Guest guest Posted May 21, 2012 Report Share Posted May 21, 2012 I'm so relieved to find this group! I call my poor friends who just don't get what I struggle through. The Reader's Digest version: If you've read Roth's book on borderline mother's mine is the Waif and my father is the Frog. They chose to start foster parenting when I was 12 years old. I'm now the oldest of 7 kids (five are adopted). Which FITS the profile of a Waif!!! So to the world, my parents are highly functioning and caring people. But as a borderline mother, I started questioning at 11 years old if my parents loved me. I was sheltered, fed, clothed well...but my parents couldn't handle my sensitive heart. I'm a fairly gifted person in intellect and the arts, which threatened my mother (who wanted me to be a miserable housewife like her). So I became the bad child as soon as I was a teenager. Now in my 30s, I've spent a number of years in therapy to overcome the eating disorder, family and relationship issues I developed as a child. I'm making great progress: started my own successful business, been bulimic-free for 18 months, set strong boundaries with my family, surrounded myself with fantastic, healthy friends (including my parents' age). My ghosts: - Watching my young siblings (22-9 yrs old) struggle because of my mother. We have little to no relationship because my mother complains about me all the time to them. I live away from them, so I struggle with guilt at times for not being there for them. But I have to take care of myself. - I also discovered I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (another great book), so that exasperates my emotional struggles. But I'm developing my life so I can be more at peace (and not abuse food). I'm incredibly hard on myself at times. That wound called " I'm not enough " takes FOREVER to heal it seems. But it's getting better. - Romantic relationships: Well...I'm getting better at this...slowly. It's tough to be in my mid-30s and still single (while friends are popping babies and I don't even want kids). But I may be close to being able to have a healthy relationship (and not be attracted to men with emotional issues). So I'll be on here to vent and offer support to my fellow community. Thanks for reading! - April Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2012 Report Share Posted May 22, 2012 Welcome to the Group, April. You'll find a lot of understanding and support from your fellow adult kids of borderline pd parents here, as we travel along our various paths toward peace and healing. It sounds like you've made a very good start! Welcome! -Annie > > I'm so relieved to find this group! I call my poor friends who just don't get what I struggle through. > > The Reader's Digest version: > > If you've read Roth's book on borderline mother's mine is the Waif and my father is the Frog. They chose to start foster parenting when I was 12 years old. I'm now the oldest of 7 kids (five are adopted). Which FITS the profile of a Waif!!! > > So to the world, my parents are highly functioning and caring people. But as a borderline mother, I started questioning at 11 years old if my parents loved me. I was sheltered, fed, clothed well...but my parents couldn't handle my sensitive heart. I'm a fairly gifted person in intellect and the arts, which threatened my mother (who wanted me to be a miserable housewife like her). So I became the bad child as soon as I was a teenager. > > Now in my 30s, I've spent a number of years in therapy to overcome the eating disorder, family and relationship issues I developed as a child. I'm making great progress: started my own successful business, been bulimic-free for 18 months, set strong boundaries with my family, surrounded myself with fantastic, healthy friends (including my parents' age). > > My ghosts: > - Watching my young siblings (22-9 yrs old) struggle because of my mother. We have little to no relationship because my mother complains about me all the time to them. I live away from them, so I struggle with guilt at times for not being there for them. But I have to take care of myself. > > - I also discovered I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (another great book), so that exasperates my emotional struggles. But I'm developing my life so I can be more at peace (and not abuse food). I'm incredibly hard on myself at times. That wound called " I'm not enough " takes FOREVER to heal it seems. But it's getting better. > > - Romantic relationships: Well...I'm getting better at this...slowly. It's tough to be in my mid-30s and still single (while friends are popping babies and I don't even want kids). But I may be close to being able to have a healthy relationship (and not be attracted to men with emotional issues). > > So I'll be on here to vent and offer support to my fellow community. > > Thanks for reading! - April > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2012 Report Share Posted May 22, 2012 Welcome to the Group, April. You'll find a lot of understanding and support from your fellow adult kids of borderline pd parents here, as we travel along our various paths toward peace and healing. It sounds like you've made a very good start! Welcome! -Annie > > I'm so relieved to find this group! I call my poor friends who just don't get what I struggle through. > > The Reader's Digest version: > > If you've read Roth's book on borderline mother's mine is the Waif and my father is the Frog. They chose to start foster parenting when I was 12 years old. I'm now the oldest of 7 kids (five are adopted). Which FITS the profile of a Waif!!! > > So to the world, my parents are highly functioning and caring people. But as a borderline mother, I started questioning at 11 years old