OT / Personality test this weekend

[Guest guest]

On Fridays, I've been part of a women's church group. It's been a really

stretching time for me. I am someone that does not mix well in groups.  I do

best on my own and am not a " joiner. "  

But I recognize this in myself and force myself to join things. The reason I

force is because getting there for me is the battle, making myself go. Once I'm

there, I have a *great* time and am always glad I went. I always feel revived

and usually will meet someone I'm glad to have met. 

Anyway, this past Friday, we did these personality assessments. They're quite

involved and are like filling out a federal tax form. You don't get results

right away. The group moderator puts the results together and told us she would

send us the results this week.

We were all done completing our forms and someone asked the moderator to read

the personality type definitions out loud...the various types were Director,

Networker, Adapter, etc. When she got to Reserved (which is defined as a

distant, unexpressive type of person), she turned to me and said, " Fiona, that's

YOU! "   She didn't say it in a mean or bitchy way at all, but I felt put on the

spot and I felt like I'd been outed, in a way.  All that effort I'd been making

to be more sociable, to be more friendly and open, only to be seen for what I

am: distant, unexpressive, RESERVED.  (btw, I HATE those categories. Aside from

Reserved, all the others are more upbeat and positive: " Unconventional, "

" Director, " " Fun-loving... "

I dwelled on this all weekend and thought, Oh God, I won't want to be a hermit

like my mother. I don't want to sit in my house, watching tv all day and night,

refusing human contact.

Even after what happened this weekend, I just have to affirm that this is who I

am. I am not an outgoing, back-slapping type of person, and I refuse to let that

hold me back from having friends. I'm just not very good at being a good friend.

 I don't have Facebook. What would be the point??  I would have about 7 friends,

if that.

Anyway, just sharing.  Thanks for being here for me!

Fiona

[Guest guest]

*Very* interesting!

I can relate to almost everything that you say here -- how I am in groups,

a lot of how my mother was, what my default is (isolate) -- and how people

generally describe me.

And I think that this points out a common " inheritance " and " legacy " that

KOs often have because of our BPD parents. Mainly because I am a man and I

am sure that many other parts of my life and yours are very, very different

-- so it's got to be either genetics (and I personally think that genetics

have only a small role in personality) or upbringing that brought you and I

to such similarities.

And hearing someone else say these things helps me feel a little less like

*I* am the only one who is " Reserved " !

Thank you!

--Dana

On Mon, May 21, 2012 at 9:14 AM, Fiona hermitsdaughter@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> On Fridays, I've been part of a women's church group. It's been a really

> stretching time for me. I am someone that does not mix well in groups. I

> do best on my own and am not a " joiner. "

>

> But I recognize this in myself and force myself to join things. The reason

> I force is because getting there for me is the battle, making myself go.

> Once I'm there, I have a *great* time and am always glad I went. I always

> feel revived and usually will meet someone I'm glad to have met.

>

> Anyway, this past Friday, we did these personality assessments. They're

> quite involved and are like filling out a federal tax form. You don't get

> results right away. The group moderator puts the results together and told

> us she would send us the results this week.

>

> We were all done completing our forms and someone asked the moderator to

> read the personality type definitions out loud...the various types were

> Director, Networker, Adapter, etc. When she got to Reserved (which is

> defined as a distant, unexpressive type of person), she turned to me and

> said, " Fiona, that's YOU! " She didn't say it in a mean or bitchy way at

> all, but I felt put on the spot and I felt like I'd been outed, in a way.

> All that effort I'd been making to be more sociable, to be more friendly

> and open, only to be seen for what I am: distant, unexpressive, RESERVED.

> (btw, I HATE those categories. Aside from Reserved, all the others are

> more upbeat and positive: " Unconventional, " " Director, " " Fun-loving... "

>

> I dwelled on this all weekend and thought, Oh God, I won't want to be a

> hermit like my mother. I don't want to sit in my house, watching tv all day

> and night, refusing human contact.

>

> Even after what happened this weekend, I just have to affirm that this is

> who I am. I am not an outgoing, back-slapping type of person, and I refuse

> to let that hold me back from having friends. I'm just not very good at

> being a good friend. I don't have Facebook. What would be the point?? I

> would have about 7 friends, if that.

>

> Anyway, just sharing. Thanks for being here for me!

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

*Very* interesting!

I can relate to almost everything that you say here -- how I am in groups,

a lot of how my mother was, what my default is (isolate) -- and how people

generally describe me.

And I think that this points out a common " inheritance " and " legacy " that

KOs often have because of our BPD parents. Mainly because I am a man and I

am sure that many other parts of my life and yours are very, very different

-- so it's got to be either genetics (and I personally think that genetics

have only a small role in personality) or upbringing that brought you and I

to such similarities.

