Why the Anger?

[Guest guest]

All my life my mother raged with anger. From the time I was little she would go

baliistic over something, rage then go back to a semi-calm state like nothing

had happened. Of course as a small child I blamed myself for her behavior like I

was the cause of her tirades. I've had a lot of shame since I was a small girl.

Along withe raging came instense shouting, arguments, nagging and a nasty barbed

tongue that always could stick you where it hurt the most. I grew up to have my

own extensive psychopathology but no one ever addressed her - we were too

scared, didn't want to cause more conflict and after all these years she had

worn me and my father and sister out. However, I was the oldest and seemed to

get the brunt of her misery. I've battle depression and addiction. Now I'm

sober, old enough and care enough to know what makes her tick or why the anger

and mood swings and irrational thoughts for all these years. It is sad everyone

knows how she acts but no one ever says anything because they are scared of her

rage - she is a time bomb. I recently at the age of 36 moved back in with her

and my dad temporarily. Now the nightmare is right at home once more and it is

draining me. She is angry, paranoid, vindicitve and mean - she cuts to the core

and I realize I cannot make her stop. I know I cannot fix her. I just want to

understand her if possible and learn to support her/live with her. I want some

peace of mind more than anything. Signed, Help.

[Guest guest]

If you have moved back in with them, I am assuming that there is a reason, most

likely financial.

I asked my dad, God, the universe and anyone else out there listening to provide

me a place to stay, when I chose to make an extended visit, six weeks, about six

years ago. My dad helped my out by buying me a travel trailer. It was older and

had a few leaks that I had to fix, but I did, and I lived quite happily in a

thirty foot travel trailer for two summers in a row. No cable or internet, only

my cell phone with my young son. I found there were many creature comforts I

could do without, if it meant not having to stay at nada's house. Trust me that

she makes it extremely tempting to stay there. She has two guest rooms and when

she found out that one of the reason her grandson was spending equal time at his

grandpa's house was that he had cable and she didn't, she got a subscription

right away! Sometimes I find the similarities between her and the " other mother "

in the story of Coraline to be more than a bit creepy!

We are heading back for another visit and another reason, and we are going to

have to take air mattresses to my brothers apartment and stay with him. Would it

be more comfortable sleeping at her house, yes, is it worth it? NO!!!

I realize that my situation wasn't the same, but my point is this...what can you

live without? I actually found that staying in that little camper was incredibly

relaxing. No TV and no internet meant I got to sleep a lot earlier than normal

and then I woke up just after sunrise and felt refreshed. I got to read quite a

bit and If I only had myself to take care of, I would do it again in a heart

beat. Just something to consider.

C

>

> All my life my mother raged with anger. From the time I was little she would

go baliistic over something, rage then go back to a semi-calm state like nothing

had happened. Of course as a small child I blamed myself for her behavior like I

was the cause of her tirades. I've had a lot of shame since I was a small girl.

Along withe raging came instense shouting, arguments, nagging and a nasty barbed

tongue that always could stick you where it hurt the most. I grew up to have my

own extensive psychopathology but no one ever addressed her - we were too

scared, didn't want to cause more conflict and after all these years she had

worn me and my father and sister out. However, I was the oldest and seemed to

get the brunt of her misery. I've battle depression and addiction. Now I'm

sober, old enough and care enough to know what makes her tick or why the anger

and mood swings and irrational thoughts for all these years. It is sad everyone

knows how she acts but no one ever says anything because they are scared of her

rage - she is a time bomb. I recently at the age of 36 moved back in with her

and my dad temporarily. Now the nightmare is right at home once more and it is

draining me. She is angry, paranoid, vindicitve and mean - she cuts to the core

and I realize I cannot make her stop. I know I cannot fix her. I just want to

understand her if possible and learn to support her/live with her. I want some

peace of mind more than anything. Signed, Help.

>

[Guest guest]

On Wed, May 16, 2012 at 12:36 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> Trying to use " defusing " techniques on *my* nada would have been like

> throwing gasoline on a fire, but maybe defusing techniques might work with

> your bpd mother: there was an earlier post from a few weeks ago about a

> technique for distracting an angry person from screaming at you. It was

> about derailing their rage by asking the angry person a series of

> questions. Perhaps one of the other members here remembers that post and

> can repost it or give the number of the message?

