New to the group

[Guest guest]

So I just found out that BPD is what my mother has. I had never heard of such a

thing until this last falling out. I started some therapy and the doctor I visit

was able to give her behavior a name. I am still in the guilt stage. It is easy

to tell yourself its not your fault but the feeling still lingers. My mother

wont talk to me and has told all of her " friends " that I am dead to her. I am

unsure if I should try to contact her? Any insight?

[Guest guest]

As one daughter of a bpd to another I would recommend that you do not contact

her.  It gives her power.  Mine has pulled the same stunt several times and

each time I just went about life normally and all of a suddent she would call me

and act like nothing happened.  Trying to contact her will give her control,

she knows its hurting you.  By ignoring her you can take away that little bit

of power without physically hurting anyone.  Of course it hurts emotionally but

if you let her know how much she'll just continue to abuse it.  The nex time

you have a disagreement she'll go the ER and tell you its all your fault.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, May 16, 2012 8:38 PM

Subject: New to the group

 

So I just found out that BPD is what my mother has. I had never heard of such a

thing until this last falling out. I started some therapy and the doctor I visit

was able to give her behavior a name. I am still in the guilt stage. It is easy

to tell yourself its not your fault but the feeling still lingers. My mother

wont talk to me and has told all of her " friends " that I am dead to her. I am

unsure if I should try to contact her? Any insight?

[Guest guest]

She probably didn't really *mean* it because she wants you to come crawling back

in a big dramatic moment where she can remain on top, with you groveling at her

feet.

However, when someone says " don't call me, " they are setting a boundary. Not

calling her respects that boundary.

>

> As one daughter of a bpd to another I would recommend that you do not contact

her.  It gives her power.  Mine has pulled the same stunt several times and

each time I just went about life normally and all of a suddent she would call me

and act like nothing happened.  Trying to contact her will give her control,

she knows its hurting you.  By ignoring her you can take away that little bit

of power without physically hurting anyone.  Of course it hurts emotionally but

if you let her know how much she'll just continue to abuse it.  The nex time

you have a disagreement she'll go the ER and tell you its all your fault.

[Guest guest]

Hi Mici, welcome to the Group.

It takes time to absorb all this new information about what's going on with your

parent.

Its hard to take in the realization that your mother is not just " difficult " ,

not just " nervous " , not just " bossy and controlling " , or " anxious, fearful and

childish. " Not just " really sensitive " or " volatile. " Personality disorder is

a mental illness, and its not something that a person " gets over " like a cold.

Its not easy to achieve a different perspective: a more adult, more autonomous,

more emotionally detached, healthier perspective on your relationship with your

personality-disordered mother. It takes time. As Doug, one of the members here

says, be gentle with yourself as you process all this.

Its hard to work our way out of the FOG: the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt that

we've been saddled with even though its inappropriate guilt, and misplaced

obligation.

My suggestion is to read all you can about personality disorders; somehow it

helps us to process all this stuff. Knowledge is power, and empowering. There

are a lot of good books out there now about borderline pd; there is an extensive

reading list link at the home page of this Group site. I personally recommend

Understanding The Borderline Mother although it packs a powerful emotional

wallop.

And it helped me, anyway, to realize and accept that: (a) it wasn't just me,

there were others who experienced so many similar traumas and received similar

damage that my Sister and I did, ( I didn't make my mother the way she was,

she had been mentally ill her whole life, and © there was nothing that I

personally could have possibly said or done that would have made her well and

happy.

-Annie

>

> So I just found out that BPD is what my mother has. I had never heard of such

a thing until this last falling out. I started some therapy and the doctor I

visit was able to give her behavior a name. I am still in the guilt stage. It is

easy to tell yourself its not your fault but the feeling still lingers. My

mother wont talk to me and has told all of her " friends " that I am dead to her.

I am unsure if I should try to contact her? Any insight?

>

[Guest guest]

((( Hi Micimj,)))

I really feel for you. This hurts so much, especially when they make

their smear campaigns sooooooo public.

