Re: shame article

[Guest guest]

Yes! We are not talking about normal shame. If you let normal shame

fester, it's like a weed that only cuts through top soil.

What we deal with are deep, deep rooted weeds (because it developed in us

as early as infancy). Some of us only deal with the shame on the surface,

like just trimming the weed when it breaks through the soil. Others will

pull it out just from the top soil (as if they have normal troubles).

But when you step back and see the big picture of your life...you can see

how shame has affected every area of your life. How it holds us back from

life! Causing us to struggle to produce the love and peace we truly

deserve.

So what do we do? Dig up and face all the pain of our past. That's a lot

of weeds to deal with! It'll wreck our perfectly trimmed lives for awhile.

Our lives will be a mess! And will it actually work? So many fears arise.

And what happens after you get the shame out of your life? I think that's

the scariest. Because you know you won't be the same. You know your BPD

mother will be intimidated or resentful for this new life. You'll be

creating your own, beautiful life. And have to learn to actually enjoy

it! You may have to enjoy your life with new relationships and cast out

old ones who don't like how you've changed.

Oh dear sisters...this journey is so worth it. Even if we just work at

rooting out our shame one inch at a time. That's one more spot in our lives

where we are free.

And sure...the shame will keep creeping up throughout our lives. But when

we clear out the deepest roots of our shame, it will never have such power

over our lives.

What do you think?

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for this article! I am so fascinated by it. I'm in the

beginning stages of therapy and am just getting in touch with shame of my own.

This really helps me getting a clearer picture of how shame is rooted in

us...since birth! Though it's a difficult journey, I think it's great that you

are in touch with your own feelings of shame. You are farther along than myself,

and probably a lot of people! I think when we can befriend and really experience

our own feelings, no matter how ugly or scary or painful, that is when they

start to lose their hold on us.

I also feel like, and maybe some of you identify with this, that for the

majority of my childhood, adolescence, and young adult years, I've been in this

sort of dissociated state. The article mentions a possible link between

dissociation and shame. Wow! Shame really does put a person " out " of thier own

bodies, of their own experience in a way.

Thanks again! Def bringing this article to the therapist!

-T

>

> Hi

>

> Just wanted to say thanks to this group. I have been feeling those intense

unexplainable feelings of shame a lot lately, and thought I might find some

explanations here. I did a search and found this article that was discussed here

in 2009. So glad this board exists! It makes me feel better to at least

understand WHY I feel the way I do.

>

> Here's a little excerpt - and the article is by Judith Herman, here:

> http://www.scribd.com/doc/17538213/Shattered-ShameJudith--Herman

>

>

> " When methods of coercive control are used within primary attachment

relationships, as occurs in the case of child abuse, the developing child learns

nothing of ordinary social shame. Rather, the child is overwhelmed with extreme

shame states. Fonagy, Target, Gergely, , & Bateman (2003) describe the

shame of the abused child as “an intense and destructive sense of

self-disgust, verging on self-hatred.†They explain that “the shame concerns

being treated as a physical object in the very context where special personal

recognition is expected.â€

>

[Guest guest]

....Wow....! That short video packs a wallop of serious information regarding

how a small child can be dreadfully traumatized by a parent who is thoughtless

or disordered enough to flash that genuine *intent to harm* expression at their

child, even for a moment.

When I saw that guy make that teeth-baring face of rage, I actually felt a jolt

like electricity run through my body; his rage expression elicited an atavistic

fear reaction from me even though intellectually I of course realize its only a

freaking video. It triggered memories for me of seeing that expression on my

nada's face, being deeply terrified by it and the " freeze in place " response

that was my usual reaction.

As the speaker/the doctor says: there is nothing that a small child *can* do

when their primary caregiver displays that primeval, snarling *intent to harm*

the child, except dissociate or fragment.

That kind of primitive, feral, in-your-face raging was done to my little Sister

and me rather frequently, during our growing up years by our borderline

pd/narcissistic pd mother. And it wasn't just *intent* to harm, our nada

followed through and physically assaulted us rather often: she would slap us,

spank us, and hit with objects (the preferred weapon was a thick leather belt).

Sister and I were both physically afraid of our own mother/nada.

