My first trip to counselor

[Guest guest]

After reading SWOE and Understanding the Borderline Mother, I feel that I've

made great strides these past couple of years in dealing with nada. The one

thing that still sets me off are the rude phone calls. One time I can call and

she's her normal self. That's bad enough. Another time I call and it's " Don't

come over, don't call. " No explanation, just rude. For some reason that still

makes me sick and makes me angry. I finally figured I'd talk to someone about

it, try to wrap this up.

It was weird! After the " hi, how are you " type thing, she said she had reviewed

my medical chart (fine) and said I don't come in very often. Then just sat there

and looked at me. I wondered what that had to do with anything. I felt defensive

for no reason. I said I come in when I need to; otherwise I handle things at

home.

We talked a bit about why I was there. I told her about what I've learned, about

the phone call mess, that I don't like being jerked around by my mom and then

get angry with myself for allowing her that power to upset me. She said by

getting angry at myself, I was taking on the blame and doubling my suffering.

Great.

I had written some random notes about my memories of nada. She wanted to scan

them. Fine. As she read them, she made sad little moaning sounds. I was ready to

snatch back the paper. She didn't finish it but said she was amazed at how great

I am, how resilient I am. I just laughed and said, " You don't know me. "

She started talking about trauma, abuse, PTSD. Then talked about me possibly

going into more long term counseling. I told her no, I just want to deal with

this one thing, the phone calls. I can handle her negativity (tune her out), her

bizarre behavior in public (she looks foolish, not me). I told her I didn't want

to act like some victim. She said I wasn't a victim, I was a survivor and then

smiled at me. Gag.

I can be warm and fuzzy with my family and some of my closer friends but I felt

a bit patronized by her comments. She seems very wonderful and nice but I'm not

going to sob on her shoulder. Just give me some coping skills and I'll use them.

Or maybe I'm being too stubborn.

[Guest guest]

Hi Irene,

Thanks for sharing. And good for you to recognize you need some outside

eyes on the problem.

I use to teach crisis counseling. It sounds like the counselor had more of

their own agenda for your session. A good counselor knows to let YOU set

the agenda. Because it's totally fine if you just want to do just a few

sessions.

When people feel patronized in counseling, it's because the counselor isn't

really listening to them.

So I think your gut was right...she's not a fit (or dare I say very

experienced yet). I don't know how much she's charging, but I know a lot of

people try counseling by hiring someone cheaper at first. Unfortunately you

get what you pay for in counseling.

So I recommend spending a little extra money for a better counselor.

Believe me...it'll be a better experience. After all the investment should

improve your life in a key area!

Good luck. - AL

[Guest guest]

Hi Irene,

Thanks for sharing. And good for you to recognize you need some outside

eyes on the problem.

I use to teach crisis counseling. It sounds like the counselor had more of

their own agenda for your session. A good counselor knows to let YOU set

the agenda. Because it's totally fine if you just want to do just a few

sessions.

When people feel patronized in counseling, it's because the counselor isn't

really listening to them.

So I think your gut was right...she's not a fit (or dare I say very

experienced yet). I don't know how much she's charging, but I know a lot of

people try counseling by hiring someone cheaper at first. Unfortunately you

get what you pay for in counseling.

So I recommend spending a little extra money for a better counselor.

Believe me...it'll be a better experience. After all the investment should

improve your life in a key area!

Good luck. - AL

[Guest guest]

She was great with my husband and I was happy to get someone that we kind of

knew. But I wasn't thrilled with the first visit. She's with our HMO. She does

counseling, will meet with a patient 3 or 4 times then decide if the patient

needs long term care or is just working through a bump in the road of life. I

guess after reading some of my notes about my nada memories, she figured I was

severely traumatized or something. What she doesn't realize is I've had years as

an adult to work through some issues like anger, resentment, etc. Having kids

was one of the biggest motivators for me to come to grips with my own childhood

and attitudes. No way did I want to treat my kids the way she treated me.

I'll give it a shot, see if I can pick her brain and learn what I need to know.

>

> Hi Irene,

>

> Thanks for sharing. And good for you to recognize you need some outside

> eyes on the problem.

>

> I use to teach crisis counseling. It sounds like the counselor had more of

> their own agenda for your session. A good counselor knows to let YOU set

> the agenda. Because it's totally fine if you just want to do just a few

> sessions.

>

> When people feel patronized in counseling, it's because the counselor isn't

> really listening to them.

>

> So I think your gut was right...she's not a fit (or dare I say very

> experienced yet). I don't know how much she's charging, but I know a lot of

> people try counseling by hiring someone cheaper at first. Unfortunately you

> get what you pay for in counseling.

>

> So I recommend spending a little extra money for a better counselor.

> Believe me...it'll be a better experience. After all the investment should

> improve your life in a key area!

>

> Good luck. - AL

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> After reading SWOE and Understanding the Borderline Mother, I feel that I've

made great strides these past couple of years in dealing with nada. The one

thing that still sets me off are the rude phone calls. One time I can call and

she's her normal self. That's bad enough. Another time I call and it's " Don't

come over, don't call. " No explanation, just rude. For some reason that still

makes me sick and makes me angry. I finally figured I'd talk to someone about

it, try to wrap this up.

>

> It was weird! After the " hi, how are you " type thing, she said she had

reviewed my medical chart (fine) and said I don't come in very often. Then just

sat there and looked at me. I wondered what that had to do with anything. I felt

defensive for no reason. I said I come in when I need to; otherwise I handle

things at home.

>

> We talked a bit about why I was there. I told her about what I've learned,

about the phone call mess, that I don't like being jerked around by my mom and

then get angry with myself for allowing her that power to upset me. She said by

getting angry at myself, I was taking on the blame and doubling my suffering.

Great.

>

> I had written some random notes about my memories of nada. She wanted to scan

them. Fine. As she read them, she made sad little moaning sounds. I was ready to

snatch back the paper. She didn't finish it but said she was amazed at how great

I am, how resilient I am. I just laughed and said, " You don't know me. "

>

> She started talking about trauma, abuse, PTSD. Then talked about me possibly

going into more long term counseling. I told her no, I just want to deal with

this one thing, the phone calls. I can handle her negativity (tune her out), her

bizarre behavior in public (she looks foolish, not me). I told her I didn't want

to act like some victim. She said I wasn't a victim, I was a survivor and then

smiled at me. Gag.

>

> I can be warm and fuzzy with my family and some of my closer friends but I

felt a bit patronized by her comments. She seems very wonderful and nice but I'm

not going to sob on her shoulder. Just give me some coping skills and I'll use

them.

>

> Or maybe I'm being too stubborn.

>

Hi Irene,

I also went for some counseling and that is where I found out about the book

SWOE and that BPD is what my mother has. My counselor also told me how " normal "

and strong she thought I was after only one visit. I took it as a compliment. I

think she sees a lot of people and gets a good read on them. Your counselor may

have concluded things about you by the way you spoke and/or presented yourself.

I think alot of people (myself included) get raked over the coals by the BP and

while many believe seeking counseling is a sign of weekness, it is quite the

opposite. You should be commended for reaching out.

On the other hand, maybe she has no clue about BPD and didnt know how to start.

Either way, if it doesnt feel right, move on to someone else.

Mici