>

I think that was my post. I was talking about a technique Albert Bernstein

uses in " How to Deal With Emotionally Explosive People. " He says the trick

to breaking the " spiral of rage " is to try to get the person to unwittingly

engage the " thinking " part of their brain rather than the out-of-control

" feeling " part of their brain. He says the best way to accomplish this is

to ask a quiet, calm, non-accusatory question that causes them to have to

stop and think of an answer. This can have the effect of " derailing " an

ongoing rage spiral. Something like, " What would you like me to do? " is

what he suggests. I used something similar which was " What are you feeling

right now? You sound scared -- what are you scared of? " The important

thing to remember is that you DO NOT CARE about the answer. You want the

person to think. (That means avoid yes/no questions. Make it something they

have to stop, get off the Rail of Rage, and THINK about, in order to

answer.)

I have found that this works pretty well *IF* you can catch the rage

spiral before it has gotten out of control. Unfortunately it doesn't do

much of anything if you weren't there when the rage spiral got underway and

if it has gotten out-of-control and self-sustaining before you even got

onto the scene. Bernstein didn't have any real suggestions for what to do

when you walk into the room and get WHAM BAM SLAMMED with a rage attack.

(Well, he did sort of suggest getting the hell out. Which is great if you

can manage it, but we can't always do so.)

I'm still looking for suggestions on what to do in that circumstance, so if

anyone knows any....

-- Jen H.

[Guest guest]

On Wed, May 16, 2012 at 12:36 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> Trying to use " defusing " techniques on *my* nada would have been like

> throwing gasoline on a fire, but maybe defusing techniques might work with

> your bpd mother: there was an earlier post from a few weeks ago about a

> technique for distracting an angry person from screaming at you. It was

> about derailing their rage by asking the angry person a series of

> questions. Perhaps one of the other members here remembers that post and

> can repost it or give the number of the message?

>

I think that was my post. I was talking about a technique Albert Bernstein

uses in " How to Deal With Emotionally Explosive People. " He says the trick

to breaking the " spiral of rage " is to try to get the person to unwittingly

engage the " thinking " part of their brain rather than the out-of-control

" feeling " part of their brain. He says the best way to accomplish this is

to ask a quiet, calm, non-accusatory question that causes them to have to

stop and think of an answer. This can have the effect of " derailing " an

ongoing rage spiral. Something like, " What would you like me to do? " is

what he suggests. I used something similar which was " What are you feeling

right now? You sound scared -- what are you scared of? " The important

thing to remember is that you DO NOT CARE about the answer. You want the

person to think. (That means avoid yes/no questions. Make it something they

have to stop, get off the Rail of Rage, and THINK about, in order to

answer.)

I have found that this works pretty well *IF* you can catch the rage

spiral before it has gotten out of control. Unfortunately it doesn't do

much of anything if you weren't there when the rage spiral got underway and

if it has gotten out-of-control and self-sustaining before you even got

onto the scene. Bernstein didn't have any real suggestions for what to do

when you walk into the room and get WHAM BAM SLAMMED with a rage attack.

(Well, he did sort of suggest getting the hell out. Which is great if you

can manage it, but we can't always do so.)

I'm still looking for suggestions on what to do in that circumstance, so if

anyone knows any....

-- Jen H.

[Guest guest]

On Wed, May 16, 2012 at 12:36 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> Trying to use " defusing " techniques on *my* nada would have been like

> throwing gasoline on a fire, but maybe defusing techniques might work with

> your bpd mother: there was an earlier post from a few weeks ago about a

> technique for distracting an angry person from screaming at you. It was

> about derailing their rage by asking the angry person a series of

> questions. Perhaps one of the other members here remembers that post and

> can repost it or give the number of the message?

>

I think that was my post. I was talking about a technique Albert Bernstein

uses in " How to Deal With Emotionally Explosive People. " He says the trick

to breaking the " spiral of rage " is to try to get the person to unwittingly

engage the " thinking " part of their brain rather than the out-of-control

" feeling " part of their brain. He says the best way to accomplish this is

to ask a quiet, calm, non-accusatory question that causes them to have to

stop and think of an answer. This can have the effect of " derailing " an

ongoing rage spiral. Something like, " What would you like me to do? " is

what he suggests. I used something similar which was " What are you feeling

right now? You sound scared -- what are you scared of? " The important

thing to remember is that you DO NOT CARE about the answer. You want the

person to think. (That means avoid yes/no questions. Make it something they

have to stop, get off the Rail of Rage, and THINK about, in order to

answer.)

I have found that this works pretty well *IF* you can catch the rage

spiral before it has gotten out of control. Unfortunately it doesn't do

much of anything if you weren't there when the rage spiral got underway and

if it has gotten out-of-control and self-sustaining before you even got

onto the scene. Bernstein didn't have any real suggestions for what to do

when you walk into the room and get WHAM BAM SLAMMED with a rage attack.

(Well, he did sort of suggest getting the hell out. Which is great if you

can manage it, but we can't always do so.)

I'm still looking for suggestions on what to do in that circumstance, so if

anyone knows any....

-- Jen H.