I would startle if nada made a sudden, unexpected move near me. But if she saw

me startle, THAT would enrage her, I suppose because it embarrassed her that her

own small child was obviously afraid of her. So I had to learn to squelch and

suppress my own startle reaction.

My memories of many raging episodes culminating in being assaulted are intact

but I coped by becoming numbed out around her; kind going into robot/zombie

mode.

My little Sister coped by developing childhood amnesia; big chunks of her

childhood are still missing for her, although she has more of her memories now

than before she had therapy.

This one video, of this doctor just demonstrating briefly what a real vicious

anger-face looks like, would be an invaluable educational tool to show to young

people studying childhood development, to anyone who is taking parenting

classes, and to those with personality disorders who are in therapy RE: what NOT

to do as a parent.

Lesson one: do NOT terrorize your baby or child with rage-faces and raging

behaviors including physical assault, unless you want your little one to

dissociate, lose their childhood memories and become deathly afraid of you, and

possibly develop complex ptsd symptoms.

Thanks for sharing that video, I think its important for the general public to

have a better understanding of what emotional abuse is and the type of damage it

does to children.

-Annie

>

> This 3 minute video is along the same lines, and I am obsessed with watching

it. My mother used to literally bare her teeth at me, and not just for a

second.

>

>

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

....Wow....! That short video packs a wallop of serious information regarding

how a small child can be dreadfully traumatized by a parent who is thoughtless

or disordered enough to flash that genuine *intent to harm* expression at their

child, even for a moment.

When I saw that guy make that teeth-baring face of rage, I actually felt a jolt

like electricity run through my body; his rage expression elicited an atavistic

fear reaction from me even though intellectually I of course realize its only a

freaking video. It triggered memories for me of seeing that expression on my

nada's face, being deeply terrified by it and the " freeze in place " response

that was my usual reaction.

As the speaker/the doctor says: there is nothing that a small child *can* do

when their primary caregiver displays that primeval, snarling *intent to harm*

the child, except dissociate or fragment.

That kind of primitive, feral, in-your-face raging was done to my little Sister

and me rather frequently, during our growing up years by our borderline

pd/narcissistic pd mother. And it wasn't just *intent* to harm, our nada

followed through and physically assaulted us rather often: she would slap us,

spank us, and hit with objects (the preferred weapon was a thick leather belt).

Sister and I were both physically afraid of our own mother/nada.

I would startle if nada made a sudden, unexpected move near me. But if she saw

me startle, THAT would enrage her, I suppose because it embarrassed her that her

own small child was obviously afraid of her. So I had to learn to squelch and

suppress my own startle reaction.

My memories of many raging episodes culminating in being assaulted are intact

but I coped by becoming numbed out around her; kind going into robot/zombie

mode.

My little Sister coped by developing childhood amnesia; big chunks of her

childhood are still missing for her, although she has more of her memories now

than before she had therapy.

This one video, of this doctor just demonstrating briefly what a real vicious

anger-face looks like, would be an invaluable educational tool to show to young

people studying childhood development, to anyone who is taking parenting

classes, and to those with personality disorders who are in therapy RE: what NOT

to do as a parent.

Lesson one: do NOT terrorize your baby or child with rage-faces and raging

behaviors including physical assault, unless you want your little one to

dissociate, lose their childhood memories and become deathly afraid of you, and

possibly develop complex ptsd symptoms.

Thanks for sharing that video, I think its important for the general public to

have a better understanding of what emotional abuse is and the type of damage it

does to children.

-Annie

>

> This 3 minute video is along the same lines, and I am obsessed with watching

it. My mother used to literally bare her teeth at me, and not just for a

second.

>

>

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, when I saw him make that face, I felt mildly startled. It reminds me of

chimps, when they go crazy and attack each other.

My mother used to grab me by the arms and force me to look at her while she

talked through her teeth at me - she would get right up in my face. I memorized

her lower teeth as she bared them at me. But this wasn't enough for her. She

began to demand that I look her *in the eyes* which was so terrifying. To be

forced to look straight at her hateful, contempt-filled face. I eventually

learned to settle on her eyebrows, and she thought I was looking at her eyes.

To this day, seeing pictures of 's eyebrows makes me feel ill

(my mother had that same old-fashioned shape).