if my parents loved me. I was sheltered, fed, clothed well...but my parents couldn't handle my sensitive heart. I'm a fairly gifted person in intellect and the arts, which threatened my mother (who wanted me to be a miserable housewife like her). So I became the bad child as soon as I was a teenager. > > Now in my 30s, I've spent a number of years in therapy to overcome the eating disorder, family and relationship issues I developed as a child. I'm making great progress: started my own successful business, been bulimic-free for 18 months, set strong boundaries with my family, surrounded myself with fantastic, healthy friends (including my parents' age). > > My ghosts: > - Watching my young siblings (22-9 yrs old) struggle because of my mother. We have little to no relationship because my mother complains about me all the time to them. I live away from them, so I struggle with guilt at times for not being there for them. But I have to take care of myself. > > - I also discovered I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (another great book), so that exasperates my emotional struggles. But I'm developing my life so I can be more at peace (and not abuse food). I'm incredibly hard on myself at times. That wound called " I'm not enough " takes FOREVER to heal it seems. But it's getting better. > > - Romantic relationships: Well...I'm getting better at this...slowly. It's tough to be in my mid-30s and still single (while friends are popping babies and I don't even want kids). But I may be close to being able to have a healthy relationship (and not be attracted to men with emotional issues). > > So I'll be on here to vent and offer support to my fellow community. > > Thanks for reading! - April > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 Thank you Annie. Fiona...yes! My brother (the other " original " sibling in the family besides me) is my mother's " good child. " I can't stand being around him because he exudes such negativity and resentment. It's awful. He lives three miles from my family (while I live 1,000 miles away). Out of the seven kids, I'm the only one who understands our mom has BPD. It's so hard knowing my youngest siblings are being taught that he's a model adult! While I am the one my mother complains about " having hurt her so deeply " and therefore the kids want little to do with me once they become teens and so on. Because the rest of the kids are adopted. They're grateful just to have functioning parents. Which therefore the kids (and the rest of my extended family thanks to my mom) sees me as an ungrateful, lost " brat " for " how I hurt mom. " As my adopted siblings get older, I see them functioning but with messed up emotional lives. It's heart-breaking. My therapist and I agree maybe in 10-15 years from now, one or two of my six siblings will dare to " stop drinking the koolaid " and come to genuinely love me. By then I'll be 45-50 years old. An awfully long time to finally feel like I have REAL family. So ironic...considering my family adopted so many kids but I've been the orphan since I was 12 when I realized things weren't right with my mom. I have to go visit them this summer. I stayed away for a year and honestly, it's been wonderfully peaceful. I hate the agonizing feelings visiting brings up for me. Resisting the heavy guilt of staying away from my siblings (who all still live with my parents) and being surrounded by family members who think I'm " the problem. " But I've learned to stay in a hotel and rent a car. And I schedule phone time with my friends (particularly my older mentors) every night to help me avoid ingesting the emotional manipulation. And when I come home, I give myself 1-2 days off of work to just take care of myself, be surrounded by people who really do love me, let myself grieve, and then move forward with my life. Thanks for reading. It's so helpful to write. > > > > I'm so relieved to find this group! I call my poor friends who just don't get what I struggle through. > > > > The Reader's Digest version: > > > > If you've read Roth's book on borderline mother's mine is the Waif and my father is the Frog. They chose to start foster parenting when I was 12 years old. I'm now the oldest of 7 kids (five are adopted). Which FITS the profile of a Waif!!! > > > > So to the world, my parents are highly functioning and caring people. But as a borderline mother, I started questioning at 11 years old if my parents loved me. I was sheltered, fed, clothed well...but my parents couldn't handle my sensitive heart. I'm a fairly gifted person in intellect and the arts, which threatened my mother (who wanted me to be a miserable housewife like her). So I became the bad child as soon as I was a teenager. > > > > Now in my 30s, I've spent a number of years in therapy to overcome the eating disorder, family and relationship issues I developed as a child. I'm making great progress: started my own successful business, been bulimic-free for 18 months, set strong boundaries with my family, surrounded myself with fantastic, healthy friends (including my parents' age). > > > > My ghosts: > > - Watching my young siblings (22-9 yrs old) struggle because of my mother. We have little to no relationship because my mother complains about me all the time to them. I live away from them, so I struggle with guilt at times for not being there for them. But I have to take care of myself. > > > > - I also discovered I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (another great book), so that exasperates my emotional struggles. But I'm developing my life so I can be more at peace (and not abuse food). I'm incredibly hard on myself at times. That wound called " I'm not enough " takes FOREVER to heal it seems. But it's