physically and emotionally, never appear > to take it personally, and just bob back up-right, smiling. > > Over time, like the blow-up toy, we too become deflated, loose our > balance, and require re-inflation. At this point, Nada either relegates us > to the back of the closet for a while, or whines and complains how horrible > we are for deflating, or pants, sweats, and swears she is either grieving > herself to death over our deflation, or having a heart-attack from all of > the exertion of " working out " on us. > > Or, when they really screw with our heads, they re-inflate us with > praise, gifts, and outings, which sets us up for a whole weird > sado-masochistic relationship with our character-disordered care-giver. > > Is it any wonder we are often unsure how we feel, whether or not we are > having an anxiety attack - a heart attack - or indigestion? > > We were simultaneously hyper-sensitized to the threat of a BPD passions > and attacks, *and* forced to over-ride our inborn fight-or-flight instinct. > > We were frozen like a deer in the head-lights by the knowledge that we > could not, because we were children, escape the carnage of BPD rage, or > projection. > > This is, what I believe to be the most cruel, and morally reprehensible > aspect of the character disordered primary care-giver - as their > children, *we are forced to collude against ourselves, in order to survive > our childhoods* - we become so adept at dodging or attempting to > second-guess what role they need us to play, that we lose ourselves in the > charade. > > As adults, we find that our inner balance, and internal compass have > become skewed and lopsided. We do not trust ourselves. > > Because of my FOO tendency to hi-jack or project weirdness around > illness, and injury. (My Nadas bullying behaviors, phone-calls, etc., to > one of *my *health providers became so extreme, that they *dropped* me as a > client!) I sometimes, to my own detriment, tend to down play my own health > issues and injuries, externally. > > These issues can truly be life threatening for us. They hi-jack our > sense of safety and well-being, rob us of internal peace and respite, and > wear us out physically, spiritually and emotionally. > > Healing is the heros' journey. > > May we all find the strength, courage, and beloved guidance we need to > find our way, to really hear and honor our internal voice, and to heal. > > Warm regards, Sunspot > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 12, 2012 Report Share Posted May 12, 2012 Enmeshment and health Thanks for the validation Annie! Your Stockholm Syndrome analogy is right on the mark! Warm Regards, Sunspot > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 12, 2012 Report Share Posted May 12, 2012 Enmeshment and health Thanks for the validation Annie! Your Stockholm Syndrome analogy is right on the mark! Warm Regards, Sunspot > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 13, 2012 Report Share Posted May 13, 2012 Thanks for your kind and insightful responses to my post about health-related anxiety. I think you are exactly right in that walking on eggshells throughout our childhoods left us virtually unable to maintain a normal sense of inner balance or certainty. We could not trust our own bodies because we could not trust our own caregivers -- the original people whom we were supposed to trust with ensuring our health and happiness and safety when we were too young to ensure such things for ourselves. Then it just radiates outward and outward through the years like ripples in a lake after a rock has been thrown into it. This inability to gauge our own situations -- or really any situations -- is so exhausting, and crazy-making, and the rest of the world does not understand it. And yes, it does tend to make me unwilling to leave my house and participate in " real life. " Yes, definitely to that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 13, 2012 Report Share Posted May 13, 2012 Thanks for your kind and insightful responses to my post about health-related anxiety. I think you are exactly right in that walking on eggshells throughout our childhoods left us virtually unable to maintain a normal sense of inner balance or certainty. We could not trust our own bodies because we could not trust our own caregivers -- the original people whom we were supposed to trust with ensuring our health and happiness and safety when we were too young to ensure such things for ourselves. Then it just radiates outward and outward through the years like ripples in a lake after a rock has been thrown into it. This inability to gauge our own situations -- or really any situations -- is so exhausting, and crazy-making, and the rest of the world does not understand it. And yes, it does tend to make me unwilling to leave my house and participate in " real life. " Yes, definitely to that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 13, 2012 Report Share Posted May 13, 2012 My nada is a hypochondriac. There's ALWAYS something wrong with her! However, she is in PERFECT health..as stated by MANY doctors and numerous tests! Since this is what I grew up with, I did not want to be this way and went the other direction neglecting health problems when they arose. I did this to my detriment, and one instance in particular has changed my life. I should have gone to the hospital after a really bad car accident. Instead, I shrugged it off saying I only had a headache. Then, when the pain came on and red marks appeared on my back the next day, I still didn't go. 6 days after the accident I went to see a chiropractor thinking that it was just something out of alignment. Meanwhile, my 13 day old car was found to be only $800 shy of being totaled; it also had a bent frame. This, my medical history, and what I was feeling would have made any " normal " person go to the hospital, but not me. When I told nada about what was happening/happened, she shrugged it off knowing all the aforementioned particulars and changed the conversation to herself. She's the ONLY ONE in the world that has health problems! Even a few weeks later when my body and MIND stopped functioning normally and I had to stop working (I was a workaholic before), it still didn't raise a red flag in her mind. Long story short, the accident caused brain damage and a plethora of other health problems...significantly changing my life forever. My point is...just because our nadas didn't take care of us as children, doesn't mean that we shouldn't take care of ourselves appropriately now. It is harder for us, but we must try! Both extremes are or can be detrimental to our health; ignoring everything or thinking something's wrong every time the wind blows. I share my story because I hope you please, please, please help yourself before something terrible happens. This *accident* was just that...a freak accident. It doesn't mean that every time you're in a car accident something like this is going to happen to you. It also does not mean that you should ignore it if something *off* does occur. But, how I reacted was a Conditioned response from years of programming. Please learn from my mistake and put yourself first!! First, over and above what you were raised with thinking is correct bc, in the case of a BP parent, it's not! We deserve to be Happy! Find your Happy Medium! You DESERVE it! We DESERVE to live a NORMAL, LOVE-FILLED, FRIEND-FILLED life. IT IS OUR BIRTHRIGHT. I wish you all the BEST!!! GG > > Thanks for your kind and insightful responses to my post about health-related anxiety. I think you are exactly right in that walking on eggshells throughout our childhoods left us virtually unable to maintain a normal sense of inner balance or certainty. We could not trust our own bodies because we could not trust our own caregivers -- the original people whom we were supposed to trust with ensuring our health and happiness and safety when we were too young to ensure such things for ourselves. > > Then it just radiates outward and outward through the years like ripples in a lake after a rock has been thrown into it. > > This inability to gauge our own situations -- or really any situations -- is so exhausting, and crazy-making, and the rest of the world does not understand it. And yes, it does tend to make me unwilling to leave my house and participate in " real life. " Yes, definitely to that. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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