Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 I'm so sorry you had to experience this tragedy; you and your family. The suicide rate for those with borderline pd is high, due to (if I'm remembering what I've read, accurately) their extreme and rapid mood swings, black-and-white thinking, high impulsivity and tendency to self-harm. I hope that you and your family will not torture yourselves with misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility for your bpd mother's feelings or her decision to end her life. You didn't make your mother the way she was, you couldn't control her disordered thoughts and feelings or behaviors, and nothing you could possibly have said or done could have cured her. Your mother was the only one who could have decided to seek help for herself, but it sounds like she chose not to. My condolences to you and your family. -Annie > > Hello Everyone. > My mother was never 'officially' diagnosed with BPD but my psychotherapist (and the rest of my family) believes BPD is what she had. My mother also had sexual abuse, physical abuse, severe depression, ocd, anxiety, binge eating disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. Sadly, she committed suicide at the end of April...just a few weeks ago. I am really struggling to understand " WHY " ? Does anyone have any experience dealing with the suicide of a parent with BPD? If so I would love to hear about your experiences and what brought you to a place of peace and understanding. Thank you. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 I'm so sorry you had to experience this tragedy; you and your family. The suicide rate for those with borderline pd is high, due to (if I'm remembering what I've read, accurately) their extreme and rapid mood swings, black-and-white thinking, high impulsivity and tendency to self-harm. I hope that you and your family will not torture yourselves with misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility for your bpd mother's feelings or her decision to end her life. You didn't make your mother the way she was, you couldn't control her disordered thoughts and feelings or behaviors, and nothing you could possibly have said or done could have cured her. Your mother was the only one who could have decided to seek help for herself, but it sounds like she chose not to. My condolences to you and your family. -Annie > > Hello Everyone. > My mother was never 'officially' diagnosed with BPD but my psychotherapist (and the rest of my family) believes BPD is what she had. My mother also had sexual abuse, physical abuse, severe depression, ocd, anxiety, binge eating disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. Sadly, she committed suicide at the end of April...just a few weeks ago. I am really struggling to understand " WHY " ? Does anyone have any experience dealing with the suicide of a parent with BPD? If so I would love to hear about your experiences and what brought you to a place of peace and understanding. Thank you. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 Thank you Annie, My Mother actually was seeing a psychiatrist but a few months ago she told all of us that she was 'OK' and 'Doing Better' and that she didn't need to see a Dr. anymore. We also believe she stopped taking her medicine. Out of the 30 cymbalta (which was filled March 16) she had 21 of 30 pills left. She did the 'tag your it' dilemma a lot. Each of her children at some point were lightening rods. At the end of her life she took out all of her grief on my father. She said that 'He was the reason she was so uphappy for all of these years'...she also came out and told us that her father had sexually abused her. Her moods were very irratic and she didn't have a filter and would just say whatever she wanted to. I keep feeling guilty thinking that I could have changed the circumstances but I know that is not thinking rationally. Are their any good books to help me deal with a BPD's suicide? Any other helpful suggestions? Thanks! > > > > Hello Everyone. > > My mother was never 'officially' diagnosed with BPD but my psychotherapist (and the rest of my family) believes BPD is what she had. My mother also had sexual abuse, physical abuse, severe depression, ocd, anxiety, binge eating disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. Sadly, she committed suicide at the end of April...just a few weeks ago. I am really struggling to understand " WHY " ? Does anyone have any experience dealing with the suicide of a parent with BPD? If so I would love to hear about your experiences and what brought you to a place of peace and understanding. Thank you. