Re: mad sad and disappointed

[Guest guest]

You are not a loser. It is normal to keep trying. You will keep trying until

you are done trying. Then you will stop trying. Then it will feel really bad.

Then it will get better.

Deanna

>

> I am still a new KO.. only a few months.

>

> I read and read and I get it that Nada has NPD with some serious BPD and

> OCPD mixed in, I GET IT!!

>

>

>

> Somehow though I am having a hard time day to day.

>

> Some days I am strong and can detach.

>

> Many days I still think that if I am good enough, care enough, smile enough

> she will finally love me as a " Mom " should.

>

>

>

> I am supposed to me mourning my lost mother (per the books I am reading) and

> many days I can but she seems to still be able to twist me into knots with

> just a look other days.

>

>

>

> I moved here (250 miles) to care for her when she got ill (giving up my

> life, friends, independence, job and life) all in the name of wanting my

> mommy to finally love me. I found out about BPD, NPD etc since I came and am

> making *some* progress but she still rocks my shit pretty easily.

>

>

>

> She gets herself sicker pretty often with self abuse and feeling the effects

> of stress that just isn't even close to reality and I still feel bad and

> want to hover over and *help*. Is there something wrong with me? Am I thick?

> Dense?

>

>

>

> Argggg. I don't get it! I suffer from some pretty serious anxiety from all

> the crap and neglect of my childhood but I still seem to want to sign up for

> more!!!

>

> Rant, rant , rant..

>

>

>

> I feel beyond help (recovery).

>

>

>

> I am a loser that am desperately seeking my mean mommy's approval.

>

>

>

> Sad

>

>

>

> M-

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You are not a loser. It is normal to keep trying. You will keep trying until

you are done trying. Then you will stop trying. Then it will feel really bad.

Then it will get better.

Deanna

>

> I am still a new KO.. only a few months.

>

> I read and read and I get it that Nada has NPD with some serious BPD and

> OCPD mixed in, I GET IT!!

>

>

>

> Somehow though I am having a hard time day to day.

>

> Some days I am strong and can detach.

>

> Many days I still think that if I am good enough, care enough, smile enough

> she will finally love me as a " Mom " should.

>

>

>

> I am supposed to me mourning my lost mother (per the books I am reading) and

> many days I can but she seems to still be able to twist me into knots with

> just a look other days.

>

>

>

> I moved here (250 miles) to care for her when she got ill (giving up my

> life, friends, independence, job and life) all in the name of wanting my

> mommy to finally love me. I found out about BPD, NPD etc since I came and am

> making *some* progress but she still rocks my shit pretty easily.

>

>

>

> She gets herself sicker pretty often with self abuse and feeling the effects

> of stress that just isn't even close to reality and I still feel bad and

> want to hover over and *help*. Is there something wrong with me? Am I thick?

> Dense?

>

>

>

> Argggg. I don't get it! I suffer from some pretty serious anxiety from all

> the crap and neglect of my childhood but I still seem to want to sign up for

> more!!!

>

> Rant, rant , rant..

>

>

>

> I feel beyond help (recovery).

>

>

>

> I am a loser that am desperately seeking my mean mommy's approval.

>

>

>

> Sad

>

>

>

> M-

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow M, that is really tough. I like to think that no one is beyond help and

recovery.

Are you able to develop some techniques to deal with your nada now that you

have close contact again? SWOE is helpful for this and I'm currently

looking for more books that help you do this.

It sounds like you feel like caregiver to your nada. I think a lot of us

KO's feel like this, I know I do! I recently came across this website and

found this page really useful: http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html

It is about being a Caregiver person and how this is shaped by our

childhood. As a children, me and my brother had to always look after my

nada. Now she continues to act like she needs to be looked after, she is

the victim, always and always and I am the " terrible " daughter if I don't

continually rescue her.

You might find it helpful to talk through some ways of managing your nada

with a therapist. For me, I need plenty of distance and time before I'm

ready to be in close contact again.

Good luck, we are all here for you.

[Guest guest]

" Surviving A Borderline Parent " gets recommended here, and there is a newer,

more updated version of SWOE called " The Essential Family Guide to BPD " that has

a workbook also.

Those of us who have been " parentified " by our mentally ill mother or father

have been conditioned to feel responsible for our parents' feelings and

well-being, as though we are their mommy and they are the small child, and its a

very unhealthy relationship dynamic. There are a lot of good books out there

about this issue; one of them is called " Overcoming Codependency. "

The book " Toxic Parents " has been mentioned here as a good one, and

" Boundaries " .

I also recommend therapy if you find that you are " stuck " and unable to move

forward in attaining your goal of a more healthy, normalized emotional autonomy

from your pd mother. A really good therapist is like a " jungle guide " in

helping point out paths out of the overgrown, tangled forest of enmeshment that

we as the adult children of personality disordered parents often find ourselves

stuck in.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I am still a new KO.. only a few months.

>

> I read and read and I get it that Nada has NPD with some serious BPD and

> OCPD mixed in, I GET IT!!

>

>

>

> Somehow though I am having a hard time day to day.

>

> Some days I am strong and can detach.

>

> Many days I still think that if I am good enough, care enough, smile enough

> she will finally love me as a " Mom " should.

>

>

>

> I am supposed to me mourning my lost mother (per the books I am reading) and

> many days I can but she seems to still be able to twist me into knots with

> just a look other days.

>

>

>

> I moved here (250 miles) to care for her when she got ill (giving up my

> life, friends, independence, job and life) all in the name of wanting my

> mommy to finally love me. I found out about BPD, NPD etc since I came and am

> making *some* progress but she still rocks my shit pretty easily.

