what about the grandchildren?

[Guest guest]

I am just discovering that my mother may very well have bpd. The more I think

about it, the more I believe it is true. Now my 11 year old daughter is

experiencing resentment towards her grandmother, she doesn't want to have much

to do with her. This breaks my heart. My mother has been fine to her, it is

how mom treats me that hurts my daughter. What has been other people's

experience with this? And any other advice for me just starting this journey

would be helpful.

Thank you.

[Guest guest]

Hi " Simm " ,

Welcome to the Group.

This is a good place to gain validation and support from your fellow adult kids

of parents with borderline pd.

My first suggestion for you and perhaps also for your daughter is to read some

of the excellent books that are now available about borderline pd. " The

Essential Family Guide to BPD " and its workbook, the book " Understanding The

Borderline Mother " , the book " Surviving A Borderline Parent " and other books are

available to help you understand the disorder more completely.

Although I am not a parent, one of the main catalysts that propelled me to

decide to go No Contact with my borderline pd/narcissistic pd mother (whom I

refer to as " nada " ) was the way she treated my younger Sister. Nada treated

Sister horribly, and then nada would act like she didn't understand why Sister

was so emotionally distant (nada called that " mean " ) toward her.

When my Sister would call me and tell me how it was going with her and nada, I

could hear how alarmingly depressed my Sister was sounding. I was not surprised

when Sister told me she couldn't take it anymore and decided to go NO Contact

with our nada, and I decided that I needed to go No Contact also, for my own

reasons as well as to support my Sister.

Its a complicated and depressing thing to have someone with borderline pd as

your parent. The more you come to understand about the disorder, the better,

though. Reading about this disorder and coming to a greater understanding of it

can help alleviate the misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility for our

bpd parent's feelings, that we KOs tend to be saddled with.

This is just my own personal opinion, but if your 11 year old daughter is

feeling the need to establish emotional distance from her borderline pd

grandmother, then I would respect your daughter's feelings and not force her to

spend time with or pretend to feel emotionally close to someone she is NOT

comfortable being around.

-Annie

>

> I am just discovering that my mother may very well have bpd. The more I think

about it, the more I believe it is true. Now my 11 year old daughter is

experiencing resentment towards her grandmother, she doesn't want to have much

to do with her. This breaks my heart. My mother has been fine to her, it is

how mom treats me that hurts my daughter. What has been other people's

experience with this? And any other advice for me just starting this journey

would be helpful.

>

> Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi " Simm " ,

Welcome to the Group.

This is a good place to gain validation and support from your fellow adult kids

of parents with borderline pd.

My first suggestion for you and perhaps also for your daughter is to read some

of the excellent books that are now available about borderline pd. " The

Essential Family Guide to BPD " and its workbook, the book " Understanding The

Borderline Mother " , the book " Surviving A Borderline Parent " and other books are

available to help you understand the disorder more completely.

Although I am not a parent, one of the main catalysts that propelled me to

decide to go No Contact with my borderline pd/narcissistic pd mother (whom I

refer to as " nada " ) was the way she treated my younger Sister. Nada treated

Sister horribly, and then nada would act like she didn't understand why Sister

was so emotionally distant (nada called that " mean " ) toward her.

When my Sister would call me and tell me how it was going with her and nada, I

could hear how alarmingly depressed my Sister was sounding. I was not surprised

when Sister told me she couldn't take it anymore and decided to go NO Contact

with our nada, and I decided that I needed to go No Contact also, for my own

reasons as well as to support my Sister.

Its a complicated and depressing thing to have someone with borderline pd as

your parent. The more you come to understand about the disorder, the better,

though. Reading about this disorder and coming to a greater understanding of it

can help alleviate the misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility for our

bpd parent's feelings, that we KOs tend to be saddled with.

This is just my own personal opinion, but if your 11 year old daughter is

feeling the need to establish emotional distance from her borderline pd

grandmother, then I would respect your daughter's feelings and not force her to

spend time with or pretend to feel emotionally close to someone she is NOT

comfortable being around.