And hearing someone else say these things helps me feel a little less like

*I* am the only one who is " Reserved " !

Thank you!

--Dana

On Mon, May 21, 2012 at 9:14 AM, Fiona hermitsdaughter@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> On Fridays, I've been part of a women's church group. It's been a really

> stretching time for me. I am someone that does not mix well in groups. I

> do best on my own and am not a " joiner. "

>

> But I recognize this in myself and force myself to join things. The reason

> I force is because getting there for me is the battle, making myself go.

> Once I'm there, I have a *great* time and am always glad I went. I always

> feel revived and usually will meet someone I'm glad to have met.

>

> Anyway, this past Friday, we did these personality assessments. They're

> quite involved and are like filling out a federal tax form. You don't get

> results right away. The group moderator puts the results together and told

> us she would send us the results this week.

>

> We were all done completing our forms and someone asked the moderator to

> read the personality type definitions out loud...the various types were

> Director, Networker, Adapter, etc. When she got to Reserved (which is

> defined as a distant, unexpressive type of person), she turned to me and

> said, " Fiona, that's YOU! " She didn't say it in a mean or bitchy way at

> all, but I felt put on the spot and I felt like I'd been outed, in a way.

> All that effort I'd been making to be more sociable, to be more friendly

> and open, only to be seen for what I am: distant, unexpressive, RESERVED.

> (btw, I HATE those categories. Aside from Reserved, all the others are

> more upbeat and positive: " Unconventional, " " Director, " " Fun-loving... "

>

> I dwelled on this all weekend and thought, Oh God, I won't want to be a

> hermit like my mother. I don't want to sit in my house, watching tv all day

> and night, refusing human contact.

>

> Even after what happened this weekend, I just have to affirm that this is

> who I am. I am not an outgoing, back-slapping type of person, and I refuse

> to let that hold me back from having friends. I'm just not very good at

> being a good friend. I don't have Facebook. What would be the point?? I

> would have about 7 friends, if that.

>

> Anyway, just sharing. Thanks for being here for me!

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Fiona;

There is a possibility that the way you are has to do with having a nada. Also,

I do that sometimes (hiding away, living alone, not joining groups) because it

seems to always lead to some question that puts me in a defensive mode - or

something abusive (or that I find abusive like what happened to you) and I

figure that being alone is better.

You probably recall that your hermit nada wasn't aware that what she was doing

was not normal. You see the difference and make a choice based on, perhaps, what

you feel you can handle after a childhood with her. You know that she didn't

give you any examples except hermit examples. It's hard. I don't do Facebook

either. All the hub bub would get to me after awhile.

And some of those back-slapping fun loving people are faking it. My husband used

to do that and was hard to be with before, and then after, come home and fall

apart and say abusive things.

Flowers

-----Original Message-----

>We were all done completing our forms and someone asked the moderator to read

the personality type definitions out loud...the various types were Director,

Networker, Adapter, etc. When she got to Reserved (which is defined as a

distant, unexpressive type of person), she turned to me and said, " Fiona, that's

YOU! "   She didn't say it in a mean or bitchy way at all, but I felt put on the

spot and I felt like I'd been outed, in a way.  All that effort I'd been making

to be more sociable, to be more friendly and open, only to be seen for what I

am: distant, unexpressive, RESERVED.  (btw, I HATE those categories. Aside from

Reserved, all the others are more upbeat and positive: " Unconventional, "

" Director, " " Fun-loving... "

>

>I dwelled on this all weekend and thought, Oh God, I won't want to be a hermit

like my mother. I don't want to sit in my house, watching tv all day and night,

refusing human contact.

>

>Even after what happened this weekend, I just have to affirm that this is who I

am. I am not an outgoing, back-slapping type of person, and I refuse to let that

hold me back from having friends. I'm just not very good at being a good friend.

 I don't have Facebook. What would be the point??  I would have about 7

friends, if that.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree that many people who seem to be very outgoing and self confident are

faking it. We all fake stuff to some extent. I have a friend who tells me he

is very shy, but I see him strike up conversations with strangers all the time.

I think he does *great* at it! But since he *feels* nervous, he thinks he sucks

at it.

Deanna

>

> Hi Fiona;

>

> There is a possibility that the way you are has to do with having a nada.

Also, I do that sometimes (hiding away, living alone, not joining groups)

because it seems to always lead to some question that puts me in a defensive

mode - or something abusive (or that I find abusive like what happened to you)

and I figure that being alone is better.

