Guest guest Posted May 22, 2012 Report Share Posted May 22, 2012 If we shouldn't tell the other person they may have BPD and they should seek help, then how do you respond to them saying " I don't know how this all got out of hand? " . Ummm...because you over-reacted! What am I supposed to say? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2012 Report Share Posted May 22, 2012 We can suggest seeking help without making a diagnosis. " If you are unhappy with your relationships, it might be helpful to talk with a professional about it. " " If you feel things have gotten out of hand, therapists can be really helpful in figuring out what you can do to improve things. " " If you feel worthless, I'll bet talking with a counselor could help. " etc. Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2012 Report Share Posted May 22, 2012 We can suggest seeking help without making a diagnosis. " If you are unhappy with your relationships, it might be helpful to talk with a professional about it. " " If you feel things have gotten out of hand, therapists can be really helpful in figuring out what you can do to improve things. " " If you feel worthless, I'll bet talking with a counselor could help. " etc. Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2012 Report Share Posted May 22, 2012 We can suggest seeking help without making a diagnosis. " If you are unhappy with your relationships, it might be helpful to talk with a professional about it. " " If you feel things have gotten out of hand, therapists can be really helpful in figuring out what you can do to improve things. " " If you feel worthless, I'll bet talking with a counselor could help. " etc. Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 I suggested a therapist to my nada once (so very, very gently). Her response was to threaten to disown me. I don't want to sound negative here.... .......but whatever you need to say to her, just say it. Just don't expect that there is a *magic* way of phrasing it that will *guarantee* she won't flip her lid. What I wish I'd understood earlier is that her reaction to me is her problem, not mine. And no matter how hard I tried, I never reached a point where I could keep her from flipping out. That is just what she does. Deanna > > > > We can suggest seeking help without making a diagnosis. > > > > " If you are unhappy with your relationships, it might be helpful to talk with a professional about it. " > > > > " If you feel things have gotten out of hand, therapists can be really helpful in figuring out what you can do to improve things. " > > > > " If you feel worthless, I'll bet talking with a counselor could help. " > > > > etc. > > > > Sveta > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 I suggested a therapist to my nada once (so very, very gently). Her response was to threaten to disown me. I don't want to sound negative here.... .......but whatever you need to say to her, just say it. Just don't expect that there is a *magic* way of phrasing it that will *guarantee* she won't flip her lid. What I wish I'd understood earlier is that her reaction to me is her problem, not mine. And no matter how hard I tried, I never reached a point where I could keep her from flipping out. That is just what she does. Deanna > > > > We can suggest seeking help without making a diagnosis. > > > > " If you are unhappy with your relationships, it might be helpful to talk with a professional about it. " > > > > " If you feel things have gotten out of hand, therapists can be really helpful in figuring out what you can do to improve things. " > > > > " If you feel worthless, I'll bet talking with a counselor could help. " > > > > etc. > > > > Sveta > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 I will add that it probably isn't a great idea to just tell someone out-of-nowhere that they need help. Better to listen to the problems they already acknowledge (someone is destroying their family, they feel like they should just kill themselves, no one ever does enough for them), and use those things to redirect the responsibility for fixing the problem back onto them. When they are making these complaints to us, it is because they want to manipulate us into regulating their feelings for them. That's not our job. If they need help with that (they do), they need to consult a professional. Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 I'm actually more curious about what you're feeling when you want to respond. It sounds like you've got a subtle urge to " fix them. " Which is normal since relationships with BPDs usually make us feel that way! But unless a BPD person has a mild case, it's extremely rare for them to ever recover through counseling. They're notoriously known by therapists as the most difficult to work with of all disorders. Because the basis of the borderline disorder is DENIAL. It can take months or years of regular, weekly therapy before a BPD even realizes they're the main source of their problems. They usually only go for help to figure out what's wrong with other people! So my fear is whatever you say in an attempt to " help " them will only create for you more frustration or disappointment. And YOU living at peace is more of my concern. I spent a long time in therapy dealing with my mom's BPD. I finally learned to just accept she is functioning-yet-mentally-ill. So I try to resist my urges to fix her by not getting into emotionally charged conversations. So when my mom makes those " I don't know how this all got out of hand? " I either remain silent, say " sounds like you're frustrated " and just let her vent, or say " hmmm " and then suddenly excuse myself from the room (or the house...because I'm just TOO tempted to engage her and know it'll only make me feel worse in the end). It sucks but I hope this helps. > > If we shouldn't tell the other person they may have BPD and they should seek help, then how do you respond to them saying " I don't know how this all got out of hand? " . Ummm...because you over-reacted! What am I supposed to say? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 I'm actually more curious about what you're feeling when you want to respond. It sounds like you've got a subtle urge to " fix them. " Which is normal since relationships with BPDs usually make us feel that way! But unless a BPD person has a mild case, it's extremely rare for them to ever recover through counseling. They're notoriously known by therapists as the most difficult to work with of all disorders. Because the basis of the borderline disorder is DENIAL. It can take months or years of regular, weekly therapy before a BPD even realizes they're the main source of their problems. They usually only go for help to figure out what's wrong with other people! So my fear is whatever you say in an attempt to " help " them will only create for you more frustration or disappointment. And YOU living at peace is more of my concern. I spent a long time in therapy dealing with my mom's BPD. I finally learned to just accept she is functioning-yet-mentally-ill. So I try to resist my urges to fix her by not getting into emotionally charged conversations. So when my mom makes those " I don't know how this all got out of hand? " I either remain silent, say " sounds like you're frustrated " and just let her vent, or say " hmmm " and then suddenly excuse myself from the room (or the house...because I'm just TOO tempted to engage her and know it'll only make me feel worse in the end). It sucks but I hope this helps. > > If we shouldn't tell the other person they may have BPD and they should seek help, then how do you respond to them saying " I don't know how this all got out of hand? " . Ummm...because you over-reacted! What am I supposed to say? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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