-Annie

>

> I am just discovering that my mother may very well have bpd. The more I think

about it, the more I believe it is true. Now my 11 year old daughter is

experiencing resentment towards her grandmother, she doesn't want to have much

to do with her. This breaks my heart. My mother has been fine to her, it is

how mom treats me that hurts my daughter. What has been other people's

experience with this? And any other advice for me just starting this journey

would be helpful.

>

> Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi " Simm " ,

Welcome to the Group.

This is a good place to gain validation and support from your fellow adult kids

of parents with borderline pd.

My first suggestion for you and perhaps also for your daughter is to read some

of the excellent books that are now available about borderline pd. " The

Essential Family Guide to BPD " and its workbook, the book " Understanding The

Borderline Mother " , the book " Surviving A Borderline Parent " and other books are

available to help you understand the disorder more completely.

Although I am not a parent, one of the main catalysts that propelled me to

decide to go No Contact with my borderline pd/narcissistic pd mother (whom I

refer to as " nada " ) was the way she treated my younger Sister. Nada treated

Sister horribly, and then nada would act like she didn't understand why Sister

was so emotionally distant (nada called that " mean " ) toward her.

When my Sister would call me and tell me how it was going with her and nada, I

could hear how alarmingly depressed my Sister was sounding. I was not surprised

when Sister told me she couldn't take it anymore and decided to go NO Contact

with our nada, and I decided that I needed to go No Contact also, for my own

reasons as well as to support my Sister.

Its a complicated and depressing thing to have someone with borderline pd as

your parent. The more you come to understand about the disorder, the better,

though. Reading about this disorder and coming to a greater understanding of it

can help alleviate the misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility for our

bpd parent's feelings, that we KOs tend to be saddled with.

This is just my own personal opinion, but if your 11 year old daughter is

feeling the need to establish emotional distance from her borderline pd

grandmother, then I would respect your daughter's feelings and not force her to

spend time with or pretend to feel emotionally close to someone she is NOT

comfortable being around.

-Annie

>

> I am just discovering that my mother may very well have bpd. The more I think

about it, the more I believe it is true. Now my 11 year old daughter is

experiencing resentment towards her grandmother, she doesn't want to have much

to do with her. This breaks my heart. My mother has been fine to her, it is

how mom treats me that hurts my daughter. What has been other people's

experience with this? And any other advice for me just starting this journey

would be helpful.

>

> Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

I also have just recently discovered BPD from my counselor who has unofficially

diagnosed my mother with it. I am trying to have no contact with her because of

everything that she has been doing to me and a few of my family members. the

hard part is that i don't want my kids to suffer from my decision. my mother

knows what to do to hurt me the most and unfortunately my kids are her only

leverage. my oldest daughter is only 8 and she has already made comments on how

her mom doesn't let her see her grandma. you should feel relieved that your

daughter has formed her own opinion and is old enough to kind of understand

things better. help her get better educated about BPD and let make her own

choices about her relationship with her grandma. i honestly can't wait for the

day that my daughters finally see that i am not the problem and i only want to

protect them from all the terrible things that i went through growing up.

Everyone tells me that my kids will realize and understand better as they get

older....i hope so. however i do not say anything negative to them about their

grandma, but the whole situation is very frustrating.

*CCR*

> >

> > I am just discovering that my mother may very well have bpd. The more I

think about it, the more I believe it is true. Now my 11 year old daughter is

experiencing resentment towards her grandmother, she doesn't want to have much

to do with her. This breaks my heart. My mother has been fine to her, it is

how mom treats me that hurts my daughter. What has been other people's

experience with this? And any other advice for me just starting this journey

would be helpful.

> >

> > Thank you.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I also have just recently discovered BPD from my counselor who has unofficially

diagnosed my mother with it. I am trying to have no contact with her because of

everything that she has been doing to me and a few of my family members. the

hard part is that i don't want my kids to suffer from my decision. my mother

knows what to do to hurt me the most and unfortunately my kids are her only

leverage. my oldest daughter is only 8 and she has already made comments on how

her mom doesn't let her see her grandma. you should feel relieved that your

daughter has formed her own opinion and is old enough to kind of understand

things better. help her get better educated about BPD and let make her own

choices about her relationship with her grandma. i honestly can't wait for the

day that my daughters finally see that i am not the problem and i only want to

protect them from all the terrible things that i went through growing up.

