Re: BPD books and films...

May 28, 2012

Sunspot:

I brought this movie abroad with me where I've been since December 2011,

and finally got around to watchingall of it this past week, including

all the extras which were really supported the film very well also.

You are completely spot-on about what you have deduced to say here. In

one of the extras, Bisset talks about having briefly met the

director-writer's mother, who this apparently was modeled after. The

director-writer said it is semi-autobiographical. Bisset said she

didn't want to know her any more for fear of how it would taint her

execution of the character which I thought was interesting.

This movie hit very much at home with me. The flashback scene of her

tyrade in her young sons bedroom where she's screaming how she told them

to clean it, and is throwing everything around rang a lot of resonance

about my own NADA.

It also brought to mind a memory my of my youngest brother eleven years

ago. I'd just separated from my BP wife, not knowing about BP period,

and he asked me out of the blue " do you think it's any surprise that

none of us are married? Do you think Mom has tainted our ability to

have a healthy relationship with any woman? " Myself, and two younger

brothers were single - I the only at that time to have married. This

younger brother since married a woman with an obvious personality

disorder, and quickly had it annulled. He dated and lived with a woman

a few years before this statement of his that looking back, probably had

BDP.

I appreciated seeing the film through the eyes of the sons, how it

affected them in this context, and could relate in many ways to both. I

related very much to the father-Bisset's husband character as well.

Specifically, how she told her oldest son when he asked why she married

his father, she said something like " because I knew he'd never leave

me....we marry for what we need, not what we want. " That resonated with

me like a clanging bell, because I learned ten years ago when I was

married that was one reason my wife married me, because I was devoted,

and no matter what she put me through it took years before I finally

divorced her (after she quit BDP dialectal reorientation theropy she

started of her own accord).

I see I'd been loyal to my mom when I was very young, even though she

was cold and distant, and not quite right then. I've been so in recent

years moving back to her hometown to look after her in her senior years

as her mental health is worsening. Though I now see that wasn't the

healthiest move I could have done on my part for myself.

The flashback scene where the dad-husband sends the oldest son to kiss

his mother good morning, and the kid's reluctance to also rang very

close to home with me. I was always cautious about my mother when I was

that age, and reluctant to show her any affection. By then, she seemed

insincere to me.

Also the critical scene where the older son goes to his parent's

apartment, and we're introduced to his co-dependent brother, where

Bisset's character prances about talking about how she was the toast of

Paris, had countless men chasing her, but she could care less was

interesting. Growing up after my mother divorced my father, she used to

say she had countless offers of marriage since.......Good for you, Mom.

She never remarried though.

Later, when he's having the conversation with her at a cafe when he asks

what she wants from him, and she responds absolutely nothing, that she

thought he felt he needed to show her some sort of affection she neither

wanted or needed really hit home too. That could have been my mother,

and reminds me of recent conversations with her in the past year since I

confronted her and tried to present mental healthcare treatment options

for her personality disorder.

The sex and other vivid imagery shown briefly in the concentration camp

didn't offend me as it really presented many things on many levels days

later I'm still processing. The older son's relationship with women in

his adult life really resembled a lot of my own. Especially with his

boss-girlfriend - a woman in authority (like his mother), and the

closest thing to an intimate relationship he could have - because she

was completely denying him any intimacy by connecting to intercourse,

and kept stringing him a long - her unavailability to him like his

mother emotionally. It was a commentary on many ways of his own

relationship with his mother, and not surprising he wound up in a

relationship that mirrored so many issues with his domineering,

controlling mother. I did the same thing, marrying a woman who turned

out to be exactly like my mother when at first I think I was deluding

myself that she was nothing like her.

All in a all, viewing Death In Love and Clash By Night both gave good

context for me, some objectivity I also find in this support group to

view the same exact things happening to other people I've experienced.

It depersonalizes it a little bit, and gives me valued perspective.

I thought it was great how the director showed where her pathology began

- when her parents left her to flea Paris as Parisienne Jews in Nazi

occupied France. Her mother declared she couldn't bare to be apart from

her husband. Then when her sadistic captor, the Nazi concentration camp

doctor abandons her when he learns the Russians are close was another

blow to her already fragile, completely cracked ego - which I think

completely shattered it. After all, the root of BPD is a morbid fear of

abandonment. So I'm glad the director included this. Seeing this was

another example of how this depersonalized my situation somewhat, gave

me objectivity. Because seeing what happened to this character, and

knowing that my mother and ex-wife have BDP and why, as well as all I've

learned of it demonstrates to me these people's egos are severely

fractured. What a horrible way to live.

Thank you Sunspot.

> > > >

> > > > > **

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi KO's

> > > > >

> > > > > I thought we might like to add these titles to our

reading/viewing

> > > > > lists.

> > > > >

> > > > > Films;

> > > > >

> > > > > " Leave Her to Heaven "

> > > > > Sadly,I don't know the writer or producers name.