Having to learn to squelch your own startle response, I think, is particularly

difficult. It also teaches you that it is not safe to express your feelings and

that you can't do what you need to do to protect yourself; a horrible lesson

that has consequences which can last a lifetime. I have been complimented on my

ability to look unfazed while someone flips out in front of me. Years later, I

understood that that was a skill that I had to learn.

I agree that that tape would be great instruction for those studying child

development or for anyone becoming a parent. I think he says so much in that

short video. His other videos are really interesting too.

You know, that facial expression might not seem like a big deal to a lot of

people. But when I watched that video, I realized, YES this is why I am still

afraid of my mother. This is why, at 41, I still worry that when she gets

upset, I will get physically hurt. She MUST have shown me that face many times

when I was an infant/toddler, times I will never be able to remember

consciously.

Deanna

> >

> > This 3 minute video is along the same lines, and I am obsessed with watching

it. My mother used to literally bare her teeth at me, and not just for a

second.

> >

> >

> >

> > Deanna

> >

>

[Guest guest]

HI Deanna,

I could have written your paragraph #2 below, word for word, exactly.

OK, now, imagine the snarling, animal-like rage-glare, so close you can feel

nada's spittle hitting your face, her eyes dilated black as a shark's eyes, and

this level of shrieking verbal abuse accompanying it:

The video was submitted by a 16 year old.

Now imaging the rage-face and this out-of-control level of shrieking verbal

attack directed at a terrified 4 or 5 year old child. Or at a 3 year old child.

Like you, that is what my little Sister and I were subjected to. My Sister told

me she does remember being so terrified of our nada that she urinated on herself

in abject fear one time when nada began screaming at her.

After the storm of verbal assault and physical battering was over, sometimes our

nada would be all cheerful and perky, like nothing dramatic or violent had just

happened. Sister and I had to pretend too; no crying or cowering, no hurt

feelings, no anger was allowed on our part. But at other times, nada would

burst into tearful sobbing and would beg us for our forgiveness, and Sister and

I learned quickly that we had to just pretend like we weren't upset or scared of

her, and go to her and comfort her and tell her we loved her. She'd promise to

not do that to us anymore, but her promises were ephemeral. Nada might trigger

into yet another rage later the same day, or next week; we could never really

know.

Sometimes we could tell when she was working herself up into a rage, you could

feel the tension in the air, sense the anger building up in her, and make

yourself scarce. But at other times she could just blow up suddenly like a

land-mine, or a dormant volcano suddenly erupting scalding lava.

I think my nada was too disordered, too mentally ill to have been attempting to

raise small children on her own, with almost no supervision. Dad was very

hands-off RE child-care, and he worked long hours. When he was home he was kind

and loving towards us (towards me; Sister has shared with me that our dad

wasn't so warm and friendly towards her) and he would be the focus of nada's

attention when he was home. He'd get all her attention, good or bad; when he

was home; so if nada was spoiling for a fight, he's the one who would get raged

at instead of us.

Toddler behavior, toddler emotional immaturity, toddler-level narcissism in an

adult is just not normal. For other adults such immature behaviors and

attitudes can be frustrating and irritating, but someone who is impulsive and

prone to trigger into rage-tantrums can be downright dangerous to a small child.

Nobody in their right mind would leave a baby or a puppy with a toddler to take

care of it alone and unsupervised, the result would be disastrous. It was

disastrous in some ways, for Sister and me. But, we're fairly resilient.

-Annie

>

> Annie, when I saw him make that face, I felt mildly startled. It reminds me

of chimps, when they go crazy and attack each other.

>

> My mother used to grab me by the arms and force me to look at her while she

talked through her teeth at me - she would get right up in my face. I memorized

her lower teeth as she bared them at me. But this wasn't enough for her. She

began to demand that I look her *in the eyes* which was so terrifying. To be

forced to look straight at her hateful, contempt-filled face. I eventually

learned to settle on her eyebrows, and she thought I was looking at her eyes.

To this day, seeing pictures of 's eyebrows makes me feel ill

(my mother had that same old-fashioned shape).

>

> Having to learn to squelch your own startle response, I think, is particularly

difficult. It also teaches you that it is not safe to express your feelings and

that you can't do what you need to do to protect yourself; a horrible lesson

that has consequences which can last a lifetime. I have been complimented on my

ability to look unfazed while someone flips out in front of me. Years later, I

understood that that was a skill that I had to learn.