Everyone tells me that my kids will realize and understand better as they get

older....i hope so. however i do not say anything negative to them about their

grandma, but the whole situation is very frustrating.

*CCR*

> >

> > I am just discovering that my mother may very well have bpd. The more I

think about it, the more I believe it is true. Now my 11 year old daughter is

experiencing resentment towards her grandmother, she doesn't want to have much

to do with her. This breaks my heart. My mother has been fine to her, it is

how mom treats me that hurts my daughter. What has been other people's

experience with this? And any other advice for me just starting this journey

would be helpful.

> >

> > Thank you.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I also have just recently discovered BPD from my counselor who has unofficially

diagnosed my mother with it. I am trying to have no contact with her because of

everything that she has been doing to me and a few of my family members. the

hard part is that i don't want my kids to suffer from my decision. my mother

knows what to do to hurt me the most and unfortunately my kids are her only

leverage. my oldest daughter is only 8 and she has already made comments on how

her mom doesn't let her see her grandma. you should feel relieved that your

daughter has formed her own opinion and is old enough to kind of understand

things better. help her get better educated about BPD and let make her own

choices about her relationship with her grandma. i honestly can't wait for the

day that my daughters finally see that i am not the problem and i only want to

protect them from all the terrible things that i went through growing up.

Everyone tells me that my kids will realize and understand better as they get

older....i hope so. however i do not say anything negative to them about their

grandma, but the whole situation is very frustrating.

*CCR*

> >

> > I am just discovering that my mother may very well have bpd. The more I

think about it, the more I believe it is true. Now my 11 year old daughter is

experiencing resentment towards her grandmother, she doesn't want to have much

to do with her. This breaks my heart. My mother has been fine to her, it is

how mom treats me that hurts my daughter. What has been other people's

experience with this? And any other advice for me just starting this journey

would be helpful.

> >

> > Thank you.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I m not as subtle, or as nice, as Annie. But we all know that.

My take on it, both as a KO raised alone from 14 on by a shrieking,

whining, crying, manipulative waif/hermit BP mom, and as a Dad of 4 kids

and 4 grandkids, who had thier experiences with Grandnada is as follows.

Never. Ever. Under any circumstances whatsoever. Not if it means life

or death, not if it is the end of the world, not for a million dollars.

Never leave any child , until they reach adulthood and can make their

own decisions and defend themselves, with any BP, unless they have been

in treatment and responded well, ( a rarity), and everyone has talked

about things, and the child has a no questions asked escape hatch. One

phone call and they are picked up at once. And even then I d be nervous.

But for most of our Nadas, who are still full fledged Nadas, seriously,

you know all the crap you were subjected to as a child? Now she has had

decades to perfect her technique, and she will most certainly begin FOG

on your child as soon as she is with her.

She may be treating her as golden and you as black sheep now. But she is

capable of turning on your innocent 11 yo daughter in an instant if she

bucks her, or fails to feed her needs. And she may not like being the

Golden child while watching you be the black sheep. Also, you say Nada

has always treated her fine, but have there been times Nada and daughter

were together outside your presence? I let my daughter spend a week

with her Grandmother at about that age once. Once. She came home in

tears and said never again.

BP s do NOT have relationships with people. BP s have people that they

use and manipulate to feed thier own extreme emotional needs.

I would never let my BPD mother be with one of my children without me

there to say , Mom, thats not right, fair, or whatever. Or to say, Mom,

that s it, we are leaving.

One of the cries of my heart is why didnt anyone see how crazy this

woman was and rescue me. So, I have a very strong take on Nada and the

grandkids. Only with you around. Period.

Doug

[Guest guest]

When my kids were very young and I would visit my parents, my kids were given a

deck of cards, crayons and some paper and sent to another room so the grownups

could talk. This was how my nada handled them. As soon as my kids were a bit

older, I allowed them to stay home instead. What was the point of visiting her

when she had no interest in them? Even now, my kids are in their late 20's and

early 30's and they have no desire to visit with her. And she resents the heck

out of it. But my kids' feelings are more important than my nada's need for

attention and control. I don't like hearing my nada's comments about them but I

love my children more.