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 Thank you Annie, My Mother actually was seeing a psychiatrist but a few months ago she told all of us that she was 'OK' and 'Doing Better' and that she didn't need to see a Dr. anymore. We also believe she stopped taking her medicine. Out of the 30 cymbalta (which was filled March 16) she had 21 of 30 pills left. She did the 'tag your it' dilemma a lot. Each of her children at some point were lightening rods. At the end of her life she took out all of her grief on my father. She said that 'He was the reason she was so uphappy for all of these years'...she also came out and told us that her father had sexually abused her. Her moods were very irratic and she didn't have a filter and would just say whatever she wanted to. I keep feeling guilty thinking that I could have changed the circumstances but I know that is not thinking rationally. Are their any good books to help me deal with a BPD's suicide? Any other helpful suggestions? Thanks! > > > > Hello Everyone. > > My mother was never 'officially' diagnosed with BPD but my psychotherapist (and the rest of my family) believes BPD is what she had. My mother also had sexual abuse, physical abuse, severe depression, ocd, anxiety, binge eating disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. Sadly, she committed suicide at the end of April...just a few weeks ago. I am really struggling to understand " WHY " ? Does anyone have any experience dealing with the suicide of a parent with BPD? If so I would love to hear about your experiences and what brought you to a place of peace and understanding. Thank you. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 Thank you Annie, My Mother actually was seeing a psychiatrist but a few months ago she told all of us that she was 'OK' and 'Doing Better' and that she didn't need to see a Dr. anymore. We also believe she stopped taking her medicine. Out of the 30 cymbalta (which was filled March 16) she had 21 of 30 pills left. She did the 'tag your it' dilemma a lot. Each of her children at some point were lightening rods. At the end of her life she took out all of her grief on my father. She said that 'He was the reason she was so uphappy for all of these years'...she also came out and told us that her father had sexually abused her. Her moods were very irratic and she didn't have a filter and would just say whatever she wanted to. I keep feeling guilty thinking that I could have changed the circumstances but I know that is not thinking rationally. Are their any good books to help me deal with a BPD's suicide? Any other helpful suggestions? Thanks! > > > > Hello Everyone. > > My mother was never 'officially' diagnosed with BPD but my psychotherapist (and the rest of my family) believes BPD is what she had. My mother also had sexual abuse, physical abuse, severe depression, ocd, anxiety, binge eating disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. Sadly, she committed suicide at the end of April...just a few weeks ago. I am really struggling to understand " WHY " ? Does anyone have any experience dealing with the suicide of a parent with BPD? If so I would love to hear about your experiences and what brought you to a place of peace and understanding. Thank you. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 I'm so sorry you had to go through that type of situation. I have a strong feeling that my grandmother may have had BPD. She was always good to me, but when I look back at things that happened as akid, and listen to my dad tell me more about her, I think she may have been BPD. She comitted suicide when I was 11. I never did understand why, still don't. I guess she used to threaten it a lot. Seems to me now that it was a way to get attention from my dad, like she didn't want to let go of her son to adulthood & real life or something. She spent several stents in mental hospitals over the years. (These are things I did not know about until I was an adult.) My memories of grandma are good ones. She was always happy & so loving when I was around. She may have been BPD, but I also know she loved me. And I loved her. I wish she could have gotten through her demons, but sadly, she could not. I do miss her a lot. Again, I am sorry for your loss & your many questions. I think we all question death of loved ones, especially with something so sudden & tragic. I lost the woman I consider my real mom last month too. Very sudden (though not suicide), we had no reason to think she would die. She was my step mom, and she was amazing. I sure do feel for you, it's so hard. Try to remember though, when it comes to people with personality disorders, we can't save them from anything, not even themselves. Do not blame yourself because this was her choice. I don't mean to sound cruel because that's not my intent. But it is NOT your fault. Not anyone's fault. Hope you know that. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 I'm so sorry you had to go through that type of situation. I have a strong feeling that my grandmother may have had BPD. She was always good to me, but when I look back at things that happened as akid, and listen to my dad tell me more about her, I think she may have been BPD. She comitted suicide when I was 11. I never did understand why, still don't. I guess she used to threaten it a lot. Seems to me now that it was a way to get attention from my dad, like she didn't want to let go of her son to adulthood & real life or something. She spent several stents in mental hospitals over the years. (These are things I did not know about until I was an adult.) My memories of grandma are good ones. She was always happy & so loving when I was around. She may have been BPD, but I also know she loved me. And I loved her. I wish she could have gotten through her demons, but sadly, she could not. I do miss her a lot. Again, I am sorry for your loss & your many questions. I think we all question death of loved ones, especially with something so sudden & tragic. I lost the woman I consider my real mom last month too. Very sudden (though not suicide), we had no reason to think she would die. She was my step mom, and she was amazing. I sure do feel for you, it's so hard. Try to remember though, when it comes to people with personality disorders, we can't save them from anything, not even themselves. Do not blame yourself because this was her choice. I don't mean to sound cruel because that's not my intent. But it is NOT your fault. Not anyone's fault. Hope you know that. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 I'm so sorry you had to go through that type of situation. I have a strong feeling that my grandmother may have had BPD. She was always good to me, but when I look back at things that happened as akid, and listen to my dad tell me more about her, I think she may have been BPD. She comitted suicide when I was 11. I never did understand why, still don't. I guess she used to threaten it a lot. Seems to me now that it was a way to get attention from my dad, like she didn't want to let go of her son to adulthood & real life or something. She spent several stents in mental hospitals over the years. (These are things I did not know about until I was an adult.) My memories of grandma are good ones. She was always happy & so loving when I was around. She may have been BPD, but I also know she loved me. And I loved her. I wish she could have gotten through her demons, but sadly, she could not. I do miss her a lot. Again, I am sorry for your loss & your many questions. I think we all question death of loved ones, especially with something so sudden & tragic. I lost the woman I consider my real mom last month too. Very sudden (though not suicide), we had no reason to think she would die. She was my step mom, and she was amazing. I sure do feel for you, it's so hard. Try to remember though, when it comes to people with personality disorders, we can't save them from anything, not even themselves. Do not blame yourself because this was her choice. I don't mean to sound cruel because that's not my intent. But it is NOT your fault. Not anyone's fault. Hope you know that. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 I am deeply sorry for your terrible loss, and that this tragedy has that been visited on you and your family, I wish I had some deep, healing words of wisdom and knowledge, that would make sense of this terrible, discompassionate, mind numbing act, and bring some understanding, peace and ease to your heart and mind. I wish these things for you and your family, and will hold all of you in my mind, and heart, in light and peace. I have not had a BPD member successfully commit suicide, but this person has made several attempts. It left me with so many questions and such terrible pain, grief, and guilt. It seems to me, that BPDs are in such constant internal wrangles with emotions. Some real, some unreal, their own emotions, and those belonging to other people, as well as fantasies, and, as-if-might-be emotions, that they project onto others. Sometimes they become so overwhelmed with the drama of this emotional theater, that they don't think consequences of their actions thru clearly. In addition to this, my Bpd family member also has a strong impulse to 'get even,' or seek revenge for perceived slights, again, both real and unreal, and this too plays a role in the suicidal acting out of some bpds. BPDs have such odd, unrealistic, and stubbornly perverse experiences and expectations of the world, themselves, and everyone around them. They are so profoundly aggrieved and insulted when their expectations are challenged, thwarted or unmet. Events and experiences that most of us perceive as inconsequential, or nominal, become major issues in the mind of the BPD. I never knew, for sure, if the extreme behaviors of the BPD in my life, were calculated, or just out of control behavior. My T helped me understand that it didn't really matter what this persons intentions were, the results are devestating. The suicide of a loved one dis-orders our internal lives, our minds, our hearts. It changes how we percieve our past, numbs our present, and forever changes our futures. Suicide mangles the reality of those who are left behind. Every holiday hurts. When faced with unresolved questions regarding the death of a someone whom I love, the only thing I could do, was dig in my backyard. It wasn't really gardening, although eventually I planted things, but I needed to exhaust both my mind and body. Another friend runs, another volunteered to polish pews weekly at the church down the street. When we are so badly hurt, our