> > > > > A great old black and white film, depicting the machinations,

> > > > > and subsequent devastation wrought by a young " Queen " BPD/NPD,

who

> > > > > spares no extreme in the service of her disordered thinking!

> > > > >

> > > > > " Shadow of Doubt "

> > > > > Producer, Alfred Hitchcock

> > > > > Another great old black and white film, by the master of

> > > > > psychological terror!

> > > > > This marvelous film explores the seductive reptile/prey

> > > > > " dance of collusion, " in which emotional predators enmesh

> > > > > their intended victims.

> > > > > The issue of " collusion against the self " is, in

> > > > > my opinion, the most devastating and difficult to explain or

> > > > > describe, of all interactions with BPD/NPDs. Somehow, they

> > > > > manage to craft intimate relationships with their intended

victims

> > > > through

> > > > > feigned intimacy, favors, and gifts, that appear to

> > > > > to onlookers to be generous and wonderful, yet, are in fact

> > carefully

> > > > > crafted to destroy the victims credibility, or otherwise

devastate

> > or

> > > > ruin

> > > > > the recipient. Truths (which are often actually lies) are told

to,

> > > > > terminally wound, etc...

> > > > > Fabulous film with a most satisfying ending!

> > > > >

> > > > > Books;

> > > > >

> > > > > " Unchained Memories "

> > > > > 1994

> > > > > Author Lenore Terr, M.D

> > > > >

> > > > > This is a powerful, compassionate, well written, and thought

> > provoking

> > > > > book, exploring Post Traumatic Stress, how the mind processes

> > trauma, and

> > > > > may, superficially, edit memory, so that we may function

within

> > the

> > > > > framework of daily life.

> > > > > Issues of false memory, traumatic and painful memory, and

> > repression, and

> > > > > dissociation are also addressed, as well as the confusion and

> > disbelief

> > > > in

> > > > > our own experience and credibility that so many of us, as KOs,

> > suffer

> > > > from.

> > > > > I found the subject of " symptom clusters, " as a means of

> > recognizing and

> > > > > validating experience to be incalculably helpful.

> > > > > Although this book is definitely triggering, I would highly

> > recommend it

> > > > > to anyone wanting to clean out their headspace!

> > > > >

> > > > > " Neverland "

> > > > > ( " J.M. Barrie, The Du Mauriers, And The Dark Side Of

Pan " )

> > > > > Author Piers Dudgeon

> > > > > 2009

> > > > > This book examines the issues of emotional captivation,

seduction,

> > and

> > > > > ruinous relationships, using the interactions between authors

> > Barrie, the

> > > > > Du Mauriers, and other notables of the era.

> > > > >

> > > > > This is a deeply complex, and sometimes confusing book (it

helps

> > to have

> > > > a

> > > > > passing acquaintance with the works of its subjects,( such as

the

> > > > original

> > > > > " Pan, " by Barrie, " Trilby, " by Du Maurier, and

> > anything

> > > > > written by Daphne Du Maurier,) but well rewards the stubborn

and

> > intrepid

> > > > > reader with an unprecedented view into the unconscionably

> > malicious

> > > > > disregard, and malevolent intent that underlies so many

BPD/NPD

> > > > behaviors.

> > > > >

> > > > > The book further points up, (through discussing mesmerism,

which

> > was the

> > > > > favorite parlor game of the era,(late 1800 - early 1900s,) its

> > misuse by

> > > > > Barrie, and the Du Mauriers) the disturbing generational

effects

> > from

> > > > > interactions between the BPD/PD individuals, their victims and

> > families.

> > > > > It further observes, and attempts to expose the frustratingly

> > elusive yet

> > > > > devastating issues of emotional seduction, emotional incest,

and

> > non -

> > > > > physical sexual abuse, a very difficult topic to address, and

an

> > > > experience

> > > > > so many KOs struggle to make sense of.

> > > > >

> > > > > " Neverland " is not a quick read, but answers many questions

for

> > those of

> > > > > us who were inexplicably creeped-out by the adorable childrens

> > books and

> > > > > plays written by Barrie, troubled by Du Mauriers haunting

" Trilby "

> > (

> > > > > patterned after his own reprehensible manipulation of an

artists

> > model,)

> > > > or

> > > > > uneasily fascinated by Daphnes' dream-like prose. I am not

> > referring the

> > > > > the candy-coated, hyper-sanitized Disneyesque versions,

(although

> > I find

> > > > > those disturbing in their own way,) but the original works, by

the

> > > > authors

> > > > > themselves.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'd love to know other KOs' opinions of the above, as well as

your

> > own

> > > > > favorite films and books. I know we review this topic from

time to

> > time,

> > > > > and I always look forward to adding titles to my KO library!

> > > > >

> > > > > Warm regards, Sunspot

> > > > >

> > > >

May 28, 2012