Your daughter is wise for her years. She's aware that the way your mom treats

you just isn't right. She wants to show support for you by taking a stand

against your mom's behavior. Yes, it's awkward and hard to explain. But I admire

her for being braver than I am. I have so much trouble protecting myself from my

nada's attitude. Also, in a way, she's protecting herself from eventually being

on the receiving end of the same treatment.

Looking back, I wish I hadn't forced my kids to spend time around my nada. She

was never interested in them, not really. It just made for some bad memories.

>

> I am just discovering that my mother may very well have bpd. The more I think

about it, the more I believe it is true. Now my 11 year old daughter is

experiencing resentment towards her grandmother, she doesn't want to have much

to do with her. This breaks my heart. My mother has been fine to her, it is

how mom treats me that hurts my daughter. What has been other people's

experience with this? And any other advice for me just starting this journey

would be helpful.

>

> Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

When my kids were very young and I would visit my parents, my kids were given a

deck of cards, crayons and some paper and sent to another room so the grownups

could talk. This was how my nada handled them. As soon as my kids were a bit

older, I allowed them to stay home instead. What was the point of visiting her

when she had no interest in them? Even now, my kids are in their late 20's and

early 30's and they have no desire to visit with her. And she resents the heck

out of it. But my kids' feelings are more important than my nada's need for

attention and control. I don't like hearing my nada's comments about them but I

love my children more.

Your daughter is wise for her years. She's aware that the way your mom treats

you just isn't right. She wants to show support for you by taking a stand

against your mom's behavior. Yes, it's awkward and hard to explain. But I admire

her for being braver than I am. I have so much trouble protecting myself from my

nada's attitude. Also, in a way, she's protecting herself from eventually being

on the receiving end of the same treatment.

Looking back, I wish I hadn't forced my kids to spend time around my nada. She

was never interested in them, not really. It just made for some bad memories.

>

> I am just discovering that my mother may very well have bpd. The more I think

about it, the more I believe it is true. Now my 11 year old daughter is

experiencing resentment towards her grandmother, she doesn't want to have much

to do with her. This breaks my heart. My mother has been fine to her, it is

how mom treats me that hurts my daughter. What has been other people's

experience with this? And any other advice for me just starting this journey

would be helpful.

>

> Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

I am a grand-daughter of a BPD. It's the EXACT same thing for me. As a kid I

watched her mistreat my mom. However my mom also is BPD, so she would only

complain about being a victim when I was a kid.

It caused me to cut off a relationship with my grandmother, but that's because

as an adult, I became afraid of how she would treat me. And sure enough, my

grandmother complains about me behind my back to the family (she just acts nice

to my face). I spend no time with her because I don't want to give her " ammo. "

I recommend sitting down with your daughter and explaining grandmother can't

help herself. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, her daughter. It's

just grandmother has a disability that the family accepts (but we never discuss

with grandmother).

But absolutely more important than anything else...YOU MUST SHOW YOUR DAUGHTER

that you value and stick up for yourself regardless of how your mom treats you.

The way you allow unhealthy people like your mother treat you will have a 100%

effect on how your daughter allows others to treat her (especially as an adult).

So the best thing you can do for your daughter...learn how to take care of

yourself around your mother. She must have a lot of power in your relationship

to make your daughter resent her.

So please learn to make boundaries (not out of spite of your mother but out of

love for yourself). Treat yourself how you want your daughter to treat herself

when dealing with emotionally manipulative people!

And talk respectfully of your mother to her. Complaining about your mother only

gives your mother more power over you. It'll teach your daughter she can be

compassionate to her grandmother and that you, the very definition of your

daughter's self-worth, should never let people mistreat you. Not to mention

your daughter will be proud of her strong and self-loving mom!

I hope this helps.

>

> I am just discovering that my mother may very well have bpd. The more I think

about it, the more I believe it is true. Now my 11 year old daughter is

experiencing resentment towards her grandmother, she doesn't want to have much

to do with her. This breaks my heart. My mother has been fine to her, it is

how mom treats me that hurts my daughter. What has been other people's

experience with this? And any other advice for me just starting this journey

would be helpful.