>

>

>

> She gets herself sicker pretty often with self abuse and feeling the effects

> of stress that just isn't even close to reality and I still feel bad and

> want to hover over and *help*. Is there something wrong with me? Am I thick?

> Dense?

>

>

>

> Argggg. I don't get it! I suffer from some pretty serious anxiety from all

> the crap and neglect of my childhood but I still seem to want to sign up for

> more!!!

>

> Rant, rant , rant..

>

>

>

> I feel beyond help (recovery).

>

>

>

> I am a loser that am desperately seeking my mean mommy's approval.

>

>

>

> Sad

>

>

>

> M-

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" Surviving A Borderline Parent " gets recommended here, and there is a newer,

more updated version of SWOE called " The Essential Family Guide to BPD " that has

a workbook also.

Those of us who have been " parentified " by our mentally ill mother or father

have been conditioned to feel responsible for our parents' feelings and

well-being, as though we are their mommy and they are the small child, and its a

very unhealthy relationship dynamic. There are a lot of good books out there

about this issue; one of them is called " Overcoming Codependency. "

The book " Toxic Parents " has been mentioned here as a good one, and

" Boundaries " .

I also recommend therapy if you find that you are " stuck " and unable to move

forward in attaining your goal of a more healthy, normalized emotional autonomy

from your pd mother. A really good therapist is like a " jungle guide " in

helping point out paths out of the overgrown, tangled forest of enmeshment that

we as the adult children of personality disordered parents often find ourselves

stuck in.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I am still a new KO.. only a few months.

>

> I read and read and I get it that Nada has NPD with some serious BPD and

> OCPD mixed in, I GET IT!!

>

>

>

> Somehow though I am having a hard time day to day.

>

> Some days I am strong and can detach.

>

> Many days I still think that if I am good enough, care enough, smile enough

> she will finally love me as a " Mom " should.

>

>

>

> I am supposed to me mourning my lost mother (per the books I am reading) and

> many days I can but she seems to still be able to twist me into knots with

> just a look other days.

>

>

>

> I moved here (250 miles) to care for her when she got ill (giving up my

> life, friends, independence, job and life) all in the name of wanting my

> mommy to finally love me. I found out about BPD, NPD etc since I came and am

> making *some* progress but she still rocks my shit pretty easily.

>

>

>

> She gets herself sicker pretty often with self abuse and feeling the effects

> of stress that just isn't even close to reality and I still feel bad and

> want to hover over and *help*. Is there something wrong with me? Am I thick?

> Dense?

>

>

>

> Argggg. I don't get it! I suffer from some pretty serious anxiety from all

> the crap and neglect of my childhood but I still seem to want to sign up for

> more!!!

>

> Rant, rant , rant..

>

>

>

> I feel beyond help (recovery).

>

>

>

> I am a loser that am desperately seeking my mean mommy's approval.

>

>

>

> Sad

>

>

>

> M-

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Please don't beat up on yourself. It's not easy. It took so many years to bring

us to this weakened state of always responding to nada's demands. It takes time

to break those bonds as well.

I've been aware of my nada's BPD for a little over 2 years now. I still

struggle. It's so much better than before but I get angry with myself when her

self-pity, " Don't come over " games crop up. I don't really want to go over and

care for her (she's 83, lives alone, has no friends) but when she's so rude

about it, I know it's all about control for her and that pisses me off. Then I

get sick. Then I get mad at myself. So the cycle goes.

But I can sit and listen to her complain about everything/everyone on the planet

and not get sucked into her dark views. I can let her talk about her lack of sex

life to complete strangers in the mall and not get embarrassed. She can act like

she's 200 years old and shuffle along, pretend she's confused and I don't feel

guilty for not holding her arm. I know what she's capable of doing at home. It's

taken me 2 years to reach this point but I see the progress.

You're doing fine. Take it one outburst at a time. Keep giving yourself pep

talks that you're an adult now and it's OK to have your own opinions and

activities. You want to help but you don't have to be treated like a mule

pulling a plow in the field.

We'll never have a " mother. " I'd say she died years ago but in fact, she never

existed. Instead I've filled my life with many women friends (it took me years

to figure that out, that not all women are as nasty as my nada), my own loving

family and generally enjoying all the other nice people in the world. They

brighten my life in a way my nada never did and never will.

>

> I am still a new KO.. only a few months.

>

> I read and read and I get it that Nada has NPD with some serious BPD and

> OCPD mixed in, I GET IT!!

>

>

>

> Somehow though I am having a hard time day to day.

>

> Some days I am strong and can detach.

>

> Many days I still think that if I am good enough, care enough, smile enough

> she will finally love me as a " Mom " should.

>

>

>

> I am supposed to me mourning my lost mother (per the books I am reading) and

> many days I can but she seems to still be able to twist me into knots with

> just a look other days.

>

>

>

> I moved here (250 miles) to care for her when she got ill (giving up my

> life, friends, independence, job and life) all in the name of wanting my

> mommy to finally love me. I found out about BPD, NPD etc since I came and am

> making *some* progress but she still rocks my shit pretty easily.

>

>

>

> She gets herself sicker pretty often with self abuse and feeling the effects

> of stress that just isn't even close to reality and I still feel bad and

> want to hover over and *help*. Is there something wrong with me? Am I thick?

> Dense?

>

>

>

> Argggg. I don't get it! I suffer from some pretty serious anxiety from all

> the crap and neglect of my childhood but I still seem to want to sign up for

> more!!!

>

> Rant, rant , rant..

>

>

>

> I feel beyond help (recovery).

>

>

>

> I am a loser that am desperately seeking my mean mommy's approval.

>

>

>

> Sad

>

>

>

> M-

>

>

>

>

>

>