bodies keep dumping 'emergency resolution' chemicals into our brain similiar to fight or flight hormones, but all the chemestry associated with shock and profound grief are kicking in, too. Anything physical that you can do, will help. I garden, some people walk, or run - it doesn't have to be anything special - anything at all will help to clear your system, and help you sleep a little better, if thats a problem. Physical activity also helps to clear your feelings and your head. I kicked cardboard boxes, from one end of my studio, to the other, for almost six months after the death of my father. Sometimes I still do. What I do know, is, that if someone is genuinely determined to end their life, there is absolutely nothing anyone could do to stop them. No matter how much we love them, no matter how vigilant we are, if they are determined to play out this terrible role to its conclusion, they are going to do it. BPDs make notoriously bad decisions, when they are in the throes of their disorder. I don't believe there was anything that you could have done to alter, prevent, or stop her, if this act help a perversely positive emotional charge for her... I am so sorry that you are going through this. May strength, and peace rise up around you, like a shield, like a light, to protect you and your family, and bring you through this time of grief and uncertainty. Sunspot: > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 I am deeply sorry for your terrible loss, and that this tragedy has that been visited on you and your family, I wish I had some deep, healing words of wisdom and knowledge, that would make sense of this terrible, discompassionate, mind numbing act, and bring some understanding, peace and ease to your heart and mind. I wish these things for you and your family, and will hold all of you in my mind, and heart, in light and peace. I have not had a BPD member successfully commit suicide, but this person has made several attempts. It left me with so many questions and such terrible pain, grief, and guilt. It seems to me, that BPDs are in such constant internal wrangles with emotions. Some real, some unreal, their own emotions, and those belonging to other people, as well as fantasies, and, as-if-might-be emotions, that they project onto others. Sometimes they become so overwhelmed with the drama of this emotional theater, that they don't think consequences of their actions thru clearly. In addition to this, my Bpd family member also has a strong impulse to 'get even,' or seek revenge for perceived slights, again, both real and unreal, and this too plays a role in the suicidal acting out of some bpds. BPDs have such odd, unrealistic, and stubbornly perverse experiences and expectations of the world, themselves, and everyone around them. They are so profoundly aggrieved and insulted when their expectations are challenged, thwarted or unmet. Events and experiences that most of us perceive as inconsequential, or nominal, become major issues in the mind of the BPD. I never knew, for sure, if the extreme behaviors of the BPD in my life, were calculated, or just out of control behavior. My T helped me understand that it didn't really matter what this persons intentions were, the results are devestating. The suicide of a loved one dis-orders our internal lives, our minds, our hearts. It changes how we percieve our past, numbs our present, and forever changes our futures. Suicide mangles the reality of those who are left behind. Every holiday hurts. When faced with unresolved questions regarding the death of a someone whom I love, the only thing I could do, was dig in my backyard. It wasn't really gardening, although eventually I planted things, but I needed to exhaust both my mind and body. Another friend runs, another volunteered to polish pews weekly at the church down the street. When we are so badly hurt, our bodies keep dumping 'emergency resolution' chemicals into our brain similiar to fight or flight hormones, but all the chemestry associated with shock and profound grief are kicking in, too. Anything physical that you can do, will help. I garden, some people walk, or run - it doesn't have to be anything special - anything at all will help to clear your system, and help you sleep a little better, if thats a problem. Physical activity also helps to clear your feelings and your head. I kicked cardboard boxes, from one end of my studio, to the other, for almost six months after the death of my father. Sometimes I still do. What I do know, is, that if someone is genuinely determined to end their life, there is absolutely nothing anyone could do to stop them. No matter how much we love them, no matter how vigilant we are, if they are determined to play out this terrible role to its conclusion, they are going to do it. BPDs make notoriously bad decisions, when they are in the throes of their disorder. I don't believe there was anything that you could have done to alter, prevent, or stop her, if this act help a perversely positive emotional charge for her... I am so sorry that you are going through this. May