>

> Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

I am a grand-daughter of a BPD. It's the EXACT same thing for me. As a kid I

watched her mistreat my mom. However my mom also is BPD, so she would only

complain about being a victim when I was a kid.

It caused me to cut off a relationship with my grandmother, but that's because

as an adult, I became afraid of how she would treat me. And sure enough, my

grandmother complains about me behind my back to the family (she just acts nice

to my face). I spend no time with her because I don't want to give her " ammo. "

I recommend sitting down with your daughter and explaining grandmother can't

help herself. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, her daughter. It's

just grandmother has a disability that the family accepts (but we never discuss

with grandmother).

But absolutely more important than anything else...YOU MUST SHOW YOUR DAUGHTER

that you value and stick up for yourself regardless of how your mom treats you.

The way you allow unhealthy people like your mother treat you will have a 100%

effect on how your daughter allows others to treat her (especially as an adult).

So the best thing you can do for your daughter...learn how to take care of

yourself around your mother. She must have a lot of power in your relationship

to make your daughter resent her.

So please learn to make boundaries (not out of spite of your mother but out of

love for yourself). Treat yourself how you want your daughter to treat herself

when dealing with emotionally manipulative people!

And talk respectfully of your mother to her. Complaining about your mother only

gives your mother more power over you. It'll teach your daughter she can be

compassionate to her grandmother and that you, the very definition of your

daughter's self-worth, should never let people mistreat you. Not to mention

your daughter will be proud of her strong and self-loving mom!

I hope this helps.

>

> I am just discovering that my mother may very well have bpd. The more I think

about it, the more I believe it is true. Now my 11 year old daughter is

experiencing resentment towards her grandmother, she doesn't want to have much

to do with her. This breaks my heart. My mother has been fine to her, it is

how mom treats me that hurts my daughter. What has been other people's

experience with this? And any other advice for me just starting this journey

would be helpful.

>

> Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

Doug- I am right there with you! I wish someone had rescued me from my nada

also. But worse than that, I wish I had gotten strong enough to stand up to my

nada before she offered the same mistreatment to my son. Gosh, I was lost,

fogged to death almost. Lost sight of myself surely. Gave my nada all the power,

even when she began to attack my son. I never once considered that she was

harming him- she had convinced me that he deserved how she was treating him. I

remember my son begging me to break off contact with her but I couldn't so he

did at age 17. It took me another six years to finally see the light and go NC.

My nada fogged me so badly I couldn't even see what she was doing. I was used to

being abused by her so I couldn't see how harmful she was to my son.

So yes, be very careful of grandchildren in the company of nada. My son had to

go through years of counseling to deal with it all....

>

>

> I m not as subtle, or as nice, as Annie. But we all know that.

>

> My take on it, both as a KO raised alone from 14 on by a shrieking,

> whining, crying, manipulative waif/hermit BP mom, and as a Dad of 4 kids

> and 4 grandkids, who had thier experiences with Grandnada is as follows.

>

> Never. Ever. Under any circumstances whatsoever. Not if it means life

> or death, not if it is the end of the world, not for a million dollars.

> Never leave any child , until they reach adulthood and can make their

> own decisions and defend themselves, with any BP, unless they have been

> in treatment and responded well, ( a rarity), and everyone has talked

> about things, and the child has a no questions asked escape hatch. One

> phone call and they are picked up at once. And even then I d be nervous.

>

> But for most of our Nadas, who are still full fledged Nadas, seriously,

> you know all the crap you were subjected to as a child? Now she has had

> decades to perfect her technique, and she will most certainly begin FOG

> on your child as soon as she is with her.

>

> She may be treating her as golden and you as black sheep now. But she is

> capable of turning on your innocent 11 yo daughter in an instant if she

> bucks her, or fails to feed her needs. And she may not like being the

> Golden child while watching you be the black sheep. Also, you say Nada

> has always treated her fine, but have there been times Nada and daughter

> were together outside your presence? I let my daughter spend a week

> with her Grandmother at about that age once. Once. She came home in

> tears and said never again.

