Dysfunctional grieving?

May 27, 2012

This is not entirely related to being a KO, but need some input please.

As some of you probably know, my step mom aka my real mom passed away

last months. 6 weeks ago.

I came home this weekend for a visit (I live out of state) to see my

dad, half sibs & step grandparents. My dad tells me about this

website he hangs out on related to computer stuff and that one of the

guys passed away. Dad reached out to his wife in friendship.... well,

now they're " dating " . Granted, she is several states away.

he told me, he told my grandpa. Grandpa asked me about it, and I

told him I don't like it. It seems too soon & seems like

dysfunctional grieving to me. Like my dad is trying to mask his pain

& grieving by looking for companionship.

Thing is, when mom & dad bought this house, they added on to it so

that grandparents could live here too. Mom & her parents are/were

VERY close. very. So dad is in this house with my much younger half

sibs & his inlaws.

I really fear that this could seriously devastate the family. I think

the kids would be very upset by this if they knew. They are 15 & 12.

My grandma, oh my... she'd lose it. She & mom were best friends.

Grandpa encouraged me to talk to dad about it, and I did, but dad

doesn't seem to see that it's not just himself he has to think about

here, but the kids and the rest of the family here!

My dad has a history of moving on very quickly. When he & nada

divorced, he was with my now ex-step mom very quickly. When they

divorced, he was with mom very quickly. My dad was domestically

violent with my nada and my ex-step mom, and when he told me he was

marrying " mom " , I was upset... not because I didn't like her, because

I did from the start. But because I was scared... i asked him if she

knew what he had done to nada & ex-step mom. But, I was also 17 at

that time and I guess he didn't think it mattered.

I've always thought that my dad was my hero because he changed. He

never hurt mom, or my half sibs. But now I'm concerned... what if

this relationship gets serious? What if people protest... will he

lose it?

I'm really very concerned. Very unhappy about this relationship.

But, dad said he's a big boy and is going to do whatever he needs to

in order to move on. But, is he moving on to mask his pain? Ignoring

it, trying not to honestly grieve? How on earth can someone just get

into a relationship with someone else 6 weeks after their beloved wife

passes away?

He honestly doesn't care what anyone thinks/says. I just... ugh.

Any thoughts?

Thanks, Mia

May 27, 2012

Hi Mia,

It sounds like your dad is pretty co-dependent. They feel incredibly empty

and without any real grounding unless they are with someone.

So it sounds like your dad is feeling compulsed to be with someone so

quickly. And when a relationship is an act of survival, no one else's

feelings matter.

At such an older age, never being really without a wife, and ignoring the

family (specifically your younger siblings' well-being)....I'm sorry but it

sounds very unlikely he'll ever be open to getting counseling to make any

lasting change.

But what you can do is be there for your siblings, as you know what they'll

be going through if the relationship progresses.

And this is probably triggering a bunch of childhood pain for you too. So

take care of yourself and grieve for you too when it's needed.

I have much younger siblings and every time my bpd mom and co-dependent dad

create problems for them, I have to work through the grief of how the same

treatment effected me as a kid.

Hang in there.

AL

May 27, 2012

Hi Mia,

It sounds like your dad is pretty co-dependent. They feel incredibly empty

and without any real grounding unless they are with someone.

So it sounds like your dad is feeling compulsed to be with someone so

quickly. And when a relationship is an act of survival, no one else's

feelings matter.

At such an older age, never being really without a wife, and ignoring the

family (specifically your younger siblings' well-being)....I'm sorry but it

sounds very unlikely he'll ever be open to getting counseling to make any

lasting change.

But what you can do is be there for your siblings, as you know what they'll

be going through if the relationship progresses.

And this is probably triggering a bunch of childhood pain for you too. So

take care of yourself and grieve for you too when it's needed.

I have much younger siblings and every time my bpd mom and co-dependent dad

create problems for them, I have to work through the grief of how the same

treatment effected me as a kid.

Hang in there.

AL

May 27, 2012

Hi Mia,

It sounds like your dad is pretty co-dependent. They feel incredibly empty

and without any real grounding unless they are with someone.

So it sounds like your dad is feeling compulsed to be with someone so

quickly. And when a relationship is an act of survival, no one else's

feelings matter.

At such an older age, never being really without a wife, and ignoring the

family (specifically your younger siblings' well-being)....I'm sorry but it

sounds very unlikely he'll ever be open to getting counseling to make any

lasting change.

But what you can do is be there for your siblings, as you know what they'll

be going through if the relationship progresses.

And this is probably triggering a bunch of childhood pain for you too. So

take care of yourself and grieve for you too when it's needed.

I have much younger siblings and every time my bpd mom and co-dependent dad

create problems for them, I have to work through the grief of how the same

treatment effected me as a kid.

Hang in there.

AL

May 28, 2012

Thanks Al, I think you're right. I just wasn't expecting this AT ALL.

For the past 18 years, I've said that my dad is my hero because he's

proof that people can change. But, he really didn't change. My step

mom (aka: real mom) was just taking care of him & EVERYTHING and

letting him do his own thing. He even said that this weekend himself.

He also said today that he doesn't like having to try & keep track of

all the stuff the kids have going on, mom did it all, blah blah blah.

I wanted SO bad to say, " Well, time to step up & be a real dad " .

My whole deluded mindset that dad had changed is coming crashing down

and yeah, that's a bit traumatic. But as much as it bothers me, good

grief, my very true & honest concern is with my sibs.

I wouldn't be surprised if he up & left the kids with my grandparents,

who are in their 70s. He did up & leave me when he & nada divorced.

It was more than 6 months before he came back around & decided he

wanted me in my life. I was very young, but I remember that. My dad

wasn't much of a dad to me at all, and that started changing when he

met mom. Now I know why.. now I see the truth. And I feel like a fool

for thinking he'd changed his selfish ways.

If he abandons those kids, I'm moving my ass back up there to help my

grandparents (step grandparents, really). Granted my step grandma is

72 and healthy as a horse and will probably out live us all, but COME

ON!!! That or he'll rip them away from their family to be with this

woman out of state. And that will be horrific for EVERYONE.

I may be jumping to crazy conclusions, but they are conclusions based

off past history of my father. I hope to heaven I'm wrong, but yes,

I'm worried. Was worried enough about the family since mom died since

I " m out of state... though I knew this trip would be bitter sweet, I

thought it would help ease my worry. NOPE. More concerned than I was

on Friday, that's for sure.

This sucks.

Mia

On Sun, May 27, 2012 at 10:13 PM, April Vermillion

april.lynn.vermillion@...> wrote:

>

> Hi Mia,

>

> It sounds like your dad is pretty co-dependent. They feel incredibly

> empty

> and without any real grounding unless they are with someone.

>

> So it sounds like your dad is feeling compulsed to be with someone so

> quickly. And when a relationship is an act of survival, no one else's

> feelings matter.

>

> At such an older age, never being really without a wife, and ignoring the

> family (specifically your younger siblings' well-being)....I'm sorry but

> it

> sounds very unlikely he'll ever be open to getting counseling to make any

> lasting change.

>

> But what you can do is be there for your siblings, as you know what

> they'll

> be going through if the relationship progresses.

>

> And this is probably triggering a bunch of childhood pain for you too. So

> take care of yourself and grieve for you too when it's needed.

>

> I have much younger siblings and every time my bpd mom and co-dependent

> dad

> create problems for them, I have to work through the grief of how the

> same

> treatment effected me as a kid.

>

> Hang in there.

>

> AL

>

May 28, 2012