getting better. > > > > - Romantic relationships: Well...I'm getting better at this...slowly. It's tough to be in my mid-30s and still single (while friends are popping babies and I don't even want kids). But I may be close to being able to have a healthy relationship (and not be attracted to men with emotional issues). > > > > So I'll be on here to vent and offer support to my fellow community. > > > > Thanks for reading! - April > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 April, I too am new to this group and your post was the very first one I read. I'm sorry for your struggle yet I find comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. Your story resonated deeply with me because I have been struggling with an eating disorder for almost 8 years. Currently I'm working toward recovery. Through therapy I've come to realize that my mother has BPD and, being the youngest of 4, I have carried the " weight " of my mothers illness. Thank you for posting about how you create boundaries with your mother. This is something that I am struggling with. I'm constantly afraid that if I am not " there " for my mom then she will act out and hurt herself in some way as she's done many times. -mirasoulsoul > > > > I'm so relieved to find this group! I call my poor friends who just don't get what I struggle through. > > > > The Reader's Digest version: > > > > If you've read Roth's book on borderline mother's mine is the Waif and my father is the Frog. They chose to start foster parenting when I was 12 years old. I'm now the oldest of 7 kids (five are adopted). Which FITS the profile of a Waif!!! > > > > So to the world, my parents are highly functioning and caring people. But as a borderline mother, I started questioning at 11 years old if my parents loved me. I was sheltered, fed, clothed well...but my parents couldn't handle my sensitive heart. I'm a fairly gifted person in intellect and the arts, which threatened my mother (who wanted me to be a miserable housewife like her). So I became the bad child as soon as I was a teenager. > > > > Now in my 30s, I've spent a number of years in therapy to overcome the eating disorder, family and relationship issues I developed as a child. I'm making great progress: started my own successful business, been bulimic-free for 18 months, set strong boundaries with my family, surrounded myself with fantastic, healthy friends (including my parents' age). > > > > My ghosts: > > - Watching my young siblings (22-9 yrs old) struggle because of my mother. We have little to no relationship because my mother complains about me all the time to them. I live away from them, so I struggle with guilt at times for not being there for them. But I have to take care of myself. > > > > - I also discovered I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (another great book), so that exasperates my emotional struggles. But I'm developing my life so I can be more at peace (and not abuse food). I'm incredibly hard on myself at times. That wound called " I'm not enough " takes FOREVER to heal it seems. But it's getting better. > > > > - Romantic relationships: Well...I'm getting better at this...slowly. It's tough to be in my mid-30s and still single (while friends are popping babies and I don't even want kids). But I may be close to being able to have a healthy relationship (and not be attracted to men with emotional issues). > > > > So I'll be on here to vent and offer support to my fellow community. > > > > Thanks for reading! - April > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 April, I too am new to this group and your post was the very first one I read. I'm sorry for your struggle yet I find comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. Your story resonated deeply with me because I have been struggling with an eating disorder for almost 8 years. Currently I'm working toward recovery. Through therapy I've come to realize that my mother has BPD and, being the youngest of 4, I have carried the " weight " of my mothers illness. Thank you for posting about how you create boundaries with your mother. This is something that I am struggling with. I'm constantly afraid that if I am not " there " for my mom then she will act out and hurt herself in some way as she's done many times. -mirasoulsoul > > > > I'm so relieved to find this group! I call my poor friends who just don't get what I struggle through. > > > > The Reader's Digest version: > > > > If you've read Roth's book on borderline mother's mine is the Waif and my father is the Frog. They chose to start foster parenting when I was 12 years old. I'm now the oldest of 7 kids (five are adopted). Which FITS the profile of a Waif!!! > > > > So to the world, my parents are highly functioning and caring people. But as a borderline mother, I started questioning at 11 years old if my parents loved me. I was sheltered, fed, clothed well...but my parents couldn't handle my sensitive heart. I'm a fairly gifted person in intellect and the arts, which threatened my mother (who wanted me to be a miserable housewife like her). So I became the bad child as soon as I was a teenager. > > > > Now in my 30s, I've spent a number of years in therapy to overcome the eating disorder, family and relationship issues I developed as a child. I'm making great progress: started my own successful business, been bulimic-free for 18 months, set strong boundaries with my family, surrounded myself with fantastic, healthy friends (including my parents' age). > > > > My ghosts: > > - Watching my young siblings (22-9 yrs old) struggle because of my mother. We have little to no relationship because my mother complains about me all the time to them. I live away from them, so I struggle with guilt