>

> BP s do NOT have relationships with people. BP s have people that they

> use and manipulate to feed thier own extreme emotional needs.

>

> I would never let my BPD mother be with one of my children without me

> there to say , Mom, thats not right, fair, or whatever. Or to say, Mom,

> that s it, we are leaving.

>

> One of the cries of my heart is why didnt anyone see how crazy this

> woman was and rescue me. So, I have a very strong take on Nada and the

> grandkids. Only with you around. Period.

>

> Doug

>

[Guest guest]

Doug- I am right there with you! I wish someone had rescued me from my nada

also. But worse than that, I wish I had gotten strong enough to stand up to my

nada before she offered the same mistreatment to my son. Gosh, I was lost,

fogged to death almost. Lost sight of myself surely. Gave my nada all the power,

even when she began to attack my son. I never once considered that she was

harming him- she had convinced me that he deserved how she was treating him. I

remember my son begging me to break off contact with her but I couldn't so he

did at age 17. It took me another six years to finally see the light and go NC.

My nada fogged me so badly I couldn't even see what she was doing. I was used to

being abused by her so I couldn't see how harmful she was to my son.

So yes, be very careful of grandchildren in the company of nada. My son had to

go through years of counseling to deal with it all....

>

>

> I m not as subtle, or as nice, as Annie. But we all know that.

>

> My take on it, both as a KO raised alone from 14 on by a shrieking,

> whining, crying, manipulative waif/hermit BP mom, and as a Dad of 4 kids

> and 4 grandkids, who had thier experiences with Grandnada is as follows.

>

> Never. Ever. Under any circumstances whatsoever. Not if it means life

> or death, not if it is the end of the world, not for a million dollars.

> Never leave any child , until they reach adulthood and can make their

> own decisions and defend themselves, with any BP, unless they have been

> in treatment and responded well, ( a rarity), and everyone has talked

> about things, and the child has a no questions asked escape hatch. One

> phone call and they are picked up at once. And even then I d be nervous.

>

> But for most of our Nadas, who are still full fledged Nadas, seriously,

> you know all the crap you were subjected to as a child? Now she has had

> decades to perfect her technique, and she will most certainly begin FOG

> on your child as soon as she is with her.

>

> She may be treating her as golden and you as black sheep now. But she is

> capable of turning on your innocent 11 yo daughter in an instant if she

> bucks her, or fails to feed her needs. And she may not like being the

> Golden child while watching you be the black sheep. Also, you say Nada

> has always treated her fine, but have there been times Nada and daughter

> were together outside your presence? I let my daughter spend a week

> with her Grandmother at about that age once. Once. She came home in

> tears and said never again.

>

> BP s do NOT have relationships with people. BP s have people that they

> use and manipulate to feed thier own extreme emotional needs.

>

> I would never let my BPD mother be with one of my children without me

> there to say , Mom, thats not right, fair, or whatever. Or to say, Mom,

> that s it, we are leaving.

>

> One of the cries of my heart is why didnt anyone see how crazy this

> woman was and rescue me. So, I have a very strong take on Nada and the

> grandkids. Only with you around. Period.

>

> Doug

>

[Guest guest]

Doug- I am right there with you! I wish someone had rescued me from my nada

also. But worse than that, I wish I had gotten strong enough to stand up to my

nada before she offered the same mistreatment to my son. Gosh, I was lost,

fogged to death almost. Lost sight of myself surely. Gave my nada all the power,

even when she began to attack my son. I never once considered that she was

harming him- she had convinced me that he deserved how she was treating him. I

remember my son begging me to break off contact with her but I couldn't so he

did at age 17. It took me another six years to finally see the light and go NC.

My nada fogged me so badly I couldn't even see what she was doing. I was used to

being abused by her so I couldn't see how harmful she was to my son.

So yes, be very careful of grandchildren in the company of nada. My son had to

go through years of counseling to deal with it all....

>

>

> I m not as subtle, or as nice, as Annie. But we all know that.