>

> I agree that that tape would be great instruction for those studying child

development or for anyone becoming a parent. I think he says so much in that

short video. His other videos are really interesting too.

>

> You know, that facial expression might not seem like a big deal to a lot of

people. But when I watched that video, I realized, YES this is why I am still

afraid of my mother. This is why, at 41, I still worry that when she gets

upset, I will get physically hurt. She MUST have shown me that face many times

when I was an infant/toddler, times I will never be able to remember

consciously.

>

> Deanna

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

I'm new to the group and have been reading through the messages and am so amazed

at how many of you have survived such horrific pasts. I didn't deal with a lot

of the abuse I've read about here, but I can completely relate to so many of the

struggles people have been talking about. For the first time I feel like I'm

meeting other people who know exactly how I've felt my whole life and are going

through it with me. My therapist suggested my mom might have BPD and after

reading Surviving a Borderline Parent, I was convinced. When I talked to my mom

about it, she admitted a therapist had diagnosed her with BPD in the 90's.

There's nothing like the " Aha " moment that comes with realizing " so THAT'S why

my childhood was so effed up! "

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself and to thank you Tretretre for posting

the article about shame - I completely relate and it filled in a couple missing

pieces of the puzzle for me. I too have focused more on my everyday fear I

struggle with, but didn't have a way to express that worthless, unlovable

feeling I also struggle with constantly, which I see now is obviously the shame

of being made to feel like my basic emotional needs were inherently shameful.

Now I just need to move beyond knowing it intellectually into knowing it

emotionally, which is so much harder of a process.

I also wanted to thank you April for your comments - the metaphor about

uprooting such deeply rooted weeds in our life was a perfect way to describe

what I've been going through for the last couple months - I feel like the

uprooting process has been wrecking my life, everything is a mess and I am so

afraid that nothing will improve. But starting to see a light at the end of the

tunnel thanks to a good therapist and now this group. =)

a

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

I'm new to the group and have been reading through the messages and am so amazed

at how many of you have survived such horrific pasts. I didn't deal with a lot

of the abuse I've read about here, but I can completely relate to so many of the

struggles people have been talking about. For the first time I feel like I'm

meeting other people who know exactly how I've felt my whole life and are going

through it with me. My therapist suggested my mom might have BPD and after

reading Surviving a Borderline Parent, I was convinced. When I talked to my mom

about it, she admitted a therapist had diagnosed her with BPD in the 90's.

There's nothing like the " Aha " moment that comes with realizing " so THAT'S why

my childhood was so effed up! "

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself and to thank you Tretretre for posting

the article about shame - I completely relate and it filled in a couple missing

pieces of the puzzle for me. I too have focused more on my everyday fear I

struggle with, but didn't have a way to express that worthless, unlovable

feeling I also struggle with constantly, which I see now is obviously the shame

of being made to feel like my basic emotional needs were inherently shameful.

Now I just need to move beyond knowing it intellectually into knowing it

emotionally, which is so much harder of a process.

I also wanted to thank you April for your comments - the metaphor about

uprooting such deeply rooted weeds in our life was a perfect way to describe

what I've been going through for the last couple months - I feel like the

uprooting process has been wrecking my life, everything is a mess and I am so

afraid that nothing will improve. But starting to see a light at the end of the

tunnel thanks to a good therapist and now this group. =)

a

[Guest guest]

The enraged face....Ahh, I know it well. I couldn't stop watching the

various videos. But the face, showing teeth, like a pit bull, along with

spitting...........I'll never get it out of my head. My nada would also

clench her fists at me at the same time she made " the face " .

Laurie

In a message dated 6/1/2012 4:39:38 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

....Wow....! That short video packs a wallop of serious information

regarding how a small child can be dreadfully traumatized by a parent who is

thoughtless or disordered enough to flash that genuine *intent to harm*

expression at their child, even for a moment.

When I saw that guy make that teeth-baring face of rage, I actually felt a

jolt like electricity run through my body; his rage expression elicited an

atavistic fear reaction from me even though intellectually I of course

realize its only a freaking video. It triggered memories for me of seeing that

expression on my nada's face, being deeply terrified by it and the " freeze

in place " response that was my usual reaction.