at times for not being there for them. But I have to take care of myself. > > > > - I also discovered I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (another great book), so that exasperates my emotional struggles. But I'm developing my life so I can be more at peace (and not abuse food). I'm incredibly hard on myself at times. That wound called " I'm not enough " takes FOREVER to heal it seems. But it's getting better. > > > > - Romantic relationships: Well...I'm getting better at this...slowly. It's tough to be in my mid-30s and still single (while friends are popping babies and I don't even want kids). But I may be close to being able to have a healthy relationship (and not be attracted to men with emotional issues). > > > > So I'll be on here to vent and offer support to my fellow community. > > > > Thanks for reading! - April > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 April - you sound so together about how to care for yourself and your sitch I am envious (not in the sense I want to take it away from you but of your relative youth in figuring it out). I also have been ostracized by the extended family at the hands of 4 bpd-npds. I also hope and wonder that some of my cousins might come around in 10-20 years (they are still children). Though since they are in a summer community I call the cesspool of narcissism I have no great hopes. Anyway I think you are handling the situation so well. Congratulations on your 18 months bulimia free- you are incredible! Sr Sent from my iPhone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2012 Report Share Posted May 30, 2012 Wow...thanks everyone for the complements. I do feel like I've made a lot of great progress...but it's been HARD HARD HARD. Particularly when I eliminated some of the co-dependent crutches in my life (certain relationships, support groups, and etc...). I even started my own business! Being almost entirely on my own was scary...but it really forced me to believe in myself (because I HAD no choice...I'm all I've really got!). I also haven't seen my family in a year. That's REALLY helped. Just knowing I'll see them sometime in the next couple of months makes me stressed. I was just talking with one of my " moms " tonight (I have two women my mom's age who have daughters my age and are there for me emotionally). I still have a lot to work through: - Not feeling love-able enough to deserve a man who can support me emotionally. I'm still SO drawn to emotionally closed off/damaged men. But at least I'm aware. I found myself even acting needy with the last guy (ugh!). - Over-doing for my clients and then not having time for me. I care too much about what they think of my work. - Binge-eating / sedentary life out of depression for not having time for myself (which keeps me feeling unworthy of love...you know the cycle). All of this stuff hinders my life and triggers that emotional self-abuse I got from my bpd mom. I know I can improve in this stuff (some I have to before I could ever be in a healthy relationship). It's tough. I watch my well-adjusted friends enjoying their husbands and second babies. I feel like I've had this emotional disability that's kept me alone, and only now am I " functional. " So maybe by 40, I'll at least be happily married and living a fulfilling life. > > > > > > I'm so relieved to find this group! I call my poor friends who just don't get what I struggle through. > > > > > > The Reader's Digest version: > > > > > > If you've read Roth's book on borderline mother's mine is the Waif and my father is the Frog. They chose to start foster parenting when I was 12 years old. I'm now the oldest of 7 kids (five are adopted). Which FITS the profile of a Waif!!! > > > > > > So to the world, my parents are highly functioning and caring people. But as a borderline mother, I started questioning at 11 years old if my parents loved me. I was sheltered, fed, clothed well...but my parents couldn't handle my sensitive heart. I'm a fairly gifted person in intellect and the arts, which threatened my mother (who wanted me to be a miserable housewife like her). So I became the bad child as soon as I was a teenager. > > > > > > Now in my 30s, I've spent a number of years in therapy to overcome the eating disorder, family and relationship issues I developed as a child. I'm making great progress: started my own successful business, been bulimic-free for 18 months, set strong boundaries with my family, surrounded myself with fantastic, healthy friends (including my parents' age). > > > > > > My ghosts: > > > - Watching my young siblings (22-9 yrs old) struggle because of my mother. We have little to no relationship because my mother complains about me all the time to them. I live away from them, so I struggle with guilt at times for not being there for them. But I have to take care of myself. > > > > > > - I also discovered I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (another great book), so that exasperates my emotional struggles. But I'm developing my life so I can be more at peace (and not abuse food). I'm incredibly hard on myself at times. That wound called " I'm not enough " takes FOREVER to heal it seems. But it's getting better. > > > > > > - Romantic relationships: Well...I'm getting better at this...slowly. It's tough to be in my mid-30s and still single (while friends are popping babies and I don't even want kids). But I may be close to being able to have a healthy relationship (and not be attracted to men with emotional issues). > > > > > > So I'll be on here to vent and offer support to my fellow community. > > > > > > Thanks for reading! - April > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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