>

> My take on it, both as a KO raised alone from 14 on by a shrieking,

> whining, crying, manipulative waif/hermit BP mom, and as a Dad of 4 kids

> and 4 grandkids, who had thier experiences with Grandnada is as follows.

>

> Never. Ever. Under any circumstances whatsoever. Not if it means life

> or death, not if it is the end of the world, not for a million dollars.

> Never leave any child , until they reach adulthood and can make their

> own decisions and defend themselves, with any BP, unless they have been

> in treatment and responded well, ( a rarity), and everyone has talked

> about things, and the child has a no questions asked escape hatch. One

> phone call and they are picked up at once. And even then I d be nervous.

>

> But for most of our Nadas, who are still full fledged Nadas, seriously,

> you know all the crap you were subjected to as a child? Now she has had

> decades to perfect her technique, and she will most certainly begin FOG

> on your child as soon as she is with her.

>

> She may be treating her as golden and you as black sheep now. But she is

> capable of turning on your innocent 11 yo daughter in an instant if she

> bucks her, or fails to feed her needs. And she may not like being the

> Golden child while watching you be the black sheep. Also, you say Nada

> has always treated her fine, but have there been times Nada and daughter

> were together outside your presence? I let my daughter spend a week

> with her Grandmother at about that age once. Once. She came home in

> tears and said never again.

>

> BP s do NOT have relationships with people. BP s have people that they

> use and manipulate to feed thier own extreme emotional needs.

>

> I would never let my BPD mother be with one of my children without me

> there to say , Mom, thats not right, fair, or whatever. Or to say, Mom,

> that s it, we are leaving.

>

> One of the cries of my heart is why didnt anyone see how crazy this

> woman was and rescue me. So, I have a very strong take on Nada and the

> grandkids. Only with you around. Period.

>

> Doug

>

[Guest guest]

Abusing a child's parent is a form of abusing the child. Children view their

parents as part of their own identity. Insulting or devaluing a child's parent

will cause him to feel insulted and devalued as well. Yelling or name-calling or

other forms of abuse, when done in a child's presence, is also abusive to the

child.

If your mother is mistreating you, then she's not really being fine to your

daughter. A lot of us want to believe that our parents can be good grandparents,

even if they were horrible parents to us. We want our children to have loving

grandparents, and try desperately to believe that our abusive parents are

capable of filling that role.

Your daughter doesn't like the way your mother treats you, and she doesn't want

to be around her. Listen to her, and respect her wishes. You can't make your

mother be someone she isn't, but you can honor who your child is.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Abusing a child's parent is a form of abusing the child. Children view their

parents as part of their own identity. Insulting or devaluing a child's parent

will cause him to feel insulted and devalued as well. Yelling or name-calling or

other forms of abuse, when done in a child's presence, is also abusive to the

child.

If your mother is mistreating you, then she's not really being fine to your

daughter. A lot of us want to believe that our parents can be good grandparents,

even if they were horrible parents to us. We want our children to have loving

grandparents, and try desperately to believe that our abusive parents are

capable of filling that role.

Your daughter doesn't like the way your mother treats you, and she doesn't want

to be around her. Listen to her, and respect her wishes. You can't make your

mother be someone she isn't, but you can honor who your child is.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Abusing a child's parent is a form of abusing the child. Children view their

parents as part of their own identity. Insulting or devaluing a child's parent

will cause him to feel insulted and devalued as well. Yelling or name-calling or

other forms of abuse, when done in a child's presence, is also abusive to the

child.

If your mother is mistreating you, then she's not really being fine to your

daughter. A lot of us want to believe that our parents can be good grandparents,

even if they were horrible parents to us. We want our children to have loving

grandparents, and try desperately to believe that our abusive parents are

capable of filling that role.

Your daughter doesn't like the way your mother treats you, and she doesn't want

to be around her. Listen to her, and respect her wishes. You can't make your

mother be someone she isn't, but you can honor who your child is.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Sveta nailed it. Great points!

[Guest guest]

Sveta nailed it. Great points!

[Guest guest]

Sveta nailed it. Great points!

