Propaganda - character assasination - long post

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry this is so long. Please forgive my generic term of " BPD, " and

" his/her, " for the person to whom I am referring.

I don't even know where or how to begin, this is all such an ugly,

convoluted mess. Please forgive me if this seems disjointed.

One of the hardest parts of living with a bpd care-giver, was the erratic

nature of the disorder. When my bpd caregiver was in the throes of the

disorder, they seemed to feel justified saying and doing things, that seemed to

me, really awful, cruel, and scary. These horrible times were interspersed

between periods of relative normalcy.

My other care-giver explained to me that these things were done out of fear,

misunderstanding, and sickness, not because the BPD hated me, or any of us, or

was a bad person. That being said . . . .

From the time I was a little, little child, I sometimes witnessed my bpd

caregiver act-out in ways that scared or confused me. By the time I was old

enough to really tell anyone, clearly, or voice dissension, my BPD caregiver had

already destroyed my credibility, by labeling me " hypersensitive,

over-imaginative, spoiled, physically and emotionally fragile, etc. " plus, I was

afraid of BPD,

physically.

BPD would receive huge bonus millage points from friends and acquaintances,

for so openly and honestly " confessing " to having to care for a difficult,

emotionally unstable child, deal with errant spouse, etc. Juicy, naughty little

secrets carefully crafted and shared, to snare the imagination, admiration,

(for-bravery-and-honesty,)compassion, and sympathy of his/her audience. Even if

BPD had to invent the truth. Maybe especially if BPD got to invent the truth.

In a strange, confusing way, I became the externalized version of my BPD

caregivers conscience, to whom BPD caregiver had to confess, placate, and

destroy.

My BPD caregiver has a long, long history of acting out in vengeful, sneaky

ways, while superficially appearing to be the epitome of kindness and compassion

to other people.

BPD also has a history of committing portions of these acts in my presence,

without my understanding or suspecting what BPD was actually doing, or

comprehending that these actions may effect someones elses' life in potentially

horrible ways.

BPD may, later, confess/brag about the total effects of his/her actions to

me, and flaunt the truth about his/her motives and behaviors in my face, and

justify their actions by insisting it was for the other persons " own good. "

I am left scared stupid, sick-at-heart, and feeling guilty by association,

because I was present for part of the act, and, feel that it is implied that

no-one would believe that I wasn't involved, or knowledgeable about the whole

thing.

After making these nightmare " confessions, " to me, BPD would become afraid I

might tell someone, and would launch a full-fledged assault on my character and

credibility. Cruel, vicious, ugly, untrue stories regarding my health, mental

stability, honesty, sexual conduct etc., are spread to a carefully selected and

primed audience. Very few people believe that someones own care giver would lie

about them in such ugly and vicious ways. It makes me heartsick.

BPD has broken up engagements, interfered in marriages, interfered with jobs,

and done some things I can't ever, ever, talk about outside of therapy. BPD has

confessed to impersonating me on the phone, interfered with my medical

treatment, etc.

One of the major gas-light tricks BPD would play, was to also sometimes confess

to me, things he/she HADN'T done, or things that they swore they had observed

others do, that may or may not have happened, in order to " test " me, to see if I

would tell the other person involved.

These might be inconsequential little everyday things, such as having bought or

not bought something from the grocery store, making or breaking a minor

agreement, etc., or that indicated selfish, or self-centered, or untrustworthy

behaviors in the other person, OR, major, awful things, such as saying some-one

intentionally ran over a kitten.

If confronted later about having said these things, BPD swears most

convincingly-to-heaven they never did or would have said any such thing. I

could never tell if this was dissociation, or outright lie.

Although BPD claims to be dissociative, when it suits him/her, when it doesn't,

he/she screams to high heaven he/she is not and never has been dissociative.

BPD actively worked to destroy family members trust in each other, by telling

each of us, that the others had betrayed confidences, gossiped or said ugly

things about them.

Over the years the manifestations of the disorder seemed to wax and wane - I

kept believing that BPD would get better - BPD was in therapy for years -

they're supposed to get better. . . I believe BPD tried to get better, but for

reasons I can only guess at, eventually things became exponentially worse. BPD

just got better at covering their own bad-behavior.

I can't sort out what was BPDs bpd response to triggering life events, and

what were events created by BPD. It wasn't only negative events that triggered

BPDs, bpd behavior, it could also be something that should have been joyful,

such as weddings. Bpd seemed to be obsessed with the fear that other people

thought they were somehow " better than he/she is. "

We have been in an extended period of NC.

I have received a call from an old friend, who called to see if I was alright,

having heard I was seriously, seriously ill(?) they had heard some really awful

stories - thru BPD, - that I have brain tumors due to a rare reaction to

chemotherapy, ---- NOT TRUE----- (I have had a recurring cancer,( but not brain

cancer) off and on for some years, but am in remission,) that BPD and my spouse

are in almost daily communication - behind my back of course, that BPD gets my

medical info., on the sly, thru a medical facility thru which he/she has

contacts, that I don't know the truth about my condition, AND, that because of

my condition, I have become paranoid,(what,again?)and that I am telling lies

about BPD. NONE OF THIS IS TRUE.