>

> You probably recall that your hermit nada wasn't aware that what she was doing

was not normal. You see the difference and make a choice based on, perhaps, what

you feel you can handle after a childhood with her. You know that she didn't

give you any examples except hermit examples. It's hard. I don't do Facebook

either. All the hub bub would get to me after awhile.

>

> And some of those back-slapping fun loving people are faking it. My husband

used to do that and was hard to be with before, and then after, come home and

fall apart and say abusive things.

>

> Flowers

[Guest guest]

Hi, All

I think many of our childhoods were spent trying to fly *under* the

radar of our BPD family member - to be noticed meant we had to participate

in Bpd

theater - of - the - absurd, plus, Nada might change scripts in mid

production! Brunhilda, complete with breast-plates and spear, in the lead

role of Shirley Temples 'Curly Top' . . . Shirley Temple tap dancing her

way thru 'The Exorcist' . . . Mother Theresa sings 'Carmen' . . . . .

It was/is safer and less exhausting to sit quietly near the door.

Nothing wrong with being reserved!

Sunspot

On Mon, May 21, 2012 at 10:52 AM, Manning michelle@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> It makes great sense to me that many of us Kos are of the reserved type ( I

> am too)

>

> When you think about it we learned from birth to edit our emotions and

> reactions to anything or everything as we never knew what the reaction

> would

> be from out PD parent to said emotion, need or expression. Mostly our

> emotions, expressions were punished!!

>

> This *training* as kept me quiet and reserved for sure!

>

> M-

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854

> Sent: Monday, May 21, 2012 10:43 AM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: Re: OT / Personality test this weekend

>

>

> (((((Fiona)))))

>

> For whatever reason, it seems that our American culture/society values

> extroverts more than introverts, and yet both types of people can be very

> intelligent, kind, empathetic, compassionate, and interesting people who

> can

> enrich our lives with their friendships.

> I tend to be more of an introvert, myself, and like you not a natural

> " joiner " either.

>

> From what I understand, I believe that other cultures such as the Chinese

> culture value the introvert as well as or more than the extrovert.

>

> At the " Psychology Today " website (where the founder of this Group, Randi

> Kreger, the author of " Stop Walking On Eggshells " posts a blog) there are

> several contributors there who write about introversion, and how those who

> are more quiet and socially reserved think and feel, and why introversion

> is

> often under-valued here.

>

> I hope that you won't let this rather clueless individual ruin an otherwise

> enjoyable group experience for you. I too tend to be more of a " Pooh "

> personality who likes being around fellow " Pooh " or " Piglet " kinds of

> people, but I know several " Tigger " people who are very boisterous,

> physically active, and " bouncy " : they're good-hearted but kind of

> overwhelming and occasionally clueless, so I can take them only in limited

> doses.

>

> Maybe even consider the idea of trying out other groups that gather to

> engage in more

> quiet or intellectual activities, like a music appreciation group (where

> you

> attend concerts together and have dinner afterwards to discuss), or that

> sort of thing?

>

> I hope that helps.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > On Fridays, I've been part of a women's church group. It's been a really

> stretching time for me. I am someone that does not mix well in groups. I do

> best on my own and am not a " joiner. "

> >

> > But I recognize this in myself and force myself to join things. The

> reason

> I force is because getting there for me is the battle, making myself go.

> Once I'm there, I have a *great* time and am always glad I went. I always

> feel revived and usually will meet someone I'm glad to have met.

> >

> > Anyway, this past Friday, we did these personality assessments. They're

> quite involved and are like filling out a federal tax form. You don't get

> results right away. The group moderator puts the results together and told

> us she would send us the results this week.

> >

> > We were all done completing our forms and someone asked the moderator to

> read the personality type definitions out loud...the various types were

> Director, Networker, Adapter, etc. When she got to Reserved (which is

> defined as a distant, unexpressive type of person), she turned to me and

> said, " Fiona, that's YOU! " She didn't say it in a mean or bitchy way at

> all, but I felt put on the spot and I felt like I'd been outed, in a way.

> All that effort I'd been making to be more sociable, to be more friendly

> and

> open, only to be seen for what I am: distant, unexpressive, RESERVED. (btw,

> I HATE those categories. Aside from Reserved, all the others are more

> upbeat

> and positive: " Unconventional, " " Director, " " Fun-loving... "

> >

> > I dwelled on this all weekend and thought, Oh God, I won't want to be a

> hermit like my mother. I don't want to sit in my house, watching tv all day

> and night, refusing human contact.