[Guest guest]

Svaktshka has brought up an important and valid point that gets missed/minimized

sometimes: Yes, the child who witnesses the abuse of one family member by

another is being abused as well.

The minor child identifies with his or her parents, so watching mother or father

be mistreated/denigrated/shamed/harmed is harming to the child's own identity.

Watching siblings be abused can be equally horrific, frightening and even

desensitizing and dehumanizing, as well.

Making a child watch the abuse/disrespect/mistreatment of another is also an

indirect way of issuing a threat by demonstrating to the witness child: " If you

ever cross me/fail to please me/etc., I will direct my rage/contempt/bullying at

YOU. "

Thanks for bringing up that aspect of and repercussion of emotional or physical

abuse by a grandparent toward a parent, and how that impacts the grandchild who

witnesses it.

-Annie

>

> Abusing a child's parent is a form of abusing the child. Children view their

parents as part of their own identity. Insulting or devaluing a child's parent

will cause him to feel insulted and devalued as well. Yelling or name-calling or

other forms of abuse, when done in a child's presence, is also abusive to the

child.

>

> If your mother is mistreating you, then she's not really being fine to your

daughter. A lot of us want to believe that our parents can be good grandparents,

even if they were horrible parents to us. We want our children to have loving

grandparents, and try desperately to believe that our abusive parents are

capable of filling that role.

>

> Your daughter doesn't like the way your mother treats you, and she doesn't

want to be around her. Listen to her, and respect her wishes. You can't make

your mother be someone she isn't, but you can honor who your child is.

>

> Sveta

>

[Guest guest]

Svaktshka has brought up an important and valid point that gets missed/minimized

sometimes: Yes, the child who witnesses the abuse of one family member by

another is being abused as well.

The minor child identifies with his or her parents, so watching mother or father

be mistreated/denigrated/shamed/harmed is harming to the child's own identity.

Watching siblings be abused can be equally horrific, frightening and even

desensitizing and dehumanizing, as well.

Making a child watch the abuse/disrespect/mistreatment of another is also an

indirect way of issuing a threat by demonstrating to the witness child: " If you

ever cross me/fail to please me/etc., I will direct my rage/contempt/bullying at

YOU. "

Thanks for bringing up that aspect of and repercussion of emotional or physical

abuse by a grandparent toward a parent, and how that impacts the grandchild who

witnesses it.

-Annie

>

> Abusing a child's parent is a form of abusing the child. Children view their

parents as part of their own identity. Insulting or devaluing a child's parent

will cause him to feel insulted and devalued as well. Yelling or name-calling or

other forms of abuse, when done in a child's presence, is also abusive to the

child.

>

> If your mother is mistreating you, then she's not really being fine to your

daughter. A lot of us want to believe that our parents can be good grandparents,

even if they were horrible parents to us. We want our children to have loving

grandparents, and try desperately to believe that our abusive parents are

capable of filling that role.

>

> Your daughter doesn't like the way your mother treats you, and she doesn't

want to be around her. Listen to her, and respect her wishes. You can't make

your mother be someone she isn't, but you can honor who your child is.

>

> Sveta

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I am just discovering that my mother may very well have bpd. The more I think

about it, the more I believe it is true. Now my 11 year old daughter is

experiencing resentment towards her grandmother, she doesn't want to have much

to do with her. This breaks my heart. My mother has been fine to her, it is

how mom treats me that hurts my daughter. What has been other people's

experience with this? And any other advice for me just starting this journey

would be helpful.

>

> Thank you.

>

This is my first post here and your post jumped out at me. My children are 20,

16 and 13. I'm fairly sure my father is a hermit with a touch of queen.

Unfortunately my solution to have a relationship with my family was to move 1000

miles away and see them only when I want to. Next vacation I won;t even stay in

their house because my Dad's tantrums are more damaging to my children if we

can't just get up and leave for the hotel. My oldest refuses to visit them any

more. He's tired of the insults disguised at compliments and helpful criticism.

I think that if you really want your mother and daughter to have contact, the

only way is to find activities that they both enjoy and make the time very

short. In my case Son joined the army and Dad is finally proud of him because

he respects that, but it's too late. Son knows that Dad's respect is

conditional.