UTBM update: the rest of the book changed my life in a very GOOD way!

May 19, 2012

Once I got past the outdated " BDPs are created " stuff, and realized that my

husband did indeed treat our daughter like they mention, I let go of my guilt

and began to absorb the book, Understanding the Borderline Mothe. Like nothing

else, it did indeed help me to really understand my nada and just how invasive

she was and unfortunately still is in my psyche. (She's dead, btw.)

Right after I got the book, my sister came for a visit with me and our 94+ year

old father. My sister and I read many parts of the book together and it really

resonated for us. While most of the time we were both " bad, " she definitely was

the all bad and I was the all good, and our father was " the fisherman " who

sacrificed us to appease our half queen, half witch mother. I also realized that

my daughter is a waif, and part queen. This information was so valuable that

when, just by chance, my husband, who'd been singing the " let's get back

together " song for six months abruptly broke it off. I will have to share his

breakup email in another post - it's so BPD it's not funny.

It was clear to me that my unfinished business with my mother was why I felt bad

about the breakup of my relationship with my husband - again - this is the third

time - and I don't really like him frankly. I just wanted for us to at least be

friendly, have a few laughs and hopefully get some information on our daughter

who lives with him (her choice). (He's now in another state so this breakup is

not a big change, just no communication any more and no friendly " dating "

visits.) His letter gave reasons that were delusional for breaking it off - very

nada like - and I knew it was useless to say anything back. It's been two weeks

and I have not responded to his letter. He is, after all, just a shadow; it's my

nada's fine hand in rejection and delusional accusations that has come back to

haunt me, and now I know how hopeless and useless it is to even think about

doing anything about what he said in that email.

Ah, how I thought I was past this but the good news is, with the book's

information, I realize that it is like this: our nadas, fadas, they had if you

will a remote in their hands when we were born and all though our childhood.

They were supposed to eventually turn it over to us, or if you prefer another

analogy, use it less and less and then get rid of it. BPD parents don't do that,

they keep the remote and we need that remote. We can say " get over it, he/she

isn't worth it " but first we have to know how to do that - we need the remote

and we need help (the book says therapy because a good therapist will know what

questions to ask and we do not - and in my case I agree) to get that remote, and

really get it in our possession.

So, I am resuming therapy with the therapist who tried to help me, my daughter

and husband about 3 years ago. The only one who went to therapy with any

regularity was...me.

I will get that remote!!

Flowers

May 20, 2012

I like the analogy of handing over the remote. The remote controls what happens,

whether we're on or off (listened to or ignored) and what channels are running

(what we're allowed to do and say). At my old age I still feel like she has the

remote at times. My question is to myself - am I handing it over to her at times

or does she still have complete control? I want to own myself, my life and not

respond/react to her clicks.

>

I realize that it is like this: our nadas, fadas, they had if you will a remote

in their hands when we were born and all though our childhood. They were

supposed to eventually turn it over to us, or if you prefer another analogy, use

it less and less and then get rid of it. BPD parents don't do that, they keep

the remote and we need that remote. We can say " get over it, he/she isn't worth

it " but first we have to know how to do that - we need the remote and we need

help (the book says therapy because a good therapist will know what questions to

ask and we do not - and in my case I agree) to get that remote, and really get

it in our possession.

>

> So, I am resuming therapy with the therapist who tried to help me, my daughter

and husband about 3 years ago. The only one who went to therapy with any

regularity was...me.

>

> I will get that remote!!

>

> Flowers

>

May 20, 2012

Very cool Irene.

Thanks to our nadas, we are unable to stop how we feel and/or block ridiculous

messages from her or other personality disordered people because we don't have

control. We are then in effect, " finding " other people in our lives (those we

marry for example) who also control that remote. We unknowingly do this and will

do this until we get " remote control acquisition " training (in therapy, and/or

books or here with you dear KO's).

People with normal loving parents transfer the remote into the brains and hearts

of their children here and there as they grow - so when they are adults, they

aren't held hostage by their nadas or those who are shadows of nada (like

husbands, wives, bosses and so on).

Maybe it's like we sometimes " marry our nadas " (as I did) because we are

thinking erroneously that we will finally have that part of our childhood

fulfilled.

Flowers

-----Original Message-----

>

> >

>I like the analogy of handing over the remote. The remote controls what

happens, whether we're on or off (listened to or ignored) and what channels are

running (what we're allowed to do and say). At my old age I still feel like she

has the remote at times. My question is to myself - am I handing it over to her

at times or does she still have complete control? I want to own myself, my life

and not respond/react to her clicks.

>

>>

> I realize that it is like this: our nadas, fadas, they had if you will a

remote in their hands when we were born and all though our childhood. They were