> >

> > Even after what happened this weekend, I just have to affirm that this is

> who I am. I am not an outgoing, back-slapping type of person, and I refuse

> to let that hold me back from having friends. I'm just not very good at

> being a good friend. I don't have Facebook. What would be the point?? I

> would have about 7 friends, if that.

> >

> > Anyway, just sharing. Thanks for being here for me!

> >

> > Fiona

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I've taken a test like that before and I don't like them. It feels invasive and

I don't appreciate being put into a box, a specific category. And you're right,

the words they use to describe each type carry a certain bias to them. It's

human nature to assume a lot based on a descriptive word or even a name (they

did a study with that which turned out interesting). " Fun loving " sounds so

positive and would look great on a dating site. " Unconventional " sounds like a

risk taker, not someone I would want watching my kids. " Reserved " brings up a

picture of a stodgy library lady. See what I mean? And that's exactly why I

think these tests are useless.

We all have a pretty good feel for who we are. Some people love crowds and

noise. Others prefer a quieter lifestyle. I know I do. The more boring, the

better. And I like people but only 1 or 2 at a time. There's nothing wrong with

that. Just as there's nothing wrong with you being a private, peace loving

person. Consider the test nothing more than a game and laugh at it. You be

yourself and that will work just fine.

>

> On Fridays, I've been part of a women's church group. It's been a really

stretching time for me. I am someone that does not mix well in groups.  I do

best on my own and am not a " joiner. "  

>

> But I recognize this in myself and force myself to join things. The reason I

force is because getting there for me is the battle, making myself go. Once I'm

there, I have a *great* time and am always glad I went. I always feel revived

and usually will meet someone I'm glad to have met. 

>

> Anyway, this past Friday, we did these personality assessments. They're quite

involved and are like filling out a federal tax form. You don't get results

right away. The group moderator puts the results together and told us she would

send us the results this week.

>

> We were all done completing our forms and someone asked the moderator to read

the personality type definitions out loud...the various types were Director,

Networker, Adapter, etc. When she got to Reserved (which is defined as a

distant, unexpressive type of person), she turned to me and said, " Fiona, that's

YOU! "   She didn't say it in a mean or bitchy way at all, but I felt put on the

spot and I felt like I'd been outed, in a way.  All that effort I'd been making

to be more sociable, to be more friendly and open, only to be seen for what I

am: distant, unexpressive, RESERVED.  (btw, I HATE those categories. Aside from

Reserved, all the others are more upbeat and positive: " Unconventional, "

" Director, " " Fun-loving... "

>

> I dwelled on this all weekend and thought, Oh God, I won't want to be a hermit

like my mother. I don't want to sit in my house, watching tv all day and night,

refusing human contact.

>

> Even after what happened this weekend, I just have to affirm that this is who

I am. I am not an outgoing, back-slapping type of person, and I refuse to let

that hold me back from having friends. I'm just not very good at being a good

friend.  I don't have Facebook. What would be the point??  I would have about 7

friends, if that.

>

> Anyway, just sharing.  Thanks for being here for me!

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

" My nada *made me afraid of her*, then punished me for being afraid of her by

declaring that I was an unloving, rejecting, hateful child. "

that IS evil. You described my experience spot on.

> >

> > Thank you all for your fantastic insights. I am marinating in everything

everyone said. I appreciate the encouragement about being Reserved (yes with a

capital " R " ) and introverted. I needed it.

> >

> > It's true, as many of you said, that our personalities developed out of the

environments we were in. My parents - both of them and with great vigor - would

pounce on anything I said that they didn't like or agree with. I learned very

early to censor myself and to think VERY long and hard before I spoke.

> >

> > Another thing as I grew up was that nada would constantly, persistently,

speak of my personality with disdain. She would constantly ask me what I was

thinking, why I didn't talk more, she would tell anyone who would listen how

secretive I was, how i was just like my father, never opens her mouth...etc.

She was such a bitch that she couldn't just let me be who I was and had to shame

me about it all the time.

> >

> > Even now, I still censor myself. I wish I could say what I mean most of the

time, but it's still very hard for me. I still feel scared to just talk without

first " checking " to see how the other person will respond. I dip my toe into

the water when I chat with someone.

> >

> > And also, as some of you said, it's true and it stinks that our society

seems to favor the back-slappers. Like I said in my first post, the other

categories in this personality test got such great names: " Fun Loving, "

" Unconventional, " " Director, " " Networker. " In fact, I'm going to bring that up

on Friday: " Reserved " should have been called " Thinker, " or " Meditative, " or

" Philosopher. " Dagnabit!

> >

> > I will definitely check out the books that were suggested. They sound

great!!

> >

> > Thanks, guys. Hugs!

> >

> > Fiona

>