As the speaker/the doctor says: there is nothing that a small child *can*

do when their primary caregiver displays that primeval, snarling *intent to

harm* the child, except dissociate or fragment.

That kind of primitive, feral, in-your-face raging was done to my little

Sister and me rather frequently, during our growing up years by our

borderline pd/narcissistic pd mother. And it wasn't just *intent* to harm, our

nada

followed through and physically assaulted us rather often: she would slap

us, spank us, and hit with objects (the preferred weapon was a thick leather

belt). Sister and I were both physically afraid of our own mother/nada.

I would startle if nada made a sudden, unexpected move near me. But if she

saw me startle, THAT would enrage her, I suppose because it embarrassed

her that her own small child was obviously afraid of her. So I had to learn to

squelch and suppress my own startle reaction.

My memories of many raging episodes culminating in being assaulted are

intact but I coped by becoming numbed out around her; kind going into

robot/zombie mode.

My little Sister coped by developing childhood amnesia; big chunks of her

childhood are still missing for her, although she has more of her memories

now than before she had therapy.

This one video, of this doctor just demonstrating briefly what a real

vicious anger-face looks like, would be an invaluable educational tool to show

to young people studying childhood development, to anyone who is taking

parenting classes, and to those with personality disorders who are in therapy

RE: what NOT to do as a parent.

Lesson one: do NOT terrorize your baby or child with rage-faces and raging

behaviors including physical assault, unless you want your little one to

dissociate, lose their childhood memories and become deathly afraid of you,

and possibly develop complex ptsd symptoms.

Thanks for sharing that video, I think its important for the general

public to have a better understanding of what emotional abuse is and the type

of

damage it does to children.

-Annie

>

> This 3 minute video is along the same lines, and I am obsessed with

watching it. My mother used to literally bare her teeth at me, and not just for

a second.

>

> _

[Guest guest]

The enraged face....Ahh, I know it well. I couldn't stop watching the

various videos. But the face, showing teeth, like a pit bull, along with

spitting...........I'll never get it out of my head. My nada would also

clench her fists at me at the same time she made " the face " .

Laurie

In a message dated 6/1/2012 4:39:38 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

....Wow....! That short video packs a wallop of serious information

regarding how a small child can be dreadfully traumatized by a parent who is

thoughtless or disordered enough to flash that genuine *intent to harm*

expression at their child, even for a moment.

When I saw that guy make that teeth-baring face of rage, I actually felt a

jolt like electricity run through my body; his rage expression elicited an

atavistic fear reaction from me even though intellectually I of course

realize its only a freaking video. It triggered memories for me of seeing that

expression on my nada's face, being deeply terrified by it and the " freeze

in place " response that was my usual reaction.

As the speaker/the doctor says: there is nothing that a small child *can*

do when their primary caregiver displays that primeval, snarling *intent to

harm* the child, except dissociate or fragment.

That kind of primitive, feral, in-your-face raging was done to my little

Sister and me rather frequently, during our growing up years by our

borderline pd/narcissistic pd mother. And it wasn't just *intent* to harm, our

nada

followed through and physically assaulted us rather often: she would slap

us, spank us, and hit with objects (the preferred weapon was a thick leather

belt). Sister and I were both physically afraid of our own mother/nada.

I would startle if nada made a sudden, unexpected move near me. But if she

saw me startle, THAT would enrage her, I suppose because it embarrassed

her that her own small child was obviously afraid of her. So I had to learn to

squelch and suppress my own startle reaction.

My memories of many raging episodes culminating in being assaulted are

intact but I coped by becoming numbed out around her; kind going into

robot/zombie mode.

My little Sister coped by developing childhood amnesia; big chunks of her

childhood are still missing for her, although she has more of her memories

now than before she had therapy.

This one video, of this doctor just demonstrating briefly what a real

vicious anger-face looks like, would be an invaluable educational tool to show

to young people studying childhood development, to anyone who is taking

parenting classes, and to those with personality disorders who are in therapy

RE: what NOT to do as a parent.