Evidently, BPD has been telling other family members this crock-o-crap too.

Arguing to prove ones own sanity, or health, is a no win battle - much like the

old " have you quit beating your wife yet? " joke. It is made more complex,

because it was one of my own childhood caregivers making the accusations. " Why

would your own ---- say such things about you if they weren't true . . .? "

It is really confusing, and scary to me, that BPD is bestowing me, once again,

with their " crown-of-conscience, " and casting doubt on my sanity, even though I

am no longer in their life. Why in the world would they do such a thing? Why

can't they just leave me alone to heal?

I know there is nothing that can be done about any of this, but its so

scary, and hurts so much, and brings back all the old childhood fears.

After all the loss, struggle, and grief of the last few years - we have had

several major illnesses and losses within our tiny nuclear family - my spouse

and I just want to be left alone. There is no energy left for conflict.

Why can't this person just leave me alone?

All of this just drives home to me, the fact that I have never, ever been a

real person in their eyes, just a source on which to feed.

!YUM! - Baby - the other white meat!

Tired, Cold, Dim, and Scared Stupid. Sunspot

[Guest guest]

Oh, Sunspot; what you have had to endure, and what you are still enduring from

your bpd caregiver is so horrific it would have broken me; broken my mind. What

an amazing survivor you are. Holy. Freaking. Cow.

My own personal opinion is that your bpd caregiver has more than " just " bpd, as

though that's not tragic enough in and of itself. My guess is that your bpdc

also has galloping, stampeding psychopathy. In Lawson's terminology, this

combination of bpd and psychopathy is " The Witch " . Yes, kids, sometimes there

actually is a monster behind the door, and sometimes it comes to tuck you into

bed at night before giving you nightmares.

In a way, your bpdc was/is behaving in the same way as a childcare-giver who

commits Munchausen's-by-proxy. (Its almost exclusively the mother who evidences

that disorder.) Such a person causes her child to become ill or injured, so that

the mother can then bask in the attention and sympathy of medical professionals.

These individuals are deeply, deeply mentally ill and extremely dangerous to

their own children, and should not even be left alone with the children, let

alone raise them.

Your case with your bpdc isn't exactly like Munchausen's-by-proxy, but, its

almost like a variant of it.

I hope that you and your husband will find ways to distance yourselves even

further from such focused and relentless toxicity, find ways to protect

yourselves even if it means hiring a lawyer and bringing a libel or slander

suit, or getting a restraining order or something.

Such injustice riles me up and makes me want to fight back, although I

understand that in such a case as this its extremely difficult if not impossible

to fight decades of innuendo and character assassination from one's own bpdc.

All I can do is send you virtual hugs of support and let you know how brave and

resilient I think you are.

The way the authorities catch Munchausen-b- proxy mothers is to videotape them

interacting with their child in the hospital room, without the mother knowing

it. They actually record the mother doing things like deliberately breaking her

child's bones or smothering her child to unconsciousness, or introducing feces

or other material into the child's IV, etc. The covert videotaping is highly

controversial (the instance I am referring to of mass recording of suspects

happened in Great Britain) but it has resulted in saving dozens of children from

further torture and even death at the hands of their own mother.

If you had records: videos, audiotape, or written accounts of witnesses of the

calumny and lies that your bpdc has spread around about you over the years,

you'd have a whopping amount of material for a successful libel/slander suit,

seems to me.

But that's just another of my fantasies of justice being served, in an instance

where that's pretty much impossible.

Hugs, anyway.

-Annie

>

>

> I'm sorry this is so long. Please forgive my generic term of " BPD, " and

" his/her, " for the person to whom I am referring.

>

> I don't even know where or how to begin, this is all such an ugly,

convoluted mess. Please forgive me if this seems disjointed.

>

> One of the hardest parts of living with a bpd care-giver, was the erratic

nature of the disorder. When my bpd caregiver was in the throes of the

disorder, they seemed to feel justified saying and doing things, that seemed to

me, really awful, cruel, and scary. These horrible times were interspersed

between periods of relative normalcy.

>

> My other care-giver explained to me that these things were done out of fear,

misunderstanding, and sickness, not because the BPD hated me, or any of us, or

was a bad person. That being said . . . .

>

> From the time I was a little, little child, I sometimes witnessed my bpd

caregiver act-out in ways that scared or confused me. By the time I was old

enough to really tell anyone, clearly, or voice dissension, my BPD caregiver had

already destroyed my credibility, by labeling me " hypersensitive,

over-imaginative, spoiled, physically and emotionally fragile, etc. " plus, I was

afraid of BPD,

> physically.

*** (edited for length)