strength, and peace rise up around you, like a shield, like a light, to protect you and your family, and bring you through this time of grief and uncertainty. Sunspot: > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 I am deeply sorry for your terrible loss, and that this tragedy has that been visited on you and your family, I wish I had some deep, healing words of wisdom and knowledge, that would make sense of this terrible, discompassionate, mind numbing act, and bring some understanding, peace and ease to your heart and mind. I wish these things for you and your family, and will hold all of you in my mind, and heart, in light and peace. I have not had a BPD member successfully commit suicide, but this person has made several attempts. It left me with so many questions and such terrible pain, grief, and guilt. It seems to me, that BPDs are in such constant internal wrangles with emotions. Some real, some unreal, their own emotions, and those belonging to other people, as well as fantasies, and, as-if-might-be emotions, that they project onto others. Sometimes they become so overwhelmed with the drama of this emotional theater, that they don't think consequences of their actions thru clearly. In addition to this, my Bpd family member also has a strong impulse to 'get even,' or seek revenge for perceived slights, again, both real and unreal, and this too plays a role in the suicidal acting out of some bpds. BPDs have such odd, unrealistic, and stubbornly perverse experiences and expectations of the world, themselves, and everyone around them. They are so profoundly aggrieved and insulted when their expectations are challenged, thwarted or unmet. Events and experiences that most of us perceive as inconsequential, or nominal, become major issues in the mind of the BPD. I never knew, for sure, if the extreme behaviors of the BPD in my life, were calculated, or just out of control behavior. My T helped me understand that it didn't really matter what this persons intentions were, the results are devestating. The suicide of a loved one dis-orders our internal lives, our minds, our hearts. It changes how we percieve our past, numbs our present, and forever changes our futures. Suicide mangles the reality of those who are left behind. Every holiday hurts. When faced with unresolved questions regarding the death of a someone whom I love, the only thing I could do, was dig in my backyard. It wasn't really gardening, although eventually I planted things, but I needed to exhaust both my mind and body. Another friend runs, another volunteered to polish pews weekly at the church down the street. When we are so badly hurt, our bodies keep dumping 'emergency resolution' chemicals into our brain similiar to fight or flight hormones, but all the chemestry associated with shock and profound grief are kicking in, too. Anything physical that you can do, will help. I garden, some people walk, or run - it doesn't have to be anything special - anything at all will help to clear your system, and help you sleep a little better, if thats a problem. Physical activity also helps to clear your feelings and your head. I kicked cardboard boxes, from one end of my studio, to the other, for almost six months after the death of my father. Sometimes I still do. What I do know, is, that if someone is genuinely determined to end their life, there is absolutely nothing anyone could do to stop them. No matter how much we love them, no matter how vigilant we are, if they are determined to play out this terrible role to its conclusion, they are going to do it. BPDs make notoriously bad decisions, when they are in the throes of their disorder. I don't believe there was anything that you could have done to alter, prevent, or stop her, if this act help a perversely positive emotional charge for her... I am so sorry that you are going through this. May strength, and peace rise up around you, like a shield, like a light, to protect you and your family, and bring you through this time of grief and uncertainty. Sunspot: > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 1, 2012 Report Share Posted June 1, 2012 Thank you for everyone's messages. I have been seeing a psychologist once a week the past few weeks and have been to one suicide survivors group at hospice. I am doing a bit better...but it is still a roller coaster of emotions. I am just trying to get on with doing my everyday tasks and I try not to dwell on it. I have a lot of healing and processing to go through...I hope no one on this board ever has to go through the loss of a loved one due to suicide. Sure, dealing with someone with BPD is unbelievably hard--and I would be lying if I didn't say in some ways that my Mother's death was a relief--but I would have dealt with ANYTHING to still have her here with me today. I am grateful for a wonderful church--I find such comfort from knowing that I WILL see my Mother again when I pass from this life to the next. Hold your loved ones extra close tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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