Lesson one: do NOT terrorize your baby or child with rage-faces and raging

behaviors including physical assault, unless you want your little one to

dissociate, lose their childhood memories and become deathly afraid of you,

and possibly develop complex ptsd symptoms.

Thanks for sharing that video, I think its important for the general

public to have a better understanding of what emotional abuse is and the type

of

damage it does to children.

-Annie

>

> This 3 minute video is along the same lines, and I am obsessed with

watching it. My mother used to literally bare her teeth at me, and not just for

a second.

>

> _

[Guest guest]

There's a moment in the very beginning when he's describing the face and not

intentionally illustrating it but for a nanosecond does. That's what scared the

shit out of me. Because later on it was almost an exaggeration or very well

defined,, but in the beginning, it was that split second that no one but us sees

because it happens behind closed doors.

My dad, who definitely has his own anger issues and was dealing with nada's

abuse towards him often took his anger out on us kids, at times making us think

he hated us because of this 'anger face'. I can never remember my father being

actively violent or hateful toward us except for the facial expression. But

there was always the fear of what was beyond the expression. And reading this

and seeing it makes me mad at him because sometimes I don't think he takes any

responsibility for the effect the past had on me. The thing is, I know he does,

and we've made peace, and I do not want to discuss it with him, but I'm still

affected by it, and I don't know how to handle that.

> > >

> > > This 3 minute video is along the same lines, and I am obsessed with

watching it. My mother used to literally bare her teeth at me, and not just for

a second.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Deanna

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

The " face " was always behind closed doors, fada ignored what nada was doing

when it was taking place (even tho he was sitting 2 ft. away); he'd always

say " I don't know what you're talking about " when I would bring it up to

him. Then fada would say " but your mother loves you, she didn't mean

it!!! " Dishrag dad. L

In a message dated 6/4/2012 12:48:50 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

danceralamode@... writes:

There's a moment in the very beginning when he's describing the face and

not intentionally illustrating it but for a nanosecond does. That's what

scared the shit out of me. Because later on it was almost an exaggeration or

very well defined,, but in the beginning, it was that split second that no

one but us sees because it happens behind closed doors.

My dad, who definitely has his own anger issues and was dealing with

nada's abuse towards him often took his anger out on us kids, at times making

us

think he hated us because of this 'anger face'. I can never remember my

father being actively violent or hateful toward us except for the facial

expression. But there was always the fear of what was beyond the expression.

And reading this and seeing it makes me mad at him because sometimes I don't

think he takes any responsibility for the effect the past had on me. The

thing is, I know he does, and we've made peace, and I do not want to discuss

it with him, but I'm still affected by it, and I don't know how to handle

that.

> > >

> > > This 3 minute video is along the same lines, and I am obsessed with

watching it. My mother used to literally bare her teeth at me, and not just

for a second.

> > >

> > > _http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpQtPsuhLzc_ (http://www.youtube.com/w

atch?v=rpQtPsuhLzc)

> > >

> > > Deanna

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My dad said " I never saw that happen " as if that meant that therefore, it never

happened. Sh*thead.

> > > >

> > > > This 3 minute video is along the same lines, and I am obsessed with

> watching it. My mother used to literally bare her teeth at me, and not just

> for a second.

> > > >

> > > > _http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpQtPsuhLzc_ (http://www.youtube.com/w

> atch?v=rpQtPsuhLzc)

> > > >

> > > > Deanna

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

YEP. When he unintentionally illustrated it, I recoiled too.

Deanna

>

>

> There's a moment in the very beginning when he's describing the face and not

intentionally illustrating it but for a nanosecond does. That's what scared the

shit out of me. Because later on it was almost an exaggeration or very well

defined,, but in the beginning, it was that split second that no one but us sees

because it happens behind closed doors.

>

> My dad, who definitely has his own anger issues and was dealing with nada's

abuse towards him often took his anger out on us kids, at times making us think

he hated us because of this 'anger face'. I can never remember my father being

actively violent or hateful toward us except for the facial expression. But

there was always the fear of what was beyond the expression. And reading this

and seeing it makes me mad at him because sometimes I don't think he takes any

responsibility for the effect the past had on me. The thing is, I know he does,

and we've made peace, and I do not want to discuss it with him, but I'm still

affected by it, and I don't know how to handle that.

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