My Nada went NC with me about a year and a half ago, her choice. Again.

She, also, has had a wonderful time telling family and friends what a

monster dung baby I am. Again.

She recently made a lame reconciliation attempt - with an audience, I'm

sure, - by calling me at a time when she* knows* I will be unable to answer

the phone. Again.

If she really wanted to make amends, she would call when I'm available,

or write a letter, or card, and be done with it. The phone and audience

routine is an old one with her.....

It seems to me, that (BPD) behaviors differ from genuine distress,

and desperation - driven attempts to resolve issues thru extreme measures,

(going NC,) but rather functions as a means of attaining a source of BPD

" supply, " - the social and emotional resources they need in order to

justify, camouflage, and support their rage/manipulation motivated

behaviors - and, to feed their pathological hunger for attention...the

very fact that BPDs choose to go so extreme *and* public with their

propaganda campaigns, makes their motives suspect.

It seems to me, that the very public defacing that my Nada commits

against family members with whom she is angry, is calculated manipulation,

and a pathological rage response, publicly cloaked as a - hurt - woman, -

at - her - wits - end - seeking - the - advice - of - trusted - companions

.. . .

The very public nature of these attacks and outrage tag these behaviors

more as self-righteous, and self-serving grandstanding and revenge, than

as an attempt to ease or resolve their profound grief over an untenable

situation.

* *My Nada *knows* she is BPD. She *knows* it. She has been in and out

of therapy for years. She uses the BPD diagnosis like a get - out - of -

jail - free card.

*

* If she is confronted by family members about her behaviors, her response

may be, " well what do you expect, I'm a borderline !)

Her batshit behavior is *not* due to a lack of knowledge, insight,

information, or intelligence.

It would seem that BPD brains are wired differently, than non-BPDs and

that BPD behavior is as intrinsic to their being as is their bone-structure.

The book, Evil Genes, *Hitler, Stalin, and Why My Sister Stole My* *Mothers

Boyfriend*, by Barbara Oakley, offers a very compassionate and readable

book that discusses the issues of behavior and brain function. I keep it,

along with *Stop Walking on Eggshells*, By Randi Kreger, and *Understanding

the Borderline Mother,* by Lawson, on my nightstand.

The whole BPD issue is complex, compound and confusing. . . .If our BPD

caregiver had only been a monster all the time, it would have been a whole

lot easier. They are predictably perverse, inconsistent, manipulative and

often rage driven.

Welcome to OZ, we can't throw buckets of water on all the witches,

however, we can arm ourselves with squirt-guns, really cute running shoes,

and good companions;)

Warm Regards, Sunspot

*

*

> **

>

>

> Hi Micimj & welcome.

>

> It's a real kick to find out finally, isn't it? I don't know if the guilt

> ever goes away: I was the one charged with always peacemaking things for

> her, gluing it all back together when she pushed the family asunder. It's

> kind of hard letting it sink in that it *really isn't* my purpose in life!

>

> My mother is still clueless about her condition--she'd never believe me or

> anyone else. If your mother isn't even talking to you, what would you gain

> by trying to talk to her about this? More denial from her? More rejection

> and heartbreak?

>

> I'm probably the last person on this board that should give advice about

> getting out of enmeshment with a BPD parent. But you can 'let go' of trying

> to fix her, and you don't need agreement from her that she has finally been

> diagnosed. Trust me, she won't welcome your news, it won't make things

> better for either of you. Their very survival is dependent on maintaining

> the fragile facade of who they think they are--a persona built over a

> lifetime. Seeing that persona for the chimera it really is seems to be

> virtually impossible for them.

>

>

> >

> > So I just found out that BPD is what my mother has. I had never heard of

> such a thing until this last falling out. I started some therapy and the

> doctor I visit was able to give her behavior a name. I am still in the

> guilt stage. It is easy to tell yourself its not your fault but the feeling

> still lingers. My mother wont talk to me and has told all of her " friends "

> that I am dead to her. I am unsure if I should try to contact her? Any

> insight?

> >

>

>

>